FRANKENSTORM 2012!!!!!!!!!!!

Batten down the hatches my Peeps! The storm of the century MIGHT be upon us! Holy CRAP! By the looks of the grocery store parking lot - you would think that we were facing a zombie apocolypse instead of a Noreaster! The storm might hit the Mid-Atlantic at some point on Monday. It is FRIDAY and the stores are out of water and ice. Seriously people? Seriously?

I am all for being prepared. I am. I went to Target this morning and stocked up on toilet paper - in case we all get dysentary this weekend, we're covered. I got paper towels, tissues, paper plates and cups. I got 3 cases of diet soda, dog food, cat food and people food. I also got emergency brownie mix, cupcake mix and halloween Funfetti frosting. I also got a JUMBO bottle of Advil - because I know that if we lose power - my kids will drive me to headache central 15 minutes into the power outage. I also got coals for the grill. And wine - lots and lots of wine. PC will run and get cold cuts on Sunday - if there are any left! But some people are going NUTSO! Home Depot got a shipment of 50 generators last night. They were ALL gone by 8am. Sears also had generators...for $700.00. Say WHAT?????

Now I know that you are all super-duper smart and know to clean out your storm drains...whatever they are. And to clean out your gutters and redirect any water flow away from your home's foundation. However, Busy Momma has some unique storm preparededness tips for you all. These tips will help you ride out the storm in style.

First and foremost - have the proper supplies on hand. And by supplies, I mean wine and cheese. I suggest having a nice variety of wines - a nice Pinot Grigio is what I call a multi-purpose white. It goes with everything - from cheeses to pizza to hot dogs on the grill. It is your perfect storm white. If you are looking for a nice, storm-appropriate red - I would go with a nice Pinot Noir. I suggest the Sterling Vineyards Pinot Noir. It has a nice complexity but it is light enough to go with PB&J and grilled fare - like dogs and burgers. Now I am heading to Wegman's to get a nice cheese plate on Sunday. I suggest you all do the same. Pair your cheese plate with a nice baguette, some grapes and your wine and you have an electricty free meal my friends. Drink enough of the wine and you won't care if the power is out!

Pre-panning is the key to survival in these types of natural disasters. So - I plan on baking a pan of brownies and a batch of cupcakes on Sunday - before the storm hits. The brownies are for me. The cupcakes are for the kids. When the power goes out, and they discover that they cannot log on to Club Penguin or play Wii, they will need something to occupy their time. So - they can decorate cupcakes while PC and I drink more wine. I also plan on having some raw Tollhouse chocolate chip cookie dough on hand. This is also for me - and me alone. I find eating raw cookie dough to be calming to my nerves. I also do some of my best thinking while eating raw cookies and drinking cold milk. This will come in handy when I have to think about how to get the 12 inches of water out of my basement without my sump-pump -because it is broken and I forgot to call the guy to fix it. (In my defense - if we have no power - the stupid sump pump wouldn't work anyway - right?)

I also am a firm believer in the power of  positive thinking and making the BEST out of a BAD situation. So, while PC is bailing out the basement - I plan on using my time wisely. You know how they tell you to fill up the bathtubs with water? Well, I will. This way, I can use some of the water to soak my feet and give myself a wonderful home pedicure and foot treatment. I also plan on deep conditioning my hair, doing a home-facial and full-on hand treatment. So make sure that you have nail polish, polish remover, cotton, orange sticks, body butter, cuticle cream, a nice mask, a very hydrating moisturizer, and a deep conditioning treatment on hand. These, of course, are your basic beauty-storm supplies. If you still have these left from the last storm - then add the finishing touches, like cuticle oil, a parrafin machine, extra blocks of parrafin, heated mittens, scented eye pillows and a variety of body massagers and body oils and creams.

So - where does that leave us? I think we are all prepared. We have wine, cheese, essential food stuffs and basic at-home beauty supplies. OH - I forgot. books and candles. Now, depending on your situation - you want to make some very wise decisions over the next 24-hours when it comes to books and candles. These descisions will rely entirely on your husband and his behavior in the past few weeks:

 If your husband has been very, very good - I mean super-duper great...or if you've been a HUGE bitch for really no reason - then, here are my suggestions:

Candles: lots and lots and lots of small votive candles and larger lightly scented candles - all placed in the bedroom and around the bathtub.

Books: Fifty Shades of Gray trilogy, Bared to You  and other such smutty materials

Bonus Buy: Condoms...and lots of them.

If your husband has been a Jackhole lately, then I suggest a different approach:

Candles: heavily scented Yankee Candles - I suggest any one that has roses on the picture - placed right next to HIS side of the bed

Books: Anything by Naiomi Wolf or Gloria Steinam. Or The Vagina Monologues or the insert in the Tampex tampons box, the insert in the Monostat box or pages you've printed off of the internet about vasectomies or circumcision practices in the Middle Ages. Or the book: Re-Circumcision for Dummies. Any of those reading selections should do the trick.

