Dear Lord:
It's me - Busy Momma. Well butter your buns and call you a biscut - I'm back. Now look - You and I have to chat. We haven't exactly been on speaking terms since December 30th. You know why. You really screwed me over - in a big way. I'm working thru that, but to be honest...I need a few laughs.
Not that Bella and Jack don't provide daily laughs - they do. PC and I especially enjoyed Bella's demented, tearful rant the other night about how her face looks exactly like the face of an antelope. That was pretty funny. Demented - but funny. (And by the way - if you can wipe the idea that she has the face of an antelope and/or deer out of her mind - we'd appreciate it. Just augment her memory of the event - the way Hermione wipes all memories of her from her parents' minds by saying the spell "obliterate". )
That being said - I need bigger laughs. Now, I thought you were providing a little bit of sunshine when Donald Trump announced that he was considering a presidential run and immediately went ape-shit and started in on Barak's birth certificate. But, then all of my hopes were dashed when he announced that he was, in fact, not running.
Now, we have her highness, the Queen of the Gaffe, Sarah " If I only had a Brain" Palin "considering" a run for office. And now You and I have to have a "Come to Jesus'".
(Pardon the phrase)
Listen up, Big Guy - you OWE me this one - OK? I know it seems pretty ballsy of me to be telling you what you owe me. I get it. But, again - hate to bring this up - you did really screw me over back in December. I mean, I was going about my business and whap-o you changed the whole game on me amd mine. So the way I see it - you owe me one.
I want...no - I NEED her to run. I NEED to tune in to the evening news and laugh until I need Poise Pads as she says something OUTRAGEOUSLY stupid. I need her to continue to talk about American heroes like Paul Revere who - according to Palin "warned the BRITISH"... that we were gonna be keepin' our freedom and arms. Warned the British - that's the type of stuff that I need. I NEED to laugh hysterically as Sookie has mini strokes over the thought that this lobotomized idiot MIGHT be president. I NEED to listen to Her Awesomeness RANT AND RAVE over this woman...I NEED it like I need oxygen right now.
So here is what I am asking: inspire her to announce her candidacy...but in a BRILLIANT fashion. Perhaps she could announce on Thanksgiving, while on a family vacation to Plymouth, MA. And maybe, just maybe she could have Piper and Tripp dressed as little Indians - complete with little tomahawks. And maybe, just maybe she could say something like "I announce my candidacy here, on Plymouth Rock, where Christopher Columbus landed long ago and discovered America and made life better for all Native Americans. "
Or
Maybe she could announce at Pearl Harbor, on Dec. 7th, 2011 and say something like: " I stand here before you on this day - a very special day in the history of America - the anniversary of the day that great Americans discovered the pearl and named this beautiful body of water after it to announce my candidacy."
Or
Let's say - for shits and giggles, inspire her to announce at sunrise over the Grand Canyon with something akin to: "I stand here before you, awe-struck by the ingenuity of my fellow Americans as we watch the sun rise over this big canyon that good, honest, hard working Americans - like you and me- dug out of these here rocks behind me to announce my candidacy."
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Reflections on the Recent Visit to The House of Mouse
Hey Peeps - well, I guess we all survived the Rapture. Damn it - I was really hoping to score big in the "Post-Rapture" looting too. Oh well - I guess we will all have to wait until October.
Ok - so as many of you know, Busy Momma and her crew just returned from the "Happiest Place on Earth" - aka Walt Disney World. And our trip was SPECTACULAR!!! We had a WONDERFUL time. And although PC and I returned quite exhausted -and in need of a vacation from our vacation - all in all it was just what the doctor ordered for our little family. We were able to do all of the "big kid stuff" that we couldn't do last time - The Tower of Terror, The Rockin Roller Coaster, Splash Mountain, Space Mountain, Mission Space...and all of the other vomit-inducing attractions that we all find thrilling. We saw the Hoop-De-Doo Revue at Fort Wilderness, The Spirit of Hawaii Luau at The Polynesian, we actually saw the fireworks at every park, swam at the hotel when the parks shut down - fun was had by all.
And because the kids are older and were able to entertain and take care of themselves - PC and I were able to notice different things on this trip. Things that never registered when the kids were little. On our first trip to the House of Mouse we were so focused on getting the stroller on and off the bus and not loosing either kid, that we really didn't pay attention to anything happening around us. But this time, we did...and we made some very interesting observations.
First of all, we noticed that Disney visitors, by and large fall into one of four categories:
1. Dapper Dan and family: Dapper Dan is married to Preppy Polly. These people arrive at the park dressed to the nines. He is wearing a polo shirt, either with a Brooks Brothers logo, or a polo pony on the front. He is also wearing either madras plaid shorts, dark pink , navy blue or light green shorts. His hair is what PC would call "Movie Star Hair" - lush, well cut and just beautiful.He covers said movie star hair with a baseball cap or sun visor that tastefully advertises a country club or a golf course. His wife, Preppy Polly is dressed as if she is going golfing herself.She might be wearing a sundress and she will NOT be wearing protective spanx underneath so that her inner thighs don't rub together...because- the bitch's thighs don't EVER rub together. 'Nuff said. Their children are what I like to call "Bow Heads". They either have 2 perfect little girls in hand-smocked, matching outfits and these tow-headed angels are sporting BIG matching bows in their PERFECTLY coiffed and cut hair. OR - should they have spawned a boy - he is a miniature version of his Dad. These people would NEVER allow their kids to wear Phineas and Ferb Tee shirts, their kids NEVER spill ice cream or pizza sauce on their clothes and they NEVER, EVER misbehave in public. We HATE these people.
2. Whole Hog Hanna and family: It is VERY easy to spot Whole Hog Hanna. She is accompanied by the little girl in full Disney Princess regalia, FULL makeup, hair, manicured nails AND this little girl is wearing a sash - Miss America style - that says "Bippitty Bopiddy Boutique". Now, what seperates Whole Hog Hanna from your average bear - you know, the mom who wanted her kid to have a FUN experience is this: Whole Hog Hanna FORCES her child to walk around ALL DAY in 90 degree Florida heat, in the itchy princess dress and full make up. She then YELLS and SCREAMS at her "little princess" when the child collapses in a heat-stroke induced temper tantrum.
3. Patty Planner and family: (OK - in the interest of full disclosure - I am a Patty Planner) Patty Planner is the mom who read and researched EVERY POSSIBLE fun fact about Disney for MONTHS before her trip. She has MULTIPLE dinner reservations made for each night, has MULTIPLE schedules mapped out for each day and has planned for every possible contingency known to man and beast. She knows which attraction to hit first at each park, she knows when to fast pass which rides, she even knows that Tom Sawyer leaves a certain number of paint brushes on Tom Sawyer Island AND if you are there early enough to FIND one of these paint brushes and turn it into a cast member - you will receive a fast pass for one of the attractions in Adventure Land. (Oh yes - I am THAT good y'all.) Her children call her backpack a "Magic Carpetbag" because it contains a first aid kit, maps of each park, rain slickers for each member of the family, extra socks, an umbrella, blister stick, anti bacterial wipes, sunscreen, lip balm, bug spray, Pepto, Immodium, Advil AND an extra tee shirt incase of unattractive spills.
4. Kenny the Cop and crew: (First of all - Kenny the cop is interchangeable with Frank the Firefighter.) Kenny is also VERY easy to spot. Kenny is always wearing a tee shirt that proudly displays his profession - it might have his division or unit number, firehouse number - something that says loud and proud: "I am a cop/firefighter". Oh - and Kenny is ALWAYS from New York or North Jersey. Kenny is also always pushing a stroller and wrangling a gaggle of kids. Kenny is the NICEST guy you'd EVER want to meet. He will strike up a conversation with you as you both are waiting in line at the Buzz Lightyear Mega Spinny Ridiculously Long Lined attraction. He will give you tips on how to get really wet on the rapids ride at Animal Kingdom, or when the best time to ride the Yetti ride might be. He has all of the inside info on where the best place is to sit on the parade route or where the fireworks are best viewed. His kids are always carrying some sort of weapon - a sword, a light saber - and it always lights up or flashes. (No kidding - this fact is true about 98% of the time.) In short, PC and I hope to ride the monorail with Kenny and crew because we know: a. we will be safe and b. we will probably have a nice conversation with a cool guy.
Here is the other thing we REALLY noticed this time around: Disney World is one hell of a well run machine. Not that that fact is earth-shattering - but Holy Heck. That place is SO well run - we were SHOCKED to hear a semi-cranky word from a cast member on the last day of our visit. And I mean SHOCKED - like mouths open, eyes wide because someone said "Excuse me but I'm talking here" because everyone in the room was YELLING while this guy was trying to explain where we were all to go and what we were to do in a moment or so. By our reaction - you would have thought that this guy had just recited a Chris Rock monlogue at a preschool graduation.
We NEVER saw a piece of litter - ANYWHERE - ever. Every "cast member" was smiling - all of the time. Every request was granted. I think if I walked into the lobby at 2am and asked for a porcupine on a stick, dipped in gold and covered in rainbow sprinkles, someone at The Wilderness Lodge would have found it, wrapped it in Mickey Mouse tissue paper and delivered it to my room on a silver platter. And then apologized for not having it sooner for me. No kidding. I have NEVER, EVER felt like I got what I paid for on any other vacation. This time I did - I really did.
So - here is my goal...I'd really like my LIFE to run like a Disney vacation. No stress, every wish granted, no request too big, too complicated...all in all I'd like to LIVE in "The Happiest Place on Earth."
Then again...I guess if EVERY day was like that we would never appreciate the REAL Magic of Disney - would we?
Ok - so as many of you know, Busy Momma and her crew just returned from the "Happiest Place on Earth" - aka Walt Disney World. And our trip was SPECTACULAR!!! We had a WONDERFUL time. And although PC and I returned quite exhausted -and in need of a vacation from our vacation - all in all it was just what the doctor ordered for our little family. We were able to do all of the "big kid stuff" that we couldn't do last time - The Tower of Terror, The Rockin Roller Coaster, Splash Mountain, Space Mountain, Mission Space...and all of the other vomit-inducing attractions that we all find thrilling. We saw the Hoop-De-Doo Revue at Fort Wilderness, The Spirit of Hawaii Luau at The Polynesian, we actually saw the fireworks at every park, swam at the hotel when the parks shut down - fun was had by all.
