Please Use Your Eyes...I Grew Them Just for You....

Have you ever lovingly gazed into the eyes of your child and wondered "do these things really WORK?" I have - actually I've been pondering that question a lot lately. You see, it seems that there is a little gremlin living among us here in the Ruffhouse and he likes to steal things.  Now, while none of us have ever seen this little goblin, we know that he must exist. How else can we explain how our things seem to disappear into thin air. I'm not talking about money, or food or even candy. Nope. This little guy seems to like stealing things like cell phone chargers and iPhones, iPods, shoes, sneakers, socks, Math books, American History books, calculators, pencils, pens and EVEN underwear! What chaos he creates with his mischievous ways. One cannot IMAGINE the yelling that occurs as we are trying to get out the door in the morning and someone can't find his sneakers. Or the battle that ensues when  a cell phone charger goes missing. And when a book that we need for homework goes missing - well - that is just a sight. I imagine this little hobgoblin in some dusty cranny of my house, hidden away, well out of sight, smiling as he falls asleep listening to the soundtrack of his chaos.

It couldn't possibly BE that despite all of my BEST efforts to organize the people I live with they just don't GET IT? Despite the fact that there is a place for everyone's textbooks, homework books, incomplete projects, DIRT books, sneakers, cleats, shin guards, ice skates, iPod charging stations, color-coded chargers, these things disappear faster than candy on Halloween! And, please dear reader, understand that when I say "disappear", I mean that these things are NOT in their place. They ARE however in the house. And it seems that the ONLY person in this house who can find said items is......you betcha - ME!!!! Now, not to toot my own horn, but I am pretty good with finding things - or rather - figuring out where things are hiding. For example - a question like:" MOM!!! WHERE IS MY FLATIRON???????" screeched at 7:05 am should receive an answer that sounds like this: "In the special caddy that is on the inside of your bathroom cabinet drawer - the one that was specially designed to hold a FLATIRON!!!" But instead, mom leaps into action. (And by "leaps" I mean takes another sip of coffee and walks to the bottom of the stairs.) My mom brain is racing and this is the internal dialogue I will have with myself: "OK, where is the flatiron? Well, it probably was in the bathroom yesterday because she had pretty flat hair yesterday. So, she ironed it in the bathroom, maybe carried it into her room? No, she'd have to go to all the trouble of unplugging it. So that's a negative. OK back to the bathroom we go. It must not be on the counter because she'd see it if it was there - so somehow, it has disappeared from the bathroom counter. OK - wait a minute, Jack uses the bathroom at 7:30 am and yesterday I heard him blow-drying his hair - so he must have taken the flatiron and done something with it - but what?"
Me: "Did you check the tub?"
Bella: "Why would it be in the tub?"- I can actually hear her eyes rolling in her head.
Me: "Why isn't it where it belongs??? LOOK IN THE TUB!"
Bella: "Told ya - not in the tub either"
Me: (doing yoga deep breathing to keep blood pressure low) "Look in your brother's room"
Bella: "WHY? Is he flat-ironing his hair these days? Can you just come up here and find it for me?"

Mary Mother of God help me.
Halfway up -
Bella: "Never mind."
Me: "Did you find it?"
Bella: "No. I just don't want to flat iron my hair today anyway."

Where was the flat iron, you ask? Hanging in Jack's closet being used as a hanger-like device for a pair of pants. Right next to.... 4 empty hangers....don't ask....

The point is - I found it. ME, MYSELF and I found it. And this seems to have become my new job of late - Chief Thing Finder.  And to top it all off - my children s' eyesight  seems to be deteriorating - although the eye doctor disagrees.  They can't SEE things that are RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM!!! Don't believe me? Consider the following scene: Me, sitting on a PACKED airplane, delayed on the runway. I am sitting in the middle row, and my phone rings.

Jack: "Hey Mom?"
Me: "Hi Baby - what's up?"
Jack: "Um - do you know where the ketchup is?"
Me: "In the fridge"
Jack: "Where in the fridge? I am looking in the fridge and I don't see it."
Me: "OK - you know that I am on an airplane right now and can't actually SEE INTO the fridge, right?"
Jack: "Yeah, I just thought maybe you had the fridge memorized."

Or - consider this lovely scene:
Busy Momma: in the car, driving home in the pouring rain. The phone rings...

Jack: "Hey Mom"
Me: "Hey babe, what's up?"
Jack: "Where is my math book?"
Me: "What? your math book? How am I supposed to know where YOUR math book is?"
Jack: "Isn't that part of your MOM job? Knowing where things are?"
Me: "When I am 2 states away driving the car? Where did you look?"
Jack: "On the table. I SWEAR I left it there. Somebody moved it!!! Think Mom - think - where did you put it? Shouldn't it be in my wall pocket where it belongs?"

I can't take it....I really can't take it.

When the Armor is Tarnished

Once upon a time, in a kingdom not so far away, there was a strong and brave Knight. He was known throughout the land as a GREAT Knight, perhaps one of the GREATEST Knights the villagers had ever seen before. He was known throughout the kingdom as a kind, compassionate and good man.  He stood up for the oppressed, the left-out and the bullied. He was so dedicated to being an advocate and friend to these people, he used some of his vast fortune to create a wonderful organization to help them. He didn't shut himself up in his beautiful castle as many wealthy and  great men do. This man was different. This man walked among the villagers. He lent a helping hand to whoever might  need his help. He spent time with the sick children of the village bringing them laughter and happiness. He had a great sense of humor and everyone who knew him personally loved him. "Who was this man?", you might ask. "I must know about him as he appears to be so brave and good and compassionate" you might be thinking. Well, Dear Readers, many of you do know of him. And if you don't yet know of this man - you soon will. Because you see, this village hero made a terrible, terrible decision. And that decision has changed how the villagers see him.  And it caused them to banish him from their kingdom. When once he was a revered member of the community, he is now an embarrassment to the kingdom. When once he was looked upon as a kind, gentle and compassionate man, he is now looked at as a brute, a thug,  a monster. How could this happen? What could have so tarnished his shining armor?

