Auld Lang Syne

Well Peeps - it's been a rough year. (That might be the understatement of the year!) As PC and I sit back and reflect upon this past year, we are quite tempted to utter several expletives and witty yet filthy phrases as we bid 2011 farewell. PC has so many witty yet filthy phrases in mind, that I will seriously have to watch his booze consumption on Saturday night to be sure that he does not utter them in mixed company! Busy Momma and crew will NOT miss 2011. It started off with unbelievable, mind -numbing tradgedy and grief. And as we get ready to mark the first anniversary of Aiden's passing, I find myself looking for something to hold on to. Something to keep me from sinking back into that pit of darkness and sadness and despair that I became so familiar with last winter. An anchor, a tree root to hold onto as the quicksand of despair threatens to suck us back into its crushing hold.

And I found it. I actually found it last year, as all of this madness was unfolding. I didn't so much 'find" it, as it was given to me by my brother. Last Christmas, as we were waiting for a diagnosis, I remember standing in my living room talking to my brother. PC and the rest of the grown-ups were acting as if everything was normal on Christmas for the sake of the kids. We didn't want to ruin their Christmas as we were beginning to realize that there was going to be enough saddness in the coming days to last a lifetime. So any "real" conversation had to occur out of the way of little ears and prying eyes. I remember just looking at my brother and saying something like "I just don't understand why this is happening to us. I don't know what lesson I am supposed to learn." And he looked at me and said "Maybe all you are supposed to learn is how much your family and friends love you. Maybe this is supposed to bring everyone closer together."

Now, I don't often admit this in public - but he was right. (There, I said it - record it!) I think he had a flash of divine brilliance that morning. Little did we know how our friends and family would rally around us in the coming days, weeks and months and provide the kind of love and support we didn't even realize was possible. People did things, made gestures both on a grand scale and a small scale that often brought us to tears and left us feeling loved and cherished and incredibly blessed.

And that is my anchor. That is what I am holding onto this week. I still maintain that I would have rather learned this lesson another way - but we don't get to control how we learn our lessons. All we can control is what we take from the challenges God puts before us. I think Aiden's death would have truly been a meaningless tradgedy if we didn't learn something from it. And we learned alot from it.

We learned that we are all - all four of us - stronger than we ever thought we were. We learned that our family is strong and whole and complete. We learned that we don't have to suffer everything alone, that our friends and family need to help out in times of crisis - and that we need to let them. We learned that we have amazing friends. AMAZING friends. Friends who think nothing of dropping off dinner, soup, muffins, cookies, flowers, shoulders to cry on. Friends who think nothing of dropping whatever is happening in their lives and hop on a plane to just lay in bed with you and hold you as you cry. Friends who take down your Christmas tree and remind you to get out of bed and take a shower. Friends who come to your house and act like it is their own - friends who clean and organize for you and make you dinners and put them in your freezer. Friends who remember to call you every month on the anniversary to check on you. We learned that while time doesn't really heal all wounds, it certainly does soften their raw, jaggedy edges and dull the pain. We learned that we can survive. 

So as we bid this year a FOND farewell - we have so many people we need to thank. Far too many to name, but they know who they are. We want to thank everyone who helped us this year. Whether you sent a card, stopped in, made a meal, said a prayer - we thank you. Thank you to the friends who let us cry, who let us get it out. Thank you to the friends who knew when we needed "normal" and shared their "normal" daily struggles and treated us like the people we were before January 2nd. Thank you to the ladies who would go out to lunch with me when I didn't know if I was coming or going. All they knew was that I HAD to get out of bed and get dressed, and they suffered through several depressing meals with me to be sure that I got up and showered for the day. Thank you to the wonderful teachers and guidance counselors who helped our children proccess their grief and helped us help Jack and Bella. Thank you to our beautiful neighbors who named a star in the sky for our beautiful boy. Jack still takes his telescope out onto the deck and searches for Aiden in heaven. What a wonderful gift - a million thanks. Thank you to the people who said "I just don't know what to say" - there was nothing to say - but you reached out, and that was enough. Everyone who came into our lives that terrible week was a Godsend. From the doctors and nurses at the hospital, to the funeral director to the florist - they were all  amazing. They knew just what to say and do to make an unbearable time tolerable.

