You know you're a FREAK when...

Well hey Peeps - Busy Momma has some HUGE News - like seriously HUGE news. Maybe....
OK - so here's the back story. I was looking at Twitter the other day during my lunch break. I have what quite possibly could be the geekiest twitter feed ever. (Um - I get tweets from every book publisher and from Harry Potter sites. Yup - told ya - GEEKY Twitter feed.) So anyway - the Dr. Oz show sent out a tweet that they were looking for people who had "extreme food aversions". Hmmmmmmmmmm.....

OK - if you know me - you know that I have 2 somewhat weird food aversions. I hate raw tomatoes and I DESPISE bananas.

I cannot STAND bananas. I cannot stand the way they taste or smell. I cannot eat anything with banana in it. Many, many people have tried to "trick" me into eating something with banana hidden in it. Many have haughtily claimed that I would NEVER taste the banana in the ____ (fill in the blank) that THEY make. And they have ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS been wrong. I must be a super taster or something because I can taste banana in ANYTHING. Let me prove my point - one day PC went to the grocery store and bought a loaf of bread, a gallon of milk and a bunch of bananas. When he got home, he put the milk in the fridge, but for some reason, he left the bananas and the bread in the bag together. When I pulled them out, I put the bananas in the fruit basket and the bread in the bread basket. Fast forward to the next day. I opened the bread to make a sandwich - took a bite and gagged. WHY???? Because the BREAD tasted and SMELLED like............

We had to THROW OUT THE ENTIRE LOAF OF BREAD. It was infected with the awful stench and flavor of banana. IS this freakish - yes. I realize that this is a freakish food aversion. "Everyone" loves bananas. Yep - I know. But I really don't care. I'll gladly let my freak flag fly. I will NEVER EVER EVER eat a banana. Which leads me right back to Dr. Oz....

So - when I read the tweet - I HAD to respond. I mean if anyone belongs on this show - it's me, right? So I write back and explain my banana aversion.I get back to work and about an hour later - guess who emails me???????

Oh yes my friends - I shit you not. 

Well - OK, it was Greg from Dr. Oz show - not Mehmet himself. But still - pretty freaking impressive - right? They want me to come to NEW YORK on Wednesday, October 30th to be a guest on the show! In the email, my new best friend Greg asks for some basic info - like my name, my age, my address and phone number. He told me that I had to report to the studio by 10:30 am and that I'd be done by 2:30pm. . He also asked if I had any questions. Now, all I really need to know is: are they planning on feeding me lunch and can Fifi come with me. Because there is NO way that I am making my network television debut without my Fifi by my side. But then I realized that I had one more REALLY PRESSING question. Dr. Oz isn't silly enough to try to TRICK me into eating something with banana in it, right? I mean he wouldn't be that ballsy - right? I wrote in and told the banana infecting the bread story. They wouldn't try to "cure" me of my freakish banana aversion by trying to get me to eat something with banana in it? Because if he did....

Seriously. Ain't nobody got time for that......

So - I decide that I'm not really in a position to make too many demands of Mehmet and his Peeps. So, I decide that I won't demand lunch and that Fifi and I will just show up as the dynamic duo that we are. What are they going to do? Would they tell Oprah that she couldn't bring Gayle? Yeah - I don't think so. But I absolutely cannot risk the whole "hidden banana" risk. (See image above) So, I write back to my future ex husband Greg and tell him that I'd be THRILLED to spend the day with Dr. Oz and crew - all they'd have to do is guarantee that they won't trick me into eating any banana, banana product or food stuff with banana as an ingredient. Basically, they would need to pretend that I have a life threatening banana allergy. Not that I DO - but we'll just act "As IF" and we'll have a lovely day. I EVEN promised Greg that I would be witty, charming and elicit plenty of laughs. All I would need in return is a signed document agreeing to my terms and a really good spot in the audience for Fifi,( guaranteeing maximum camera exposure) and that it would be really great if Fifi could be on the show as well. Perhaps to testify that ever since I was a little girl I have had this weird banana aversion. 

I really felt that these were very basic terms and that meeting them would be pretty easy. I mean it's not like I'm a member of the Rolling Stones and I'm demanding Cristal in my dressing room. I'm not even requesting a dressing room - OR a makeup person. I know - right? (Fifi and I will deal with my makeup. We've been doing it since we were 12 - we're pretty good at it by now.) SO - guess what Greg said???