How did he go from this:

To THIS:

As  a fan, I am disappointed. As a woman, I am outraged. As the mother of a teenage daughter, I am frightened. Did he fool us all? Has he been the man in the elevator all this time? If you've seen the latest video posted by TMZ, you have probably come to the realization that I had this morning - this man has most likely done this to someone before. That wasn't a punch thrown by an inexperienced, totally wasted man. Those punches were square in the jaw. He didn't stumble, he didn't miss - bulls eye each time. Then when she falls and hits her head on the elevator railing on the way down - he doesn't even flinch. His demeanor is that of a guy just riding the elevator. Not the demeanor of a guy who just made a terrible choice or "mistake" and has any sense of remorse or concern over his unconscious fiancee.  When the doors open, he drags her out like a bag of potatoes. And drops her on the dirty floor. 

I was with a friend of Ray's this morning. Someone who I hold in very high esteem and is with Ray enough to really know him well. When I asked him if he saw the latest video, he said: "No. I can't watch it." He went on to tell me that he genuinely likes Ray. That he is not the man in the elevator. That he has known him as the knight in shining armor I described in my fairy tale above. He told me that this was so out of character for Ray it is mindblowing. He stands by him and sees this as a terrible mistake on Ray's part. He said something very thought-provoking. He said: "Everybody makes mistakes. But not everybody has them splashed across national TV, social media and newspapers and magazines. Imagine if our mistakes were publicized like Ray's? There is something in ALL of our pasts that we would never want others to know about - much less see. This was the first time that this happened. It is tragic and what he did was so wrong there isn't a word to describe it. But it was a mistake." 

Hmmm - interesting. I did point out that this was the first offense we've seen...we have no way of knowing if and when this has happened before. That made this man pause. And the look on his face was a look of such profound sadness, I was sorry that I said it.

I could go on and on and on about how foolish it was for this beautiful young woman to respond to this incident by marrying him. Intellectually I understand why she did it - once married she can invoke spousal privilege when called to testify against him. As a woman and a mother  I just want to go back in time and shake her shoulders and say "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING????? YOU ARE A MOTHER OF A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GIRL! WHAT ARE YOU TELLING HER ABOUT HER VALUE? WHAT ARE YOU TELLING HER ABOUT HOW SHE SHOULD EXPECT TO BE TREATED BY THE MEN IN HER LIFE????" It makes my head hurt.

My dad just rang me to tell me that the Ravens terminated Ray Rice's contract a few moments ago. Too little, too late I say. Dad said something very interesting. He wondered if Rice would be picked up by another team. I was flabbergasted. I compared this to the Michael Vick incident a few years back. He is radioactive! Who would possibly pick him up? Dad said: "He's a great player and this game is all about money. When the smoke clears and another scandal distracts us - if he's not banned from the NFL, he'll get picked up. Maybe it will take a while - because an actual human being was involved here - but he'll get picked up."

Sigh...he's probably right. I don't know what to make of this. Reports indicate that the Ravens Management had already SEEN the latest footage when this whole incident became public. That would indicate that Management thought the 2 game suspension was A-OK, If that is true, I am even MORE disappointed in THEM. And let's not even talk about the NFL's response. 

The tragedy of this situation is NOT that we lost an incredible running back. It is NOT that Ray let us all down. ( And if you're not a Raven's fan and don't live in B'More hon - you can't understand how accurate my statement " letting us "ALL" down" is. We are a football town. We are true blue fans. Or shall I say true purple fans. We love our players. The energy in this city is incredible on game days and game weekends. EVERYONE wears purple on Fridays. EVERYONE wears their Ravens gear on Sundays or game days.  So yes, he let us ALL down.) But that doesn't even compare to whom else he let down.

This, my friends is the REAL tragedy here. A family is going through hell. When that beautiful little girl Googles her dad's name, she will undoubtedly be confronted with this nasty business. He's going to have a great deal of explaining to do. I pray, for her sake, that my friend is right - that this incident is so out of character for him it is mind-blowing.  I pray that his actions from this day forward will prove who he really is to the people who matter in his life. I pray that this family can heal and come out on the other side of this mess stronger than they were before. They are walking through the fire now. I hope the fire doesn't melt them. I pray that instead, the fire will forge a strength that can never be lost.

    

Summer Reading 2014

Happy SUMMER Peeps! FINALLY - after all of that snow, the Polar Vortex, the other Polar Vortex, ice storms, and way too many snow days...it's time to put away the parkas and pull out the bathing suits. Busy Momma and crew are getting ready to pack it all up and hit the road for summer vacation. And, for us, summer vacation means catching up on some GREAT reading. (OK - for 3 out of the 4 of us it means catching up on our reading. For Jack it means a break from his mandatory daily hour of summer reading!)

This summer, all of the major publishing houses have some HUGE new releases. I already have 2 books by 2 of my favorite authors pre-ordered, waiting to be delivered to my Kindle! So - without further ado - here she is - the 2014 edition of : So- What are YOU Reading this Summer? 

Jennifer Weiner is a fantastic author. Very few writers can combat big, heavy topics - in this case a 40-something suburban mother's descent into prescription drug abuse- with the gravity it deserves but with enough comedic touches to make it palatable. All Fall Down is one of my summer pre-orders. It is sitting on my Kindle just waiting for me! If you haven't read any of Weiner's other books - get thee to the library!!! Good in Bed was my first introduction to this FABULOUS writer - it hooked me and I have read everything she has written and I haven't ever been disappointed!

Astonish Me by Maggie Shipstead received quite a bit of buzz this spring. Maggie Shipstead wrote one of my picks for LAST summer - Seating Arrangements. I absolutely LOVED Seating Arrangements and think it is a perfect summer read. So I am REALLY looking forward to her latest release - Astonish Me. It is about a young American ballet dancer who helps a famous Russian ballet dancer defect while he is appearing in the US. Romance inevitably follows and the book tells the story of the consequences of this young dancer's actions. Shipstead is a terrific, young writer. I'm looking forward to cracking this one open.

