Have you ever lovingly gazed into the eyes of your child and wondered "do these things really WORK?" I have - actually I've been pondering that question
a lot lately. You see, it seems that there is a little gremlin living among us here in the Ruffhouse and he likes to steal things. Now, while none of us have ever
seen this little goblin, we know that he must exist. How else can we explain how our things seem to disappear into thin air. I'm not talking about money, or food or even candy. Nope. This little guy seems to like stealing things like cell phone chargers and iPhones, iPods, shoes, sneakers, socks, Math books, American History books, calculators, pencils, pens and EVEN underwear! What chaos he creates with his mischievous ways. One cannot IMAGINE the yelling that occurs as we are trying to get out the door in the morning and someone can't find his sneakers. Or the battle that ensues when a cell phone charger goes missing. And when a book that we need for homework goes missing - well - that is just a sight. I imagine this little hobgoblin in some dusty cranny of my house, hidden away, well out of sight, smiling as he falls asleep listening to the soundtrack of his chaos.
It couldn't possibly BE that despite all of my BEST efforts to organize the people I live with they just don't GET IT? Despite the fact that there is a place for everyone's textbooks, homework books, incomplete projects, DIRT books, sneakers, cleats, shin guards, ice skates, iPod charging stations, color-coded chargers, these things disappear faster than candy on Halloween! And, please dear reader, understand that when I say "disappear", I mean that these things are NOT in their place. They ARE however in the house. And it seems that the ONLY person in this house who can find said items is......you betcha - ME!!!! Now, not to toot my own horn, but I am pretty good with finding things - or rather - figuring out where things are hiding. For example - a question like:"
MOM!!! WHERE IS MY FLATIRON???????" screeched at 7:05 am should receive an answer that sounds like this: "In the special caddy that is on the inside of your bathroom cabinet drawer - the one that was specially designed to hold a FLATIRON!!!" But instead, mom leaps into action. (And by "leaps" I mean takes another sip of coffee and walks to the bottom of the stairs.) My mom brain is racing and this is the internal dialogue I will have with myself: "OK, where is the flatiron? Well, it probably was in the bathroom yesterday because she had pretty flat hair yesterday. So, she ironed it in the bathroom, maybe carried it into her room? No, she'd have to go to all the trouble of unplugging it. So that's a negative. OK back to the bathroom we go. It must not be on the counter because she'd see it if it was there - so somehow, it has disappeared from the bathroom counter. OK - wait a minute, Jack uses the bathroom at 7:30 am and yesterday I heard him blow-drying his hair - so he must have taken the flatiron and done something with it - but what?"
Me: "Did you check the tub?"
Bella: "Why would it be in the tub?"- I can actually hear her eyes rolling in her head.
Me: "Why isn't it where it belongs??? LOOK IN THE TUB!"
Bella: "Told ya - not in the tub either"
Me: (doing yoga deep breathing to keep blood pressure low) "Look in your brother's room"
Bella: "WHY? Is he flat-ironing his hair these days? Can you just come up here and find it for me?"
Mary Mother of God help me.
Halfway up -
Bella: "Never mind."
Me: "Did you find it?"
Bella: "No. I just don't want to flat iron my hair today anyway."
Where was the flat iron, you ask? Hanging in Jack's closet being used as a hanger-like device for a pair of pants. Right next to.... 4 empty hangers....don't ask....
The point is - I found it. ME, MYSELF and I found it. And this seems to have become my new job of late - Chief Thing Finder. And to top it all off - my children s' eyesight seems to be deteriorating - although the eye doctor disagrees. They can't SEE things that are RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM!!! Don't believe me? Consider the following scene: Me, sitting on a PACKED airplane, delayed on the runway. I am sitting in the middle row, and my phone rings.
Jack: "Hey Mom?"
Me: "Hi Baby - what's up?"
Jack: "Um - do you know where the ketchup is?"
Me: "In the fridge"
Jack: "Where in the fridge? I am looking in the fridge and I don't see it."
Me: "OK - you know that I am on an airplane right now and can't actually SEE INTO the fridge, right?"
Jack: "Yeah, I just thought maybe you had the fridge memorized."
Or - consider this lovely scene:
Busy Momma: in the car, driving home in the pouring rain. The phone rings...
Jack: "Hey Mom"
Me: "Hey babe, what's up?"
Jack: "Where is my math book?"
Me: "What? your math book? How am I supposed to know where YOUR math book is?"
Jack: "Isn't that part of your MOM job? Knowing where things are?"
Me: "When I am 2 states away driving the car? Where did you look?"
Jack: "On the table. I SWEAR I left it there. Somebody moved it!!! Think Mom - think - where did you put it? Shouldn't it be in my wall pocket where it belongs?"
I can't take it....I really can't take it.