Yup...no response yet. 

Greg - who just 24 hours ago was my new BFF - making plans for me to come to his big, important studio and be on his big, important TV show is now ignoring me. ME - Busy Momma herself! The Gall! The AUDACITY!!! The BALLS on this guy! Who else did they find as freaky as me? Because let's face it - when you are looking for a true food freak - look no further Greg - she's right here! God handed you a gift, Greg. A gift in the form of Busy Momma. And you, Sir, YOU have chosen to ignore that gift of full-on food freakishness. And you have apparently chosen to pass on this little piece of professional heaven. Greg - I could have been your Emmy, my friend. You could have had that golden statue in your hands next year all because of me. But maybe you don't want an Emmy. Maybe you don't need one. That's cool. Maybe you already have SOOOOOO many Emmys that one more would just push you over the edge and you'd have to buy a new curio cabinet to hold all of your Emmys. Who needs that hassle? No - good choice Greg. Why host a TRUE food freak when you could have someone who is afraid of eating - oh who knows - pretzels. Or Oroes. Or Saltine crackers. That will make for interesting, MUST SEE TV. 

Good luck with that GREG! 

So - what does this mean for Busy Momma? Well - for now - I am thinking that this Busy Momma is probably un-invited from being on Wednesday's Dr. Oz show. Rude, Rude, Rude! What is a girl to do? Who should I call? Who will listen to me and make it all ok?

Nah....

How's that gonna work out? Probably not so hot...

Hmmmm...

Anybody know the Greg in Geraldo's office????????

Things That Go BUMP in the Night......

Double, double toil and trouble;

Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

Fillet of a fenny snake,

In the caldron boil and bake;

Eye of newt and toe of frog,

Wool of bat and tongue of dog,

Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting,

Lizard's leg and howlet's wing,

For a charm of powerful trouble,

Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.

William Shakespere

Well - it's that time of year my friends - All Hallows Eve is upon us! I must admit - I LOVE Halloween - I always have. I love this time of year. The leaves are turning., the air is getting crisper and cooler and  Busy Momma and crew pick pumpkins, bake apple crisps, carve the jack-o-lanterns and generally spend a lot of time together!Plus - on Halloween - the kids go out for a few hours and come home with hunderds of pounds of candy! There is NO DOWNSIDE to this holiday in my humble opinion. 

Now - the only thing I don't like about Halloween is the really scary stuff  - those crazy scary movies. You know the ones I am talking about. I HATE those movies that scare you by having monsters or zombies or bloody creatures JUMP OUT AT YOU when you least expect them to. Oh God - those are pee-my-pants moments. I cannot deal with those movies. But at least I know that they are fake and if I DO have to see one or walk past a room where my husband is watching one, I can console my self by saying: "It's Hollywood movie magic. It's not real..." over and over again. 

But this week, my friends, this week in Busy Momma land has been filled with truly scary things that are 100% REAL. You see - PC is away on business. FAR away in Texas. So there is NO hope of him coming home early to bail me out of a jam or save me from the REAL LIFE things that really scare me.And, unfortunately for me - this week has been chock full of scary moments for Busy Momma. 

Sunday was a BEAUTIFUL, beautiful fall day. PC headed off to Texas and the kids and I had tons of things to do. I had to grocery shop, do laundry, clean the house and help Bella with some homework. So - what did we do? Well, I DID grocery shop. Then we headed to the farm to pick pumpkins. Life is too short to spend a BEAUTIFUL fall Sunday cleaning the house I convinced myself. The dirt will be here when you get back I told myself. The kids will be grown and gone and won't want to pick pumpkins with you in a few short years I said to myself.  So off we went. Once we got there - Jack reminded us that THIS particular farm had a corn maize and both kids were drawn to it like moths to a flame. Ohhhhhh Nooooooooooo....thought I. You see, while I love everything about fall...the corn maize is NOT one of my favorite things. In fact - I hate corn maizes - I really, really hate them. I hate the feeling of being lost and I also have a terrible sense of direction. Seriously - the Garmin has been a life changer for me. The last time I was in a corn maize - THIS PARTICULAR corn maize to be exact - I had a panic attack. I couldn't find my way out, I kept going around and around in circles and was basically in tears by the time we made it out. The corn maize is usually the type of thing that PC does with the kids and I wait at the end holding jackets and water bottles. But as PC was in a plane - it was all on me. I couldn't let them enter the deadly corn maize by themselves. What if they got lost or separated from each other? What if they never made it out? I had to go in. I had no choice. Here we are on our way into the maize of terror:

Sure - they look happy. They've never seen Children of the Corn!