Most of all we want to thank our families. What they did for us and continue to do for us is amazing and way above and beyond the call of duty. To Sookie and Bill, Fifi and Hermione - the family we chose- no words can ever express our gratitude. Not just for what you guys did that awful week, but for what you continue to do for us as we continue on our journey of healing.

So, as we look forward to a much HAPPIER and HEALTHIER 2012 - Busy Momma and crew wishes everyone a safe and happy New Year. We hope that everyone reading this post experiences the love and the blessings of friendship that they have expressed to us this past year.

Do You Hear What I Hear?

I think Christmas is trying to tell me something. Now, I know that sounds completely crazy, or like I've had more than my share of the holiday wassail....but it is. I think it's trying to say "It's OK, ot's ok". Let me explain....

Most of you know that I'm really not into Christmas this year. Not at all. If I had my way, I'd go to sleep today and wake up on January 3rd. It's been a year since my Aiden died, and the nightmare of it all started on December 23rd, 2010. So, this Christmas marks a really painful and traumatic anniversary. One that I never thought I'd be marking. So, Christmas is just not about happiness and peace on earth and silent nights for us this year. It's about remembering. And sometimes, remembering is hard.

So, I've been trying to balance Christmas still coming and celebrating with and for the kids and my feelings. And I think I have done a good job. The house is decorated, the cards went out, the gifts are wrapped and we even did a few different things this year to try to make new, happy memories. We went to Hershey Park to see the lights, and it started to SNOW while we were there - which made it all the more magical. I'm really, really trying. But some things have fallen by the wayside. The elf on the shelf arrived with his usual fanfare - but he keeps forgetting to fly back to the North Pole and change position every morning - that silly elf. And I didn't bake my favorite Martha Stewart cut-out sugar cookies. I just didn't have it in me. I didn't bake Carmella's pecan puffs or any chocolate chip cookies. I did get my rear in gear and I did bake a pan of Brownies and the kids made chocolate dipped pretzels for our neighbors. So that will have to do for Santa tonight. He will probably appreciate a nice brownie. By the time he gets to us, I'm sure he will be on cookie overload.

And, I've been feeling guilty about being such a Grinch. I really have, but things keep happening and my holiday plans have gotten all messed up this year and I think the universe is sending me a message. I think the universe is saying "It's ok. You don't have to be into it this year. It's ok" First of all, I came down with a wicked, wicked stomach virus the other day, and all of the baking I did plan on doing just fell by the wayside. And I am still recovering. I literally could do almost nothing but lay down for 2 days. Then, my dad got sick and I think he's going to be down for the count for the entire holiday. So there goes the family getting together at the butt crack of dawn to exchange gifts. And then my brother's house sprang some sort of ridonculous leak - and now they can't come down for our celebration until next weekend. So everything that we normally do - all of the traditions that we've had for years and years and years will be tweaked a bit. And in any other year - this "tweak" would have just devastated me so much. I like change - but don't mess with my Christmas. But this year, somehow all of the sickness and plumbing emergencies seem appropos. Like a gift from the universe. With all of these changes and all of this upheaval, this Christmas can't be like Christmases past. I don't have to try to make it that. I just have to be. Go with the flow and see what happens. And that's really what I need this year.

No worries, Santa will still come. He has his bag full of surprises and everyone will be happy and sugared up by 9am tomorrow morning. The roast beast will be in the oven at 3 and dinner will be on the table by 5 - I hope. And when it's all said and done, when everyone is in bed tomorrow night, PC and I can breathe a sigh of relief. because it will be over. We will have made it through what would have been "Baby's First Christmas" without baby.  

