My Life in Paw Prints

Hi Peeps! So Busy Momma is trying something new. I am working on a memoir of my life - told in the context of the pets that my family and I have had the privilege to love. So, I am trying to write one chapter draft at a time and am serializing the chapters on the blog.  I'd love your feedback! 

Have you ever gone to a training class where the overly enthusiastic and obnoxiously energetic trainer begins the class by asking you to write down a list of words that "describe the different roles you play in life"? I'm sure many of you have engaged in this exercise. Many of you have probably played this game several times and written the same list that I always write. It goes something like this:

• mother
• wife
• daughter
• sister
• friend
• granddaughter
• teacher
• writer
• laundry lady, cook, cleaning lady, chauffeur,  cupcake baker, slave, midnight Science project fixer-upper, mean homework checker...and on and on and on. 

What is interesting about my list - other than the end of the list being a bit passive aggressive - is that I have never EVER written "pet lover" or "animal lover" or "animal rescue advocate" on my list. And I am all of those things. Yet, when I quickly list the "roles" I play or the "hats"I wear - animal lover never makes the cut. And for the life of me I can't figure out why.When I really sat down to think about it, I reasoned that I don't immediately identify myself as an "animal person" because I came to my love of all things furry rather late in life. I mean., I never even had a real pet until I was an adult.( Well- that is not exactly true.We did grow up with a few fish). And as I began to really think about my life and reflect on the animals in my life, I came to a startling realization. I can associate almost every major life event with a pet that I had at the time. The happiest and, in turn, saddest times in my life have been directly affected by the animal I was living with at the time. And as I began  reflecting on these stories, I realized that I have been unbelievably blessed by the presence of each of  these furry, fuzzy, and scaled creatures. So blessed, in fact, that I decided to write about them.

In the Beginning....

So...my mother is not exactly what you'd call an animal "lover". She is more of an animal "phobic" kind of gal. And I can't really blame her for that. When she was a little girl she had what one might call a slight "mishap" with a charging bull in a field of flowers. One might also call the experience a perfect example of why one can never completely trust one's husband with one's curious toddler. Whatever you chose to call it - let's just say that this bull was no Ferdinand. To hear my mom tell the story- this bull was the Cujo of bulls. Seriously. Apparently, when my grandparents were visiting the homeland, and showing off my lovely little toddler of a mother to the folks back home, my grandfather made a HUGE mistake. He decided to take my mom out for an early morning walk - all by himself. Sounds great - right? Let the wife sleep in, earn some brownie points and spend some quality time with the kiddo. And I am SURE that's exactly what he had in mind. Unfortunately, that's not quite how it turned out. Somehow, my grandfather managed to get distracted....in a rural area...with no one and nothing around...but - no judgement here. Anywho...my little mom manages to crawl into a fenced- in field - home of Cujo the bull. And guess what? He did what bulls do - he charged. RIGHT AT HER!!!! And this event has RUINED this woman. Seriously RUINED her for life. My poor mother is TERRIFIED of ANYTHING - and I do mean ANYTHING on 4 legs. The following images - should they materialize and actually approach my mother -would cause the woman to scream like her hair was on fire and violently pull her legs and all exposed body parts away....

WARNING - the following images have been known to cause my mother extreme stress and horrific nightmares. They are NOT for the faint of heart.

Um-so no big surprise - there were almost NO pets in our household growing up. At least nothing with four legs. I do, however, recall a few fish. Our first fish experience is actually one of my earliest memories. 

 I remember my dad taking us to a pet store in the mall and buying us our very first pet - a guppy. My brother and I were SO excited. I mean REALLY excited. Like crazy, over-the-moon excited for a guppy that cost a penny.  It was pathetic. We had been begging and pleading for a pet and FINALLY, FINALLY my dad gave in. I can't imagine why - but I imagine we probably badgered the poor man until he was half out of his mind. So, he bit the bullet and agreed to get us a "pet". Looking back - I can see that the poor guy was in an impossible spot. Anger his wife or disappoint his terribly whiny children. And as any parent can tell you - an angry spouse is a small price to pay to get the kids to shut the f@#k up for an afternoon. So, home we went with a big, watery plastic bag full of happiness. As I recall - Mom was less than pleased.So not-pleased, in fact, that she made us keep our little guppy on a small table in the front foyer of our house. And that was just fine with us because we FINALLY had a pet. FINALLY we were normal. Or so we thought....

Imagine our delight the next morning when we ran down the stairs to check on our beloved guppy and discovered that a miracle had occurred. Oh yes, during the night, our guppy spawned what looked like a thousand little guppies! Well, you can imagine the screaming that ensued. My brother and I were screaming with sheer and utter delight. I mean who got lucky like that? We went from 0 pets to THOUSANDS of them in a 12-hour period! The screaming, predictably, attracted my parents' attention. When my mother saw the miracle that had occurred, she too began to scream. Oddly, her screaming did NOT sound like screams of joy. Nope, her screams sounded quite different than ours, and were also directed at my dad. 

Poor Sucker.

After the screaming died down, my brother and I watched in awe as our guppy continued to give birth to more teeny, tiny guppy babies. They were so cute. We began naming each and every one. It was like standing at the window of the nursery in the hospital and looking at all of the adorable babies and realizing that they were ALL YOURS!!!!  

And then, it happened.

