A Hypochondriac Walks into the Doctor's Office...

Hey Peeps! Enjoying this Spring Warm-Up? Wa-HOOOO!!! I hope everyone out there is feeling good...because Busy Momma is NOT. Nope - not by a long shot. You see, it appears that after 41 years of a blissful life together - a life filled with love and happiness and Margaritas, Pizza, Nachos, and waaaay too many Oreos - my gallbladder is looking to make a run for it. She wants out - and she is NOT being subtle about it. What a BITCH!

She started complaining last Saturday night after a DELICIOUS dinner of Chicken Parm - complaining LOUDLY. In quite a rude manner I might add. The pain she caused was so severe, I had to doula myself through it with Lamaze breathing and PANTING. Yes - panting. I dare say that she caused pain that was SO severe - it was WORSE than labor. So after a trip to the doctor and an ultrasound - I am waiting for confirmation that my gallbladder and I must separate. Now, according to my doctor it is probably my gallbladder. But, according to WebMD - it could be a wide variety of other HORRIBLE illnesses. Some of them are sicknesses that I can't even PRONOUNCE. Those must be super-duper bad.

Note: in the interest of full disclosure, I am a BIT of a hypochondriac. While pregnant with Bella, my OB CONFISCATED my copy of What to Expect When You're Expecting, because I was walking into every appointment with  self-diagnosed illnesses that apparently were very rare and occurred only in people who were born in East Ishkabbibble and had recently traveled to Liberia and had been bitten by a spider monkey. And in the spirit of true transparency, I will admit that I once called my doctor and DEMANDED her one daily "emergency" appointment because I was CONVINCED that I had a pulmonary embolism. In  my defense - I did have MANY of the symptoms. Fortunately I did NOT have that horrible condition. What I had was a bad case of Indigestion...but it COULD have been an embolism 

This means surgery - laparoscopic surgery - but abdominal surgery none-the-less. Routine surgery, nothing to worry about. So easy that they let interns do it, right? Yes indeed - and if you've ever watched ER or Grey's Anatomy you know that it is these "routine", "so easy I can do it blindfolded" types of surgeries are where ALL FATAL mistakes are made. I DISTINCTLY remember George O'Malley killing someone during some sort of easy procedure...and they called him 007 until his dying day.

 And there were COUNTLESS tragic deaths on ER - at least one per week. Think about it - usually the people having some sort of "high profile" surgery...like having a bud of a second head removed or having your heart removed and replaced with a baboon heart...survive. They have the best surgeons, the best nurses, the best anesthesia people - no one is going to let THEM die. But they can put their B team - even their C team on gallbladder surgeries.

This was what was going through my head as I was having my abdomen scanned on Thursday. So - I decided to be pro-Active instead of RE-ACTIVE as I usually am. I came up with a list of rules for my OR team (Should I need one).

1. DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, do ANYTHING that would cause YOU or anyone else in the room call for an "Epi - STAT!". I don't know what that actually is, but I have watched enough ER to know that calling for an "Epi - STAT!" leads to nothing good. 
2. Do NOT, under ANY circumstances, leave ANYTHING inside of me. Do not leave any sponges, gallbladder sucker-outer tools, latex gloves, wedding rings, earrings, tissues, spare change, your watch, or a contact lens inside of me. Because anything you leave behind is mine...and it is NOT coming out. (Unless it is a Rolex or a serious diamond - then I WILL have it removed and wear it)
3. Give me enough anesthesia. I do NOT want to be waking up while you people are sucking my gallbladder out through my belly button. I will be seriously pissed if that happens.
4. Don't infect me with any MERSA or Skin-Eating bacteria or ANY of that shit. So when you are scrubbing - you'd better scrub at least 2 layers of skin off. Once you've scrubbed - scrub again. Seriously. I am a mom and I WILL smell ALL of your hands for soap.
5. We are a litigious people. We do NOT play. If you kill me - you WILL pay. My husband will sue you for enough money to buy himself a jet pack and hire a new mother for his children. Probably someone tall with a spicy Latin accent and a killer body - and we all know - those chicks are NOT cheap.
6. Don't TALK to anyone during my surgery about ANYTHING that is unrelated to me or my surgery. No talking about your brackets - I don't give a crap about college basketball. NO discussion about American Idol, or The Walking Dead or Scandal or ANY TV show...or movie while we're at it. Do NOT get distracted...that is how watches and fake acrylic nails get left inside of people.
7. Don't take out ANYTHING else. You are tasked to remove my gallbladder and ONLY my gallbladder. When I wake up, I expect to have 2 legs, 2 arms, all of my fingers and toes, 2 kidneys, 1 liver, 2 lungs and all of my other bits and pieces. (Now if someone decides to throw in a little liposuction, a boob job or a nice lifestyle lift while I'm under - I wouldn't complain.)
8. Do NOT send a priest in to "pray" with me before surgery. That will push me right over the edge. If you must send someone in - send in a hot firefighter wearing his sexy fireman pants, suspenders and not much else. 
9. Shoot me up with some happy drugs - the good stuff - while I am waiting for surgery. I want to be singing showtunes while waiting...make me happy and, well, let's face it - we'll ALL be happy.
10. I had better wake up in a private room filled with flowers and balloons and hot, male nurses. Seriously.