And because the kids are older and were able to entertain and take care of themselves - PC and I were able to notice different things on this trip. Things that never registered when the kids were little. On our first trip to the House of Mouse we were so focused on getting the stroller on and off the bus and not loosing either kid, that we really didn't pay attention to anything happening around us. But this time, we did...and we made some very interesting observations.
First of all, we noticed that Disney visitors, by and large fall into one of four categories:
1. Dapper Dan and family: Dapper Dan is married to Preppy Polly. These people arrive at the park dressed to the nines. He is wearing a polo shirt, either with a Brooks Brothers logo, or a polo pony on the front. He is also wearing either madras plaid shorts, dark pink , navy blue or light green shorts. His hair is what PC would call "Movie Star Hair" - lush, well cut and just beautiful.He covers said movie star hair with a baseball cap or sun visor that tastefully advertises a country club or a golf course. His wife, Preppy Polly is dressed as if she is going golfing herself.She might be wearing a sundress and she will NOT be wearing protective spanx underneath so that her inner thighs don't rub together...because- the bitch's thighs don't EVER rub together. 'Nuff said. Their children are what I like to call "Bow Heads". They either have 2 perfect little girls in hand-smocked, matching outfits and these tow-headed angels are sporting BIG matching bows in their PERFECTLY coiffed and cut hair. OR - should they have spawned a boy - he is a miniature version of his Dad. These people would NEVER allow their kids to wear Phineas and Ferb Tee shirts, their kids NEVER spill ice cream or pizza sauce on their clothes and they NEVER, EVER misbehave in public. We HATE these people.
2. Whole Hog Hanna and family: It is VERY easy to spot Whole Hog Hanna. She is accompanied by the little girl in full Disney Princess regalia, FULL makeup, hair, manicured nails AND this little girl is wearing a sash - Miss America style - that says "Bippitty Bopiddy Boutique". Now, what seperates Whole Hog Hanna from your average bear - you know, the mom who wanted her kid to have a FUN experience is this: Whole Hog Hanna FORCES her child to walk around ALL DAY in 90 degree Florida heat, in the itchy princess dress and full make up. She then YELLS and SCREAMS at her "little princess" when the child collapses in a heat-stroke induced temper tantrum.
3. Patty Planner and family: (OK - in the interest of full disclosure - I am a Patty Planner) Patty Planner is the mom who read and researched EVERY POSSIBLE fun fact about Disney for MONTHS before her trip. She has MULTIPLE dinner reservations made for each night, has MULTIPLE schedules mapped out for each day and has planned for every possible contingency known to man and beast. She knows which attraction to hit first at each park, she knows when to fast pass which rides, she even knows that Tom Sawyer leaves a certain number of paint brushes on Tom Sawyer Island AND if you are there early enough to FIND one of these paint brushes and turn it into a cast member - you will receive a fast pass for one of the attractions in Adventure Land. (Oh yes - I am THAT good y'all.) Her children call her backpack a "Magic Carpetbag" because it contains a first aid kit, maps of each park, rain slickers for each member of the family, extra socks, an umbrella, blister stick, anti bacterial wipes, sunscreen, lip balm, bug spray, Pepto, Immodium, Advil AND an extra tee shirt incase of unattractive spills.
4. Kenny the Cop and crew: (First of all - Kenny the cop is interchangeable with Frank the Firefighter.) Kenny is also VERY easy to spot. Kenny is always wearing a tee shirt that proudly displays his profession - it might have his division or unit number, firehouse number - something that says loud and proud: "I am a cop/firefighter". Oh - and Kenny is ALWAYS from New York or North Jersey. Kenny is also always pushing a stroller and wrangling a gaggle of kids. Kenny is the NICEST guy you'd EVER want to meet. He will strike up a conversation with you as you both are waiting in line at the Buzz Lightyear Mega Spinny Ridiculously Long Lined attraction. He will give you tips on how to get really wet on the rapids ride at Animal Kingdom, or when the best time to ride the Yetti ride might be. He has all of the inside info on where the best place is to sit on the parade route or where the fireworks are best viewed. His kids are always carrying some sort of weapon - a sword, a light saber - and it always lights up or flashes. (No kidding - this fact is true about 98% of the time.) In short, PC and I hope to ride the monorail with Kenny and crew because we know: a. we will be safe and b. we will probably have a nice conversation with a cool guy.
Here is the other thing we REALLY noticed this time around: Disney World is one hell of a well run machine. Not that that fact is earth-shattering - but Holy Heck. That place is SO well run - we were SHOCKED to hear a semi-cranky word from a cast member on the last day of our visit. And I mean SHOCKED - like mouths open, eyes wide because someone said "Excuse me but I'm talking here" because everyone in the room was YELLING while this guy was trying to explain where we were all to go and what we were to do in a moment or so. By our reaction - you would have thought that this guy had just recited a Chris Rock monlogue at a preschool graduation.
We NEVER saw a piece of litter - ANYWHERE - ever. Every "cast member" was smiling - all of the time. Every request was granted. I think if I walked into the lobby at 2am and asked for a porcupine on a stick, dipped in gold and covered in rainbow sprinkles, someone at The Wilderness Lodge would have found it, wrapped it in Mickey Mouse tissue paper and delivered it to my room on a silver platter. And then apologized for not having it sooner for me. No kidding. I have NEVER, EVER felt like I got what I paid for on any other vacation. This time I did - I really did.
So - here is my goal...I'd really like my LIFE to run like a Disney vacation. No stress, every wish granted, no request too big, too complicated...all in all I'd like to LIVE in "The Happiest Place on Earth."
Then again...I guess if EVERY day was like that we would never appreciate the REAL Magic of Disney - would we?
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Well..it's been real Peeps!
Well, hello there loyal readers. I am writing what might very well be my last blog post ever. I'm not sure if you all are aware of this - but APPARENTLY, the world is about to come to an end. No kidding. Happy Saturday!
IMAGINE my surprise when, this past Wednesday, I was driving to work, minding my own buisiness, and what do I hear on SIrius radio but a discussion about The Rapture and Judgement Day and the Second Coming of Christ - and holy cow - it's all happening on May 21st! Now, I wasn't listening to some sort of Holy Roller station - I was listening to STARS. I just subscribed to satelite radio and I'm still getting familiar with the stations but STARS seems to be just a mash up of famous people with radio shows. So the show I was listening to featured 2 guys - Opie and Anthony "Lite" type guys - funny but not disgusting. And these guys were talking about how according to some right wing conservative Christian group, the Rapture will take place on May 21st, 2011 and the world will come to an end on October 21st, 2011. Apparently these people read the bible literally and use it as some sort of calendar to predict major events.
Well butter my butt and call it a biscut, because I had NO idea. I mean none. We only have 8 days left Peeps. Well, let me reframe that - SOME of us only have 8 days left. The rest of us - those who are still here on the morning of May 22nd- are basically screwed.
Or ARE we???????
Here's my take on this...and my plan. Listen, those of you who know me know that I'm basically a good person. However, I have my faults...overall snarkiness, a bad attitude sometimes, I enjoy me a cocktail or 7, I can swear like a sailor and let's just say this: come after me or one of mine and I will DESTROY you with my razor sharp tongue and poisoned pen. (That should make some of you laugh very hard this week.) And let's not even discuss my views on gay rights or any other topic that, according to these Christian folks, will send me STRAIGHT to hell and damnation. (Along with all of my closest friends) So, if we are to believe these guys - I'm still gonna be here on May 22nd with all of my gay and lesbian friends, my Jewish pals, the Muslim brotherhood, anyone who believes in science and the value of research and Lady Gaga. Now, at first, this upset me. But now, I'm kind of seeing this as an opportunity rather than a tragedy.
Here are my thoughts - if I'm left behind...I'm going to LIVE it UP! First thing I'm doing is learning how to hot wire a car. Then, I will find the home of someone who has been raptured - or whatever the heck we will call it, and I'm "borrowing" their car. Now, I have a friend who happens to have a Porche. He's a good guy. Chances are - he's going to go. So, I am asking him NOT to have his car keys anywhere on his person on May 21st. That way, if he does go - the keys to the Porche are still here and I don't have to waste time learning how to hot wire.
Next - I am finding the most AWESOME house I can - pool, jacuzzi, tennis courts, state of the art sound system- and I'm MOVING in. I'm bringing my suitcases, my kids and PC and we're in like Flynn. I'll immediately change all of the locks and I will guard my new house like a hungry pitbull guards a Porterhouse steak.
Then - I'm partying like it's 1999. Seriously - why not? If we're all going to hell anyway - why not DESERVE it? Gluttony and Debauchery every night! I'm pulling the kids out of school - because God knows, I don't want to spend the last 6 months of my life worrying about book reports and Social Studies tests. We will travel and live it up. I mean we might as well go out in style!
Now, there is ALWAYS the possibility that I am wrong and that I will be swept out of my shoes and just ascend into heaven in Blessed Mother style. And I've gotta say - that would be pretty freaking AWESOME! Although...I don't want to be literally swept out of my shoes. I really like my shoes. Especially my new pink patent leather peep toe pumps. I'd hate to leave those puppies behind. Anywho... if that DOES indeed happen - here's the plan. We need a meet up point in heaven. Hermione and I spoke about this at length yesterday. Hermione seems to assume that she's going straight up - no judgement here - but she's pretty confident - that's all I'm saying. And she doesn't swear as badly as I do - so she does have a better shot than me. Anyway - we agreed to meet in the shoe department of the heavenly Nordstroms. We think that in heaven, there is a Nordstroms with the most amazing shoe department ever. And all of the most beautifully impossible shoes you could imagine will fit you, be comfortable AND will be GIVEN to you. (It is heaven!) So, Fifi, Hermionie, Glynnis, Sookie, Her Awesomeness and Xena will ALL be there when you arrive. DON'T go to the Juniors shoe department - we will be in the big girl department looking at Manolos, Jimmy Choos, Loboutins and so on. None of those Steve Madden cheapies. $500.00 a pair and UP in heaven. I will be the one wearing the diamond encrusted 6 inch stilettoes. Fifi will be instantly recognizable by the offbeat yet incredibly fashionable, incredibly high heels she will undoubdtedly be sporting, Glynnis will be recognized by her sheer regal height - she's already 6 foot without heels - she will be towering over all of us in her 6 inch spikes. (She will also be getting shoes off of high shelves for me.) You will recognize Sookie by the tasteful, yet elegant and refined pumps she will select. I'm thinking a timeless black patent leather pump by Louboutin with hot red soles. Xena will be wearing Dansko Clogs - cause she loves them and even in heaven - she's staedy as a freaking rock and will remain true to herself. Her Awesomeness will be recognizable by...well, let's face it - her sheer, unadulterated awesomeness. No doubt she will be running the show up there, making sure that everyone gets what they want, no one - like me - hogs the diamond shoes and that no one has to wait in line. She will also know exactly where to go to get matching sexy dresses that do NOT require any type of Spanks-like garment underneath to make you look 10 pounds thinner. Knowing HA - she will already have a map of the heavenly Nordstroms in her purse. And Hermione will be the one arguing with me. I will be saying:
"GET the diamond shoes! It's HEAVEN for God's sake! They don't cost anything! For ONCE in your LIFE do something CRAZY!!!"