 Can you recall the exact moment when your innocence was lost? Perhaps it was when you found all of the Christmas presents wrapped up in the attic, or when you caught your mom slipping tooth fairy money under your pillow. Well, my brother and I lost our innocence together, that very morning. You see, after our guppy finished birthing her babies, she became rather hungry. RAVENOUS, in fact. And, quite to our horror, our beloved guppy, the guppy we had loved for all of 13 hours, began eating her babies. First one, then another and another and another. It was like something out of a Stephen King movie. She just ate and ate and ate. It was carnage. I think one of us started screaming and I remember my parents running in. The next few moments are a blur in my memory. I remember a lot of "Jesus Christ"-ing. And someone said "Well isn't this a lovely picture you've painted for the children here" and someone else might have said: "I'm not a GD fish gynecologist! I didn't know the stupid thing was pregnant!"

Let's just say - it was an ugly, ugly scene. 

Somehow, even though he wasn't a fish gyno, my dad did know enough about guppies to separate the mommy guppy from her babies. So, the carnage was over...or so we thought. 

Now, the only explanation I have for what happened next is PTSD. Yep - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I believe that this horrific scene caused my mother, my beloved mother who would normally not hurt a fly...because she is scared of them...well, to this day I believe it caused her to snap. I think it triggered a Post Traumatic Stress reaction in her. I think watching the carnage - witnessing the cannibal guppy actually EAT HER YOUNG - made her travel back in time. I think that instead of standing in front of our $1.99 fish bowl at that moment, my mother THOUGHT she was standing in that beautiful field of flowers being charged by Cujo the bull. She was that helpless little 3-year old girl staring death right in the snout. Or, in this case,  in the gills. Anyway - the next thing we knew my mother had the little fish bowl in her hands and walked into the backyard. She walked right out onto the patio and stopped when she got to the little rock garden we had. And then, in an act that will be burned into my memory for the rest of my days, my mother DUMPED THE BOWL! Our guppy! Our beloved cannibal guppy! Our guppy who had no name because we couldn't agree on a name was dumped unceremoniously into the rock garden! Our guppy - with her belly full of her delicious guppy babies - was dead. With one dump of the bowl our mother crushed our dreams of actually owning a pet. A cannibal pet at that! We could have been the COOLEST kids in school. We could have had kids come over and put a few babies in the bowl with the mommy and they could have watched Darwinism in action.

We could have charged admission.

But NO! Our mother, killer of guppies was also a killer of dreams. There would be NO side show shenanigans at our house. I don't really remember what happened to the thousands of guppy babies that made it through the carnage. Maybe I've blocked it out of my memory. Or maybe my mom dumped them the next day while we were at school. I really don't know. All I know for sure is that my first experience as a pet owner only lasted for about 13 hours and it wasn't pretty. It is amazing that we ever got another pet - but somehow we did. And amazingly - it was another fish. 

Summer Reading 2013 Edition!

Hello my Peeps! Who is ready for Summer? Busy Momma and crew are MORE than ready! We have 9 more days of school and then WOOT WOOT! School's out, summer is here and the livin' is easy.....

And you know me - I love nothing more than laying on my beach chair and getting lost in a good book. And I intend to do that - A LOT this summer. I have downloaded waaay too many books already for my summer reading pleasure - and it seems like every day I see a review of one more that I just HAVE to read before Labor Day! So - with that being said - here she is:

Busy Momma's Summer Reading List - 2013 Edition.

If you read NOTHING ELSE this summer - you MUST, MUST, MUST read Amor Towles completely amazing book Rules of Civility. This was my absolute favorite book of the year so far. It is kind of Great Gatsby-esque in its setting - think greed, excess and gilt. But the characters are very different than Jay Gatsby and crew. It is the story of 2 girls who meet a man who intrigues them both...and the inevitable chaos that ensues. It makes you really think about responsibility, duty and loyalty - and the implications of one's behavior and choices.The plot moves quickly, the characters are beautifully written and it is the type of story that leaves you thinking - really thinking about the decisions made and if they were the right decisions. Again - a MUST read. 

OK, OK - I know that some people do not like Dan Brown. I, however, am not one of those people! Inferno is sitting on my Kindle, waiting to be read. I loved all of Brown's earlier works - The DaVinci Code;  Angels and Demons; and The Lost Symbol.  I have very high hopes for Inferno.  

I like easy, light reading over the summer. If it lives up to its predecessors, this one promises to be a page turner and a fantastic ride! 

Now - those of you who read my blog faithfully - all 4 of you - might recognize Seating Arrangements by Maggie Shipstead as one of lAST Year's books. I am NOTHING if not ambitious with my summer reading lists. I did NOT get to this one last summer, and since it takes place in my favorite summer destination - Cape Cod - I decided to wait until THIS summer to read it! So, as my children are diving into Gull Pond or boogie boarding themselves to exhaustion at Marconi Beach, I will be digging into what promises to be a GREAT read. This is the story of a very WASPY family throwing a Cape Cod wedding for their daughter. The plot promises to revolve around horrible behavior, seduction, family secrets, betrayal, and adultery. What else do you need in a summer read? 

There is NOTHING I like better than a multi-generational tale that spans decades and takes place on many continents. That is why I am really excited that my book club: The Dewey Decimal Divas - chose Khaled Hosseini's newest tome: And the Mountains Echoed as our next pick. If you had the pleasure of reading The Kite Runner or A Thousand Splendid Suns, you know that Hosseini is a master at his craft. He can tell a story like no other. His newest work explores family - how we love, hurt, betray, take care of and nurture one another. I've learned to read his books with a few tissues nearby. Consider yourself warned....

