Welcome to One Busy Momma! The Blog for Busy Moms by one Busy Mom.....

Welcome to my blog. One Busy Momma is my space to rant about my life and the things that happen in it. I have a crazy life - and instead of focusing on the crazy - I like to focus on the funny. Because if I focused on the craziness - well, I'd have been shipped off to an institution long, long ago. And while, I'll admit, there are some days when being institutionalized sounds PRETTY GOOD compared to making ANOTHER diorama at 1am - I'd rather be right where I am - in my messy house with my not so perfect kids making crooked dioramas in the middle of the night.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Well..it's been real Peeps!

Well, hello there loyal readers. I am writing what might very well be my last blog post ever. I'm not sure if you all are aware of this - but APPARENTLY, the world is about to come to an end. No kidding. Happy Saturday!

IMAGINE my surprise when, this past Wednesday, I was driving to work, minding my own buisiness, and what do I hear on SIrius radio but a discussion about The Rapture and Judgement Day and the Second Coming of Christ - and holy cow - it's all happening on May 21st! Now, I wasn't listening to some sort of Holy Roller station - I was listening to STARS. I just subscribed to satelite radio and I'm still getting familiar with the stations but STARS seems to be just a mash up of famous people with radio shows. So the show I was listening to featured 2 guys - Opie and Anthony "Lite" type guys - funny but not disgusting. And these guys were talking about how according to some right wing conservative  Christian group, the Rapture will take place on May 21st, 2011 and the world will come to an end on October 21st, 2011. Apparently these people read the bible literally and use it as some sort of calendar to predict major events.

Well butter my butt and call it a biscut, because I had NO idea. I mean none. We only have 8 days left Peeps. Well, let me reframe that - SOME of us only have 8 days left. The rest of us - those who are still here on the morning of May 22nd- are basically screwed.

Or ARE we???????

Here's my take on this...and my plan. Listen, those of you who know me know that I'm basically a good person. However, I have my faults...overall snarkiness, a bad attitude sometimes, I enjoy me a cocktail or 7, I can swear like a sailor and let's just say this: come after me or one of mine and I will DESTROY you with my razor sharp tongue and poisoned pen. (That should make some of you laugh very hard this week.) And let's not even discuss my views on gay rights or any other topic that, according to these Christian folks, will send me STRAIGHT to hell and damnation. (Along with all of my closest friends) So, if we are to believe these guys - I'm still gonna be here on May 22nd with all of my gay and lesbian friends, my Jewish pals, the Muslim brotherhood, anyone who believes in science and the value of research and Lady Gaga. Now, at first, this upset me. But now, I'm kind of seeing this as an opportunity rather than a tragedy.

Here are my thoughts - if I'm left behind...I'm going to LIVE it UP! First thing I'm doing is learning how to hot wire a car. Then, I will find the home of someone who has been raptured - or whatever the heck we will call it, and I'm "borrowing" their car. Now, I have a friend who happens to have a Porche. He's a good guy. Chances are - he's going to go. So, I am asking him NOT to have his car keys anywhere on his person on May 21st. That way, if he does go - the keys to the Porche are still here and I don't have to waste time learning how to hot wire.

Next - I am finding the most AWESOME house I can - pool, jacuzzi, tennis courts, state of the art sound system- and I'm MOVING in. I'm bringing my suitcases, my kids and PC and we're in like Flynn. I'll immediately change all of the locks and I will guard my new house like a hungry pitbull guards a Porterhouse steak.

Then - I'm partying like it's 1999. Seriously - why not? If we're all going to hell anyway - why not DESERVE it? Gluttony and  Debauchery every night! I'm pulling the kids out of school - because God knows, I don't want to spend the last 6 months of my life worrying about book reports and Social Studies tests. We will travel and live it up. I mean we might as well go out in style!