And she will say:
"I don't care - they are a waste. I won't wear them. I'm getting these Puma sneakers. That's it. I don't need anything else. And where are YOU going to wear Diamond shoes? How will you walk to the ballfield to watch Jack and Aiden's games in those? Get a freaking pair of sneakers and Give those diamond shoes to Bella ."
So Peeps - this might be goodbye...for now. Hopefully we will all meet again in the heavenly Nordstrom's. If not - head up to my neck of the woods. Listen for the soulful sounds of Jon Bon Jovi blasting late into the night. Watch for the unmistakable flashes of disco ball lights...follow the gloria Gaynor song you hear...and you will find Busy Momma and all of her friends rocking in the rapture....
IMAGINE my surprise when, this past Wednesday, I was driving to work, minding my own buisiness, and what do I hear on SIrius radio but a discussion about The Rapture and Judgement Day and the Second Coming of Christ - and holy cow - it's all happening on May 21st! Now, I wasn't listening to some sort of Holy Roller station - I was listening to STARS. I just subscribed to satelite radio and I'm still getting familiar with the stations but STARS seems to be just a mash up of famous people with radio shows. So the show I was listening to featured 2 guys - Opie and Anthony "Lite" type guys - funny but not disgusting. And these guys were talking about how according to some right wing conservative Christian group, the Rapture will take place on May 21st, 2011 and the world will come to an end on October 21st, 2011. Apparently these people read the bible literally and use it as some sort of calendar to predict major events.
Well butter my butt and call it a biscut, because I had NO idea. I mean none. We only have 8 days left Peeps. Well, let me reframe that - SOME of us only have 8 days left. The rest of us - those who are still here on the morning of May 22nd- are basically screwed.
Or ARE we???????
Here's my take on this...and my plan. Listen, those of you who know me know that I'm basically a good person. However, I have my faults...overall snarkiness, a bad attitude sometimes, I enjoy me a cocktail or 7, I can swear like a sailor and let's just say this: come after me or one of mine and I will DESTROY you with my razor sharp tongue and poisoned pen. (That should make some of you laugh very hard this week.) And let's not even discuss my views on gay rights or any other topic that, according to these Christian folks, will send me STRAIGHT to hell and damnation. (Along with all of my closest friends) So, if we are to believe these guys - I'm still gonna be here on May 22nd with all of my gay and lesbian friends, my Jewish pals, the Muslim brotherhood, anyone who believes in science and the value of research and Lady Gaga. Now, at first, this upset me. But now, I'm kind of seeing this as an opportunity rather than a tragedy.
Here are my thoughts - if I'm left behind...I'm going to LIVE it UP! First thing I'm doing is learning how to hot wire a car. Then, I will find the home of someone who has been raptured - or whatever the heck we will call it, and I'm "borrowing" their car. Now, I have a friend who happens to have a Porche. He's a good guy. Chances are - he's going to go. So, I am asking him NOT to have his car keys anywhere on his person on May 21st. That way, if he does go - the keys to the Porche are still here and I don't have to waste time learning how to hot wire.
Next - I am finding the most AWESOME house I can - pool, jacuzzi, tennis courts, state of the art sound system- and I'm MOVING in. I'm bringing my suitcases, my kids and PC and we're in like Flynn. I'll immediately change all of the locks and I will guard my new house like a hungry pitbull guards a Porterhouse steak.
Then - I'm partying like it's 1999. Seriously - why not? If we're all going to hell anyway - why not DESERVE it? Gluttony and Debauchery every night! I'm pulling the kids out of school - because God knows, I don't want to spend the last 6 months of my life worrying about book reports and Social Studies tests. We will travel and live it up. I mean we might as well go out in style!
Now, there is ALWAYS the possibility that I am wrong and that I will be swept out of my shoes and just ascend into heaven in Blessed Mother style. And I've gotta say - that would be pretty freaking AWESOME! Although...I don't want to be literally swept out of my shoes. I really like my shoes. Especially my new pink patent leather peep toe pumps. I'd hate to leave those puppies behind. Anywho... if that DOES indeed happen - here's the plan. We need a meet up point in heaven. Hermione and I spoke about this at length yesterday. Hermione seems to assume that she's going straight up - no judgement here - but she's pretty confident - that's all I'm saying. And she doesn't swear as badly as I do - so she does have a better shot than me. Anyway - we agreed to meet in the shoe department of the heavenly Nordstroms. We think that in heaven, there is a Nordstroms with the most amazing shoe department ever. And all of the most beautifully impossible shoes you could imagine will fit you, be comfortable AND will be GIVEN to you. (It is heaven!) So, Fifi, Hermionie, Glynnis, Sookie, Her Awesomeness and Xena will ALL be there when you arrive. DON'T go to the Juniors shoe department - we will be in the big girl department looking at Manolos, Jimmy Choos, Loboutins and so on. None of those Steve Madden cheapies. $500.00 a pair and UP in heaven. I will be the one wearing the diamond encrusted 6 inch stilettoes. Fifi will be instantly recognizable by the offbeat yet incredibly fashionable, incredibly high heels she will undoubdtedly be sporting, Glynnis will be recognized by her sheer regal height - she's already 6 foot without heels - she will be towering over all of us in her 6 inch spikes. (She will also be getting shoes off of high shelves for me.) You will recognize Sookie by the tasteful, yet elegant and refined pumps she will select. I'm thinking a timeless black patent leather pump by Louboutin with hot red soles. Xena will be wearing Dansko Clogs - cause she loves them and even in heaven - she's staedy as a freaking rock and will remain true to herself. Her Awesomeness will be recognizable by...well, let's face it - her sheer, unadulterated awesomeness. No doubt she will be running the show up there, making sure that everyone gets what they want, no one - like me - hogs the diamond shoes and that no one has to wait in line. She will also know exactly where to go to get matching sexy dresses that do NOT require any type of Spanks-like garment underneath to make you look 10 pounds thinner. Knowing HA - she will already have a map of the heavenly Nordstroms in her purse. And Hermione will be the one arguing with me. I will be saying:
"GET the diamond shoes! It's HEAVEN for God's sake! They don't cost anything! For ONCE in your LIFE do something CRAZY!!!"
And she will say:
"I don't care - they are a waste. I won't wear them. I'm getting these Puma sneakers. That's it. I don't need anything else. And where are YOU going to wear Diamond shoes? How will you walk to the ballfield to watch Jack and Aiden's games in those? Get a freaking pair of sneakers and Give those diamond shoes to Bella ."
So Peeps - this might be goodbye...for now. Hopefully we will all meet again in the heavenly Nordstrom's. If not - head up to my neck of the woods. Listen for the soulful sounds of Jon Bon Jovi blasting late into the night. Watch for the unmistakable flashes of disco ball lights...follow the gloria Gaynor song you hear...and you will find Busy Momma and all of her friends rocking in the rapture....
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Happy Mothers Day!
Well Hiya Peeps! Happy Mother's Day to all. I just LOVE Mother's Day - I really do. And I'll tell you why...it's the ONE and ONLY day of the year that I feel absolutely NO guilt for doing EXACTLY what I want to do ALL DAY LONG! I mean EXACTLY what I want to do. So, if that means puttering around in my "garden" - then so be it. If that means lounging on the back deck and reading a book while PC does the laundry- then SO BE IT! If that means watching a REAL Housewives Marathon all day long then...well, you get the idea. It's AWESOME!!!! And I hope all of my readers enjoy this luxury tomorrow as well.
Now for those of you reading who are STILL hemming and hawing about what to get Mom tomorrow - never fear - Busy Momma is here!!! I have a plethora of gift giving RULES and ideas and for Mom...or Wifey...
OK - first of all - the RULES:
1. Men - I realize that your wife is NOT your mother. And therefore, a few of you...especially those of you who might be new to this whole "parenthood" business...actually might be thinking: "Wait - she's not MY Mom...you mean I have to get my WIFE a gift?" Oh yes Friend - OH yes you do. An here is why: YOU put that baby in her belly and hopefully, you watched it come out. And I'm here to tell you that oh yes - it REALLY did hurt as much as it looked like it did. SO - especially if you actually uttered the question stated above - Get thee to a jewelry store. And hurry up about it.
2. Not to get all "Tiger Mother" on your butts...but here's the thing. We all LOVE and ADORE the handmade stuff our kids make for Mother's Day. THINK about this BEFORE tomorrow morning. Because if you tell them to make her a card tomorrow morning, one of two things will happen:
A. Your kids will run to the printer, grab a sheet of paper and SLOPPILY write "hapy mofers day mom. we lov u! xoxoxo" in blue pen in about 30 seconds. Again - not to be all TIGER MOTHER...but really? Are we supposed to ooohhh and aaahhh over that piece of crap? Really? Here is what you do...have them make the card tonight. Have them draw a picture on the outside...and color it. With different colors. And then have them write something sweet inside using BEST HANDWRITING. (But don't help them spell - 'cause we go all gooshy brained over cute misspellings.)