I LOVED this book! Yes - I already read it, and it is WONDERFUL! The Burgess Boys by Elizabeth Strout tells the story of one very dysfunctional family. Their lives are marked very early on by a tragedy that affects them all very differently and shapes the course of their lives. The story revolves around three siblings who have no choice but to come together when a member of the next generation of Burgess kids gets himself in a HEAP of trouble. This story will have you thinking about your own family, how, when the chips are down - all we've really got is one another - and forgiveness. I don't want to say too much and give the big plot  twist away - so all I will say is - if you like surprise endings - you'll like this one. 

The next few picks intrigue me. I'm not making any promises - but I decided to take my chances on them! The Woman Upstairs  by Claire Messud is the story of a woman who lives a life that she doesn't particularly want or love. She is a school teacher in Cambridge, Mass. and by all accounts, is living a life without passion. She compromised her dreams long ago and has become - the woman upstairs - a nobody, living on the fringes of other people's lives. Until she meets a glamorous and mysterious family and becomes attached to their young daughter, who also happens to be her student. Her interactions with each member of the family promise to change her and reawaken a passion within her. Looking forward to this one. 

This one has intrigued me for some time. In The Interestings by Meg Wolitzer, we meet a group of friends who have been together since their teen years. They all meet a a summer camp for the arts and the book follows the course of their lives as some become shining starts and others become - well - not so shiny. It looks like it is a story of success, failure and something in-between - and how we, as adults handle the fact that some of the dreams we had for ourselves and our futures didn't and will not ever come true. 

I am on the fence about this one because it looks kind of weird. I think I am going to download a SAMPLE on the old Kindle before I commit. Life After Life  by Kate Atkinson explores what would happen if we are born again and again and again - living your life over and over again until you got it right. Interesting - n'est pas? It has gotten STELLAR reviews and looks like it could be fantastic. I'm going to give it a try. 

I am NOT a big fan of non-fiction or memoirs. That being said - I am going to give Wild by Cheryl Strayed a try. I am trying this one because I like the concept - the author sets off on a hike of over 1100 miles ALL ALONE, without previous hiking experience. She does this because she is so broken by her circumstances that she needs to do something big, something amazing, to start her healing process. I like books about broken people picking up their pieces and parts and putting themselves back together again. So, I am going to try this one out. 

In the category of good books I read this year - we find Jess Walter's Beautiful Ruins. This one is a great beach read. It is the story of long lost love, misunderstanding and ultimate redemption. It spans decades and takes place between a seaside village in Italy and the Hollywood of Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. I think it's out in paperback - so if you find it, throw it in the pool bag and enjoy getting lost in this gem of a story. 

If you're looking for a spooky mystery that is full of magic and spine chilling events - you've found your book! The Night Circus is a GREAT story about a troupe of travelling performers who entertain in a circus...that only performs at night. Every character is cloaked in mystery and intrigue. You'll find yourself staying up late to read on and see how it all turns out at the end....and I promise - you WON'T be disappointed! 

If you're looking for a spectacularly fun and funny read - here's your book! Where'd You Go, Bernadette? is a joy. If you've ever had your kid in private school and looked around at the pick up line and said to yourself: "What the HELL am I doing here with these people?"  you will love Bernadette. The title character is a brilliant architect who mysteriously gave up what promised to be an absolutely white hot career to be a wife and mother in suburban Seattle. I promise - you will laugh while she fights to maintain some shred of her true, authentic, off beat self in the land of Microsoft Stepford wives who are uber concerned with the private and oh so snobby middle and high schools their children are destined to attend.  I laughed out loud several times as I read the book. When Bernadette disappears - you will wonder, along with her family where the heck she went! What happened to her? How does a housewife in Seattle suddenly disappear of the face of the earth? And what will it take for her to come back?

Have a newly minted tween or teenager on your hands? Negotiating some rocky terrain? Asking yourself how different IS it being a teenager today than it was when YOU were reading Tiger Beat, crushing on Ricky Schroeder, Jason Bateman and listening to the Thriller album on your record player? OK - if you know what a record player IS because you had one before you got a boom box with a tape deck in it - you REALLY need to read this book. Because, even though many of us were tween and teenagers a mere 25 years ago...and I'm being generous there - MUCH has changed. Today's tweens and teens live in a very different world. A world that we didn't have to negotiate when we were growing up. We didn't have social media and all of the joys and dangers that come with it. We didn't have the internet - I didn't even have a COMPUTER in my home until I got my second professional job. When I was a teenager - social media was what was written on the bathroom stall doors in the River Edge diner! Our kids have so much to contend with - yet they are still children. Children who are thrust into a VERY grown-up world, exposed to some very grown-up concepts while they are still looking at the world through the eyes of a child and with a mind that is not fully developed. A very good friend of mine mentioned that this was her and her sister's GUIDEBOOK as their kids navigated their teen years - and they turned out ok. So I picked it up. It is GREAT. It talks about how teenagers develop - how their minds develop and how they think. It gives great strategies and suggestions for talking to your teens, getting them to WANT to talk to you and to trust you. The author is a parent and therapist and he has definitely walked the walk. The book deals with every situation under the sun - many of which I hope we NEVER have to deal with. It is definitely worth a read - especially if you're looking at a creature that LOOKS like the kid you've been raising yet behaves like a complete and total stranger and FORBIDS you from doing ANYTHING NORMAL like kissing her goodbye at the bus stop or singing in the car if anyone who might be "cool" is within earshot or wearing anything that might "totally humiliate" them. Like any or all of your clothing - then this book is for you.