Oh - and I am so NOT wearing a hospital gown. That is NOT happening. I will be wearing my OWN pjs - cute ones that I will buy especially for my hospital stay. And I will be in full makeup and hair as I am wheeled in. Research says that people pay more positive attention to attractive people. They treat them with more respect, they are taken more seriously and deemed more intelligent by other people. I am not joking - I read it in O - the Oprah magazine.  

Well - that's all. I am off to The Muppet Movie to distract me while I wait for my results. This might be my last post for a while...or ever. JUST KIDDING!!!! Until we meet again my Peeps - Stay Happy, Stay Beautiful and for God's Sake - Stay Young! This getting old shit is for the birds....

Would YOU you accept his rose?

WARNING: This Post will be a total RANT about the show The Bachelor. Stop reading NOW if you are a fan! Seriously - stop reading.....

OK - so picture this - last night I am channel surfing around 9:30/10:00 and when I flip to ABC - the finale of The Bachelor is on. Now, normally, I would keep on flipping through the channels. I don't watch The Bachelor. I have actually NEVER watched an entire episode of this show. The intellectual, academic feminist inside of me just cringes every time I think about the premise of this show. A group of absolutely beautiful women present themselves as potential wives to a great looking guy over a series of dates and "mixers".  They completely marginalize themselves and open themselves up to complete humiliation and rejection ON A NATIONAL STAGE...all in the name of finding "true love".... in 2 months. I could go on and on and on...but you get the idea.

 I have actually FORBIDDEN my daughter from watching this show - but after the train wreck that I watched last night - I am reconsidering the ban on The Bachelor on Foxborough Drive.

WHAT? You might be asking.....BUSY MOMMA - WTF is wrong with you? WHY on EARTH would you subject an impressionable teenage girl on the cusp of womanhood to such drivel?

 Hang on...hear me out...

Last night, when I landed on ABC - I stopped and watched because there has been a lot of hype about this guy being a total jerk, making crazy, insulting comments and causing all sorts of "dramatic incidents". My husband had also mentioned that some of the late night shows have been having a field day with this guy - so I wanted to see if this guy lived up to the hype.

OK, girls, I will admit this much - he's not bad to look at. He's a serious hottie. But then again - they probably wouldn't cast a regular-looking guy and PC is already taken - so this guy must have seemed like a logical choice. A home run for the casting director, right?

Well, as it turns out - not so much. He's more of a foul ball than a home run. Looks good, flies high, then knocks a fan in the head and she falls to a grizzly death.  In a shark tank....

Now, I admit - I didn't see any episodes of the season, so my statements are based on what I saw on the "After the Final Rose" show. And - trust me - that was enough. Of course, the first thing the host does is bring out the poor jilted girl. She THOUGHT he was going to propose...his family loved her.....he never gave any indication that he WASN'T going to pick her...blah, blah, blah. So she comes out and talks about what an ass he is, how she is so HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY that things worked out this way and she's TOTALLY TOTALLY GREAT!!!!! Okey dokey lady, Personally, I'd be in my bed, under the covers with a life time supply of Ben and Jerry's,  a spoon and a crate of tissues. What this gal went through is, in my mind, the WORST POSSIBLE FORM OF PUBLIC HUMILIATION since poor Hester Prynne  was forced to wear that scarlet A across her chest. If I were in HER position, I'd be looking into the witness protection program and/or plastic surgery. For real... But no - apparently this lady - who is absolutely beautiful - is just SO THRILLED that  he didn't select her because AFTER realizing "what kind of man" this DB was she didn't want him to be the father of her children. 

Interesting..... because had things gone in her favor.......??? Her poor, imaginary children!