OR
B. Your kids will break open every "VORBODEN" art supply known to mankind if they realize that DAD is large and in charge. I'm talking glitter, FLOAM, Playdough, Moon Sand, an embossing gun and the hot glue gun - all at the same time. Tomorrow morning is NOT the time to have the kids get out the glitter and glue and paint and markers and make a cute card. Because while the card will undoubtedly be adorable....the kitchen will be destroyed and wifey will have a nervous breakdown when she sees the utter destruction. And this will INEVITABLY lead to a fight that the children will no doubt remember with fondness and a clever name like: "The Mother's Day Meltdown of 2011" ....or "The Mother's Day that Mom went all RAMBO on Dad's Ass"...or "The Mother's Day Massacre". None of those names hint at a good outcome. That's all I'm saying.
3. This should really not ever have to be said...but because I love my male readers...all 3 of them - I'll say it. A household appliance does NOT a Mother's Day gift make. Yes, I understand that she saw the GD thing at Target and said: "OH wow - that would make my life easier." And yes, I understand that YOU might jump for joy at a thingy that backs up all of the crap on your computer. And yes, once again, I understand that she mentioned the chicken cooker thingy she saw at BJs and she says that you never listen to her and that this chicken cooker gift will prove that you DO INDEED listen. Yup - I got it. But just trust me on this one...we DO NOT want anything that we have to plug in. (Unless it is an I...fill in the blank and she SPECIFICALLY SAID "I want this I...fill in the blank for MOTHER's DAY." Seriously...just trust me.)
Now - for the fun part...gift ideas!!! What do we REALLY want? What would ANY mom enjoy tomorrow??? Well, it's a simple formula for Mother's Day happiness:
SHOW her how much she is appreciated. And by SHOW her...I don't mean with hallmark cards and diamonds. (Although those things are nice and will undoubtedly be appreciated.) But SHOW her that you understand and appreciate all that she does. Make the breakfast in bed, bring her coffee and flowers. Let her sleep in and stay in her jammies all day if that's what she wants. Make it easy for her to do the things that SHE likes to do for herself - be it taking a bike ride or planting flowers or reading a book. Do the grocery shopping, the laundry or the cleaning for her. Give Mom a day off and encourage her to just enjoy the day. In reality - that's all we really want. Sincerity doesn't cost a thing - but it will get you the most bang for your buck!
So that's all. Busy Momma is off to fold laundry before her luxurious DO NOTHING DAY tomorrow! To all of my Mommy pals - have a WONDERFUL DAY!
Now for those of you reading who are STILL hemming and hawing about what to get Mom tomorrow - never fear - Busy Momma is here!!! I have a plethora of gift giving RULES and ideas and for Mom...or Wifey...
OK - first of all - the RULES:
1. Men - I realize that your wife is NOT your mother. And therefore, a few of you...especially those of you who might be new to this whole "parenthood" business...actually might be thinking: "Wait - she's not MY Mom...you mean I have to get my WIFE a gift?" Oh yes Friend - OH yes you do. An here is why: YOU put that baby in her belly and hopefully, you watched it come out. And I'm here to tell you that oh yes - it REALLY did hurt as much as it looked like it did. SO - especially if you actually uttered the question stated above - Get thee to a jewelry store. And hurry up about it.
2. Not to get all "Tiger Mother" on your butts...but here's the thing. We all LOVE and ADORE the handmade stuff our kids make for Mother's Day. THINK about this BEFORE tomorrow morning. Because if you tell them to make her a card tomorrow morning, one of two things will happen:
A. Your kids will run to the printer, grab a sheet of paper and SLOPPILY write "hapy mofers day mom. we lov u! xoxoxo" in blue pen in about 30 seconds. Again - not to be all TIGER MOTHER...but really? Are we supposed to ooohhh and aaahhh over that piece of crap? Really? Here is what you do...have them make the card tonight. Have them draw a picture on the outside...and color it. With different colors. And then have them write something sweet inside using BEST HANDWRITING. (But don't help them spell - 'cause we go all gooshy brained over cute misspellings.)
OR
B. Your kids will break open every "VORBODEN" art supply known to mankind if they realize that DAD is large and in charge. I'm talking glitter, FLOAM, Playdough, Moon Sand, an embossing gun and the hot glue gun - all at the same time. Tomorrow morning is NOT the time to have the kids get out the glitter and glue and paint and markers and make a cute card. Because while the card will undoubtedly be adorable....the kitchen will be destroyed and wifey will have a nervous breakdown when she sees the utter destruction. And this will INEVITABLY lead to a fight that the children will no doubt remember with fondness and a clever name like: "The Mother's Day Meltdown of 2011" ....or "The Mother's Day that Mom went all RAMBO on Dad's Ass"...or "The Mother's Day Massacre". None of those names hint at a good outcome. That's all I'm saying.
3. This should really not ever have to be said...but because I love my male readers...all 3 of them - I'll say it. A household appliance does NOT a Mother's Day gift make. Yes, I understand that she saw the GD thing at Target and said: "OH wow - that would make my life easier." And yes, I understand that YOU might jump for joy at a thingy that backs up all of the crap on your computer. And yes, once again, I understand that she mentioned the chicken cooker thingy she saw at BJs and she says that you never listen to her and that this chicken cooker gift will prove that you DO INDEED listen. Yup - I got it. But just trust me on this one...we DO NOT want anything that we have to plug in. (Unless it is an I...fill in the blank and she SPECIFICALLY SAID "I want this I...fill in the blank for MOTHER's DAY." Seriously...just trust me.)
Now - for the fun part...gift ideas!!! What do we REALLY want? What would ANY mom enjoy tomorrow??? Well, it's a simple formula for Mother's Day happiness:
SHOW her how much she is appreciated. And by SHOW her...I don't mean with hallmark cards and diamonds. (Although those things are nice and will undoubtedly be appreciated.) But SHOW her that you understand and appreciate all that she does. Make the breakfast in bed, bring her coffee and flowers. Let her sleep in and stay in her jammies all day if that's what she wants. Make it easy for her to do the things that SHE likes to do for herself - be it taking a bike ride or planting flowers or reading a book. Do the grocery shopping, the laundry or the cleaning for her. Give Mom a day off and encourage her to just enjoy the day. In reality - that's all we really want. Sincerity doesn't cost a thing - but it will get you the most bang for your buck!
So that's all. Busy Momma is off to fold laundry before her luxurious DO NOTHING DAY tomorrow! To all of my Mommy pals - have a WONDERFUL DAY!
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Welcome to the Tweens.....
Ahhh - spring. The trees are blooming, the grass is greening and my wallet is emptied. Yes - spring in Busy Momma's household is almost as nerve wracking and expensive as the month of December. Why? you ask. Because Spring - or more specifically, the month of April brings the birthdays of BOTH of Busy Momma's offspring. Yes, Jack and Bella's birthdays are separated by 6 short, sweet days. They were actually due on the EXACT same day - April 23rd. (PC claims that this is because he only gets lucky once a year.) But, Bella came early...the first and last time that little lady was every EARLY for ANYTHING and my awesome doctor induced Jack because he was fully cooked and I was done being pregnant while mommy-ing a 2-year old. Late in my pregnancy with Jack - I was basically a beached whale. And I had a VERY energetic almost 3-year old running me ragged. I would put her down for a nap...and the neighbors would call telling me that she was hanging out her bedroom window waving "hi" to the boys and girls getting off of the school bus. I would set her up with paints and paper and run to the bathroom while she was supposed to be creating a masterpiece...and I'd come out and she would have painted herself purple - or green and look at me and say "Look Mommy - I pretty!" One day she stuck a crayon in her ear to make it "pretty and colored on the inside". She used to walk around with her hamper on her head...and all we could see were her little shins and feet sticking out of her white, wicker hamper as she bumped into and bounced off of the walls. She used to end her bedtime prayers with "God bless Nanny and Poppy and Unkey John...and please, please, please let me wake up with a mermaid tail." every single night. Ahhh...those were the days.
Fast forward 7 short years later...and somehow - my little girl who enjoyed painting herself with purple fingerpaint is now a tweenager! How did this happen? All of a sudden, she is saying things like: "Mom, can I download the Lemonade Mouth album onto my IPOD?" and "Mom, can we go and see the movie "Prom"?" And my personal favorite: "Why CAN'T I read Twilight??? I'm like the ONLY girl in my class who hasn't read it! And I am SO on Team Edward!"
WTF?????
Many of you know that Busy Momma and Crew are heading to the Happiest and Most EXPENSIVE Place on Earth in a few short weeks. And while booking the trip and making reservations, I stumbled across a NEW attraction that I was SURE my girl would be aching to visit - The Bippity Boppity Boutique. Apparently, for the low, low price of 18 million bucks, apprentices to Cinderella's Fairy Godmother will do your hair and makeup and dress you up like ANY PRINCESS or Tinkerbelle. Sign me up - take all of my cash...I'm in. As I am making the reservation, Bella walks up and asks me what I'm doing. I show her the website and explain that I'm making an appointment for her.
How do I explain the look that came over MY darling little princess...you know - the one who used to pray for a mermaid tail so that she could swim with Ariel? Let's pretend that I had her suck on a lemon and drink 210 day old milk at the same time. Get the picture? Can you see that puss in your mind's eye? And here is what my darling little baby - the one who had me in labor for 3 days AND came out upside down AND backwards AND broke my tailbone for shits and giggles on her way out- said to me. Wait for it....
"Um - I TOTALLY hope that you're making that reservation for yourself because I am certainly NOT dressing up like a princess in front of like A MILLION people in Disneyland. Mom - I'm almost 10 years old here."
Humph....
So I thanked the lovely Disney lady on the phone and told her that actually we wouldn't be needing that Royal Princess package complete with souvenier photo after all. Now, this did not bother PC in the least because, in his words, "Well, she just saved us about 18 million bucks." Not that the Royal Princess package was really THAT much...I mean it was ridiculously pricey...but I wouldn't have had to sell Jack into slavery for it.
So why can't I see it through PC's pragmatic glasses? Why can't I just be happy that I do not have to spend ridiculous amounts of money on licensed Disney paraphenalia anymore? Why can't I be thrilled that I do NOT have to contribute to that money-making machine that is the whole princess industry? Why am I sad every time I buy an outfit and can't but matching little bows and headbands and ruffled socks? Been there - done that!