Other Reader's Picks:

I am looking forward to reading Vanessa Diffenbaugh's The Language of Flowers. This one was HIGHLY recommended by a pal. This story revolves around  a former foster care kid who has had it rough. Flowers are her only way of connecting - truly connecting - with others. Anytime a review says; "but an encounter with a mysterious stranger forces her to question what's been missing in her life." I'm all in! 

This one looks like a winner! My friend Denise highly recommends BirdSong by Sebastian Faulks. Denise and I have very similar taste when it comes to books - so I am really looking forward to this one. Again - one of those sweeping novels that takes us from the first World War up to present day! Denise says that it is "so sad and so tragic but oh so good!"  

This is QUITE an ambitious list for what - a 12 week span of time? But that's what is SO great about books - they're not going anywhere. I'm sure I won't get to all of these - but I will get to SOME. Let me know if YOU get to any of them and what you think! I love to get good reading suggestions. 

Happy Summer Reading everyone!!!!!!!

I Went to Grad School for THIS????

Hi My Peeps! How is everybody doing? Hanging in there? It's a CRAZY time of year, isn't it? Busy Momma and crew are on the run 4 nights a week - and weekends are getting pretty busy as well. This Momma is looking forward to the end of the school year, the end of baseball season and the beginning of the summer. Summer can't come fast enough for me! I love the lazy pace of the summer. No lunches to make;  no alarm clocks for the kids; NO HOMEWORK TO CHECK - just lazy days at the pool. Bring it on!Or not.....

Yes - that is not a misprint. I am a bit concerned about how my 2 little people will weather the coming summer. You see - they will be spending the majority of the summer together. Except for a few weeks of camp - I try not to over schedule them. They like having nothing to do and long days of playing ahead of them. So, I let them do exactly that all summer long. And thus far - it has worked out quite well. But tonight I walked in on a conversation that made me take a step back and wonder:

  Have I made a HUGE mistake this year? Should I have scheduled them in separate camps for the entire summer and given them a break from one another? 

I should have known when I heard the hand slamming on the table that there was going to be BIG trouble. BIG trouble. Here is the conversation I walked into:

Her: (Red faced and completely freaking out) How dare you say that. She would be amazing at WHATEVER she tried, whatever she wanted to do!
Him: (Looking at her like she has 3 heads) She wouldn't try it. No one would try it! AND she wouldn't try it EVER because she would know that she would HATE it.
Her: She would try it because she is not afraid of ANYTHING and she would rock at it. How DARE you say she'd be a bad one.
Him: She'd be a TERRIBLE, Terrible one. She'd be HORRIBLE and she would HATE IT! And we should call her right now at work and she would tell you that you are CRAZY and that I am RIGHT!!!!
Her: (Reaching for her phone) Fine, I will call her right now and we will just SEE who is right here and who is WRONG.

Me: (The voice of reason) OK, OK - put the phone down. What on earth are you guys fighting about? Who are you calling?
Her: Aunt _____ (I am keeping the name a secret to protect the innocent.)
Voice of Reason: Oh no you are not. First of all, Aunt ___ is at work. We do not call people at work during the day to settle a dispute! Second of all - what is going on????
Him: She is COMPLETELY FREAKING out over NOTHING Mom - NOTHING!
Her:  How DARE you say this is about NOTHING. How DARE you!!!! MOM - he said that Aunt ____ would make a TERRIBLE .............



Wait for it...wait for it..... What word will that sentence end with? What could cause such consternation, righteous indignation, SCREAMING, yelling and indeed - almost cause these 2 people to come to fisticuffs???

Peeps - I shit you not. This screaming match was entirely about whether Aunt ____ would make a good FROG. 

(BTW - she would be a terrible frog. My boy is 100% correct. She would hate being a frog SO much that if she was in the game Frogger she'd dive into on- coming traffic to end her days of bug-eating misery.)

So - here are my big concerns:
1. WHO fights about this stuff? Seriously - who?

2. HOW on EARTH did this conversation even begin?

3. Do I even want to KNOW how this conversation began? (and now that I DO know how it began - I can answer this question with a RESOUNDING NO!)

4. If this is what they are arguing about NOW...what on EARTH will they be arguing about in the middle of July when they are sick of looking at one another???????????

Seriously my Peeps - WTF? What is wrong with my kids? Who fights over whether or not someone would make a good frog? What am I in for this summer?

Is it too late to enroll them in sleep away camp...for the entire summer? It probably is. Besides - with my luck - they'd probably come home with a more in-depth understanding of the world of amphibians and have more ammunition to prove their respective points and pick up this argument exactly where they left off.

God help me...only 14 days of school left.....

Birthday PALOOZA!!!!!! Or Not....

Hey there my Peeps! How is everyone today? Spring has FINALLY finally sprung here on the East Coast- hope everyone is enjoying it.We are enjoying what I like to call BIRTHDAY PALOOZA over here in Busy Momma land. Jack turned 9 yesterday - holy cow! My baby is 9!!! And Bella - my beautiful, bouncing baby girl will be 12 on Friday. How on earth did THAT happen? 12?!?!?!? So this is the time of year that drives this Busy Momma into overdrive because it is birthday party season.