It's ALMOST here!!! The third book in my beloved Discovery of Witches trilogy. It is being delivered to my Kindle on July 15th. I haven't been this excited for a book release since the last Harry Potter book. And if you know me - that's saying something!!! The trilogy centers around Diana Bishop - a witch and Matthew Clairmont - a vampire and their family as they battle forces bound and determined to destroy them. Now, before you go all Twilight-y on me, hear me out. This is NOT your daughter's vampire series. Harkness is a well-known and respected historian.She can also spin a fantastic, smart story. If you enjoy historical fiction with a bit of fantasy mixed in - then you will LOVE this trilogy. 

Speaking of my beloved Harry Potter - JK Rowling has done it again! You might remember the story that broke last summer about Rowling beginning another series under the pseudonym Robert Galbraith. Brilliant strategy actually. Releasing another book, after The Casual Vacancy, under her own name would have been very risky. The lack-luster reviews of her first post-Potter effort caused many critics to question whether ANYTHING she released after the perfection that was Potter, would be judged fairly by critics and audiences alike. So, as any good story teller would do - she created a character - Robert Galbraith- and had HIM write last summer's The Cuckoo's Calling. In this GREAT mystery, she introduces a gritty, down and out private detective, Cormoran Strike. Along with his loyal "gal-Friday", Strike sets out to investigate the mysterious death of one of the world's up and coming super models. This summer Rowling, I mean Galbraith, brings Cormoran Strike back into our lives in The Silkworm. This time, Strike is investigating the disappearance of a famous novelist. It promises to be just as great as The Cuckoo's Calling! If you are looking for a page-turning, fast moving, gripping mystery for the beach - pick up either title. You won't be disappointed!

Elin Hilderbrand is another favorite of mine. This is her new release: The Matchmaker. It is a sad one - so be warned! It is about a woman dying of cancer who is trying to find the perfect "match" for the husband and family she will leave behind. This one certainly won't be the "feel good" read of the summer - but she is such an amazing author, it is sure to be amazing. In a cruel twist of fate - Elin herself was just diagnosed with breast cancer. She had a double mastectomy last week and is recuperating at home. She lives with her husband and children in Nantucket. Do me a favor and send her some good, healing vibes. Or better yet - like her FB page and send her some real good wishes. She reads them...and needs them. 

If you are looking for a great, big, juicy summer read - look no further. The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt was the talk of the fall. It's a long one - 800 pages, but it is 800 pages that cannot be turned fast enough to satisfy the reader! The story spans about 20/25 years and brings the reader to the heart of New York City, the sleezy side of  Las Vegas and even brings us to Europe for the climax of this AMAZING, EPIC story. We meet the main character when he is in middle school, on the morning of his disciplinary hearing at his very chic, very expensive private school in Manhattan. When he and his mother decide to stop in at the MET on their way to the hearing, the trajectory of his life, and the story, is forever altered. Somehow, his mother's favorite painting - a priceless Dutch Master called "The Goldfinch" - ends up in his backpack! The story follows the painting and the boy over the course of his adolescence and into adulthood. If you only read one book this summer - make it The Goldfinch!

I'm not making any political statement here. I don't have any feeling for Arianna Huffington. I'm not interested in her politics, but what I AM interested in is the story that led to this book. Arianna is in her 60's and is a media mogul. ANd by definition, a mogul is a very busy person. Add motherhood to the mix - and you've got a crazy busy person on your hands. She knew she was doing too much, multi-tasking to an insane degree and juggling too many balls at once. She knew it, but she didn't do anything about it - that is until the universe forced her to deal with it. One day, she passed out from exhaustion while in her office and on the way to the floor, she banged herself up pretty well - broken cheekbones, eye sockets, a nasty concussion -plus various and sundry other injuries. When she woke up and realized what had happened - she came to a life changing realization. While she was living an amazing, exciting and very fast-paced life - she wasn't THRIVING. She wasn't enjoying any of it because she was never truly present in any given moment. She was always onto the next thing before she could experience or appreciate the moment she was in. So, she made some big changes and that is what this book is about. I am hoping to gain some perspective and learn how to thrive and not jusr survive.

If you haven't seen Brene Brown's TED talk about vulnerability - stop reading this and click on over to TED. It will change your life. I discovered Brene while on a silent,rustic hot-yoga retreat in the mountains of Peru. True story.

 OK - I saw her on Super Soul Sunday with Oprah - don't judge. Anyway - it doesn't matter how I found her - I am so glad that I found her! She is a researcher who studies vulnerability - weird, right? But it's NOT. Daring Greatly is a LIFE CHANGER people - I am telling you. Her other, amazing life changer is :

Again - for those of us too busy to stop and take a deep breath - LITERALLY - this is a MUST read. 

Phewwww - now I KNOW I won't get through all of these titles this summer. But, even if I'm reading them with a mug of hot apple cider, I WILL read them all! If these titles don't tickle your fancy - the following books have gotten some great reviews and are ALSO on my "must read" list...enjoy!

A Hypochondriac Walks into the Doctor's Office...

Hey Peeps! Enjoying this Spring Warm-Up? Wa-HOOOO!!! I hope everyone out there is feeling good...because Busy Momma is NOT. Nope - not by a long shot. You see, it appears that after 41 years of a blissful life together - a life filled with love and happiness and Margaritas, Pizza, Nachos, and waaaay too many Oreos - my gallbladder is looking to make a run for it. She wants out - and she is NOT being subtle about it. What a BITCH!

She started complaining last Saturday night after a DELICIOUS dinner of Chicken Parm - complaining LOUDLY. In quite a rude manner I might add. The pain she caused was so severe, I had to doula myself through it with Lamaze breathing and PANTING. Yes - panting. I dare say that she caused pain that was SO severe - it was WORSE than labor. So after a trip to the doctor and an ultrasound - I am waiting for confirmation that my gallbladder and I must separate. Now, according to my doctor it is probably my gallbladder. But, according to WebMD - it could be a wide variety of other HORRIBLE illnesses. Some of them are sicknesses that I can't even PRONOUNCE. Those must be super-duper bad.

