You're Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile!

Hi Peeps! Happy Sunday...it's been a LOOOOONG week over here in Busy Momma land. But I am happy to report that it looks like smooth sailing for the week ahead. I have several projects lined up for this weekend - first and foremost on the list? Dressing Jack for his 1st Communion. Which is in 2 short weeks. Now, those of you who have gone through this process with daughters are probably AGAHST that I waited until 2 weeks before the big event to shop for his outfit.

 I remember going shopping with Bella for her 1st Communion dress MONTHS before the event - trying on several options in several different stores before we finally selected the perfect dress and veil. I remember planning out which specialty boutiques we'd visit, where we'd have lunch and really looking forward to that shopping day as a special mother/daughter day. And it was. 

I wasn't expecting to repeat the experience with Jack. I had no expectations and no grandiose plans. And that turned out to be a VERY good thing - because the day was really much less about "bonding" and creating a shared, lasting memory than it was about "getting her done".  As quickly and painlessly as possible.

I did TRY to create a nice experience - I really did. I enlisted the help of my mother. She agreed to come with us, and I will admit - I think she really was hoping to create a lasting memory. And she did - only it wasn't quite what she was expecting. So, we started our shopping adventure by telling Jack that we would go out for lunch at a restaurant of his choosing. That went over pretty well. Once he was stuffed full of crispy noodles and pork lo-mein - the adventure began. I decided to start out locally. I figured that Macy's would probably have a nice variety of suits and blazers and dress pants and that we could probably wrap up this whole adventure in about 30 minutes. Oh - how misguided I was...

Jack, for those of you who don't know him, is on the slim side. (Cannot IMAGINE how THAT happened!) So even though he is 8 years old - he is JUST starting to fit into a size 7 pant. Macy's had a grand total of 2 suits for him to try on. One black suit that Nanny and I quickly agreed was more suited to a mini-mortician than to an 8-year old boy. Plus the jacket was a bit too small. The other suit had promise - it was a light grey pinstriped Nautica number - Size 8. Hmmm - questionable. I tried the jacket on him, and it fit pretty well - but I was worried about the pants. So I said: "OK Buds, let's go and try these pants on."

Now, by the look on my boy's face, you would have thought I said something like: "Let's go and peel all of your skin off, eat these pants for a snack and let all of the bossy girls in your class come in and give their opinions on the outfit." because the expression on his face was one of complete revulsion, confusion and aggravation.

"WHAT?" he sighed. "Try them ON? What do you mean? Where?"

"In the dressing room Bud - right over there."

"WHY do I have to try them on - they're fine Mom."

"Well, I'm not so sure, I think they might be a bit too big and I don't want to buy the suit if the pants don't fit - so we have to try them on."

So off we went into the DREADED dressing room wherein Jack sighed and bitched and moaned as he kicked off his sneakers, pulled off his sweat pants and stepped into the suit pants - which, unfortunately, were WAAAY too big. So big, in fact, that they fell down and even when pulled up - they made him look like a clown. His reaction?

"See - I told you they are FINE."

No joke - they would NOT stay up around his waist...but he was perfectly willing to pull the trigger and buy this puppy if it meant getting out of this dressing room.

"JACK! Look at these pants!" (I let go of the waistband and predictably, they fall down to his ankles.) "You call this ok? They are way too big."

"They are fine Mom - I'll just hold them up like this." And he pulls them up and holds them in a WAD with one hand. "Can we just go home? The NFL Draft is on and I need to talk to Poppy and Uncle John!"

This was just too much for me to process and I found myself SCREACHING:

"JACK! I am trying to make you look nice for your First Holy Communion! You look like a hobo clown in these pants! Can't you try to look nice for Jesus??? Just for ONE HOUR of your life?? Is that too much to ask for the LITTLE BABY JESUS???" And I think I threw some "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD"s in there for good measure - but I can't be sure.

And then came that really awful moment when you realize that you are yelling - really loudly - like a Real Housewife of NJ- in a public place. About looking nice for Jesus. And I was embarrased - I truly was. So I calmed myself down and stripped the suit off of my boy and told him to get dressed. And, as I made my way out of the dressing room - expecting to see other mothers looking at me and shaking their heads in disgust....I heard the most lovliest sound I could have EVER heard at that very moment.