Now, there is ALWAYS the possibility that I am wrong and that I will be swept out of my shoes and just ascend into heaven in Blessed Mother style. And I've gotta say - that would be pretty freaking AWESOME! Although...I don't want to be literally swept out of my shoes. I really like my shoes. Especially my new pink patent leather peep toe pumps. I'd hate to leave those puppies behind. Anywho... if that DOES indeed happen - here's the plan. We need a meet up point in heaven. Hermione and I spoke about this at length yesterday. Hermione seems to assume that she's going straight up - no judgement here - but she's pretty confident - that's all I'm saying. And she doesn't swear as badly as I do - so she does have a better shot than me. Anyway - we agreed to meet in the shoe department of the heavenly Nordstroms. We think that in heaven, there is a Nordstroms with the most amazing shoe department ever. And all of the most beautifully impossible shoes you could imagine will fit you, be comfortable AND will be GIVEN to you. (It is heaven!) So, Fifi, Hermionie, Glynnis, Sookie, Her Awesomeness and Xena will ALL be there when you arrive. DON'T go to the Juniors shoe department - we will be in the big girl department looking at Manolos, Jimmy Choos, Loboutins and so on. None of those Steve Madden cheapies. $500.00 a pair and UP in heaven. I will be the one wearing the diamond encrusted 6 inch stilettoes. Fifi will be instantly recognizable by the offbeat yet incredibly fashionable, incredibly high heels she will undoubdtedly be sporting, Glynnis will be recognized by her sheer regal height - she's already 6 foot without heels - she will be towering over all of us in her 6 inch spikes. (She will also be getting shoes off of high shelves for me.) You will recognize Sookie by the tasteful, yet elegant and refined pumps she will select. I'm thinking a timeless black patent leather pump by Louboutin with hot red soles. Xena will be wearing Dansko Clogs - cause she loves them and even in heaven - she's staedy as a freaking rock and will remain true to herself. Her Awesomeness will be recognizable by...well, let's face it - her sheer, unadulterated awesomeness. No doubt she will be running the show up there, making sure that everyone gets what they want, no one - like me - hogs the diamond shoes and that no one has to wait in line. She will also know exactly where to go to get matching sexy dresses that do NOT require any type of Spanks-like garment underneath to make you look 10 pounds thinner. Knowing HA - she will already have a map of the heavenly Nordstroms in her purse. And Hermione will be the one arguing with me. I will be saying:
"GET the diamond shoes! It's HEAVEN for God's sake! They don't cost anything! For ONCE in your LIFE do something CRAZY!!!"
And she will say:
"I don't care - they are a waste. I won't wear them. I'm getting these Puma sneakers. That's it. I don't need anything else. And where are YOU going to wear Diamond shoes? How will you walk to the ballfield to watch Jack and Aiden's games in those? Get a freaking pair of sneakers and Give those diamond shoes to Bella ."

So Peeps - this might be goodbye...for now. Hopefully we will all meet again in the heavenly Nordstrom's. If not - head up to my neck of the woods. Listen for the soulful sounds of Jon Bon Jovi blasting late into the night. Watch for the unmistakable flashes of disco ball lights...follow the gloria Gaynor song you hear...and you will find Busy Momma and all of her friends rocking in the rapture....

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Happy Mothers Day!

Well Hiya Peeps! Happy Mother's Day to all. I just LOVE Mother's Day - I really do. And I'll tell you why...it's the ONE and ONLY day of the year that I feel absolutely NO guilt for doing EXACTLY what I want to do ALL DAY LONG! I mean EXACTLY what I want to do. So, if that means puttering around in my "garden" - then so be it. If that means lounging on the back deck and reading a book while PC does the laundry- then SO BE IT! If that means watching a REAL Housewives Marathon all day long then...well, you get the idea. It's AWESOME!!!! And I hope all of my readers enjoy this luxury tomorrow as well.

Now for those of you reading who are STILL hemming and hawing about what to get Mom tomorrow - never fear - Busy Momma is here!!! I have a plethora of  gift giving RULES and ideas and for Mom...or Wifey...