Because I MISS that crazy little girl who thought she would wake up as a mermaid if she prayed hard enough! I MISS the little girl who believed in Santa and the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. And don't get me wrong - I love and adore the wonderful young lady I have today. But I am beginning to realize that this parenting thing doesn't get easier as they get older...it gets harder and scarier! When she was 3, I was able to control and manipulate her entire world. And while that might sound crazy - I was totally able to keep her safe. I was in charge 24/7. Now - she is in school, at scouts, at parties....in other words - I am NOT in charge anymore. (Don't tell her that - she hasn't figured that one out.) I cannot control everything that happens to her. And that scares the heck out of me.
I just finished reading Tina Fey's new book "Bossypants". It's awesome - go and get it. And, if you've had more that 2 kids - a box of Poise pads. It's that funny. In her book, she shares a prayer that she has written for her daughter Alice. Again - pee your pants funny. And it inspired me to write my own prayer...
For Bella as she navigates through her Tween years:
Dear Lord:
Please guard and protect my girl as she grows into the beautiful young woman you and I both know she can be. Please help her navigate through the difficult middle school issues with strength and grace.
May she always remember the lessons she learned at home and apply them in her daily life. May she never take crap from the mean girls in her class. However - may she be smart enough to never enter a fight she cannot possibly win. Lord, give her the strength and smarts to stay away from those 2 really mean biotches in her school. Those girls are for real. And they scare me a little.
May she never believe the "how babies are made" rumors that will surely surface in the next year. May she never believe that babies are made when 2 adults crawl, naked into a hole in the sand and emerge fully clothed at the other end of that hole, as her mother believed for far too long. Also - may she never start one of those rumors, because that would be really embarrasing.
Dear Lord, please do NOT allow her to get sucked in by the "Giggle Patch". Please steer her FAR away from those girls who, at the tender age of 9 and 10 are already playing "WHO is hot and WHO is NOT". The girls who pretend to giggle and fall over when a "hot" 10 year old walks in front of them. May she continue to understand and believe that 10-year old boys are gross and smelly and have gross smelling farts. Bevcause they are and they do. May she realize that the "giggle patch girls" are the same girls who geek out and fall out of their seats when they attend an all-girl Catholic High School and a boy walks down the hallway. Dear Lord, please, please please do NOT allow her to become one of those girls.
Please God - help her improve her taste in music. Even though Justin Beiber and Willow Smith are your beloved children...PC and I cannot stand listening to "Whip my Hair" and "Baby, Baby, Baby" one more time. So either improve her taste in music or render us deaf...I beg of you.
Dear God - give her the strength to continue to play with her Barbies and American Girl Dolls for a few more years. We paid alot of money for those things and really would like to get at least another year or two out of them. Please let her continue to think the BRATZ dolls are gross and have deformed lips. And while we are on the topic of lips - please let her continue to believe that Burts Bees tinted lip balm is actually lipstick. Thanks for that by the way.
And please please please grace her with her father's metabolism as she grows and blossoms into a young woman. Because if she keeps eating the way she is eating and if she is blessed with my metabolism...we're going to have issues - that's all I'm saying. Please spare her from the terrible acne that will affect her peers. However - if I have to choose chubby or acne - I'll take chub. We can always work that off but tween acne is a bitch to clear up. And while we are on the topic of genes...please please do NOT grace her with my thighs. I mean seriously - please don't do that.
And finally Lord, as we enter into this forbidden forest that is puberty - please do NOT burden her with getting her first period at school, in front of everyone. While it will not kill her, it will not make her stronger and it might lead to years and years of pricey therapy. Let her get it the way her mother got it - while on a trip, with her father, in a foreign country. And let her father deal with it...because what the hell else does the dad really have to deal with in the forbidden forest - huh?
And finally Lord, may she never believe:
In your name, we pray...
Fast forward 7 short years later...and somehow - my little girl who enjoyed painting herself with purple fingerpaint is now a tweenager! How did this happen? All of a sudden, she is saying things like: "Mom, can I download the Lemonade Mouth album onto my IPOD?" and "Mom, can we go and see the movie "Prom"?" And my personal favorite: "Why CAN'T I read Twilight??? I'm like the ONLY girl in my class who hasn't read it! And I am SO on Team Edward!"
WTF?????
Many of you know that Busy Momma and Crew are heading to the Happiest and Most EXPENSIVE Place on Earth in a few short weeks. And while booking the trip and making reservations, I stumbled across a NEW attraction that I was SURE my girl would be aching to visit - The Bippity Boppity Boutique. Apparently, for the low, low price of 18 million bucks, apprentices to Cinderella's Fairy Godmother will do your hair and makeup and dress you up like ANY PRINCESS or Tinkerbelle. Sign me up - take all of my cash...I'm in. As I am making the reservation, Bella walks up and asks me what I'm doing. I show her the website and explain that I'm making an appointment for her.
How do I explain the look that came over MY darling little princess...you know - the one who used to pray for a mermaid tail so that she could swim with Ariel? Let's pretend that I had her suck on a lemon and drink 210 day old milk at the same time. Get the picture? Can you see that puss in your mind's eye? And here is what my darling little baby - the one who had me in labor for 3 days AND came out upside down AND backwards AND broke my tailbone for shits and giggles on her way out- said to me. Wait for it....
"Um - I TOTALLY hope that you're making that reservation for yourself because I am certainly NOT dressing up like a princess in front of like A MILLION people in Disneyland. Mom - I'm almost 10 years old here."
Humph....
So I thanked the lovely Disney lady on the phone and told her that actually we wouldn't be needing that Royal Princess package complete with souvenier photo after all. Now, this did not bother PC in the least because, in his words, "Well, she just saved us about 18 million bucks." Not that the Royal Princess package was really THAT much...I mean it was ridiculously pricey...but I wouldn't have had to sell Jack into slavery for it.
So why can't I see it through PC's pragmatic glasses? Why can't I just be happy that I do not have to spend ridiculous amounts of money on licensed Disney paraphenalia anymore? Why can't I be thrilled that I do NOT have to contribute to that money-making machine that is the whole princess industry? Why am I sad every time I buy an outfit and can't but matching little bows and headbands and ruffled socks? Been there - done that!
Because I MISS that crazy little girl who thought she would wake up as a mermaid if she prayed hard enough! I MISS the little girl who believed in Santa and the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. And don't get me wrong - I love and adore the wonderful young lady I have today. But I am beginning to realize that this parenting thing doesn't get easier as they get older...it gets harder and scarier! When she was 3, I was able to control and manipulate her entire world. And while that might sound crazy - I was totally able to keep her safe. I was in charge 24/7. Now - she is in school, at scouts, at parties....in other words - I am NOT in charge anymore. (Don't tell her that - she hasn't figured that one out.) I cannot control everything that happens to her. And that scares the heck out of me.
I just finished reading Tina Fey's new book "Bossypants". It's awesome - go and get it. And, if you've had more that 2 kids - a box of Poise pads. It's that funny. In her book, she shares a prayer that she has written for her daughter Alice. Again - pee your pants funny. And it inspired me to write my own prayer...
For Bella as she navigates through her Tween years:
Dear Lord:
Please guard and protect my girl as she grows into the beautiful young woman you and I both know she can be. Please help her navigate through the difficult middle school issues with strength and grace.
May she always remember the lessons she learned at home and apply them in her daily life. May she never take crap from the mean girls in her class. However - may she be smart enough to never enter a fight she cannot possibly win. Lord, give her the strength and smarts to stay away from those 2 really mean biotches in her school. Those girls are for real. And they scare me a little.
May she never believe the "how babies are made" rumors that will surely surface in the next year. May she never believe that babies are made when 2 adults crawl, naked into a hole in the sand and emerge fully clothed at the other end of that hole, as her mother believed for far too long. Also - may she never start one of those rumors, because that would be really embarrasing.
Dear Lord, please do NOT allow her to get sucked in by the "Giggle Patch". Please steer her FAR away from those girls who, at the tender age of 9 and 10 are already playing "WHO is hot and WHO is NOT". The girls who pretend to giggle and fall over when a "hot" 10 year old walks in front of them. May she continue to understand and believe that 10-year old boys are gross and smelly and have gross smelling farts. Bevcause they are and they do. May she realize that the "giggle patch girls" are the same girls who geek out and fall out of their seats when they attend an all-girl Catholic High School and a boy walks down the hallway. Dear Lord, please, please please do NOT allow her to become one of those girls.
Please God - help her improve her taste in music. Even though Justin Beiber and Willow Smith are your beloved children...PC and I cannot stand listening to "Whip my Hair" and "Baby, Baby, Baby" one more time. So either improve her taste in music or render us deaf...I beg of you.
Dear God - give her the strength to continue to play with her Barbies and American Girl Dolls for a few more years. We paid alot of money for those things and really would like to get at least another year or two out of them. Please let her continue to think the BRATZ dolls are gross and have deformed lips. And while we are on the topic of lips - please let her continue to believe that Burts Bees tinted lip balm is actually lipstick. Thanks for that by the way.
And please please please grace her with her father's metabolism as she grows and blossoms into a young woman. Because if she keeps eating the way she is eating and if she is blessed with my metabolism...we're going to have issues - that's all I'm saying. Please spare her from the terrible acne that will affect her peers. However - if I have to choose chubby or acne - I'll take chub. We can always work that off but tween acne is a bitch to clear up. And while we are on the topic of genes...please please do NOT grace her with my thighs. I mean seriously - please don't do that.
And finally Lord, as we enter into this forbidden forest that is puberty - please do NOT burden her with getting her first period at school, in front of everyone. While it will not kill her, it will not make her stronger and it might lead to years and years of pricey therapy. Let her get it the way her mother got it - while on a trip, with her father, in a foreign country. And let her father deal with it...because what the hell else does the dad really have to deal with in the forbidden forest - huh?
And finally Lord, may she never believe:
- that a boy's thing might fall off if he doesn't "do it" before he turns 18
- that she can get pregnant from sitting on a toilet seat that has a random sperm on it
- that she can get pregnant from dry-humping
- that all of the cool girls really do know what a BJ is in 5th grade
- that the random slutty girl in school really did "do it" with an 8th grader last weekend
- that boys will really like her and that she will be popular if she IS that random slutty girl
In your name, we pray...