Another mother and son duo were blocking my exit from the dressing room to the boy's department. And they were having a similar conversation. The boy looked to be about 11 or 12. Mom had a few blazers, a few pairs of pants and what looked like a suit or two on hangers falling from her arms. Her face looked alot like mine did at the moment- red, distressed, bewildered and frustrated. Here is a rough transcript of THEIR conversation:

Boy: "I don't CARE what I look like Mom - I just don't Care." (And try to imagine the word care being dragged and whined out as a 3-year old girl in a full-on temper tantrum would be enunciating it...)

Mom: speaking in a very fast and clipped tone "Oh I KNOW that you don't care. EVERYONE knows that you don't care what you look like!" at this point, Mom's voice is becomming higher pitched, louder and is really bordering on nervous breakdown sound quality...
"So guess what? Guess what? You know WHAT? I don't care EITHER! I DON"T CARE EITHER! I REALLY REALLY DON'T CARE!"

Now - picture this: Mom is WILD eyed, literally ranting and raving and this boy is now painfully aware of what Mom is not - every shopper in the vicinity - in the boy's department, in the girl's department, in the layette department, in the lingerie department and in housewares - has stopped shopping to watch the floor show! Mom gets RIGHT up in his face - RIGHT in his grill - and says:

"SO go right ahead - graduate from Middle School in basketball shorts and a tee shirt. See if I care. See if I care because I don't! I don't care." And she DROPS all of the clothing onto the floor and walks out of the boy's department towards the door - talking TO HERSELF the entire way out! Saying:

"Oh I do NOT care. I could care less what you look like. You wanna look like a slob then a SLOB it is! Why should graduation be ANY different than ANY OTHER GOD DAMNED DAY IN YOUR LIFE. Oh I do not care no I do not!" And into the parking lot she went. And her son and daughter stood watching her go - simultaneously mezmerized, terrified and humiliated. And here is the best part - the daughter - who was definitely older than the son - looks at her brother and goes:

"Oh my God. I think you have done it. You LITERALLY just drove Mommy crazy. You pushed her right over the edge. I hope you are happy now because we are FU&#ED ."

And out she went- leaving this poor boy to just look at the pile of clothing at his feet, look at the rest of us who were all looking at him. He quietly stepped over the pile of discarded suits and headed for the door, while looking down at the floor.

It was AWESOME.

 I felt SO much better - and here is the best part - Jack came out of the dressing room RIGHT as the mom was getting all up in the kid's face. And when the yelling was over and the family had left the building - a look passed between Jack and I. And in that one moment - that look was all he needed to communicate EXACTLY what he was feeling - which was:

OK. I give up. I surrender. I will accompany you to The Pied Piper in the Village of Cross Keys where I will once again have to strip down and try on suits. But I will do this without a word of complaint in exchange for your promise NEVER to do that to me in public Lady. Do we have a deal?

And my cat-who-ate-the-canary grin was the perfect response.

 So I would like to take this opportunity to thank "Bat-Shit-Crazy-Macy's-Lady" (as she will forever be remembered) for buying me 2 more COMPLAINT-FREE hours of suit, shoe AND neck tie shopping at not ONE but TWO separate stores.

I am forever in your debt.

Why are we STILL fighting the Mommy Wars?

Hi Peeps! Well, as promised - I am reveling in my rainy Sunday. I am currently sitting on the couch, wrapped in my fluffy green blankie - that sort of smells like wet doggie- with a new candle burning, a big cup of coffee on the table, a new book and my knitting by my side. But before I slip into my cocoon of happiness, I thought that we'd have a little chat about another hot topic - the Mommy Wars.

You know the war that I'm speaking of ...the Working Moms vs. the Stay-at-Home moms. The war was resurrected last week when democratic strategist, and BFF of Gabby Gifford, Hilary Rosen criticized Mitt Romney's statement that his wife "regularly reported to him" on the economic status of women across the country. Rosen jumped on the fact that Ann Romney had never held a job outside of the home and was therefore unqualified to provide any kind of realistic feedback on the challenges the American woman faces on a daily basis. However - the verbage she chose to use was terribly misguided and took the focus off of what was - in my humble opinion - a valid point. She said that Ann Romney had "never worked a day in her life".