About 20 minutes in - we were completely lost and I fully expected Malechi here to greet me around the next bend. I was 100% lost and turned around and had NO idea how to get out. I was seriously starting to panic. Which made both kids laugh hysterically. Bella kept running ahead of me and hiding and jumping out from the corn stalks and yelling: "Children of the Cooooooorrrrrrnnnnn!" Once again I asked myself WHY on EARTH I had EVER taught these kids how to speak. 

Finally, finally - about 40 minutes in - these children had mercy on me and led me out of the maize. And when I say "led me out of the maize" I mean they took my hand and literally led me out. Jack had a freaking MAP in his hands and knew how to get out the whole time I was FREAKING out! They purposely led me around and around in circles and pretended that we were lost in the corn because "it's really funny when you get all freaked out". 

Let's see how funny it is when Santa brings them boxes of underpants and socks. And a set of encyclopedias.Who will be laughing then?

Monday started off well enough - got the kids up and out, everyone was dressed, clean and fed. I was headed to NJ for work. I packed up the car, I had my brand new book loaded onto the iPhone, I had my coffee and my Diet Pepsi AND my lunch packed and ready to go. I backed out of the driveway and then it hit me - the sun - right in my eyes. So, I reached into my purse for the sunglasses...and found an empty case. Crap - I left my sunglasses inside on the kitchen counter. So, I put the car in DRIVE, pulled back into the driveway and ran inside to get  the sunglasses. As I was getting back into the car, somehow, some way, I tripped and fell. My left leg went one way and the rest of my body went the other. And I felt what can only be described as the most painful simultaneous tearing and popping sensation in my left calf. I knew instantly that something VERY VERY bad had just happened. This was not an injury that could be "walked off". So - what did I do? I tried to get up and "walk it off". Understand that I was sitting in the driveway CRYING. Not a pretty picture. So, I was able to get up but I couldn't make it back up the steps and into the house. To make a long story short - my dad ended up coming over and rescuing me. My 73-year-old father had to come over and take me to the doctor who diagnosed me with not one but 2 torn calf muscles! So, I am resting it, elevating it, icing it AND wearing a very attractive air cast .I can only come down the stairs once and go up once per day. That's convenient. I can't carry the laundry down to the washer. I can't run the vacuum, clean the bathrooms or mop the floors...hmmm...maybe this injury isn't as bad as I initially thought. I also can't go on the hike PC and I were planning for this weekend. Whah, wha,whah...I know it could have been worse - at least I didn't break my leg or hit my head. But it sucks - it really sucks. Oh, and it hurts - it really hurts too.  

So - I spent Tuesday on the couch. What possibly could go wrong with me on the couch? 

Oh yes my friends - spiders. Big, scary, giant spiders invade the family room. WTF????????????? It's like they knew that PC was away and said: "Hey guys - the big scary guy is gone. It's just the gimp in there. Let's par-tay!" So there I was, RICE-ing (resting, icing, compressing and elevating - oh yes - I follow directions Peeps) when I see this giant spider crawl across the carpet...and another and another! These bad boys were so big that I was afraid to kill them with just a paper towel and my hand. I needed a spider basher. I actually grabbed a magazine and wacked these guys until they were good and dead....and mashed into the carpeting...ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. So then I had to pick crushed spider parts out of my carpeting. One would think that I had experienced enough drama for one day - but no. Karma had other plans for me. Tuesday night, a stink arrived in our family room that can only be described as the smell of death. It was the sickest, most disgusting smell I think I have EVER smelled. The kids were screaming, gagging...completely freaking out. It took about 3 seconds to trace the source of said stink to Jake - Destructo Dog. He must have rolled around in a zombie patch because he just stank to high heaven.

 He needed a bath - immediately. Thank GOD Bella - pictured above  as the cutest  zombie ever- was willing to give him a bath. So - as Bella is bathing the dog of death, Jack decides that he needs to go outside and see EXACTLY what Jake rolled in. And in one of those epic "Don't go outside- because I said so...I'm going anyway...just for a minute..." moments - he somehow manages to push the sliding back door off of it's track - completely. Like - the door is no longer attached to the house. Like - now the zombies can just walk right in because I no longer have a back door. 