Friday, April 15, 2011
Ass Purse..and other work-a-day things...
So Peeps - can't believe it's here again. Girl Scout Camping weekend. Wow, it seems like it was only 365 short days ago that Bella and I travelled deep into to the wilds of Harford County, MD to spend a weekend camping - and well - what do you know? Time to do it again. Tonight. Well isn't that just a crap-tastic kick in the pants? Not that I don't enjoy communing with nature and all of that stuff - but I don't . I really, really, really don't. And as the rancid whipped cream on this yulk-sundae, I am missing a nail appointment AND I lost a pinky nail today AND it is supposed to rain - ALL DAY tomorrow. So it's shaping up to be a great weekend. And by "great" I mean shitty.
However - it will NOT be any crappier than the week I am leaving behind. (And I think that perhaps, I just invented a new adjective in "crappier" - I'm not sure.) Oh no - not unless I do get poisoned ivy on my lady parts - see last year's camping blog - it will in NO WAY be worse than this past week. You see this week- I had the unique and distinct pleasure of personally visiting buildings in a ceratin school district that is, shall we say, not so scenic - or safe for that matter. Now, to illustrate how unsafe I felt in this particular place, I'd like to transcribe a conversation I had with PC this morning - just to give you an idea of where MY mind has been all week:
PC: "So where are you headed to day?"
Me: "Oh - to the 1800 block of "people murdered here every weekend" avenue. What about you?"
PC: "Uhhh - I'm picking up dry cleaning and having these pants let out a bit."
Me: "Cool. Have fun."
PC: "Um, are you sure it's safe for you to be going to this neighborhood by yourself?"
Me: "Oh, if you're worried about me being dragged from the car, beaten with lead pipes and then being fed to a pack of starving pitbulls - that would have been more appropriate to worry about on Tuesday. Today's neighborhoods might just involve a quick drive by shootiong or a more mundane car-jacking. Nothing too bad."
And here is the sad part - totally not embellishing that one. You know it's been a bad week when a potential car jacking seems "not that bad". When I started this 3 day excursion on Tuesday, PC jokingly said "Just get in and get out." I reminded him that the getting "in" and getting "out" parts were, in fact, the most dangerous parts of my workday.
But, like every ridiculous situation I find myself in - and I seem to find myself in a lot of these - there were many humorous moments interspersed with the terror. Like on Tuesday morning, as I waited to see the principal of a particular school - I was spit on. Yes, that is right - spit on. No, not by a llama as one might expect- but by a human being. A lovely, darling and obviously precocious little psychopath - I mean cherub- as he was being dragged kicking and screaming into said principal's office. Yes, this little darling took one look at me in my Talbot's crop pants and Ann Taylor twin set and thought: "What's missing on her lovely little springy ensemble? Earrings - check. Necklace - check. Bracelets - check. Oh wait - I know - a lugey. Great - just what I've got." And he proceeded to SPIT on me. Precious - no?
After a series of Brillo pad and Lysol showers, I headed back onto the mean streets this morning to finish visiting my assigned buildings. And boy, oh boy - today did NOT dissappoint! I thought being spit on was exciting - but it pales in comparison to my ass purse. Yes - ass purse - more on that later. But let me tell you about the first building I visited. This particular building was obviously dedicated to employing former circus side-show performers. For every grown-up that I saw was covered in ink - the kind of ink that must be applied to the skin with a series of needles. And one of these heavily tatooed individuals greeted me at the front desk. And let me tell you - nothing says "Welcome to our safe-haven of learning" like being greeted by a woman whose neck is covered in tatoos. As I meekly asked to speak with the principal - she emerged from her office dragging a bored looking child after her and threw him into a chair while screeching, and I quote here: "If I was the police, your butt would have been taaaazzzzzed by now!" I decided that SHE was having a challenging morning and dropped my information on her desk and calmly ran, I mean sauntered, out of the building. At lunch time, while in another fine institution of learning, I heard the following words being gently yelled at a small child - who, incidentally was on his way into the cafeteria to eat: "Get your hands out your pants - that's nasty. Now you gotta eat off those hands."
Nothing puts me in the mood for a good burger like the image of dirty hands covered with hiney-germs holding that burger. Thankfully, I was able to swallow down the throw-up that came up into my mouth and I didn't embarrass myself by puking on the floor.
But, the BEST part of my day happened at the LAST school I visited today. And by BEST - I actually mean best. Totally, ball-busting BEST thing any kid has EVER said to me happened this afternoon - and this is how it all went down:
Me: walking down the hallway, looking for the main office.
Her: walking out of the girl's bathroom as only a self confident 11 year old girl who actually does know "it all" and isn't afraid to show it can walk.
Her: "That's one big purse Lady...not as big as your ass...but big enough."
Yes - she compared my Coach bag...which I'd call mid-sized - to the size of my ass. And yes, she was right - it is , indeed, NOT as big as my ass. Now, while many of you might have been angered or horrified by her fresh-mouthed assertion, I was not. In fact - I was QUITE amused.
Me: "Huh - really?" It was at this point that I took my purse and held it up to my ass and said: "Huh - you're right. It IS smaller than my ass. Cool - thanks for the info."
Now, while you might be wondering "Why wasn't she enraged? Why didn't she report this fresh-mouthed girl to the princiapl?" I was wondering: "Why would she associate my purse with my ass? Are ass sized purses the new trend? Is it only a hip hop trend? Or will this ass purse trend become mainstream? Will Vera Bradley be coming out with new printed, ass- sized handbags? WIll I have to buy the big one? Will it be mandatory to buy one in the size of your ass? Shoot - I really have to rejoin Weight Watchers if this is the new trend. I don't want to have to pay for the big girl sized Vera Bradley bag. Jesus - how expensive will THAT be? "
WHY didn't I lecture her on the inappropriateness of her comment? Um - have you read the entire blog? This was the last place I had to be. And compared to the delightful things I'd seen and heard this week in the hallways of some of this nation's institutions of learning - this comment was BY FAR the FRIENDLIEST interaction I'd had.
Ok - so now I'm headed back into the woods. AND I was reminded this afternoon that I am NOT to bring booze this year. Apparently it's against some sort of Girl Scout rule. For the love of God - woods, bugs, rain,no heat, no AC, missing a nail appointment AND no booze? ?
Glad I have all of my stuff already packed in my gigantic ass purse.....
However - it will NOT be any crappier than the week I am leaving behind. (And I think that perhaps, I just invented a new adjective in "crappier" - I'm not sure.) Oh no - not unless I do get poisoned ivy on my lady parts - see last year's camping blog - it will in NO WAY be worse than this past week. You see this week- I had the unique and distinct pleasure of personally visiting buildings in a ceratin school district that is, shall we say, not so scenic - or safe for that matter. Now, to illustrate how unsafe I felt in this particular place, I'd like to transcribe a conversation I had with PC this morning - just to give you an idea of where MY mind has been all week:
PC: "So where are you headed to day?"
Me: "Oh - to the 1800 block of "people murdered here every weekend" avenue. What about you?"
PC: "Uhhh - I'm picking up dry cleaning and having these pants let out a bit."
Me: "Cool. Have fun."
PC: "Um, are you sure it's safe for you to be going to this neighborhood by yourself?"
Me: "Oh, if you're worried about me being dragged from the car, beaten with lead pipes and then being fed to a pack of starving pitbulls - that would have been more appropriate to worry about on Tuesday. Today's neighborhoods might just involve a quick drive by shootiong or a more mundane car-jacking. Nothing too bad."
And here is the sad part - totally not embellishing that one. You know it's been a bad week when a potential car jacking seems "not that bad". When I started this 3 day excursion on Tuesday, PC jokingly said "Just get in and get out." I reminded him that the getting "in" and getting "out" parts were, in fact, the most dangerous parts of my workday.
But, like every ridiculous situation I find myself in - and I seem to find myself in a lot of these - there were many humorous moments interspersed with the terror. Like on Tuesday morning, as I waited to see the principal of a particular school - I was spit on. Yes, that is right - spit on. No, not by a llama as one might expect- but by a human being. A lovely, darling and obviously precocious little psychopath - I mean cherub- as he was being dragged kicking and screaming into said principal's office. Yes, this little darling took one look at me in my Talbot's crop pants and Ann Taylor twin set and thought: "What's missing on her lovely little springy ensemble? Earrings - check. Necklace - check. Bracelets - check. Oh wait - I know - a lugey. Great - just what I've got." And he proceeded to SPIT on me. Precious - no?
After a series of Brillo pad and Lysol showers, I headed back onto the mean streets this morning to finish visiting my assigned buildings. And boy, oh boy - today did NOT dissappoint! I thought being spit on was exciting - but it pales in comparison to my ass purse. Yes - ass purse - more on that later. But let me tell you about the first building I visited. This particular building was obviously dedicated to employing former circus side-show performers. For every grown-up that I saw was covered in ink - the kind of ink that must be applied to the skin with a series of needles. And one of these heavily tatooed individuals greeted me at the front desk. And let me tell you - nothing says "Welcome to our safe-haven of learning" like being greeted by a woman whose neck is covered in tatoos. As I meekly asked to speak with the principal - she emerged from her office dragging a bored looking child after her and threw him into a chair while screeching, and I quote here: "If I was the police, your butt would have been taaaazzzzzed by now!" I decided that SHE was having a challenging morning and dropped my information on her desk and calmly ran, I mean sauntered, out of the building. At lunch time, while in another fine institution of learning, I heard the following words being gently yelled at a small child - who, incidentally was on his way into the cafeteria to eat: "Get your hands out your pants - that's nasty. Now you gotta eat off those hands."
Nothing puts me in the mood for a good burger like the image of dirty hands covered with hiney-germs holding that burger. Thankfully, I was able to swallow down the throw-up that came up into my mouth and I didn't embarrass myself by puking on the floor.
But, the BEST part of my day happened at the LAST school I visited today. And by BEST - I actually mean best. Totally, ball-busting BEST thing any kid has EVER said to me happened this afternoon - and this is how it all went down:
Me: walking down the hallway, looking for the main office.