Well - those 7 words were the equivalent of the shot heard 'round the world. It reignited the Mommy Wars, much to my dismay. Ann Romney quickly countered that she stayed at home and raised 5 sons - and that was pretty hard "work". And who would disagree with her? I'm working to raise one son, and in the past 24 hours I have had to say things like: "Stop farting on your sister and her friend!"; "If you fart on Bella one more time you are going right to bed"; "STOP TRYING to RIDE the dog!"; "We DO NOT make those noises at the dinner table!"; "How could you FORGET underpants?"; "WHY would you take a shower and NOT use any kind of soap product?"; "No, you cannot wear flip flops or your baseball uniform to your 1st communion" ; "No, you cannot read a Skippy Jon Jones book for your biography book report"; and - I seriously cannot believe this even came up - "No, receiving communion does not, in ANY WAY, make you anything like the cannibals you saw in the Pirates of the Carribean movie. It is NOT the same thing, and I don't want to discuss this any further."

Needless to say - this Busy Momma thinks that raising 5 boys counts as hard "work". However,  it does NOT make Ann Romney a reliable source of information or insight on the lives of the average American woman. Sorry - but it doesn't. Ann Romney's situation was and is VASTLY different from the "average" American mom. She is married to an incredibly rich politician. She has always had domestic help. She has never been faced with the difficult Mommy dilemmas that most of us are faced with on a daily or weekly basis.

The problem is that pundits lumped ALL Stay at Home moms in with Ann Romney! And that is HARDLY the case. According to the latest study - the vast majority of Stay-at-Home moms are immigrants - the vast majority being Hispanic and live at or below the poverty line. A far cry from Ann Romney's "ladies who lunch and drive a couple of luxury cars" lifestyle. Most of the SAH moms I know do NOT have domestic help and choose to stay home for a variety of reasons. Many of the SAH moms I know tell me that they are home for a few years until their kids are in school full time because full-time childcare is way too expensive and that if they had to pay for full-time child care for 2 or more kids - they would essentially be working just to pay for childcare!  Most of the SAH moms I know make HUGE sacrifices to stay at home with their kids. Long gone are the days of weekly manis, and salon haircuts and highlights. Many of them can;'t remember the last time they were able to escape with their husbands for a romantic get-away- or even a dinner out! ALL of the SAH moms I know are college educated women who gave up good or even great careers to stay at home with their kids. Most of them plan on returning to the workforce. They cook, clean, do laundry, play games, design stimulating, meaningful experiences for their children...all while trying to live on one income that is easily 40-70k LESS than what they were used to before they had kids. AND when they do re-enter the workplace- they have quite a mountain to climb. They might have a boss who made different choices - who chose to come back to work after each child and now looks at them with resentment and jealousy. They might have to re-prove themselves...when they ALREADY proved themselves 10, 12, 15 years ago.

And what about the professional moms out there? How much "better" do we have it? Well, we certainly have more dollars to play with each month. But many of those dollars go to childcare, housekeeping, after school activities, weekend activities, summer camp, take -out and order-in meals and all sorts of other expenses going back to work entails. And then there is the guilt..the awful, horrible GUILT that we ALL feel at some point because when you work outside of the home - you inevitably miss things. You can't be lunch mom, because you are working every day at lunch time. And no matter how many times you try to gently explain this, it still feels like a knife in the heart when you hear "But why can't you just do it one day Mommy?" How do I explain that I only have so many vacation days and that I try to save as many as possible so that if you or your sister get sick, I will have some vacation days to use to stay at home and take care of you and that I can't justify using one of those 15 precious days to spend 25 minutes in your classroom opening pouches of Capri Suns and apple sauce cups. How do you tell your 6-year old that you can't go on the field trip because you took too many days off when he had pneumonia in February  and your coworkers have no tolerance for "Mommy stuff" because they are all younger and childless? How do you explain that you can't make the band concert because you have a 10 million dollar sales presentation the next morning in East Ka-pup and that you have to spend that night prepping the presentation with the team. Oh - I could go on like this for days...