You see - while Busy Momma doesn't bake elaborate cakes - Busy Momma DOES like to plan ridiculously elaborate birthday parties. And by ridiculous - I mean over-the-top, insanely detailed parties. PC just LOVES this time of year. He gets roped into doing all sorts of crazy stuff that normally he would never ever have seen himself doing - like donning a FULL ON Prince Charming suit and being the Prince at one of Bella's princess-themed birthday parties. Or dressing up as Darth Varder and invading Jedi Training Camp at one of Jack's parties. (OK - that was his ultimate dream and I didn't hear one word of complaint about that one.He complained bitterly about the doublet and tights for Prince Charming.And No - there are NO photos.)

This year my party planning madness is limited to Bella. Jack wanted his party to be at Medieval Times. Which was AWESOME! Crazy expensive...but it was a GREAT time. You know it is a well-run experience when the adults, the 12-year old and the 9-year olds ALL loved it. If you've never done it I highly recommend it. And while it was super-fun - there was no planning or prep on my part. So all of my creative juices are now going to be flowing to Bella...and she's not happy about it. Where as, at one time, she appreciated my crazy, I mean spirited party planning, this year she's all "It's just 3 girls Mom." And "Like, I just want to have them sleepover and hang out. No big deal."

What I WANT to say is: "No big deal??? WHAT? It is a HUGE deal! You are turning 12!!! You are on the cusp of womanhood! You are straddling childhood and adulthood. This is a pivotal time in your life and for GOD'S SAKE you WILL REMEMBER THIS BIRTHDAY IF IT KILLS ME!"

What I actually said was: "Oh, OK. That's cool. But we sort of should plan a few small games or activities - you know. Just in case people get bored or don't like the movie or something."

And her response KILLED me:

Bella: "Like what? Mom seriously. Nothing crazy."

Like what does she think I am going to plan? A rousing game of Musical Chairs? A face painter?  A game of Around the World with multiplication flash cards? For the love of God - I've been 12. I KNOW that she doesn't want her MOTHER running games and activities like Julie the Cruise director. LAST year we had a Hunger Games sleepover and we played The Hunger Games - with weapons and people getting fake killed and it was awesome...until it started to rain and the games were suspended without a victor.But it was STILL awesome.

So - this year I have a co-party planner. I have to run EVERYTHING past the birthday girl. No surprises, nothing that might be "not cool". Whatever that might be...

But, I guess that is how it should be. She's getting older. Pulling away a bit. Exerting her new-found independence and freedom - a bit. She has definite opinions about what she wants and doesn't want.

Yes to after dark glow-in-the-dark candy hunt, spin the nail polish bottle, and chocolate fondue.

No to Pin the Kiss on Edward Cullen, make your own pillow-cases and friendship bracelet making.

Maybe to S'mores making, Beach-Ball questions game and some other activities.

So - now I'm off to Michael's and Jo Anne's and the dollar store to gather my supplies for the pre-approved list of games and activities. I feel like I'm planning a party with Hitler. I cannot imagine the agonizing that picking out a movie or two will entail. Anything " cool" I have already vetoed. Sorry - but I'm not showing a room full of 6th graders vampires having bed-breaking sex. Also not showing a movie that looked so awful that the PREVIEW  scared the crap out of me! Guess we'll have to be uncool with the movie.

I have a feeling that the upcoming teen years are going to be filled with quite a bit of give and take. I'll GIVE on the unimportant stuff - party games, favors - no problem. I will NOT give on the important stuff - like vampire sex, dating, and cut-off short-shorts.

So - I guess my days of planning elaborate birthday parties are coming to an end. It makes me sad...I'll have to find another outlet for my creativity. I wonder if it is too early to sign up for the Senior Prom Planning Committee?

This is FORTY!

Hey Peeps! Happy Easter!! I hope the bunny was good to everyone. He brought my kids their body weight in chocolate as he does every year. So - I must apologize. I have been tres negligent of my beloved blog and I know that for my tens of die-hard fans, that can be a bummer. But never fear - we've got a new post today. And the topic of today's post is...getting older and how much freaking fun that has been!

Many of you know that I turned 40 this past January.....81 days ago to be exact. And in the past 81 days - well, how does one put this? I've begun to fall apart! Not mentally or emotionally. Nope - I still have all of my marbles, the crayons are all sharp and still in the box - but physically? Well, that's another story.

 My journey to 40 started out really, really well. I spent the last week of my 30's in Sin City. That's right - VEGAS baby! If I was going to watch my 30's fizzle out - I was going to do it in style. So PC and I checked into The Wynn...highly recommend it btw... and began a weekend of debauchery!

It started like this:

with some upscale shopping...

sightseeing......

and fine dining....

But somehow, it ended like this:

 

"Hell No! I won't go bitches!!!!"

I guess that's what Vegas can do to a girl.It can take one classy lady and turn her into a hard partying, Cirque du Soleil watching  Momma who REFUSES to get out of her cushy, fluffy white bed that has a view like THIS:

(Really - who wants to leave THAT to go home and do mountains of laundry?)

Did I mention that everything in the room - the lights, tv, DRAPES, the BATHROOM lights - were all controlled by a big remote control panel next to the bed? Oh yes....even the drapes my Peeps. 

Needless to say - a good time was had by all...especially me. 

Forty wasn't looking - or feeling - so bad. Well - let's address the "looking" part before the feeling part...

So after we got home, I had one of those moments that can only be described by the term "watershed". Have you ever looked in the mirror - I mean really stopped and looked in the mirror and said:

 "Holy Mother of GOD! I look AMAZING!" 