Her: walking out of the girl's bathroom as only a self confident 11 year old girl who actually does know "it all" and isn't afraid to show it can walk.
Her: "That's one big purse Lady...not as big as your ass...but big enough."
Yes - she compared my Coach bag...which I'd call mid-sized - to the size of my ass. And yes, she was right - it is , indeed, NOT as big as my ass. Now, while many of you might have been angered or horrified by her fresh-mouthed assertion, I was not. In fact - I was QUITE amused.
Me: "Huh - really?" It was at this point that I took my purse and held it up to my ass and said: "Huh - you're right. It IS smaller than my ass. Cool - thanks for the info."
Now, while you might be wondering "Why wasn't she enraged? Why didn't she report this fresh-mouthed girl to the princiapl?" I was wondering: "Why would she associate my purse with my ass? Are ass sized purses the new trend? Is it only a hip hop trend? Or will this ass purse trend become mainstream? Will Vera Bradley be coming out with new printed, ass- sized handbags? WIll I have to buy the big one? Will it be mandatory to buy one in the size of your ass? Shoot - I really have to rejoin Weight Watchers if this is the new trend. I don't want to have to pay for the big girl sized Vera Bradley bag. Jesus - how expensive will THAT be? "
WHY didn't I lecture her on the inappropriateness of her comment? Um - have you read the entire blog? This was the last place I had to be. And compared to the delightful things I'd seen and heard this week in the hallways of some of this nation's institutions of learning - this comment was BY FAR the FRIENDLIEST interaction I'd had.
Ok - so now I'm headed back into the woods. AND I was reminded this afternoon that I am NOT to bring booze this year. Apparently it's against some sort of Girl Scout rule. For the love of God - woods, bugs, rain,no heat, no AC, missing a nail appointment AND no booze? ?
Glad I have all of my stuff already packed in my gigantic ass purse.....
Sunday, April 10, 2011
The GREATEST Show on Earth!!!!!!!!!!!
Well hey there Peeps! It's been a while. Spring has spung here in Charm City, and that can only mean one thing....the circus is in town. That's right - every year Baltimore hosts the Greatest Show on Earth - America's Living National Treasure - The Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Circus during the end of March/beginning of April. And this year, Busy Momma and her crew decided to celebrate the beginning of spring, and Bella and Jack's birthday month by going to see the circus. I'll admit it - I LOVE the circus. And to be quite honest, I've been surprised at the number of friends and acquaintences who have told me that they HATE going to the circus! Shocking, truly shocking! Where else can you see elephants, tigers, acrobats, tight rope walkers, fire eaters, trapeeze artists and their death defying stunts all under one roof while drinking a $12.00 watered down coke and eating a $17.00 box of stale popcorn? Haters.
Anyway - yesterday was the big day. We had taken Bella to the circus when she turned 4, so she didn't really remember a whole lot about it. What she DID remember was being very afraid of the clowns, and she still kept a safe distance from the clowns she saw yesterday. Bella - being the first child - was taken to her first circus as a "Circus Celebrity". A "Circus Celebrity" gets to sit in the very front row AND gets taken onto to circus floor and sits in one of the three rings for part of the show. Pretty cool, huh? Unfortunately for Bella, when it was time to walk down onto the floor, a clown walked up to us and was to act as our escort. Let's just say that this was the day that we learned that Bella was afraid of clown. We learned it, the cast of clowns learned it and EVERYONE at the 4:30pm showing of the circus realized it as well. Needless to say, we opted to be regular circus audience members this time around. It was Jack's first time - and he was beside himself with excitement. And the circus did not disappoint. He was wide eyed from the moment the circus started until the very end. He loved the motorcycle acts, the tigers, the elephants, the cotton candy, the popcorn, the soda, the hot dags and of course - the spinny light. Poor Jack had NEVER been to an event that required the purchase of the $15.00 spinny light. How on earth has he reached the ripe old age of "almost" seven and NEVER been to an entertainment event that included a spinny light? So - yesterday he got the magical motorcycle spinny light. And Jack, being the rule follower that he is, spun that light like his life depended on it every time they dimmed the lights in the arena.
And it is at this point in the blog that I'd like to send a shout out to the dried-up, wizened woman who was sitting behind my wide eyed, excited, beautiful little boy. While I will never understand why you did not splurge and shell out the $15 bucks it would have cost to make your little darling happy with her own spinny light, it is not mine to ask. HOWEVER, when you go to a circus, and the adorable little boy in front of you holds up his spinny light during a BLACK OUT When YOU CAN"T SEE ANYTHING ANYWAY - try not to let your inner and obviously disappointed and troubled child out by telling MY SON to put his light down because you can't see. Might I remind you that unless you have spidey senses or "magical eyes" you can't see SHIT during a blackout and they tell the kids to spin their lights. So please crawl back under the rock you slithered out from and STAY THERE!
Other than that - Busy Momma and her crew had a WONDERFUL time at the circus! Much to Bella's delight - there was not one, but TWO ladies dressed up as Mermaids! Those meramids became aerialists who spun around on bright silver rings that hung from the arena ceiling. And as my children looked on with wonderment, and gasped in delight at the fearless and unbelieveably talented performers - Busy Momma's mind was whirring. The gears were in motion and I became obsessed with one question:
Who are the STUDS of the circus?
That's right - you read that right. For most of the circus, I wondered about the back stage hook ups. Who hooks up with whom? Now, being a theater geek, I am well aware that with every show, there is always a pecking order if you will of hook ups. So I began to wonder - who are the studs of circus life? Who are the most elegible bachelors on the circut? Here are my thoughts n this most important topic:
1. The tiger trainer? While the tiger trainer was kind of good looking and all muscle bound, I am going to say that No, the tiger trainer is NOT the stud of the circus. In fact - PC and I both believe that the tiger trainer guy is the "creepy wing man" of the studs of the circus. He's the guy at the bar who wears pants that are a bit too tight, a shirt that is unbuttoned a bit too much, a chest that is a bit too hairy and gives you the creeps the moment he makes eye contact. His pick up line is old and as stale as his breath. He probably hits on all of the girls in the chorus and winds up spending the night with the bearded lady.
2. The clowns? Obviously not. While I WAS impressed with the clowns who could juggle fire - and think that they are definitely at the TOP of the clown hook up pecking order - PC and I once again agree that clowns only hook up with other clowns. I think that is an unwritten and largely unbroken rule in circus life. I just can't see clowns co-mingling with the acrobats or the aierialists. I just don't see it happening.
3. Acrobats - hmmm. Tough one. While they are muscle bound - and bendy- the acrobats we saw yesterday were, for the most part, all dressed as sea urchin type creatures. They wore head -to- toe purple and neon orange bodysuits. This detail, while seemingly small and unimportant, is, I believe a huge "tell" in the back-stage hook-up pecking order. No self respecting stud would EVER wear a head-to-toe spandex bodysuit. Would he? I am making this decision STRICTLY on costume - but I am going to say that NO - the acrobats are not the circus studs.
4. The Motor-Cycle Men - now while it might seem an easy pick, as they wear leather and ride motorcycles and really are in ALOT of danger in the "Sphere of Death" or whatever they call that steel cage they ride around in - I'm saying no. Here is what I think - I think that the motorcycle men are NOT studs at all. I think they are a quiet bunch of very religious, very Catholic guys. They are supposedly all members of one family, they are from South America AND they are 3rd and 4th generation circus performers. So, I can't see being the big man-whore of the circus community while your parents and brothers and sisters are all on tour with you. I just don't see it happening. Not that they don't get any tail - I'm SURE they do - they just do it covertly and in the backseat of somebody's car or in the elephant cages, the way the rest of us good Catholics do.
5. The Tight-Rope Walkers - again - all one family. Don't see it happening with mom and dad in the act. Plus, these days, they are all attached to some kind of harness - so their act just doesn't seem a "death-defying" when you can clearly see the wires and you know that if they fall - they will just look like fish on a hook hanging from a pulley attached to the ceiling instead of plummeting to their certain death.
So who does that leave us with? Well, one very obvious choice and one not-so-obvious, but I think sure winner. Now according to PC - the studs of the circus are:
The Flying Trapeeze Guys and Girls.
Why?
Well because first of all - they save the flying trapeeze act until the very end of the circus - thereby highlighting their importance in the show. And let's face it - who DOESN'T want to hook up with the star of the show? AND they can fly. I mean say what you will about them - but they are in AMAZING shape, they are all pretty great looking AND they can do amazing tricks. So PC and I both think that the absolute STUDS and hardest to get hook ups are the trapeeze guys and gals.
HOWEVER - I believe that there is another group of circus folk who probably get all of the best looking girls. And this will SHOCK you - but when you think about it - it makes perfect sense. Who do I think gets the prettiest acrobats, aerialists, contortionists and dancers to go gaa-gaa over them? Who makes the prettiest, most stuck-up girls on the circus circut go weak in the knees? Are you ready?
The elephant trainers.
Yup - the guys who take care of the real stars of the show - the elephant trainers. THINK about it. While these guys are not the most ruggedly handsome, muscle bound men you can think of - they take care of the circus' treasure and most beautiful and gentle cast members - the elphants. Taking care of elephants is NO easy task (or so I've been told). They don't get the accolades, they don't get the applause, but they are there every day taking gentle, loving care of those beautiful creatures. A man who can whisper to an elephant and get her to dance and lay down and - well do anything - is a powerful, yet gentle man. And THAT will make the girls go wild. My theory is that the trapeeze guys have HUGE egos. And MY theory is that they go through cast members like the rest of us go through panyhose. They use them up and then - once they've gotten all they can from them - they ball them up and toss them out. And I dare say that some of the more seasoned ladies on the circus circut can see them coming a mile away. THIS is why the elephant trainers, in my estimation, probably get just as much if not MORE tail than the Flying Trapeeze guys.