Here's my point - why do we have to decide which way is "better"? WHY do we have to take sides? Why can't we see each choice as valid and support one another? I've been a SAH mom and a Professional mom - and let me tell you BOTH choices require ENORMOUS sacrifice and hard work. When I was home I remember thinking that if I had to play Candyland one more time I just might cry. The idea of lugging out the playdough was enough to put me over the edge some days. I would strike up conversations with telemarketers and strangers in Target just to talk about something other than Dora or Diego. I remember feeling like a failure when my friends would talk about their careers - and all I could talk about was the fact that Bella could already count to 20 AND could say "hello" and "my name is" in French thanks to those Muzzy tapes I found on ebay. When I went back to work I felt AWFUL when I would pick the kids up at after-care and Jack would be sitting on one of the ladies laps crying for me because he was so tired. I re-entered the workforce expecting to step right back in as the "rockstar" I thought I was before I left. Hahahahahahahahaha!! Those days were LONG gone. The people I was NOW working with were in high school and college when I was working my way through the ranks. They didn't know me when I was cutting my teeth and proving myself...hence I had to prove myself all over again - to YOUNGER, less experienced people. Talk about a swift kick in the gut. And my story is hardly unique.

Will this discussion EVER be finished? When will people recognize that the title of "Mom" is synonymous with "WORK" and that no matter how we choose to navigate through our journey through motherhood - we ALL deserve respect and a boatload of gratitude. This job does not come with a guidebook, a playbook or a rule book. We all make it up as we go along. And it's HARD.

Here is what I consider hard: I have a cleaning lady. I have full time help over the summer. My dad is my "Manny" all year long and makes sure that all homework - even 5th grade math- is completed and checked before I walk in the door so that I don't have to worry about it.. My mom can stay with my kids when they are sick and can make them homemade chicken soup and cluck over them when I can't. My kids can spend the night with my parents when PC and I are both traveling. It's a perfect arrangement for me - for now. If ONE of my carefully constructed safety nets becomes unwound - I am SCREWED. Notice my verbage - I am screwed. Not "PC and I are screwed". Because the Mommy crown comes with many strings attached - one of them being the irrational belief that you and ONLY YOU can and should make these arrangements. Mommy knows best. And that is what I consider HARD.

Then I think about the woman who barely speaks English, who has 2 or 3 jobs, no cleaning lady, no Nanny, Poppy, Sookie, PC, Christina, Carly or others to back her up, and who is lucky to have 60 bucks a week to feed 6 poeple. What would she think of me saying that my situation is "hard". Would she look at me the way that I look at Ann Romney? Maybe we all need top put down our guns and pick up our green fluffy doggie-smelling blankies and wrap one another in a cocoon of support and acceptance. I wonder what would happen if we all did that....

Fifty Shades of WTF??????

Hey Peeps! I hope everyone is enjoying these beautiful springy days we've been having. I think this past Friday was the most perfect day of 2012 thus far. Sunny, perfect blue sky, puffy, fluffy white clouds and 75 degrees...ahhh. Perfect start to the weekend. Unfortunately, the weekend is NOT supposed to end as beautifully. We are battening down the hatches and preparing for a rainstorm of epic proportions. As much as I love sunny, perfect Saturdays - I REALLY love rainy Sundays! No yard work to do...perfect excuse to curl up with a cup of tea and a great book.

Many of you know that I belong to a long-standing book club. There are 6 of us in the club and we've read everything under the sun - from Madame Bovary to Twilight. And while some of our picks have been overall hits - like Her Sister's Keeper  by Jodi Picoult and  Gone Baby Gone by Denis Lehane- others have been BIG misses - like The Mermaid Chair by Sue Monk Kidd and the afore-mentioned Twilight- but no matter what, we've powered through them. And although we spend MOST of our meetings talking about topics other than the book we've read and drinking copious amounts of wine - we DO spend a bit of time talking about the book. And sometimes we even cheat and talk about the book before the meeting right after we've finished reading it. So, in other words - we do really read and talk about the books. So, book selection is of utmost importance. Normally we take turns making suggestions and agree on one to read. Our current pick was a suggestion made by none other than this Busy Momma. And now I am horrified that I suggested it. Let me explain.....