Cool - me neither. No, I had a moment when I returned home where I looked in the mirror and said:

"Hmmmm - when did THAT happen?"

and 

"What in the name of God is THAT?"

Now it's not like I developed a third eye or a second head...but I started noticing some lines and other "things" that I SWEAR were NOT on my face or neck when I left Maryland for my "Forty is Fabulous" trip. Like seriously - they just appeared after the trip like an unwelcome birthday surprise from a creepy ex boyfriend....like herpes or something. While I'd like to believe that this little patch of VERY FINE lines around my eyes and on my neck are an after effect of the dry, dry desert air...me thinks they are not. So - in the past 81 days, I've gone from using skin-care products that say this:

To using skin care products that say this:

Yes, my Peeps, it's true. I now have to ask God for an ACTUAL miracle as I wash my face every morning and night. And, as I dry my wrinkly mug, I also have to ask the Lord to....

avoid creating any MORE fine lines as I sleep. (Laugh if you will - but ALL of these products - plus the entire "When Hope is not Enough" product line are sitting on my bathroom counter as I type.)

Then there is my friend Peri to contend with. You guys remember Peri - my crazy, psychotic new BFF who won't freaking leave me alone? Peri-menopause? She is super, duper fun. And since I turned 40 - she's been ON FIRE! She does CRAZY shit like makes me have these awesome hot flashes 8-19 times A DAY (No joke - worst day ever - 19 full on, dripping sweat down my back into my panties flashes.)  She's been getting funner and funner ever since we got home from Vegas. And by "funner" I mean a lot bitchier. I hate that slutbag. So - I gathered my courage together and finally called the doctor and sweetly cooed:

"Listen up you big lug! DO SOMETHING TO FIX THIS!!!!!!!!!"

And...thankfully - he did. HE is now my new boyfriend - replacing Ray Lewis, Jon Bon Jovi and Steven Tyler...all by suggesting that I add a little Estroven to my life. 

What is that you ask? What is Estroven? Well - simply put - Estroven is Peri's Kryptonite!!!!

It is an all-natural supplement designed to help gals like me who are battling the early onset of peri-menopausal symptoms. It has taken care of my hot flashes and night sweats and made me a MUCH happier person - which - let's face it - is a win-win for everyone around me. I LOVE this stuff. I still get a hot flash or 3 every day - but they aren't nearly as intense or as frequent. And trust me - that is a VERY good thing! 

So - we've tackled my new lines and wrinkles, my peri-menopause...now onto my newest and most annoying physical ailment...Achilles Tendinitis!!!! Yes - my Achilles tendon thinks it is way too cool to stay attached to the rest of my body and is trying to tear itself away from the inside out.Thankfully it is NOT torn or ruptured. But it is trying its darned hardest to tear. And for those of you who have been blessed to never have an Achilles injury - thank your lucky stars. Because it hurts - a lot. And when it hurts to WALK anywhere - you are screwed. I don't mean hurts as in sore or achy or even "ouch!". I mean hurts as in I-want-to-cry-every-time-I-take-a-step-and-I-don't-want-to-walk-anywhere. Which would be perfectly acceptable if I could remain in bed all day. But, my boss won't let me conduct sales presentations from bed and Jack can't reach the gas pedal in the van and Bella insists on being picked-up from her TaeKwon Do instead of walking home in the dark...so I'm kind of forced into walking. So - after 2 months of physical therapy that did nothing, my doctor put me in a walking cast and has me completely resting the foot as much as humanly possible. Which is really annoying. Don't get me wrong - I don't mind not having to do all of the house cleaning. But not being able to do fun stuff - like go rock climbing with the kids- really sucks. 

That's Jack....waaaaaaaaaay up there...

All of these changes in the last 81 days....since I turned 40. Coincidence? I think not. I think my body knows that it has come to the top of the hill and that it's about to go OVER it. But I WILL NOT go over without a fight! I am working to get this stupid tendon all healed up and will follow doctor's orders if it kills me. Ice, anti-inflammatory, physical therapy - I'm all in. I cannot face a future that involves orthodic shoes. I just cannot. I caved in and ordered a pair of orthodic slippers and a pair of orthodic sandals. I own ONE pair of shoes that the doctor feels are "safe" to wear with my aircast. ONE PAIR. All of the rest of my shoes sit sadly in their labeled boxes in my closet. They sit and taunt me. They seem to say: "Remember when you were young and could wear us?"   

I have to stop there...talking about my shoes is making me sad.....

Habemus Papam!

Holy Smokes - we've been Poped! That's right my Peeps - the smoke was FINALLY white tonight and we've got a new Holy Father:  Pope Francis I. Now, I know what you're thinking - Busy Momma - you are taking this news VERY well considering the campaign you ran so beautifully to become Pope. Thank you - I appreciate it. I did run a lovely campaign - and we came up with some TERRIFIC ideas...if I don't say so myself. Chocolate flavored hosts, individual mini bottles of wine at communion, pedicure chairs in the cry room, "Pizza on the Pope" on Fridays during lent...glitter smoke..fascinators to replace Mitres...ahhh - we had some good times over the past 40 or so days.

Let's not lose hope my friends - change will come to the church, I have no doubt. WHEN that change might come remains a mystery. I guess we'll have to give this guy a chance to get his footing and see what he can do. He is kind of old and from what I've been reading, pretty conservative. (Well - what did we expect? A liberal red head with big boobs? The boys in Rome aren't quite ready for me yet.) I wasn't really surprised when my pals began calling me this afternoon to report that, indeed, there was NO glitter to be found in St. Peter's Square.