Did I mention that PC is in Texas? And that I am in a leg cast? And now, I don't have a back door.

 So, as I am having images of duct taping a sheet across the gaping hole in the wall of the family room, I am reminded that I do have neighbors and perhaps one of them might be able to lend me a hand. Thank GOD my neighbor's son and his friend were able to come over and fix the door. And as I am thanking them profusely - I hear screaming from upstairs and all of a sudden - a very wet and excited Jake runs down the stairs and proceeds to shake, shake, shake and gets smelly, dirty dog water all over my neighbor, her son, his friend and me. He then proceeds to run all over the house and track dirty, stinky water on every couch and all over the carpets.  

  Wednesday dawned bright and beautiful.  I returned to work and had a pretty good day. And then the children came home. They both claimed that they had "NO homework". So, I immediately knew that something was very, very wrong. Why, pray tell did we have NO homework??? Well because we have math tests tomorrow. MATH TESTS.... next to scary movies and corn maizes, math tests make my blood run cold in my veins. Now, 4th grade math is OK. I can handle it. 7th grade math is a whole different story. I can't do it. When I look at Bella's math book I wonder what the heck I was doing in 7th grade? Did I even GO to 7th grade? Did we have math class? I look at it and it looks like a different language. So, math tests - especially Bella's math tests are PC's domain. 

Did I mention the fact that PC is in Texas?

Yup - it's all on me peeps. I'm pretty sure Jack will be OK. But poor Bella is on her own. She studied and did her extra credit. When I dropped her off this morning I felt like saying "Go with God". But I didn't...

PC comes home tomorrow night. Then he will once again take care of all scary things for me. He should be home in about 34 hours....that's a very, very long time.Here is my prayer:

 Please God....don't send me into any more corn maizes

 Don't send the Children of the Corn to visit

Please keep the plague of spiders outside

 And let nothing else break in this house. 

Please let there be peace on Foxborough Drive

Please let the math tests be completed and passed today

And please, please do not let PC's flight be delayed on Friday.

It's the little things in life....

What makes you happy? Have you ever stopped to think about ALL of the things that really and truly make you happy? Not the things that MIGHT make you happy if they were to come your way - like a winning Powerball ticket....

OK - if you are of a certain age...this image ALONE should make you happy! (It's not unusual to be loved by anyone....)
Well this Busy Momma HAS thought about all of the little things that make her happy. Because after all, it really IS true that the little things in life are the things that can make us the happiest. I mean sure - if I do someday find myself in possession of the winning Powerball ticket - I will be doing the Carlton dance - trust me. But until then - I have to try to find happiness in the everyday. We all do! So - here are a few of the VERY little things that make this Busy Momma VERY happy:

1. Taco Night - Crazy - right? But tonight was taco night here at Chez Ruff. And it is what got me thinking about this topic of happiness and how it really is the little things in life that make us happy. I worked all day on the Eastern Shore - and I had a start time of 8am...which meant I had to be there NO LATER than 7:30 am which meant a 5am wake up call. Now - for those of you who know me...5 am is the definition of "the middle of the night" for me. I am NOT a morning person. So tonight, as I was standing at the stove, browning my ground turkey for our tacos, I said "God, I love taco night." Right out loud - to no one in particular. Because it's so darned easy to make tacos. It takes less time to make tacos than to find the number for takeout and figure out what everyone wants and call and order and have it delivered. I can be CLEANED UP from taco night by the time the delivery guy would get here from Wok Around the Clock!And, this makes me happy.

2. Ice - yes, you read it correctly - ice. Ice makes me happy.

When I think of my life without ice - I want to cry. I use ice more than your average bear you see. Of course I use ice to chill my Diet Dr. Pepper - like the rest of you. But I'm not your average bear when it comes to ice and its uses. Remember - it's me - Busy, Accident-Prone Momma

I tend to break myself...without really trying. There was the time I got the stress fracture of my hip by training to run a 5K...and the time I broke bones in my foot by wearing heels that were way too high.....then there was that time I fractured my skull when I fell off of that exercise ball and bashed my head into the base of the couch....and who can forget the broken toes when I accidentally kicked the wall covered in tiles...then there was the time that I threw my back out by dancing the night away in heels that were ridiculously high...must I go on? I haven't even MENTIONED all of the sunburns and cooking burns. And I won't even tell you why I REFUSE to sit on a bike seat for more than a few minutes...let's just say that THAT particular injury required ice...and LOTS of it.ICE saved the day in all of these scenarios where I have broken bits and pieces of myself. It's a freaking MIRACLE for those of us who are accident prone. 