So - she makes a graceful exit and after the next break - out comes Mr. Wonderful - Juan Pablo. And as the host interviews him, it becomes increasingly clear that these 2 really don't like one another - like they despise one another. They show a clip of this guy with a beautiful engagement ring in his hand, telling his "lucky lady" that he's just not sure about her. Not sure if he really wants to marry her - but he sure does LIKE her A LOT and "doesn't want to lose her". SERIOUSLY....This guy looked exactly like my husband looks when he is in the diner on Sunday morning trying to decide between ordering breakfast or lunch? He KIND OF feels like a Ruben sandwich......... BUT he also could go for an omelette with a side of pancakes. Hmmmm - what to do? 

 So - to cut the tension - the LUCKY girl he picked comes out. Again - a beautiful woman. (Shocker!) And, the host asks her - as one would expect - "So - ummm, how do you feel about the outcome of the show?" and this beautiful woman who is a pediatric NURSE so she MUST have a brain cell or two that is able to fire says: "GREAT! I am SOOOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY! I MEAN LIKE SOOOO HAPPY!"

Oh My God

It gets worse...then the host embarks down the slippery love slope - the "Well Juan Pablo - how do YOU feel? Do you LOVE her?" And.....................................

You guessed it....NOPE! Now he didn't actually SAY "NO" - he said NOTHING AT ALL! And then when he got booed - he seemed genuinely SHOCKED. And played the "well - now that the show is over we are going to go back to our private lives" card. WHAT!!!??? The BEST part of the whole show was when the host asked him: "OK - you KNEW that this show was going to be on TELEVISION, right?" 

This poor stupid girl is being HUMILIATED on NATIONAL TELEVISION AGAIN - and is sitting there with a smile plastered on her face desperately trying to convince HERSELF that she is just SO happy. No one in the audience was buying it. A former bachelor and his wife were in the audience - I think they were one of the only couples that actually found love - and you could just tell that this former Bachelor was disgusted. He was literally squirming in his seat and said; "I hate to burst your bubble - but AFTER the show you don't go back to a normal private life. You just don't" and the WIFE who was also clearly disgusted said: "You Don't bite the hand that feeds you" after Juan Pablo insulted the host. 

This guy was SO arrogant, SO awful and felt SO entitled that I truly think I need to rethink my Bachelor ban. I think our daughters SHOULD watch this. Just like I think every American teenager should watch "Schindler's List" in school. It's painful and gut wrenching to watch - but watching changes you - forever. If our girls can watch this as literal "flies on the wall" and then have open and honest conversations with us - their mothers - PERHAPS they would be able to recognize their inherent value and worth and never, ever fall for a guy like Juan Pablo. Perhaps, just perhaps, this generation that we are raising - a generation obsessed with fame and putting it all "out there" on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and Snapchat - will think twice about the PRICE of putting it "all" out there. Maybe watching other young women open themselves up to such public heartbreak and humiliation will convince our daughters that PRIVACY is, indeed, a valuable commodity. MORE valuable perhaps than fame and "easy" money. I think we can use these episodes to jump start some GREAT conversations about self esteem, loving yourself and never, EVER allowing yourself to be marginalized in your search for "love".   

And the Oscar Goes to....

Hooray for HOLLYWOOD!!!!!!!! 

Well - hello my beautiful peeps! I hope you are all well and warm and enjoying this unexpected March snow day. Busy Momma and crew are chowing down on some homemade soup and binge watching The Big Bang Theory. As many of you know - last night was my FAVORITE night of the year - OSCAR night! When else can you sit on your couch, in your pajamas, eating cookie dough and ruthlessly judging the fashion choices of Hollywood's golden Gods and Goddesses? It is a EVENT in our house. We start by watching the Red Carpet Shows and we predict who will be wearing what. Now, let me clarify - by "we:" I mean Bella, Fifi and me. Even though Fifi lives 3 hours away - we USUALLY watch the entire pre-show together and pass judgement on everyone's wardrobe choices. This is a VERY exciting time for Fifi and me. It is the only time that we argue and fight and completely disagree with one another. And every now and then - we get a REALLY good insult or call the other one a fantastically mean name. But it is all ok - because it is ALL in the name of fashion. We've been doing this for years and years - Bella has just been invited to join the party, and she does add a very fresh, and very YOUNG perspective. And now - with the invention of Face-Time, our Oscar night ritual has only gotten better. 

Last night, however, my darling Fifi ABANDONED me. She made a dinner date with another. This is a betrayal equivalent to Brutus betraying Caesar, Romulus killing Remus, Fredo betraying Michael ("You broke my heart, Fredo.), Ross cheating on Rachel (WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!)... You get the idea. She left Bella and I on our own to watch the fashion parade. Hence - my moment by moment Facebook updates. And that was fun - but not the same. When you post on FB - you really need to think before you make a comment...to snarky? Will I offend anyone? I don't have to think with Fifi...we just put it all out there - unfilterted. Of course, we will completely debrief this evening while watching the Fashion Police - but it's not the same. But it will have to do. 