Note: in the interest of full disclosure, I am a BIT of a hypochondriac. While pregnant with Bella, my OB CONFISCATED my copy of What to Expect When You're Expecting, because I was walking into every appointment with  self-diagnosed illnesses that apparently were very rare and occurred only in people who were born in East Ishkabbibble and had recently traveled to Liberia and had been bitten by a spider monkey. And in the spirit of true transparency, I will admit that I once called my doctor and DEMANDED her one daily "emergency" appointment because I was CONVINCED that I had a pulmonary embolism. In  my defense - I did have MANY of the symptoms. Fortunately I did NOT have that horrible condition. What I had was a bad case of Indigestion...but it COULD have been an embolism 

This means surgery - laparoscopic surgery - but abdominal surgery none-the-less. Routine surgery, nothing to worry about. So easy that they let interns do it, right? Yes indeed - and if you've ever watched ER or Grey's Anatomy you know that it is these "routine", "so easy I can do it blindfolded" types of surgeries are where ALL FATAL mistakes are made. I DISTINCTLY remember George O'Malley killing someone during some sort of easy procedure...and they called him 007 until his dying day.

 And there were COUNTLESS tragic deaths on ER - at least one per week. Think about it - usually the people having some sort of "high profile" surgery...like having a bud of a second head removed or having your heart removed and replaced with a baboon heart...survive. They have the best surgeons, the best nurses, the best anesthesia people - no one is going to let THEM die. But they can put their B team - even their C team on gallbladder surgeries.

This was what was going through my head as I was having my abdomen scanned on Thursday. So - I decided to be pro-Active instead of RE-ACTIVE as I usually am. I came up with a list of rules for my OR team (Should I need one).

1. DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, do ANYTHING that would cause YOU or anyone else in the room call for an "Epi - STAT!". I don't know what that actually is, but I have watched enough ER to know that calling for an "Epi - STAT!" leads to nothing good. 
2. Do NOT, under ANY circumstances, leave ANYTHING inside of me. Do not leave any sponges, gallbladder sucker-outer tools, latex gloves, wedding rings, earrings, tissues, spare change, your watch, or a contact lens inside of me. Because anything you leave behind is mine...and it is NOT coming out. (Unless it is a Rolex or a serious diamond - then I WILL have it removed and wear it)
3. Give me enough anesthesia. I do NOT want to be waking up while you people are sucking my gallbladder out through my belly button. I will be seriously pissed if that happens.
4. Don't infect me with any MERSA or Skin-Eating bacteria or ANY of that shit. So when you are scrubbing - you'd better scrub at least 2 layers of skin off. Once you've scrubbed - scrub again. Seriously. I am a mom and I WILL smell ALL of your hands for soap.
5. We are a litigious people. We do NOT play. If you kill me - you WILL pay. My husband will sue you for enough money to buy himself a jet pack and hire a new mother for his children. Probably someone tall with a spicy Latin accent and a killer body - and we all know - those chicks are NOT cheap.
6. Don't TALK to anyone during my surgery about ANYTHING that is unrelated to me or my surgery. No talking about your brackets - I don't give a crap about college basketball. NO discussion about American Idol, or The Walking Dead or Scandal or ANY TV show...or movie while we're at it. Do NOT get distracted...that is how watches and fake acrylic nails get left inside of people.
7. Don't take out ANYTHING else. You are tasked to remove my gallbladder and ONLY my gallbladder. When I wake up, I expect to have 2 legs, 2 arms, all of my fingers and toes, 2 kidneys, 1 liver, 2 lungs and all of my other bits and pieces. (Now if someone decides to throw in a little liposuction, a boob job or a nice lifestyle lift while I'm under - I wouldn't complain.)
8. Do NOT send a priest in to "pray" with me before surgery. That will push me right over the edge. If you must send someone in - send in a hot firefighter wearing his sexy fireman pants, suspenders and not much else. 
9. Shoot me up with some happy drugs - the good stuff - while I am waiting for surgery. I want to be singing showtunes while waiting...make me happy and, well, let's face it - we'll ALL be happy.
10. I had better wake up in a private room filled with flowers and balloons and hot, male nurses. Seriously.

Oh - and I am so NOT wearing a hospital gown. That is NOT happening. I will be wearing my OWN pjs - cute ones that I will buy especially for my hospital stay. And I will be in full makeup and hair as I am wheeled in. Research says that people pay more positive attention to attractive people. They treat them with more respect, they are taken more seriously and deemed more intelligent by other people. I am not joking - I read it in O - the Oprah magazine.  

Well - that's all. I am off to The Muppet Movie to distract me while I wait for my results. This might be my last post for a while...or ever. JUST KIDDING!!!! Until we meet again my Peeps - Stay Happy, Stay Beautiful and for God's Sake - Stay Young! This getting old shit is for the birds....

Would YOU you accept his rose?

WARNING: This Post will be a total RANT about the show The Bachelor. Stop reading NOW if you are a fan! Seriously - stop reading.....

OK - so picture this - last night I am channel surfing around 9:30/10:00 and when I flip to ABC - the finale of The Bachelor is on. Now, normally, I would keep on flipping through the channels. I don't watch The Bachelor. I have actually NEVER watched an entire episode of this show. The intellectual, academic feminist inside of me just cringes every time I think about the premise of this show. A group of absolutely beautiful women present themselves as potential wives to a great looking guy over a series of dates and "mixers".  They completely marginalize themselves and open themselves up to complete humiliation and rejection ON A NATIONAL STAGE...all in the name of finding "true love".... in 2 months. I could go on and on and on...but you get the idea.

 I have actually FORBIDDEN my daughter from watching this show - but after the train wreck that I watched last night - I am reconsidering the ban on The Bachelor on Foxborough Drive.

WHAT? You might be asking.....BUSY MOMMA - WTF is wrong with you? WHY on EARTH would you subject an impressionable teenage girl on the cusp of womanhood to such drivel?

 Hang on...hear me out...

Last night, when I landed on ABC - I stopped and watched because there has been a lot of hype about this guy being a total jerk, making crazy, insulting comments and causing all sorts of "dramatic incidents". My husband had also mentioned that some of the late night shows have been having a field day with this guy - so I wanted to see if this guy lived up to the hype.

OK, girls, I will admit this much - he's not bad to look at. He's a serious hottie. But then again - they probably wouldn't cast a regular-looking guy and PC is already taken - so this guy must have seemed like a logical choice. A home run for the casting director, right?