I started hearing a lot of buzz about a new book - a hot book - a book that has been FLYING off the shelves...called Fifty Shades of Gray. Written by a Brit, mom of 2 boys, who - at the time - really wanted to stay anonymous. I will admit that I did hear it described as "mommy-porn" and I am not too proud to admit that this might have made it even more intriguing...so, being the wild, cutting-edge gal that I am - I suggested it at our last book club gathering. And it was met with over-all approval. Listen - the Dewey Decimal Divas are NOTHING if we are not cutting-edge. (And yes, that IS our name for our book club. Don't be hatin'...)

So, happily home I went to download this new book club selection. And the next morning, as I worked out on the elliptical at the gym, I started reading the book. And about 10 pages in - the worst, most awful thing that could happen to a reader happened to me. I came to the conclusion that this book, the book that I SUGGESTED for book club, was quite possibly the WORST BOOK EVER WRITTEN. Quite possibly criminal in its killing of countless trees for the paper this story  has been printed on. This presented a problem for me on several levels. First of all - and most upsetting to me -  is that I had picked ANOTHER stinker! I picked The Mermaid Chair - the first stinker that the girls STILL talk about. (I LOVED it and still highly reccomend it) I was also the one who suggested that as mothers of tweens and teens that we read Twilight.  As I recall I was the ONLY one who showed up to the meeting in a Team Edward tee-shirt, a Cullen family hoodie and a Team Cullen baseball hat.  Imagine my shock when I realized that I was the ONLY one who LOVED LOVED LOVED the book SO much that I read the other 3 books over the span of 3 days. The rest of the gals were appalled by the relationship between a "pathetic" teenager and a 100 year old vampire with Sookie going so far as to say that Edward was a classic PEDOPHILE! So, one more bad pick was REALLY going to screw with my book picking mojo. Secondly - and this justs toasts my onions - I hate to give up on a book - any book - I really feel that I owe it to myself and the author to power through. But this book - and peeps, keep in mind that I am only about 20 pages in at this point - is SO badly written - that I really don't think I can do it. And I have read some doozies - I read all 1100 pages of Martin Chuzzlewit, I read all of the Little House on the Prairie books - and let's just admit it - they're boring, I even finished A Fine Balance  and A Map of the World even though they were the most depressing books I have ever read and  I thought I would kill myself after finishing each one. I have staying power people - I can read me some books. But this book is testing my every sensibility.

Here's the problem: As I have already said - the writing is just awful. But I can live with awful writing. (Hell - I can scroll thru some of my own posts and point to some pretty awful writing!) I am REALLY having a problem with the relationship between these 2 main characters. By now- unless you've been living under a rock - you know that this book is flying off the shelves because of the graphic sex scenes contained within its pages. But the sex isn't your average Jackie Collins type of sex. It's SICKO!!!! The main character - Christian Gray -  is a sexual dominant. He is also a billionaire and incredibly good looking. The female main character is about to graduate from college, is bookish and really describes herself as your basic "zero" - not good looking, not too smart - nothing special. The perfect woman to fall into this type of misogynistic relationship. She becomes this guys submissive sexual toy/partner. He makes her sign a CONTRACT wherin she agrees to eat what he tells her to eat, excercise where, when and how he tells her to, dress as he wishes her to dress and of course perform as he expects in the bedroom. And by "bedroom" - I really mean torture chamber that happens to have a bed in it! Reading this book is making me physically angry and I just want to slap this girl silly!!! She admits that she is "scared" and that it doesn't "feel right" - but the dimwit signs on anyway!!!! WTF???? We are not talking about signing a gym contract, or a lease on a car or even a lease on an apartment..we are talking about signing a contact that allows a guy to tie you up, blindfold you and do WHATEVER HE WANTS TO Do to your body regardless of whether you want him to do it or how it might debase you. It just goes against everything I believe in - and it's killing me!

So - I sent out an SOS to the other Divas and we've picked a new book. I figured that if they hated Twilight, they would despise this one - right? Not so...Here's the crazy thing...the very Diva who HATED Bella from Twilight plowed through this entire trilogy and is really trying to convince me to finish at least the first two books. Apparently, the tables turn in the second book.

I really don't think I can do it.