And I haven't EVEN mentioned how much of a life saver ice is when my good friend Peri comes to visit. Remember her? That BITCH Peri-menopause who has now just dug her heels in and taken residence in my body. This peri-menopause thing is NO joke people. No joke. These hot flashes are for real and apparently - they are here to stay. This is how I feel at LEAST once a day:

No joke. And once the flashes start - they are here to stay. Ice is the ONLY remedy. I drink ice water by the bucket because I am convinced that it cools me down from the inside out. I put ice packs all over my body if I am home - and trust me that's quite attractive for a husband to come home to - a wife - DRIPPING with sweat and COVERED in blue, CVS ice packs. And now, I am buying all sorts of icy products - such as:

and:

OK - so I didn't buy these YET...but I'm about 2 flashes away...seriously...boob sweat is no joke.
So needless to say - ice makes me very, very happy.
3. Books - yes books. Maybe this doesn't surprise most of you. I am and always have been a book worm...a bit of a book nerd if you will. But I love books - and all things book-ish. So much so in fact that my mother gave me book pajama bottoms last year for Christmas!

I love nothing more than to curl up with a good book - anywhere...If I'm on the beach - I'm reading a book. If I'm on a plane - I'm reading a book.(Let us not forget the "Dead Man Flying" incident- when I was so engrossed in a novel that I didn't notice that they guy in the seat next to me in first class WAS DEAD until I FINISHED the book) If I'm at the pool - I'm reading a book. If I'm driving the car - I'm LISTENING to a book. If I'm sick - I'm in bed reading a book. And I'm kind of particular when it come to my books. I'll read any fiction book on my Ereader. I have a Kindle and an iPad - and I will read from either. However - if I am reading a nonfiction or professional book - I MUST have the ACTUAL book in my hands. I MUST be able to highlight, underline, flag and post-it note those books. I have no use for a professional book or any nonfiction book that is an ebook. I have even gone so far as to download these books and THEN I have gone out and bought them AGAIN as hard copies! Oh the wasted money! OH the frivolity! OH the stacks and stacks and stacks of books we have in our house...and we LOVE them! PC and I STILL have the books - the actual BOOKS we read in high school and college in big plastic bins in the basement! And we love them...and YES - we pull them out and reread them on a regular basis. Our idea of a heavenly weekend is one spent in our pajamas reading. Books are my kryptonite.
4. Shoes - Is there anything that can make me happier than finding a GREAT pair of shoes? Yes - finding a GREAT pair of shoes ON SALE!!! I could wax poetic on my shoe collection. It is vast. It is beautiful. And it is growing. I LOVE shoes. I delivered my son wearing high heeled, peep-toed hot pink satin slippers with maribu feather puffs at the toes.No joke.I still have them - and they are GORGEOUS! Here's the thing about shoes that makes me happy: They always fit. It is a rare occasion where one of my babies betrays me and doesn't fit. Shoes always fit - even on fat days. They ALWAYS fit. Remember Carrie on Sex and The City and HER obsession with shoes?

Well - that's me...only I can't afford HER shoes! But I can dream...and try them on...and I have...here's a peek at some of the shoes I HAVE HAD ON MY FEET...even if for only a few moments...they have made me VERY, VERY , VERY happy:

5. Rainbow Sprinkles - weird - I know. But rainbow sprinkles ALWAYS make me a happy girl! 

I mean come on! Look at that? How can anyone look at that and be sad? And while we're on the subject - how and WHY would ANYONE order chocolate sprinkles when they could have RAINBOW sprinkles? They are like little pieces of happiness on your ice cream! Visual representations of happiness...on ICE CREAM...which is, as everyone knows - the culinary representation of happiness. Ice cream is what happiness tastes like and rainbow sprinkles are what happiness looks like!

So - there it is - 5 little things that make me really, really, really happy.

OK - 6 things if you count all things  Buddy the Elf. Now, I must sign off. All of this talk of happiness makes me want to change into my pjs and high heeled maribu feathered slippers, get a bowl of ice cream with rainbow sprinkles and settle down with a good book. (and an ice pack of course)

What makes YOU happy?