Now as far as the girls on the tour - here is how PC and I see it. We think the easiest girls are the dancing girls in the chorus. Now, I will admit that I was a bit disturbed by how quickly PC blurted out "Chorus girls" when I posed the question. For those of you who DON'T know my PC - he spent YEARS doing show after show after show...usually as the lead (think trapeeze guy). Why he was able without a moment's hesitation to id the chorus girls as the biggest sluts on tour is a bit troubling. (Especially because in most of the shows I was in - I was a CHORUS girl! Hmmmm) We both think that the flying trapeeze girls and the girl who spins around in the air by her hair are the biggest bitches in the circus and thereby the hardest to hook up with. I think the contortionists are religious freaks. Why ? I have no idea. But that's what I think. And any of the girls in the family acts are probably locked away in their circus trailers at the end of every performance because their older brothers know exactly how horny the other performers can get and they will KILL anyone who mars the honor of their little sisters.
So by now you all either think that I have a sure and certain mental problem because these are the things that ran through my mind all day yesterday - or you are laughing your ass off because you DO really know me and are not surprised at all that these are the thoughts that preoccupied my brain all day long. If my thought process disturbs you - keep this in mind.....if YOUR child ever runs away and joins the circus - now you will be that much further ahead of the game in preparing them for circus life. You see, PC and I would not be surprised AT ALL if Bella came home from school one day and announced that she was running away to join the circus. Sparkly costumes, mermaid tails and spinning while upside down at very high speeds while dressed in a sequined covered mermaid tail is simply an opportunity that my Bella would NEVER EVER be able to resist. So, in all fairness to me - these thoughts were simply me being a good mother. Trying to prepare myself for a future that might include nightly updates from the circus tent...that's all I'm sayin'.
Anyway - yesterday was the big day. We had taken Bella to the circus when she turned 4, so she didn't really remember a whole lot about it. What she DID remember was being very afraid of the clowns, and she still kept a safe distance from the clowns she saw yesterday. Bella - being the first child - was taken to her first circus as a "Circus Celebrity". A "Circus Celebrity" gets to sit in the very front row AND gets taken onto to circus floor and sits in one of the three rings for part of the show. Pretty cool, huh? Unfortunately for Bella, when it was time to walk down onto the floor, a clown walked up to us and was to act as our escort. Let's just say that this was the day that we learned that Bella was afraid of clown. We learned it, the cast of clowns learned it and EVERYONE at the 4:30pm showing of the circus realized it as well. Needless to say, we opted to be regular circus audience members this time around. It was Jack's first time - and he was beside himself with excitement. And the circus did not disappoint. He was wide eyed from the moment the circus started until the very end. He loved the motorcycle acts, the tigers, the elephants, the cotton candy, the popcorn, the soda, the hot dags and of course - the spinny light. Poor Jack had NEVER been to an event that required the purchase of the $15.00 spinny light. How on earth has he reached the ripe old age of "almost" seven and NEVER been to an entertainment event that included a spinny light? So - yesterday he got the magical motorcycle spinny light. And Jack, being the rule follower that he is, spun that light like his life depended on it every time they dimmed the lights in the arena.
And it is at this point in the blog that I'd like to send a shout out to the dried-up, wizened woman who was sitting behind my wide eyed, excited, beautiful little boy. While I will never understand why you did not splurge and shell out the $15 bucks it would have cost to make your little darling happy with her own spinny light, it is not mine to ask. HOWEVER, when you go to a circus, and the adorable little boy in front of you holds up his spinny light during a BLACK OUT When YOU CAN"T SEE ANYTHING ANYWAY - try not to let your inner and obviously disappointed and troubled child out by telling MY SON to put his light down because you can't see. Might I remind you that unless you have spidey senses or "magical eyes" you can't see SHIT during a blackout and they tell the kids to spin their lights. So please crawl back under the rock you slithered out from and STAY THERE!
Other than that - Busy Momma and her crew had a WONDERFUL time at the circus! Much to Bella's delight - there was not one, but TWO ladies dressed up as Mermaids! Those meramids became aerialists who spun around on bright silver rings that hung from the arena ceiling. And as my children looked on with wonderment, and gasped in delight at the fearless and unbelieveably talented performers - Busy Momma's mind was whirring. The gears were in motion and I became obsessed with one question:
Who are the STUDS of the circus?
That's right - you read that right. For most of the circus, I wondered about the back stage hook ups. Who hooks up with whom? Now, being a theater geek, I am well aware that with every show, there is always a pecking order if you will of hook ups. So I began to wonder - who are the studs of circus life? Who are the most elegible bachelors on the circut? Here are my thoughts n this most important topic:
1. The tiger trainer? While the tiger trainer was kind of good looking and all muscle bound, I am going to say that No, the tiger trainer is NOT the stud of the circus. In fact - PC and I both believe that the tiger trainer guy is the "creepy wing man" of the studs of the circus. He's the guy at the bar who wears pants that are a bit too tight, a shirt that is unbuttoned a bit too much, a chest that is a bit too hairy and gives you the creeps the moment he makes eye contact. His pick up line is old and as stale as his breath. He probably hits on all of the girls in the chorus and winds up spending the night with the bearded lady.
2. The clowns? Obviously not. While I WAS impressed with the clowns who could juggle fire - and think that they are definitely at the TOP of the clown hook up pecking order - PC and I once again agree that clowns only hook up with other clowns. I think that is an unwritten and largely unbroken rule in circus life. I just can't see clowns co-mingling with the acrobats or the aierialists. I just don't see it happening.
3. Acrobats - hmmm. Tough one. While they are muscle bound - and bendy- the acrobats we saw yesterday were, for the most part, all dressed as sea urchin type creatures. They wore head -to- toe purple and neon orange bodysuits. This detail, while seemingly small and unimportant, is, I believe a huge "tell" in the back-stage hook-up pecking order. No self respecting stud would EVER wear a head-to-toe spandex bodysuit. Would he? I am making this decision STRICTLY on costume - but I am going to say that NO - the acrobats are not the circus studs.
4. The Motor-Cycle Men - now while it might seem an easy pick, as they wear leather and ride motorcycles and really are in ALOT of danger in the "Sphere of Death" or whatever they call that steel cage they ride around in - I'm saying no. Here is what I think - I think that the motorcycle men are NOT studs at all. I think they are a quiet bunch of very religious, very Catholic guys. They are supposedly all members of one family, they are from South America AND they are 3rd and 4th generation circus performers. So, I can't see being the big man-whore of the circus community while your parents and brothers and sisters are all on tour with you. I just don't see it happening. Not that they don't get any tail - I'm SURE they do - they just do it covertly and in the backseat of somebody's car or in the elephant cages, the way the rest of us good Catholics do.
5. The Tight-Rope Walkers - again - all one family. Don't see it happening with mom and dad in the act. Plus, these days, they are all attached to some kind of harness - so their act just doesn't seem a "death-defying" when you can clearly see the wires and you know that if they fall - they will just look like fish on a hook hanging from a pulley attached to the ceiling instead of plummeting to their certain death.
So who does that leave us with? Well, one very obvious choice and one not-so-obvious, but I think sure winner. Now according to PC - the studs of the circus are:
The Flying Trapeeze Guys and Girls.
Why?
Well because first of all - they save the flying trapeeze act until the very end of the circus - thereby highlighting their importance in the show. And let's face it - who DOESN'T want to hook up with the star of the show? AND they can fly. I mean say what you will about them - but they are in AMAZING shape, they are all pretty great looking AND they can do amazing tricks. So PC and I both think that the absolute STUDS and hardest to get hook ups are the trapeeze guys and gals.
HOWEVER - I believe that there is another group of circus folk who probably get all of the best looking girls. And this will SHOCK you - but when you think about it - it makes perfect sense. Who do I think gets the prettiest acrobats, aerialists, contortionists and dancers to go gaa-gaa over them? Who makes the prettiest, most stuck-up girls on the circus circut go weak in the knees? Are you ready?
The elephant trainers.
Yup - the guys who take care of the real stars of the show - the elephant trainers. THINK about it. While these guys are not the most ruggedly handsome, muscle bound men you can think of - they take care of the circus' treasure and most beautiful and gentle cast members - the elphants. Taking care of elephants is NO easy task (or so I've been told). They don't get the accolades, they don't get the applause, but they are there every day taking gentle, loving care of those beautiful creatures. A man who can whisper to an elephant and get her to dance and lay down and - well do anything - is a powerful, yet gentle man. And THAT will make the girls go wild. My theory is that the trapeeze guys have HUGE egos. And MY theory is that they go through cast members like the rest of us go through panyhose. They use them up and then - once they've gotten all they can from them - they ball them up and toss them out. And I dare say that some of the more seasoned ladies on the circus circut can see them coming a mile away. THIS is why the elephant trainers, in my estimation, probably get just as much if not MORE tail than the Flying Trapeeze guys.
Now as far as the girls on the tour - here is how PC and I see it. We think the easiest girls are the dancing girls in the chorus. Now, I will admit that I was a bit disturbed by how quickly PC blurted out "Chorus girls" when I posed the question. For those of you who DON'T know my PC - he spent YEARS doing show after show after show...usually as the lead (think trapeeze guy). Why he was able without a moment's hesitation to id the chorus girls as the biggest sluts on tour is a bit troubling. (Especially because in most of the shows I was in - I was a CHORUS girl! Hmmmm) We both think that the flying trapeeze girls and the girl who spins around in the air by her hair are the biggest bitches in the circus and thereby the hardest to hook up with. I think the contortionists are religious freaks. Why ? I have no idea. But that's what I think. And any of the girls in the family acts are probably locked away in their circus trailers at the end of every performance because their older brothers know exactly how horny the other performers can get and they will KILL anyone who mars the honor of their little sisters.
So by now you all either think that I have a sure and certain mental problem because these are the things that ran through my mind all day yesterday - or you are laughing your ass off because you DO really know me and are not surprised at all that these are the thoughts that preoccupied my brain all day long. If my thought process disturbs you - keep this in mind.....if YOUR child ever runs away and joins the circus - now you will be that much further ahead of the game in preparing them for circus life. You see, PC and I would not be surprised AT ALL if Bella came home from school one day and announced that she was running away to join the circus. Sparkly costumes, mermaid tails and spinning while upside down at very high speeds while dressed in a sequined covered mermaid tail is simply an opportunity that my Bella would NEVER EVER be able to resist. So, in all fairness to me - these thoughts were simply me being a good mother. Trying to prepare myself for a future that might include nightly updates from the circus tent...that's all I'm sayin'.
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