The author of this ridiculous book was on 20/20 last night. (So much for remaining anonymous) She described the book as an opportunity for us working mommies to "escape from reality". A time for us to just get away and fantasize about a different life. But to me - this is much less of a fanatsy and much more of a nightmare. I was perfectly happy NOT knowing that this kind of thing even existed! I really don't need to know about some of these devices and I-don't-know-whats that this lady describes.

So - what to do? Should I go up and try to plow through my mommy-porn tonight? I don't think so. Poor PC. At first he was rather excited about the prospect of his wife reading this new, hot, sexy book. Imagine his pure disappointment when he found me in a lather - and not a sexy lather - a lather of ANGER - as I sat reading this book. Instead of a night of sexy, sexy the poor guy had to listen to me rant and rave about this book that took woman-kind back hundreds or even THOUSANDS of years!!! So much for mommy-porn.... 

I am the MEANEST Mommy EVER

Well Peeps - it's official. You can all breathe a sigh of relief. The title of Meanest Mom EVER has been taken. The crown rests upon my auburn head. And heavy is the head that wears the crown.

What did I do to earn this dubious title? Did I move us to a yurt in East Kabibble? Did I get rid of our Verizon Fios cable and internet package? Did I ban all Justin Beiber CDs from the house? NO! NO! NO!

I had the sheer and utter audacity to take Bella to the orthodontist- right before Easter. Now, see if you can follow my logic with this. I figured - let's get the braces put on at the start of Easter break. This way, by the time we have to go back to school - all of the soreness and discomfort has passed and we can concentrate on what we need to concentrate on. PLUS, I'm home over break and if she is hurting, I'm here for her.

Well, apparently that reasoning doesn't cut the mustard. You see - apparently- what I was REALLY thinking was this: let's ruin Bella's life. Let's put braces on right before the biggest candy holiday of the entire year and torture Bella. AND let's make sure that the braces really, really,really hurt. Muah-hahahahahahahaha!!!!

Now I didn't even realize that's where I was going with this whole adventure in orthodontia - but apparently, that's where I was headed. At least according to one very miserable tweenager. So, rest easy Peeps. No matter WHAT you do this week - you will, in NO way, be as mean as me. Muhahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!

And the Winner is......

ME!!! And not me... Let me explain...

In what will go down in the history of my life as the most UN-FREAKING Believable UNFAIR "ALMOST" EVER - I did NOT win the Mega Millions Saturday night. And many of you are saying: "Well so what, Lady? Neither did I." And that is correct. But I really, truly ALMOST won! I came so, so, so very close, I could almost smell all of that money. How so, you ask?

Well, I was away at a conference all week - and although I wasn't terribly far away, I was committed to a series of events that would get me home very late at night and required me to be back very early every morning - so I stayed in the hotel...in Baltimore County, MD. Home of one of the lucky Mega Millions winners. On Tuesday afternoon - the day of the 1st big Mega Millions drawing - I realized that I did not have a ticket. So, after the conference set-up, I got in the car and drove around to buy myself a ticket. I had a few other errands to do - so I did them and stopped at a 7-Eleven and bought $10.00 worth of tickets on my way back to my hotel. The SAME 7-Eleven where the winning ticket was purchased this past Friday night!!!!!!!!!!! Why, you may ask, didn't I buy my tickets at this 7-Eleven AGAIN on Friday? Well, that is the question of the weekend, Peeps! WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?????????? WHY did I decide to buy my ticket at Giant instead of going back to 7-Eleven? Who knows? Who the heck knows? All I can say is that the Mega Millions were not meant for me and mine this time..... But , I am happy to report that I did win $9.00 - which still kind of sucks because I bought $10.00 worth of tickets...so I am still down by a dollar.

And boy -  I had me some plans for all of that money! Who didn't? I must admit, the BEST part of these Mega Millions jackpots that we see every so often is that even the most cynical among us takes a moment and allows herself to dream - and dream BIG! I was at a dinner with some very lovely ladies on Thursday evening, and of course - the cocktail hour chatter revolved around "What would you do...". Everyone had plans, dreams, hopes - and I LOVE that! No one said: "Oh, I didn't buy a ticket because you know that your odds of getting bitten by a shark are better than your odds of winning!" Every one of those ladies had a dream. A FUN dream at that! Of course we would all pay off our bills, set our kids up for life, set up a lovely retirement fund, give a ton to charity and to church.....but after that you'd still have GAZILLIONS of dollars left! What would you do with ALL of that money??? Well - after much thought - I give you the:

 Busy Momma Mega Millions List:

1. First of all - I'd split the money with Fifi - 50/50. We made this promise to one another when we were young girls with narry a crow's foot, and we intend to honor that promise. So, in reality - I'd only have HALF of a gazillion dollars left.