Well, as it turns out - not so much. He's more of a foul ball than a home run. Looks good, flies high, then knocks a fan in the head and she falls to a grizzly death.  In a shark tank....

Now, I admit - I didn't see any episodes of the season, so my statements are based on what I saw on the "After the Final Rose" show. And - trust me - that was enough. Of course, the first thing the host does is bring out the poor jilted girl. She THOUGHT he was going to propose...his family loved her.....he never gave any indication that he WASN'T going to pick her...blah, blah, blah. So she comes out and talks about what an ass he is, how she is so HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY that things worked out this way and she's TOTALLY TOTALLY GREAT!!!!! Okey dokey lady, Personally, I'd be in my bed, under the covers with a life time supply of Ben and Jerry's,  a spoon and a crate of tissues. What this gal went through is, in my mind, the WORST POSSIBLE FORM OF PUBLIC HUMILIATION since poor Hester Prynne  was forced to wear that scarlet A across her chest. If I were in HER position, I'd be looking into the witness protection program and/or plastic surgery. For real... But no - apparently this lady - who is absolutely beautiful - is just SO THRILLED that  he didn't select her because AFTER realizing "what kind of man" this DB was she didn't want him to be the father of her children. 

Interesting..... because had things gone in her favor.......??? Her poor, imaginary children!

So - she makes a graceful exit and after the next break - out comes Mr. Wonderful - Juan Pablo. And as the host interviews him, it becomes increasingly clear that these 2 really don't like one another - like they despise one another. They show a clip of this guy with a beautiful engagement ring in his hand, telling his "lucky lady" that he's just not sure about her. Not sure if he really wants to marry her - but he sure does LIKE her A LOT and "doesn't want to lose her". SERIOUSLY....This guy looked exactly like my husband looks when he is in the diner on Sunday morning trying to decide between ordering breakfast or lunch? He KIND OF feels like a Ruben sandwich......... BUT he also could go for an omelette with a side of pancakes. Hmmmm - what to do? 

 So - to cut the tension - the LUCKY girl he picked comes out. Again - a beautiful woman. (Shocker!) And, the host asks her - as one would expect - "So - ummm, how do you feel about the outcome of the show?" and this beautiful woman who is a pediatric NURSE so she MUST have a brain cell or two that is able to fire says: "GREAT! I am SOOOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY! I MEAN LIKE SOOOO HAPPY!"

Oh My God

It gets worse...then the host embarks down the slippery love slope - the "Well Juan Pablo - how do YOU feel? Do you LOVE her?" And.....................................

You guessed it....NOPE! Now he didn't actually SAY "NO" - he said NOTHING AT ALL! And then when he got booed - he seemed genuinely SHOCKED. And played the "well - now that the show is over we are going to go back to our private lives" card. WHAT!!!??? The BEST part of the whole show was when the host asked him: "OK - you KNEW that this show was going to be on TELEVISION, right?" 

This poor stupid girl is being HUMILIATED on NATIONAL TELEVISION AGAIN - and is sitting there with a smile plastered on her face desperately trying to convince HERSELF that she is just SO happy. No one in the audience was buying it. A former bachelor and his wife were in the audience - I think they were one of the only couples that actually found love - and you could just tell that this former Bachelor was disgusted. He was literally squirming in his seat and said; "I hate to burst your bubble - but AFTER the show you don't go back to a normal private life. You just don't" and the WIFE who was also clearly disgusted said: "You Don't bite the hand that feeds you" after Juan Pablo insulted the host. 

This guy was SO arrogant, SO awful and felt SO entitled that I truly think I need to rethink my Bachelor ban. I think our daughters SHOULD watch this. Just like I think every American teenager should watch "Schindler's List" in school. It's painful and gut wrenching to watch - but watching changes you - forever. If our girls can watch this as literal "flies on the wall" and then have open and honest conversations with us - their mothers - PERHAPS they would be able to recognize their inherent value and worth and never, ever fall for a guy like Juan Pablo. Perhaps, just perhaps, this generation that we are raising - a generation obsessed with fame and putting it all "out there" on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and Snapchat - will think twice about the PRICE of putting it "all" out there. Maybe watching other young women open themselves up to such public heartbreak and humiliation will convince our daughters that PRIVACY is, indeed, a valuable commodity. MORE valuable perhaps than fame and "easy" money. I think we can use these episodes to jump start some GREAT conversations about self esteem, loving yourself and never, EVER allowing yourself to be marginalized in your search for "love".   

And the Oscar Goes to....

Hooray for HOLLYWOOD!!!!!!!! 

Well - hello my beautiful peeps! I hope you are all well and warm and enjoying this unexpected March snow day. Busy Momma and crew are chowing down on some homemade soup and binge watching The Big Bang Theory. As many of you know - last night was my FAVORITE night of the year - OSCAR night! When else can you sit on your couch, in your pajamas, eating cookie dough and ruthlessly judging the fashion choices of Hollywood's golden Gods and Goddesses? It is a EVENT in our house. We start by watching the Red Carpet Shows and we predict who will be wearing what. Now, let me clarify - by "we:" I mean Bella, Fifi and me. Even though Fifi lives 3 hours away - we USUALLY watch the entire pre-show together and pass judgement on everyone's wardrobe choices. This is a VERY exciting time for Fifi and me. It is the only time that we argue and fight and completely disagree with one another. And every now and then - we get a REALLY good insult or call the other one a fantastically mean name. But it is all ok - because it is ALL in the name of fashion. We've been doing this for years and years - Bella has just been invited to join the party, and she does add a very fresh, and very YOUNG perspective. And now - with the invention of Face-Time, our Oscar night ritual has only gotten better. 

Last night, however, my darling Fifi ABANDONED me. She made a dinner date with another. This is a betrayal equivalent to Brutus betraying Caesar, Romulus killing Remus, Fredo betraying Michael ("You broke my heart, Fredo.), Ross cheating on Rachel (WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!)... You get the idea. She left Bella and I on our own to watch the fashion parade. Hence - my moment by moment Facebook updates. And that was fun - but not the same. When you post on FB - you really need to think before you make a comment...to snarky? Will I offend anyone? I don't have to think with Fifi...we just put it all out there - unfilterted. Of course, we will completely debrief this evening while watching the Fashion Police - but it's not the same. But it will have to do. 

