Let's not lose hope my friends - change will come to the church, I have no doubt. WHEN that change might come remains a mystery. I guess we'll have to give this guy a chance to get his footing and see what he can do. He is kind of old and from what I've been reading, pretty conservative. (Well - what did we expect? A liberal red head with big boobs? The boys in Rome aren't quite ready for me yet.) I wasn't really surprised when my pals began calling me this afternoon to report that, indeed, there was NO glitter to be found in St. Peter's Square.
So - what's a rejected Pontiff to do? Well, I had a couple of options. I could have finished off the big bottle of Pinot Grigio in the fridge. And that was tempting. But there was the possibility of having to help with 6th grade math homework looming on the horizon - so I thought better of that option. Instead, I decided to do EXACTLY what I would have done had I been elected and had the world watched in awe as pink and gold glitter emerged from the chimney of the Sistine Chapel. Here's what I did:
Had I been elected - the Dean of Cardinals would have asked me if I accepted and I would have said: "Accepto"
So, I said that - to the dog - and let me tell you - he was VERY impressed with my ability to speak such fluent Latin. (Thank you Mr. Kahlemberg.)
Then, the newly elected Pontiff selected his name - so I decided that I would have been "Pope Mary Magdeline I"...cause I have a feeling she was one kick-ass, take-no-prisoners type of gal. And I like that.I think we need that in a Pope.
Then - and this is the weird part - the new Pope goes into the "Room of Tears". Which is a tres disturbing image if you ask me. If I HAD gotten elected I would have been partying like it was 1999. There's no crying in baseball! But - whatevs...who am I to mess with tradition? Apparently, the Pope goes into the "Room of Tears" and picks out the right size of Papal Vestments...Small, Medium, or Large.So, I went into my own personal Room of Tears - the bathroom -named The Room of Tears because that is where the scale lives - and I tried on 3 pairs of pants:
1 pre-Katie pregnancy pair: Size: 8 petite
1 pre-Will pregnancy pair: Size: 10 regular
1 Peri-menopausal pair: Size: I really need to do something about this...
And hence - the room became A Room of Tears.
Then, the new Pope goes to pray all by himself in the Pauline Chapel.
Well - As I was still crying in the Room of Tears - and as I was putting on my super-duper strong SPANXX to try to get the Size 10 pants to fit over my peri-menopausal derriere, I just stayed there. And I prayed. My prayer went something like this:
Dear Lord
God of all that is good and great
Father of us All
Please bless and guide our new Pope
Pretty cool that he's a Jesuit - thanks for that
I mean if it couldn't be me yet - a Jesuit was a nice way to go.
Kudos Holy Spirit.
Kinda disappointed that he didn't go with the name Ignatious or Loyola - but Francis is pretty cool
you know - on account of the animals.
Anywho... as you and the HS are guiding this guy - a few ideas:
Maybe you can kind of open his eyes to the fact that women can make a substantial and meaningful contribution to the church
So maybe the time is right for female priests
I mean women do kind of run the world - the REAL world
So I'm sure we could run a parish
I mean look at Oprah and Hillary
That's all I'm saying - you know what we can do
Enlighten the boys - ok?
Oh - and can you also do something for my gay brothers and sisters?
I mean really - can you imagine Jesus turning them away from his church because of who they LOVED?
I know - right?
So let's get this situation fixed -pronto
There's a lot more to pray for - but there's a lot of people praying right now - so I don't want to hog up all of your time.
A few more action items however - real quick:
1. Can you please stop the management of the Ravens from releasing the entire darn team? I mean for your sake! It's getting ridiculous here in BMore. It's almost like someone made a deal with your nemesis to get us the Lombardi trophy. If things keep going the way they are going - it's going to be Joe Flacco and random people from the streets playing football next fall. And that will really stink. I mean you already let Ray Ray retire...isn't that enough? You had to take Bouldin away the same year? What's the plan?
2. Umm - can you please help me in my current situation? It seems that these Spanxx that I acquired BEFORE my last pregnancy have really shrunk and funny thing - I am kind of stuck in them. Like they are halfway up and halfway down and my legs are bound together down here. Which is kind of funny except that I really have to pee now AND I have to get to the bus stop in 5 minutes. I'm seriously stuck here and I will be horrified if my kid walks home from the bus stop and walks in on me, stuck in my Spanxx, sitting in a puddle of my own pee. So if you could just help me rip this seam here... or just rip these suckers apart with thine almighty hand that would be kind of great....
Thy will be done - Amen
PS - any minute now would be kind of great
Oh - and can you please strengthen my bladder a bit...especially if you're not going to help me out of this Spanxx bind...