2. I would call Manolo and Christian and have them take molds/casts/measurements of my feet. Then I would have them create a custom line of shoes - just for me! And one of the pairs of shoes would be ENCRUSTED with diamonds! REAL diamonds - real ones. And I would wear these shoes to the Grocery store and to Target - just once to say that I did it. And then I would put them away and pull them out ONLY on fat days and wear them to feel better about feeling fat. 

3. I would buy myself a house on a beach somewhere. Somewhere secluded and quiet - but not so secluded that my friends couldn't get there easily. I'm thinking a nice Cape Cod beach house. And I would deecorate it ENTIRELY in WHITE, light blue and yellow - because when the kids ruined the white sofa - I could just order a new one!

4. I would get a complete surgical body makeover - the whole shebang! Boob job, liposuction, I'd get some of that pesky underarm jiggle taken care of, I'd have my fat knees sculpted, I'd get a Brazillian Bum-Bum - I am telling you - the whole thing peeps. In Lucern, Switzerland! That way as I am laying recouping I could look out at the Alps and the water in Lake Lucern and be happy....plus I have heard that the pain meds in Switzerland are FABULOUS!

5. I would have an 80's party to celebrate my new found riches. And I mean the BEST 80's party ANYONE has EVER thrown. I would spare NO expense. I would BUILD a Roller Rink in my new backyard - 'cause I would have a new mansion with a nice pool and guest cottage - and that party would be IN the Roller Rink. Then I would hire the BEST 80's bands to play - Pat Benatar, Bon Jovi, Air Supply, Men at Work, Billy Joel, Hall and Oats, The Cure, Depeche Mode, INXS (I'd have to bring Michael back from the dead for that one), Billy Idol, MADONNA, Genesis, The Police and REM! They would ALL perform on the roller rink stage and we would ALL be wearing glow sticks and roller skating or dancing. AND I would pay my cousin Mary Ellen O'Leary to teach EVERYONE how to pony - because she is the BEST 80's dancer I have ever seen! Seriously - when we were little, I could NOT understand why she was not a Solid Gold dancer. She could pony better than ANY of those girls.

6. I would pay the Orioles to let PC be on the team for a whole season! (And the way they have been playing recently - it might work out well for them!) And that way - I'd officially be the BEST WIFE EVA!

7. Wait a minute - I'd BUY THE ORIOLES for PC!!!! THEN I'd be the best wife EVA!

8. I would allow the orthodontist to take Bella's braces off and replace them with Invisalign - as she is begging me to do. She is NONE to pleased to be getting the braces and doesn't seem to understand that braces are terribly expensive and that Invisalign is TWICE as expensive and not at all covered by my insurance plan. This way, I would have a happy tweenager instead of one who swears that after this coming Thursday - she will "Never smile again until the braces come off." She also finds it quite ironic that she is getting braces at the same time we remember the passion of Christ - for now she will "truly understand" what the Lord must have gone through. (Seriously - I cannot make this stuff up.)

9. I would have someone build a working Millenium Falcon for Jack. This is what he requested should I hit it big - a working Millenium Falcon that we could "fly" him back and forth to school in. I will even admit - that would be pretty cool. Although landing it at SMS during drop-off every morning would be kind of tricky. And forget about trying to park it in the pick-up line. I'd probably have to build a landing pad somewhere.

10. I would take all of my friends and family on the best trip ever! I would rent a Disney cruise ship AND the entire Disney Park in Florida so that we could all go down, enjoy the parks without the horrible crowds and then cruise away and relax!   I would also hire several dozen nannies - to take care of the children and to run them around the parks while the grown ups lounged around the pools.....

So - Peeps - what do you think? Pretty cool plans - huh? So - here is my question to you: What would YOU do if you hit it big?????