OK - so have any of you met my friend Peri? To the 3 guys who are loyal fans and read my blog religiously- I thank you, I love you - but you need to stop reading - like NOW. Tootle-loo and come back and read the next post. The post that follows is of absolutely no use to you and will most likely frighten you. So seriously - stop reading.
Tampon.
Sanitary Napkin
Cervical Mucous....
OK - good. They're gone. This post is for ladies only. It's really a warning. A Public Service Announcement from your friends at Busy Momma. So, my friend Peri is actually no friend of mine. She's a real bitch. Her last name is Menopause. A-HA! You say. Some of us know her all too well. Peri came to visit me about a year and a half ago and that stupid bitch won't leave. Not only won't she leave, but she appears to be moving in - permanently. I HATE her. At first, she was only a bit bitchy - kind of like a wanna-be mean girl. Not outright vicious, but she sort of would sneak up on you and try herself out for size while no one was looking. First, she forced me to buy bigger pants. She crept into my closet and made all of my beautiful Ann Taylor suits and blouses too small. Bitch. Then, she made all of my efforts to fit back into those suits backfire! It seemed like the harder I tried, the harder she worked to keep me out of my closet. That's when I realized that this bitch has staying power.
Then, to make matters worse - she started waking me up at night. Every night. I think she must be tap dancing on my bladder or hooking me up to an iv while I sleep because I can't make it through the night without having to get up to pee. Which wouldn't be so bad if she let me go back to sleep when I was done. But nope - she also keeps me awake. It's like she has a remote control and she has programmed it to control my thoughts. One night she pushes the "Let's have Busy Momma lay awake thinking about work tomorrow" button. The next night she might push the " Let's have Busy Momma lay awake and worry about all sorts of terrible things that might happen - but probably won't" button. When she is feeling super-bitchy, she pushes the "Let's have that annoying song by One Direction play over and over again in Busy Momma's head". WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS LADY???? She is a sadist!
But now, now she has gone too far. She has initiated a sequence of events that, in my mind, is an all out declaration of war. She is messing with my internal, basal body temperature. She is causing HOT FLASHES! Son of a bitch - she's gone too far this time. I am NOT accepting this new symptom. No sir, I am not. It all started about 6 months ago at night - which was really bad enough. I would wake up DRENCHED in sweat. And I mean DRENCHED. Now understand that my AC is always set on 69 degrees - and yes, my BGE bills are enormous. We are already a warm-blooded people over here in Busy Momma land. PC is covered in fur and is always hot. So we always have the AC set AND the ceiling fan going on high every night. We like it when it is cold enough to hang meat in our bedroom. But try as we may to make it like an Artic campout in our bedroom - I will wake up drenched in sweat, having to pee with Radio Disney songs playing on a never-ending loop in my head.
But now, Peri has just done me in. The hot flashes are now occurring DURING THE DAY. In front of people. And you all know that I make my living by dressing up and going out and standing IN FRONT OF PEOPLE and teaching them. GROWN people. People who notice when your hair is SOAKING WET and drips of sweat are dripping off your nose into your cleavage. Not kidding. There is NO hiding it either. I carry tissues with me - but when I try to mop myself up with tissues - well, it's just not pretty. Those brown paper handtowels that they have in public restrooms don't absorb ANYTHING. All they do is wipe off your makeup, yet leave all of the sweat on your face. So now, I carry a cold, wet washcloth with me in an insulated lunchbox wherever I go. But, it's kind of super-obvious when you are about to stand up and talk to people and you have to open your lunchbox and mop yourself down first. And kind of super gross.
Well all of that stops today my Peeps. Oh, yes, that is right. Busy Momma found a product that just might stop Peri in her tracks and it is called....are you ready? It's good. It is called................
The Cleavage Cooler!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who would have thought this up? A Boobie-Cooler! A FREAKING GENIUS - that's who!!!
PC wouldn't let me post a picture of the above pictured Boobie-Cooler in use. I tried to explain that this was a public-service kind of post, but he just shook his head and said something like "Think of your children for Christ's sake. This post is bad enough. You are talking about icing down your breasts. To the general public. Your readers will get the idea." So sorry Peeps - no action shots.But I am telling you - you MUST get one of these RIGHT away! I bought mine at the Bel Air Festival for the Arts - which is ending right about now. But never fear - this awesome lady has a website where she sells boobie coolers and much, much more. She also sells handmade theraputic heating and cooling pads. We have several and they are great.
OK - so here is her website address: www.Relaxpak.com
The name of the genius who makes these boobie coolers is Ilka Werner. (Oh, and she doesn't call them "boobie-coolers", that's my special name for what she calls Cleavage Coolies) And here is the BEST part: Ilka gave me ONE TO GIVE AWAY TO A READER!!!!!!!!!
OK and the ONLY thing Busy Momma has ever given away...but that is all about to change! We will be having more giveaways...once I hook up with other vendors who want to give stuff away.....
So - get cracking - leave a comment and tell me why YOU need a boobie cooler of your very own.....