So - what's a rejected Pontiff to do? Well, I had a couple of options. I could have finished off the big bottle of Pinot Grigio in the fridge. And that was tempting. But there was the possibility of having to help with 6th grade math homework looming on the horizon - so I thought better of that option. Instead, I decided to do EXACTLY what I would have done had I been elected and had the world watched in awe as pink and gold glitter emerged from the chimney of the Sistine Chapel. Here's what I did:

Had I been elected - the Dean of Cardinals would have asked me if I accepted and I would have said: "Accepto"

So, I said that - to the dog - and let me tell you - he was VERY impressed with my ability to speak such fluent Latin. (Thank you Mr. Kahlemberg.)

Then, the newly elected Pontiff selected his name - so I decided that I would have been "Pope Mary Magdeline I"...cause I have a feeling she was one kick-ass, take-no-prisoners type of gal. And I like that.I think we need that in a Pope.

Then - and this is the weird part - the new Pope goes into the "Room of Tears". Which is a tres disturbing image if you ask me. If I HAD gotten elected I would have been partying like it was 1999. There's no crying in baseball! But - whatevs...who am I to mess with tradition? Apparently, the Pope goes into the "Room of Tears" and picks out the right size of Papal Vestments...Small, Medium, or Large.So, I went into my own personal Room of Tears - the bathroom -named The Room of Tears because that is where the scale lives - and I tried on 3 pairs of pants:

1 pre-Katie pregnancy pair: Size: 8 petite

1 pre-Will pregnancy pair: Size: 10 regular

1 Peri-menopausal pair: Size: I really need to do something about this...

And hence - the room became A Room of Tears.

Then, the new Pope goes to pray all by himself in the Pauline Chapel.

Well - As I was still crying in the Room of Tears - and as I was putting on my super-duper strong SPANXX to try to get the Size 10 pants to fit over my peri-menopausal derriere, I just stayed there. And I prayed. My prayer went something like this:

Dear Lord
God of all that is good and great
Father of us All
Please bless and guide our new Pope
Pretty cool that he's a Jesuit - thanks for that
I mean if it couldn't be me yet - a Jesuit was a nice way to go.
Kudos Holy Spirit.
Kinda disappointed that he didn't go with the name Ignatious or Loyola - but Francis is pretty cool
you know - on account of the animals. 
Anywho... as you and the HS are guiding this guy - a few ideas:
Maybe you can kind of open his eyes to the fact that women can make a substantial and meaningful contribution to the church 
So maybe the time is right for female priests
I mean women do kind of run the world - the REAL world
So I'm sure we could run a parish
I mean look at Oprah and Hillary
That's all I'm saying - you know what we can do
Enlighten the boys - ok?
Oh - and can you also do something for my gay brothers and sisters?
I mean really - can you imagine Jesus turning them away from his church because of who they LOVED?
I know - right? 
So let's get this situation fixed  -pronto
There's a lot more to pray for - but there's a lot of people praying right now - so I don't want to hog up all of your time.
A few more action items however - real quick:

1. Can you please stop the management of the Ravens from releasing the entire darn team? I mean for your sake! It's getting ridiculous here in BMore. It's almost like someone made a deal with your nemesis to get us the Lombardi trophy. If things keep going the way they are going - it's going to be Joe Flacco and random people from the streets playing football next fall. And that will really stink. I mean you already let Ray Ray retire...isn't that enough? You had to take Bouldin away the same year? What's the plan?

2. Umm - can you please help me in my current situation? It seems that these Spanxx that I acquired BEFORE my last pregnancy have really shrunk and funny thing - I am kind of stuck in them. Like they are halfway up and halfway down and my legs are bound together down here. Which is kind of funny except that I really have to pee now AND I have to get to the bus stop in 5 minutes. I'm seriously stuck here and I will be horrified if my kid walks home from the bus stop and walks in on me, stuck in my Spanxx, sitting in a puddle of my own pee. So if you could just help me rip this seam here... or just rip these suckers apart with thine almighty hand that would be kind of great.... 

Thy will be done - Amen

PS - any minute now would be kind of great

Oh - and can you please strengthen my bladder a bit...especially if you're not going to help me out of this Spanxx bind...

Losing My Religion

…That's me in the corner

That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough

Losing My Religion by: REM

I’ve been thinking of this song – a lot lately. I’m experiencing what some might call a crisis of religion. NOT to be confused with a crisis of FAITH. My faith in God is rock solid. In fact, I find that as I am getting older, I am becoming MUCH more spiritual, but much LESS religious.

I was born and raised Catholic; I baptized my kids Catholic and even sent them to Catholic school so that they could get a solid grounding in their religion. But I have a confession to make – I don’t think I’m really Catholic anymore. I truly believe that if I went in front of some sort of Roman Catholic Tribal Council and was asked to outline and explain my true beliefs – I’m pretty sure I’d be voted off of the island. For good – and I’m ok with that. In fact – I am more than ok with that. I’m not so sure that I want to be a member of that particular tribe anymore.

Then end of this particular romance started for me when it started for many of my generation – when the abuse scandals began to make headlines. This will sound awful – but the actual abuse wasn’t what did it for me – it was the cover-ups by the so called leaders of the church – the pastors, the bishops and higher – that really did me in. I’m not going to wax poetic on this topic – much has been said and I have nothing unique to add. But I can point to these scandals as the beginning of the end for me.