OK - first of all - the RULES:

1. Men - I realize that your wife is NOT your mother. And therefore, a few of you...especially those of you who might be new to this whole "parenthood" business...actually might be thinking: "Wait - she's not MY Mom...you mean I have to get my WIFE a gift?" Oh yes Friend - OH yes you do. An here is why: YOU put that baby in her belly and hopefully, you watched it come out. And I'm here to tell you that oh yes - it REALLY did hurt as much as it looked like it did. SO - especially if you actually uttered the question stated above - Get thee to a jewelry store. And hurry up about it.

2. Not to get all "Tiger Mother" on your butts...but here's the thing. We all LOVE and ADORE the handmade stuff our kids make for Mother's Day. THINK about this BEFORE tomorrow morning. Because if you tell them to make her a card tomorrow morning, one of two things will happen:

A. Your kids will run to the printer, grab a sheet of paper and SLOPPILY write "hapy mofers day mom. we lov u! xoxoxo" in blue pen in about 30 seconds. Again - not to be all TIGER MOTHER...but really? Are we supposed to ooohhh and aaahhh over that piece of crap? Really? Here is what you do...have them make the card tonight. Have them draw a picture on the outside...and color it. With different colors. And then have them write something sweet inside using BEST HANDWRITING. (But don't help them spell - 'cause we go all gooshy brained over cute misspellings.)


B. Your kids will break open every "VORBODEN" art supply known to mankind if they realize that DAD is large and in charge. I'm talking glitter, FLOAM, Playdough, Moon Sand, an embossing gun and the hot glue gun - all at the same time. Tomorrow morning is NOT the time to have the kids get out the glitter and glue and paint and markers and make a cute card. Because while the card will undoubtedly be adorable....the kitchen will be destroyed and wifey will have a nervous breakdown when she sees the utter destruction. And this will INEVITABLY lead to a fight that the children will no doubt remember with fondness and a clever name like: "The Mother's Day Meltdown of 2011" ....or "The Mother's Day that Mom went all RAMBO on Dad's Ass"...or "The Mother's Day Massacre". None of those names hint at a good outcome. That's all I'm saying.  

3. This should really not ever have to be said...but because I love my male readers...all 3 of them - I'll say it. A household appliance does NOT a Mother's Day gift make. Yes, I understand that she saw the GD thing at Target and said: "OH wow - that would make my life easier." And yes, I understand that YOU might jump for joy at a thingy that backs up all of the crap on your computer. And yes, once again, I understand that she mentioned the chicken cooker thingy she saw at BJs and she says that you never listen to her and that this chicken cooker gift will prove that you DO INDEED listen. Yup - I got it. But just trust me on this one...we DO NOT want anything that we have to plug in. (Unless it is an I...fill in the blank and she SPECIFICALLY SAID "I want this I...fill in the blank for MOTHER's DAY." Seriously...just trust me.)

Now - for the fun part...gift ideas!!! What do we REALLY want? What would ANY mom enjoy tomorrow??? Well, it's a simple formula for Mother's Day happiness:

SHOW her how much she is appreciated. And by SHOW her...I don't mean with hallmark cards and diamonds. (Although those things are nice and will undoubtedly be appreciated.) But SHOW her that you understand and appreciate all that she does. Make the breakfast in bed, bring her coffee and flowers. Let her sleep in and stay in her jammies all day if that's what she wants. Make it easy for her to do the things that SHE likes to do for herself - be it taking a bike ride or planting flowers or reading a book. Do the grocery shopping, the laundry or the cleaning for her. Give Mom a day off and encourage her to just enjoy the day. In reality - that's all we really want. Sincerity doesn't cost a thing - but it will get you the most bang for your buck!

So that's all. Busy Momma is off to fold laundry before her luxurious DO NOTHING DAY tomorrow! To all of my Mommy pals - have a WONDERFUL DAY!