But my absolute new favorite Oscar night ritual has become PC's reaction to the fashion parade. Any of you who know PC in real life know a few things - he shops for all of his clothes in 2 stores - Joseph A. Banks. and Dick's Sporting Goods.  And that's it. He buys entire outfits off of the models in the store and I buy and select everything else that he wears. Why? Well - 2 reasons: First- he is partially color blind. He can't distinguish between certain colors and certain shades of color. So, he has trouble putting things together. But the main reason that I pretty much style him in Granimals-outfits is that he could care less. I mean, don't get me wrong - he likes to look good - but he doesn't care about who designed what, Armani, Calvin Klein, Prada...who cares? As long as it fits him and it looks good - it's all good. 

So, knowing this, one might think that he wouldn't watch the pre-show fashion parade. And he doesn't really watch the whole thing - he "sorta-watches". He claims that he can't help but "sorta-watch" because of the yelling and screaming and cat-fighting between Fifi, Bella and myself. He doesn't like to be left out, I guess. And the ritual that has started is that when he hears the yelling begin - he glances up from the book he is reading and makes a comment about what we are shouting about. And these comments are usually so hysterical and fashion-backwards - let's just say that you really need to have a stash of Depends on hand so you don't miss anything. And then, once he makes these cray comments, Bella, Fifi and I will fall over in fits of laughter. And then, he is quite pleased with himself and will start reading his book again.

So - without any further ado - here they are:

 The Top 5 PC-isms of the evening:

The first comment was about everyone's favorite girl-next-door - Jennifer Lawrence.

Yup- gorgeous, right? But he didn't comment on her gorgeous Dior Couture gown, or her flawless complexion or even on her cleavage. His comment was about her necklace.

See how it hangs down her back? Great - right? Totally fashion forward, young and fun and totally wonderful - right? PC's Comment?

"OH - wait - it is SUPPOSED TO look like that? Like it's strangling her? Oh - I thought it was just still messed up from that fall .God - why does she want it to look like her necklace is trying to kill her?."

 One of his better "deep thoughts" was in reference to Chris Helmsworth and Charlize Theron:

To be FAIR - I started the whole conversation about Chris Helmsworth earlier in the evening when he and his beautiful wife walked the red carpet:

Now - obviously, his wife is VERY pregnant. And last night,to ME,  it seemed like she JUST had a baby a little while ago. So, of course, I can't help but bring that up and then I said: "But, I guess if I was married to HIM, I'd be pregnant all the time too." And PC put his book down and said: "Seriously - I am RIGHT 

HERE!" And I said: "I know".

So when Chris and Charlize walked out to present some award - PC says: "WOW...imagine if those 2 had kids! Imagine what THOSE KIDS would look like? They'd be super-beautiful...like a baby god or goddess." And then a few minutes later, he says: "Seriously, for the good of the order those 2 should be FORCED to have kids together. It would be for the good of the species."

Unfortunately, Jack was in the room when he said this and this comment led to questions about: how on earth could you FORCE people to have babies?  And can that really happen?  And oh-by-the-way-how DO people make babies after all?

Oh yeah...happy Oscars!

Then, there was PC's comment about Will Smith's ensemble:

He's yelling this at the TV:

"Hey - Will Smith - the Playboy Mansion is down the street! You must have made a wrong turn. Your high-backed leather chair is waiting for you at Hef's."

My comment? "What's wrong with what he's wearing?"

Response: "An ASCOT? SERIOUSLY? Who wears an ascot? Does he think he is Thurston Howell the Third?"

Okey Dokey.....

When asked: "So - who was your best-dressed of the evening?" he had NO problem answering:

Anne Hathaway:

Me: "That's interesting. She is pretty much on everyone's Worst Dressed list. Why Anne Hathaway?"

PC: "Oh - really? I thought she looked great - she was dressed as the guitarist from KISS, right?"

And here's the funny part - he wasn't kidding.

He also had many, many questions about how on earth boobies didn't "pop" right out of the following dresses:

We had a little talk about the magic of double sided fashion tape. He was blown away.

And now, my favorite night of the year is over. I have to wait an entire year to do it all over again! Bummer...but I DO have Fashion Police with Fifi to look forward to. But before I go...what was YOUR favorite look last night? Leave me a comment... 

So - A Narcoleptic Walks Into A Car Wash...

Hi Peeps! How is everyone doing? Enjoying the "melt-down"? I am over the snow - how about you guys? I am sick of the slippery walkways and parking lots and the schedule being all messed up due to school closing and delays. I cannot remember what day it is, when anyone's assignments are due, when tests are being rescheduled for...This control freak is out-of-control AND SHE DOESN'T LIKE IT!!!

Of course, the snow hasn't been all bad - we were all together for 5 solid days and everyone is still alive and we are all still speaking to one another. We are all probably a few pounds heavier since all we could do is sit inside and eat Valentine's Day candy. The kids built amazing snowmen and a fully furnished, pimped-out snow fort. And we all got to sleep in. Which is why my current state of exhaustion is so disturbing. I am really exhausted - like tired in my bones. I finally went to the doctor yesterday and got an antibiotic for a sinus infection that I have been trying to fight off for about a month. So, that might explain why I've been so tired for the past week or so. 