Then there are all of the ridiculous rules and rituals that are sometimes hard to explain to my children – like why can’t we eat meat on Fridays in Lent? How is that a sacrifice for someone who is a vegetarian? Um – good point guys. What am I supposed to say? Well kids– the real reason is that when this particular rule was put into place, the pope’s sister was married to a fishmonger. This particular fishmonger wasn’t the most successful guy in the strip mall – so she came up with this great idea, sent a text to her bro who was sitting on the Papal throne in Rome and said – “Hey bro – I’ve got a great idea – make everyone give up meat on Fridays during Lent!” And KA-POW! A new ritual was born, supposedly from God’s lips to the Pope’s ears and let’s just say that a certain fishmonger’s wife got a whole new wardrobe. True story – look it up. I won’t even get into the voo-doo like rituals so many of us grew up with like burying religious statues in your front yard if you want your house to sell, or praying to this saint or that saint depending on what you need. OK – so if you lose your keys – pray to St. Anthony. If you want to lose 25 pounds by Friday? St. Jude is your guy. Want to get pregnant and can’t? Well, St, Anne might help – but your go-to gal? St. Rita. Sore throat? St. Blaise. (Yes Peeps – this fount of useless knowledge is what 16 years of Catholic School bought my dad.)

But my real issue – the issue that I just cannot get past is this: I don’t think that today’s church has ANYTHING to do with Jesus. Like – nada – nothing. I truly believe that if JC came down tomorrow to live among us that he’d be pretty disgusted by what has become of his church. I do not think that he’d be putting:”join local parish and sign up to get my weekly envelopes” on his “To Do” list. Today’s church is SO archaic, SO far removed from her people and the reality in which we live, it is amazing that ANYONE continues to attend mass. I attribute this to our Pope and his cronies. They have worked diligently to take the church almost back to pre-Vatican II days. Have you gone to mass lately? As if we all weren’t guilty enough just because of the Catholic guilt that has been beaten into our conscious and subconscious minds for years – now the language of the mass makes one aware that we are ALWAYS guilty of something. Try saying “my fault, my fault, my grievous fault” while beating your breast – and feeling good about yourself. I dare you. And I don’t want this for my children.

So – what to do? Well, today the news from Rome is that the Pope is resigning. First guy to do it in 600 years – the balls on this guy! And while I’d like to think that this will bring great sweeping change to the Catholic Church, the reality of the process is that it won’t. This Pope has put people in place who are just as backwards and conservative as he is. We have no hope of seeing a real Jesus centered church evolving from the coming change in leadership. The cardinals will elect a new Pope who is just as conservative as Benedict – if not more so.

So – I have no choice. I’m throwing my hat into the ring. I’d like to be considered for the job. I feel that my qualifications are unquestionable. I was born and raised RC, I have actually lived a real life in the real world and experienced real issues and problems. I am also married and a mother of 3. I have lost a child, a father-in-law and 2 beloved grandparents – so I understand what it is to lose people and grieve. That gives me much more real-life experience than any of the other candidates who have never been married, gone through childbirth, parenting and the grief of losing a child. Not for nothing – but if you’re going to stand up in front of people and tell them how to live their lives – you should probably actually LIVE A REAL LIFE.

If elected, I would change quite a few things. First and foremost – I’d have a serious “Come to Jesus” with all of the priests, nuns, deacons, bishops, cardinals and other muckety mucks. If you want to live like Jesus – then let’s live like Jesus. If vows of poverty are good for nuns – then they should be good for the boys too. Unless they are married – which would be encouraged and eventually required. Oh – and there would be no more nuns. Sorry ladies – but you gals need to be up on the altar. Married priests – male or female – immediately cool with me. No more hand-maidens to the boys.

Then, of course, there would be the issue of apologizing to the gays, the women, the children and anyone else the church has marginalized, persecuted and discriminated against throughout the centuries. Everyone would be welcomed. We would treat to the Old Testament as a lovely historical artifact and a valuable tool to help us understand how people used to think and behave. But NOT as the word of God . (Bacon would still be allowed Peeps.) NOT as a rule book or as a tool to discourage those who are “different” from ourselves from entering into a relationship with God and the greater community.

My church would be “Pro-family”. Meaning – if we are going to value the lives of the unborn – then we will support their mothers once they bring them into this world. We would trade in some of our fancy, pointy hats, designer dresses and solid gold walking sticks for diapers, formula, safe housing and high quality daycare for poor mothers who bring babies into this world. We will value those babies once born as loudly as we clamor for them while they are in-utero. Oh – and what you decide to do in your bedroom would be YOUR business. As long as your habits are healthy – more power to you. My church would encourage the teaching of our sexuality as a gift from God, something precious that deserves to be guarded and shared ONLY with someone you love and someone who loves you. Something WONDERFUL and GLORIOUS and CLEAN and HEALTHY. As long as what you’re doing isn’t hurting you or anyone else then – hey – if the boat is a rockin – my church won’t come a knockin!

Now I realize that my campaign will be a hard fight. The establishment doesn’t want ANY of my ideas to be put in place. I imagine that the Tribal Council would label me a heretic and burn me at the stake. That’s cool. I’m OK with being this generation’s Joan of Arc. As long as it would bring change and awareness and a real church – a church that JC himself would look at and say: “Yeah Peeps! You got it right!”

A girl can dream…