But my absolute new favorite Oscar night ritual has become PC's reaction to the fashion parade. Any of you who know PC in real life know a few things - he shops for all of his clothes in 2 stores - Joseph A. Banks. and Dick's Sporting Goods.  And that's it. He buys entire outfits off of the models in the store and I buy and select everything else that he wears. Why? Well - 2 reasons: First- he is partially color blind. He can't distinguish between certain colors and certain shades of color. So, he has trouble putting things together. But the main reason that I pretty much style him in Granimals-outfits is that he could care less. I mean, don't get me wrong - he likes to look good - but he doesn't care about who designed what, Armani, Calvin Klein, Prada...who cares? As long as it fits him and it looks good - it's all good. 

So, knowing this, one might think that he wouldn't watch the pre-show fashion parade. And he doesn't really watch the whole thing - he "sorta-watches". He claims that he can't help but "sorta-watch" because of the yelling and screaming and cat-fighting between Fifi, Bella and myself. He doesn't like to be left out, I guess. And the ritual that has started is that when he hears the yelling begin - he glances up from the book he is reading and makes a comment about what we are shouting about. And these comments are usually so hysterical and fashion-backwards - let's just say that you really need to have a stash of Depends on hand so you don't miss anything. And then, once he makes these cray comments, Bella, Fifi and I will fall over in fits of laughter. And then, he is quite pleased with himself and will start reading his book again.

So - without any further ado - here they are:

 The Top 5 PC-isms of the evening:

The first comment was about everyone's favorite girl-next-door - Jennifer Lawrence.

Yup- gorgeous, right? But he didn't comment on her gorgeous Dior Couture gown, or her flawless complexion or even on her cleavage. His comment was about her necklace.

See how it hangs down her back? Great - right? Totally fashion forward, young and fun and totally wonderful - right? PC's Comment?

"OH - wait - it is SUPPOSED TO look like that? Like it's strangling her? Oh - I thought it was just still messed up from that fall .God - why does she want it to look like her necklace is trying to kill her?."

 One of his better "deep thoughts" was in reference to Chris Helmsworth and Charlize Theron:

To be FAIR - I started the whole conversation about Chris Helmsworth earlier in the evening when he and his beautiful wife walked the red carpet:

Now - obviously, his wife is VERY pregnant. And last night,to ME,  it seemed like she JUST had a baby a little while ago. So, of course, I can't help but bring that up and then I said: "But, I guess if I was married to HIM, I'd be pregnant all the time too." And PC put his book down and said: "Seriously - I am RIGHT 

HERE!" And I said: "I know".

So when Chris and Charlize walked out to present some award - PC says: "WOW...imagine if those 2 had kids! Imagine what THOSE KIDS would look like? They'd be super-beautiful...like a baby god or goddess." And then a few minutes later, he says: "Seriously, for the good of the order those 2 should be FORCED to have kids together. It would be for the good of the species."

Unfortunately, Jack was in the room when he said this and this comment led to questions about: how on earth could you FORCE people to have babies?  And can that really happen?  And oh-by-the-way-how DO people make babies after all?

Oh yeah...happy Oscars!

Then, there was PC's comment about Will Smith's ensemble:

He's yelling this at the TV:

"Hey - Will Smith - the Playboy Mansion is down the street! You must have made a wrong turn. Your high-backed leather chair is waiting for you at Hef's."

My comment? "What's wrong with what he's wearing?"

Response: "An ASCOT? SERIOUSLY? Who wears an ascot? Does he think he is Thurston Howell the Third?"

Okey Dokey.....

When asked: "So - who was your best-dressed of the evening?" he had NO problem answering:

Anne Hathaway:

Me: "That's interesting. She is pretty much on everyone's Worst Dressed list. Why Anne Hathaway?"

PC: "Oh - really? I thought she looked great - she was dressed as the guitarist from KISS, right?"

And here's the funny part - he wasn't kidding.

He also had many, many questions about how on earth boobies didn't "pop" right out of the following dresses:

We had a little talk about the magic of double sided fashion tape. He was blown away.

And now, my favorite night of the year is over. I have to wait an entire year to do it all over again! Bummer...but I DO have Fashion Police with Fifi to look forward to. But before I go...what was YOUR favorite look last night? Leave me a comment...