ZZZZZZ......ZZZZZZZ.....ZZZZZZZZ

My friend Hermione once told me something about love that has stuck with me for many years. She said: "Do you know how I know without a shadow of a doubt that I love my husband? It's because I have YET to smother him in his sleep. There are nights when I look over at him while he snores like a lumberjack and think: "It would be so very easy to murder you right now with this pillow. But I won't do it. Because I love you." That's how I know."
And I get it - my goodness - how I get it!

See peeps, this is me. This is my night life. Around midnight, 12:30 every single day of my life, I am awakened by a sound that is SO LOUD, I am shocked that the neighbors do not complain. PC snores like a wild boar is trapped inside of him, screaming to escape. This noise is not a normal snoring sound. Oh no - it is SO loud and SO intense, that it has woken both children who sleep in different rooms, with their doors closed to muffle out the snoring. No joke. They both sleep with their doors closed and music playing to muffle out the melodious sounds of their daddy "sleeping". How this man is able to sleep through his own snoring is one of life's great mysteries.

I take that back. We are talking about the man who was able to sleep through the agonized wails of vomit-covered, feverish babies here. He can sleep through anything.

I know what you are saying: go to the doctor, get a sleep study, get a CPAP machine, revolutionize your life. Oh, my friends, my naive friends, if only my life's problems were that easy to solve. PC, under direct threat of divorce and castration - Bobbit style - has seen the doctor and has had no fewer than 2 sleep studies. And guess what? That little %$#@)_*&^%$#-(*&^%%$$!!!!! DOESN"T SNORE IN A SLEEP STUDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Son of a motherless goat! So there is nothing the doctor can do. My husband sleeps like a baby while hooked up to 50 electrodes...but in his bed - snores like a wild animal. 

I am at the "bat-shit crazy" point of coping with this. Last night I actually used my iPhone to RECORD him snoring at 12:08 am. And I got MAD that his snoring wasn't loud enough. Then when it did get to the trapped black bear in a cave loud, I started whispering: "Do you see? Do you SEE what I have to put up with every effing night? I am going to smother you with this pillow if you do not shut the fu%$ up right now!"  Then I stopped taping and started thinking about how basically, if he did just kick the bucket right then and there, the Po-Po would basically have a taped confession and I'd wind up in prison. And how I bet it would really be all like Orange is the New Black, and would I be forced to become a lesbain in prison? And if I didn't, would I be looked upon as a snob? Like I thought I was better than everyone else? So maybe I would become a nun in jail - no one effs with the nun on OITNB. That's what I will do, I'll find religion and be all "I'm way above prison sex" to avoid the whole lesbian thing. 

Yes, this was my exact thought process at 12:15 am. I was like a CRAZY person. Like a heroin addict - only instead of looking for a hit, I was looking for a few, uninterrupted hours of sleep...in SILENCE!!!! So then I punched PC - pretty hard - and asked him to flip over onto his other side. And do you know what that humdinger did? He went:"hmmmulllhmmnn" and stayed in the same position!!!! AND WENT BACK TO SLEEP!

That man is lucky to be alive this morning - that is all I am saying. My new plan involves taking my recording - sans the murder threat - I will edit that out - to the doctor with him. Explain that basically this is a life or death situation. In other words - this man WILL DIE if he does not stop snoring. And beg the doctor to give him a CPAP MACHINE!!! If he doesn't, my next plan of attack is to steal someone else's machine and hook it up to my husband while he sleeps. If he fights it - I will give him a choice - CPAP or Pillow. Either way - this snoring is going to stop.

Remember: As Far as ANYBODY Out There Knows - We are a NORMAL Family!

Hi Peeps! How did it get to be July 20th? Wasn't it June 20th a few days ago? Why does the summer go by so fast? I guess the old saying is way too true: Time flies when you're having fun! Busy Momma and her crew are having a great summer. We have spent a lot of time soaking up the sun and just relaxing. Vacation was great, Cape Cod was amazing and now we are home, determined to jam as much fun into the rest of our summer break as humanly possible.

Which leads me to the title of this post. What is "NORMAL" really? What is a "normal" family? One of my kids informed me that our family is, indeed, NOT normal. When asked about this, said child said something like: "Well, you know, the whole Jake the talking dog thing is really not normal."

OK, she has a point.

First off, I'd like to establish this right off the bat - Jake does NOT talk. We all know that Jake is a dog and therefore cannot talk. However.....