A Dog named Dog

Hey there Peeps!!! There is GREAT excitement in Busy Momma town this morning. In addition to the Christmas Tree going up last night and preparing to decorate it this afternoon...there is even GREATER excitement on the horizon. Busy Momma and Co. are headed to Delaware in about an hour to "look at and meet" a small litter of puppies and "perhaps" bring one of these little adorable babies home. And by "look at and meet", of course, I mean "select, pay for and bring home".  And by "perhaps" I mean - "we'd better".

Many of you know that we lost our BELOVED Dixie on July 31st of this past year. And many of you also know that as far as years go, 2011 was pretty much the worst possible year that Busy Momma and Co, have ever suffered through in terms of loss. Loosing Dixie was just the cherry on the top of our sucky sundae. So, the way I see it, we are due for some sunshine and laughter. And what better way to make that happen than by bringing home a puppy. At Christmas...hmmm.

Now I know what you are thinking: "Busy Momma - Christmas is the busiest and craziest time of the year. Why would you add an additional layer of crazy to the mix right now?" And to that I say: "You're right, you're right, I know you're right". (My favorite line from When Harry Met Sally) In all actuality - Christmas is the perfect time for a number of reasons. First and foremost - it is my quietest time of the year. I am home far more than I am away. And for puppy training, that is a must. PC is going to be on a project that will also have him home more than not, and Poppy needs to add a bit of excercise to his daily regime. A nice, mid-day walk with a puppy will get his blood pumping and he can now add "dogwalker" to his impressive post-retirement resume of "Manny for hire". (He is unaware of his impending new career as dogwalker. We are breaking it to him on the way to Delaware.)

And to be really honest - I'm really not looking forward to this Christmas AT ALL. I'm looking for ways to "get through it" as opposed to ways to "enjoy" it. There will be very little enjoyment in it for PC and I this year. Our nightmare with Aiden started on December 23rd of last year...so all of the lights and the Christmas carols and whatnot are just dredging it all back up. Even unpacking the Christmas decorations that Fifi so lovingly packed up for us last year makes me sad. But we CANNOT allow ourselves to wallow in that. We have 2 children who ARE here, and Christmas MUST go on.

So - we are actively trying to create new, different happy experiences to get us through. And I really think a little bundle of cuteness will help us. I like to think think that Dixie will be with us today - helping us select just the right puppy for our family. I know she will. She was ALWAYS there for us. Whether it was sleeping by Will's crib and growling at our beloved babysitter Lindsay - aka - Hinny -  whenever she checked on him or laying by my side and refusing to ever leave me as I recovered after Aiden's birth - she was always there protecting us from whatever she could "control".

So, our biggest dilemma today - in addition to really trying to just bring ONE dog home, will be what to name this ONE doggie - for Busy Momma and crew CANNOT agree on a name. At one point we had a list 25+ names long. One of us, who shall be nameless - Bella - is desperately trying to throw Twilight names into the mix. Which might have worked had she not started her quest by throwing the name "Twilight" into the mix first. PC objects to any name that MIGHT be associated with destructive behaviors - so Puddles, Pooh, Chewie and so on have all been ruled out. Jack is like a little old man - shooting down any name that rhymes with a "bad" word. So my dream of a puppy named "Puck" will remain a dream. I am gunning for Jake or Sprinkles. PC associates Sprinkles with pee-pee - so he is not a fan. He wants Snickers or Vader. I think not. So - right now - it looks like we will have a dog named Dog.  We are open to suggestions today. I really hope I don't come home with 2 dogs. Not because of the extra work - but because then we would need mathching names! Here is a list of names that have been vetoed:

Mistletoe
Snocap
Dasher
Dancer
Prancer
Vixen
Comet
Cupid
Donner
Blitzen
Shadow
Pooh
Dumpling
Darth Vader
Chewbacca
Rolf
Ruffles
Rufus
Ruff
Woof
Midnight
Ebony
Twilight
Edward, Cullen, Jacob,Carlisle and Jasper
Harry, Ron, Draco, Hagrid,Hedgewig, Scabbers and Fang
Atticus
Scout...(you can guess who came up with those last 2)
Puck

So, as you can see - we HAVE done our naming due dilligence. Thoughts?????