Now - all Mommies know the tired-in-my-bones feeling. It happens to the best of us. And we all just keep calm and carry on. We make pit stops at Starbucks, load up on caffeine and soldier on. Unfortunately, this strategy wasn't working for me yesterday. As I said, I finally gave in and went to the doctor yesterday. I love my doctor, I really do - but the one downfall of visiting her is that she is always running late. So, if you have a 3:30 appointment, she will breeze in to see you at about 4:20. So you just have to accept it and schedule accordingly. This is why I was shocked that I was in, examined, diagnosed and outta there by 3:49! AMAZING! So, instead of doing what I should have done - gone home and put my bones to bed - I decided to use this "found" time to my advantage and get the car washed. It was disgusting after the snow. So, I popped into the local car wash, waited in line and paid for my "Total Kleen" at the Maui Car wash. I love this car wash, they are nice, they power wash your undercarriage - which sounds very dirty- AND you get to sit in your car and ride through the car wash. I LOVE sitting in the car wash. I know, I am a freak. But I do love it. It is a 5-minute break from reality. You can't hear anything, you can't talk on the phone and you can't even answer email. It is a 5-minute vacation from the rest of the world. (Now, in all fairness and in the interest of full disclosure - I also love getting an MRI and a Pap Smear because I can lie down for a few minutes and I am ALL BY MYSELF. Well, except for the doctor and nurse - but no one is demanding ANYTHING of me. I don't have to check homework, email, make dinner or listen to anyone's drama. )

So yesterday, as my car slides into the car wash and is being rinsed by high-pressured, yet gentle jets - I decide to put my head back and close my eyes for a minute. 

A Minute......or 15....because the next thing I know, I am still in the car wash, but it is not working! No water, no suds, no dryer...AND someone is banging on my window! Apparently, my wheels weren't aligned properly on the roller thing and one of the tire brushes became jammed. The car wash workers then turned off the jets and came over the loud speaker to tell me to adjust my wheels. They became "concerned" when there was no response from me or the car. So - THEY SHUT DOWN THE CAR WASH, and walked in - and found me sleeping - WITH MY MOUTH OPEN - in the car. And I was seriously sleeping - when I woke up, I had drool running down my chin. No joke. AND I woke up screaming because I didn't know where I was AND the man was BANGING away at my window. Thankfully the guy was amused - or relieved to find me alive - because he was very kind and asked me to turn my wheel so that the tire brush would become unstuck. 

Seriously - who does this happen to? How can a person fall asleep in a car wash? It is so loud. The poor man probably thought I was dead. So humiliating. I decided to pack it in after that and go home. Lesson learned? Maybe. Maybe not. It's not like I am going to get less tired as the years go on. Yet I've gotta do what I've gotta do. This Mom stuff is hardcore! Maybe I need to start liking Red Bull.... 

The Mom Olympics

Hi Peeps! Well - it's that time again - the Winter Games are in full swing. And as always, it is SO exciting. So far we have watched the figure skating team competition and a few of the skiing and snow boarding events. I am really looking forward to the rest of the figure skating - it's my favorite! So, yesterday, I was listening to a morning show on the radio, and one of the DJs asked: "What winter Olympic event do you think you might be able to medal in?' And, sadly, when once I would have said figure skating...yesterday - I said Curling. Because it's essentially what I do every night when I sweep the kitchen floor - right? How sad is that? The only "sport" I think myself capable of excelling in is...sweeping the floor. That might be impressive in the Cinderella Olympics.on a Disney Cruise.....but not so impressive in Sochi.

So after feeling terrible about myself and my utter lack of athletic ability, I was struck with a wondrous thought. If there was a MOM Olympics - I could probably bring home several medals. I mean the competition would be crazy..but since I am inventing these games, I am declaring that I would be competing in them. Now, the Mom Olympics would be hard core. The events would be extreme - like EXTREME Mommying. Nothing easy, breezy like :

Oh no. These events will be epic. And hard - really challenging. Because really, Olympic mommies need to go hard or go home. So - here it is - a list of the Mommy Olympics Events:

1. The Mommy Biathlon: Now in Sochi, the biathletes strap cross country skis on their feet and a shot gun on their backs. They ski and every now and then, they drop to the ground and shoot this gun at a target. For no apparent reason. Seriously? Anyone can do that. The Mommy Olympics Biathlon will still involve strapping on cross country skis. However, instead of a gun, the moms will strap a sick baby on their front. The baby will have some sort of GI issue - so the kid will either be puking or pooping. The mom will have to cross country ski to a supply station where she will have to get a prescription filled, and purchase supplies for the sick baby - Pedialyte, diapers, wipes and baby Tylenol. All while keeping the sick baby from flipping out AND spewing or pooping all over the supply station. If the baby spews, has a diaper blow out or flips out - the mom is DQ'd.  

2. The Mommy Bobsled: So, I will admit - bobsledding is seriously hard core. I had the opportunity to do it at the Salt Lake City Olympic venue a few years ago. AND I totally wussed out. I mean, seriously, I break my parts by walking down the street. I was seriously afraid that I'd kill myself. That being said - the Mommy bobsledding event will involve the actual bobsled event, on the bobsled track, however - the bobsledders will have to balance a travel cup of hot coffee in between their knees AND they also MUST install a carseat properly into the bobsled. This installation will be timed and must be checked for safety by a State Trooper before the sledders push off. The team that finishes first with the car seat still in the sled AND has not spilled their coffee are the winners. 

3. The Mommy Speed Skating Event: Speed skating is pretty easy - I mean it's just a race on skates. Little kids in Holland do this every day - Hans Brinker sound familiar? We need to "mommy-fy" this event - so here's what we will do: The event will involve the moms running late and racing to make a Parent Teacher conference. The moms will have to strap on not only speed skates, but also one of those creepy life like animatronic babies. They will have to speed skate to the finish line - the meeting- all while keeping that baby "sleeping" and navigating around roadblocks...like traffic jams on the ice, red lights and slow old-lady skaters blocking their path. They cannot cuss or shout, or they will wake the sleeping baby and be DQd. 

4. The Mommy Downhill: As I do not ski, I really shouldn't pass judgement on how hard it is... and as several famous people have died while skiing downhill - I'm going to assume it is not as easy, breezy as it looks. But still - we have to Mommy-fy it.

So in this event, the moms will have to ski down a quadruple black diamond run - while checking in at several pit stops along the way. Each Mom will have to pick up several items at each pit stop: Stop 1: dry cleaning, Stop 2: A case of diapers, Stop 3: a healthy dinner from Boston Market for 4 people and Stop 4: milk, bread, eggs and toilet paper. The moms will have to find a way to attach these items to her person, and cannot break or lose anything on the way down the hill. If something drops and does not break, the mom will have to stop and pick it up, adjust her packages and keep on skiing. If she loses any of the drycleaning, Boston Market Side dishes, the diapers or breaks the eggs - she is DQd.    