PC is totally to blame for this. Totally, 100% to blame. He started it. You see, one night, long ago, Jake jumped into our bed and took over PC's spot. I mean, head on pillow, under the covers, in the bed. It was funny, we laughed, took pictures and then, PC was really ready to come to bed and told Jake to move. And being the ever-obedient dog that he is, Jake stayed put and just looked at PC. So, after a few attempts, PC picked him up and put him in his crate and headed into the bathroom to brush his teeth. Unfortunately, he must have forgotten to latch the door because about 3 seconds after the bathroom door shut - Jake was back in the bed. Now, I know that I could have and probably should have put the dog back in the crate - but I was laughing too hard. So now, when PC came out of the bathroom - he had 2 choices. Either get really angry or laugh it off. Thankfully, he laughed it off. And before putting Jake back in the crate, he did something that would forever alter the course of our life as a "normal" family. He started to talk for Jake. It was as if we put one of those dog voice boxes from the movie "Up" on Jake and all of a sudden we could hear him speaking to us. PC adopted this silly, whiny voice and said: "Oh but I want to sleep with Mommy. Daddy you get to sleep here all of the time and I have to sleep in the stinky crate. Daddy you need to sleep in the stinky crate and let me snuggle with Mommy."

Was it funny? Yes - hilarious. Did I expect it to become a daily occurrence? Not so much. But it did. Jake talks to us each and every day. And PC is NOT the only "dog interpreter" in this family. Nope - the two kids also take part in this foolishness. They apparently know when he wants a treat, when he wants to play ball versus frisbee. They can tell me when he is scared, what he is growling about: "Oh Mommy, that little fluffy puppy walking by outside looks so yummy...let me out so that I can eat her....plu-ease...." or: "Mommy...there is that scary mailman again...let's go get him please...." or - their all time favorite, reserved for when he looses his shit: "MOMMYYYYYYYYY - there is a BUTTERFLY in the yard!AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH......SAVE ME!!!! SCARY BUTTERFLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Yes, my dog is terrified of butterflies - don't judge...

As much as I want to believe that other families do this - they don't. I know they don't. Why don't they? Because talking FOR your dog is bat shit crazy - that's why. Do other families have special songs that they sing to their dogs every day? No says you? Well we do. Oh yes - the old doggie favorite: Scratch your Belly! Scratch your Belly! sung to the tune of "Hot Potato" by none other than PC's favorite band - The Wiggles.

I kid you not. This man comes home from work EVERY DAY and before he says "Hi" to anyone in the house - he sits down on the couch - where the dog is waiting and sings:
Scratch your belly, scratch your belly
Scratch your belly, scratch your belly
Scratch your belly, scratch your belly
your belly, your belly, your belly your belly...
(All while scratching said belly)

I will spare you the second verse of: Chase the kitty, chase the kitty...

The dog is SO used to this routine, he sits at the front door with his special caterpillar toy in his mouth, tail wagging, as SOON as the car pulls into the driveway. Then, when PC walks up the porch steps, he pees a little bit, (the dog, not PC) starts doing laps around the first floor, flies up the stairs, flies back down the stairs runs into the kitchen and leaps onto the couch waiting for his song.

I don't get a song. I don't get my belly scratched when PC comes home. And I gave him CHILDREN!!!

Lest you start thinking that our crazy is limited to the dog - let me draw your attention to another "not normal" thing we do on a regular basis: interpretive sand dancing. Now, to be fair, we stole the idea from one of my cousins, who shall remain nameless. Interpretive sand dancing has turned into a sporting event that does not even require sand anymore. Our version of interpretive sand dancing requires that the dancer select 3 cards: a subject card, a predicate card/action card AND an object card. These cards are created the night before and divided in appropriate categories. So, while at the beach, the dancer selects one card from each category and basically performs the action on the action card while pretending to be the subject. So for example, one might have to act out: "Upside down horseshoe crab running to catch seagull with sandwich in her beak." You can imagine the sight this creates on a crowded beach. Oh - and it must be done as a dance - in a fluid, interpretive motion.All while 3 people are screaming their guesses as to what you are doing at the same time.

Crazy - no?

We also partake in much smaller, less noticeable, yet not less crazy routines. There is "Talk Like a Kardashian Week" about once every 2-3 weeks around here. We also enjoy "Our Life is a Broadway Musical" nights, where we sing everything at each other. Well - to be fair, Belle and I primarily do this. The boys draw the line here. But we do make up some very funny ditties. My favorites being:

• Mom, We're  Out of Tampons: Sung to the tune of On My Own from Les Mis
• What's for Dinner Tonight: Sung to the tune of Little Shop of Horrors 
• You Won't Believe What Happened at Lunch Today!: An original composition

And let's not forget about the craziness we partake in for major sporting events like the World Series, Superbowl, Stanley Cup finals and so on. There are special menus, outfits, SOCKS, rituals and routines that I cannot even get into here because they are TOP SECRET and I would disappear never to be heard from again if I gave away any of the details. (I will say that the one thing ALL of these events have in common are nachos and motzy sticks.) 

I am sure there are a few other things that we do that other families might look at and think: "How do those people survive day to day activities - they are so strange!" But hey - we're happy. Besides, one man's crazy is another man's normal....right?????? And if you haven't tried it - Talk Like a Kardashian Week is really super fun......