5. The Mommy Skeleton Event - OK, so have you seen the Skeleton event yet? It's really like sledding...headfirst at insane speeds along a super-slippery death track. Look - does this look safe?:

So, I can't make this any scarier or harder....or maybe I can! The moms will not compete in this event. Each mom will get a call in the middle of the night that one of their kids was screwing around on the Skeleton track and is currently in the ER. The mom will have to get dressed and make her way to the hospital, in a foreign country, in the middle of the night. Once mom gets to the ER, she will be told that their kid is ok - but "pretty banged up", is being XRayed and that the doctor will see her soon, In the meantime, she will have to fill out the intake paper work with a gum chewing, 19 year-old hospital worker who takes mom's insurance card and promptly tells mom that her insurance has been cancelled. Mom will have to contact her insurance company and will be told that this is all a mistake, but unfortunately it will take several days to get everything sorted out. So she should just pay her ER bill and submit the receipts. And she will "eventually" be reimbursed. Then she will be told that the doctor is ready to see her. When the doctor opens his mouth to speak - she can't understand a word that he says. The more she asks him to repeat himself, the angrier he gets. The mom who keeps her shit together and doesn't go postal when given a bill for $8,000.00 wins a medal.

So - who wants to sign up for Team Mommy USA? Spanx , Tampax , Berringer and Gallo wines are our team's official sponsors. We will have really awesome uniforms that have built in tummy tucking lycra technology and will, of course, be fashioned out of moisture wicking fabric for team members who are experiencing hot flashes. I think I have thought of everything here. Comment if you'd like to be considered for the team! 

Bad Mommy!

Well, hello again Peeps! It's been a while. Have you all dug out from the snow and ice? Our front and backyard are STILL completely frozen. And we are expecting more tomorrow and more again on Wednesday! But enough - Mother Nature will have her way with us whether we complain or soldier on - so we will soldier on. It has been quite a winter so far. It seems like life has been on fast-forward and I can't understand how we are celebrating VALENTINES Day next week. We've been buried with projects and papers and essays and auditions and try-outs and this Busy Momma is EXHAUSTED. I mean out and out tired in my bones. It doesn't help that my new best friend Peri - as in menopause - has a NEW way of torturing me. She has started waking me up in the middle of the night - EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. Yep - I can't stay awake past 9pm, but give me a call around 2:47am - I'll answer. This morning she let me sleep until 4:17. She must have felt bad for me. Now, being awake at all hours does have its advantages. I have gotten a lot of reading done! I am like a reading machine. AND I am all caught up on Nashville - so that's good. And last night, well last night I had a revelation. An insight into myself  that was earth-shattering and life altering. And here it is:

 There are many days when I would qualify to some as a BAD MOMMY!

Ok - not bad like this. Not "NO MORE WIRE HANGERS!!!!" bad. But bad by some standards of parenting. The moms who do things like this:

And this:

And this:

Seriously - WHO does this? 

These moms would look at me some days and would probably call Social Services. Seriously. The other night, I found myself doing something that the younger me - you know, the me before kids - SWORE she would NEVER EVER do. I still can't believe I did it. I really didn't want to - but I was in a bind. I was running late, my chicken hadn't defrosted,  the boys had to be at scouts within 45 minutes and the girls had a long night of finishing a Science Fair project ahead of us. And let's not forget the exhaustion factor here. So - what did I do you ask? Well, before you get too worried...rest assured - it wasn't anything like this:

Or this:

Or even this:

Want to know what I did? Well - they say confession is good for the soul - right? Ok - here it is...deep breath:

 I went through the drive-thru at Burger King for dinner. 

I know - right? I felt so guilty about this indiscretion that I could hardly eat my Whopper and Onion Rings. I kept thinking:

 "YOU are POISONING your children. You might as well be feeding rat poison to your babies. Your precious babies. Look at what you have become. You should be ASHAMED of yourself. So-and So's kids have never even TASTED  fast food. Slacker." 

Want to know what my kids were saying? 

"Yay! Burger King for dinner! We've NEVER had BK for dinner! You're the best mom in the world! YAY!!!!!!!" 

You would have thought that these kids had landed in Foxborough Farms from Mars and had never seen a burger and fries before. They were thrilled. 

Want to know what my husband was saying?

"So, tonight when we go to scouts, I have to get this religion book signed, right?Who signs it again? And then he has to bring a glue stick and scissors for some crafty thing and he has to finish working on the badge thing -anything else? I like this burger better than the Whopper - although they were kinda skimpy on the special sauce tonight. McDonalds loads you up on special sauce."

Hmmm....HE wasn't worrying about poisoning HIS children. He was much more concerned about his lack of special sauce than the possibility that we were clogging our kids' arteries or contributing to the childhood obesity epidemic. 

What the heck is wrong with me? And I KNOW that it's not just me. There are many, many of us out here who are striving to be such perfect moms that sometimes we lose our way and need one of those BK moments - a moment when we SEE how happy our kids are when we stop trying to be so darn perfect and start getting REAL. What do I mean by REAL? Well, in my house, REAL means that for Valentines day, you'll be getting a package of cards that I pick up at Target and if you don't like the character I pick - too bad for you. Find the strength to go on, kiddo. You will NOT be handing out anything that looks like this:

Your lunch on Valentines Day will NOT consist of heart shaped sandwiches and heart shaped strawberries and cucumbers shaped like hearts. Nope - it will consist of whatever the cafeteria is serving for lunch that day. Enjoy.

You will find a nice heart-shaped box of Russell Stover chocolates at your place at the table. AND you will be told how much you are loved and you WILL be tortured by your mom with hugs and kisses galore. 

You will not wake up to find your room filled with heart-shaped red and pink balloons. You will not wake up to heart shaped pancakes. You will be offered breakfast - but I can guarantee that it will not be heart shaped. AND that is going to have to be ok - or move out. 

So - if all of these confessions make me a bad mom - so be it. All I can say is that my BIG realization last night allowed me to take a DEEP breath and relax a bit. Because being a" bad mom" last night made my kids really, really happy. And to me - happy kids can only come from a good mom.