In this case - you probably won't need the condoms -unless you're doing some sort of CRAZY arts and crafts project. (And if you are - send photos!) But you probably WILL need an extra roll of cookie dough to keep you warm when the power goes out.

So - that's it peeps. I hope we all survive this FRANKENSTORM! See you guys on the other end! I'm sure you will all be much more relaxed, your hair will be shiny and bouncy and your toes will look terrific!

Anybody Want a Dog?

Hi Peeps! This is going to be a quick one - busy night at Busy Momma's house. PC is away - again. He was away for work last week. THIS week he is away on pleasure. He was invited to play in the Roy Hobbs Worlds Series. For Baseball - for old guys. And he is SO excited! So - Busy Momma and Crew sent him packing - off to Fort Meyers Florida to play his heart out and HOPEFULLY come back in one piece. I don't care how the team does - I just want him back injury free. (That being said - he won his first game today and pitched the last 2 innings.)

So, I've been single parenting all last week and now all this week. And the kids have been pretty good. "Pretty" being the key word in that sentence. They are actually on my every last nerve today. They are in this fighting cycle - meaning, all they do is fight. And they do things to purposely set one another off - and I've had it. And they know it. So it is uncharacteristically QUIET here tonight as Busy Momma blew her top.But the kids aren't what is driving me absolutely STARK RAVING mad. As bad as the fighting has become - I can rationalize with them, I can talk to them, and I can pretty much control them. (And by "rationalize" and "talk" - I really mean yell and scream.) And they will eventually pay attention and stop the awful behavior - because I have banished them to their rooms. Unfortunately, there is ONE creature living on Foxborough Drive that CANNOT be rationalized with, that CANNOT be spoken to and yelling and screaming at him only adds to the Mayhem. Who is this awfuly behaved boy, you ask??????

Jake - or as we like to call him - DESTRUCTO-Dog! This dog is driving me CRAZY! I love him to death - don't get me wrong. But he is driving me out of my freaking mind! All he does is create mayhem. He wants EVERYTHING in his mouth. Remote controls, Wii remotes, pencils, pens, highlighters, crayons, telephones, glasses, sunglasses - you name it. He chews it. So far today he has eaten: at least 4 crayons, 3 pencils, a pen, a nice number of legos, and chewed on the Fios remote, the house phone, the Wii remote and God knows what else. It's become a little joke - if you can't find something - look in Jake's belly. It's probably there.

Now, I know what you're thinking - the dog is bored. He needs more exercise. OK - so, we take him out, the kids play with him until THEY are exhausted. We have TONS of Kong toys - the toys that you hide treats in and he has to work to get them out. We have a different toy for ever day of the week. We give him stuffed femur bones that he has to dig and get the yummies out of - you name the toy -he has it.He has toys to satisfy his urge to chew. He has toys that engage his mind. He has toys that engage his senses - he just wants to chew our stuff!

He is just SO naughty these days - I can't take it. I just can't. I wonder how much a plane ticket to the Roy Hobbs World Series is? Perhaps the Bel Air Red Sox need a team mascot?

I am the Worst Scout Mom Ever

Hi Peeps! How is everybody?  Fall is FINALLY here, and Busy Momma and her crew are looking forward to our annual trip to the pumpkin patch this weekend. As much as I love this time of year - the fall colors, the trips to the farm, Halloween and Thanksgiving...it is SUCH a busy time - isn't it? It seems like we are busy every night of the week and every day of the weekend. Between fall festivals, soccer, piano, Lego club, scouts, fall baseball...well the list goes on and on...we are swamped! And I feel like such a wuss for complaining - because PC really handles all of the sports stuff. He is the soccer coach and he is the one playing fall baseball. He also pretty much handles scouting - at least the outdoorsey stuff, like camping. My work schedule keeps me pretty busy in the fall. I have a lot of after school meetings and dinners that keep me from doing too much of the after school running around. So I really don't do all that much running around. I do more coordinating, scheduling, planning and "bossing" from the car and hotels and restaurants. And somehow - I still feel like this

I can barely keep it all straight. I am, quite literally, the WORST boy scout mom on the planet. Really - I do not jest. Girl Scouts were easy, easy. They earn a patch, you iron it on - BAM! You are the bomb.They are a Daisy for a year, a Brownie for a few years then a Junior and so on. Boy Scouts is a totally different animal. First of all - I know that we are some sort of animal scout. We are not officially a "BOY SCOUT" yet - but I'm not 100% sure of what animal we are. I know we are not a Tiger. That was year 1. I think we are a Wolf? Or a Bear? I know that we are definitely some sort of creature that might eat me if I go camping. Maybe we are a rabid ferrett? OK - probably not a ferrett. But God only knows at this point. And the patches - OMG. There are patches that go on the shirt. Then there are patches that DON'T go on the shirt. Then there are special patches that either I didn't buy, or we didn't earn or I forgot all about that he maybe should have, but doesn't. I noticed that he is missing a few patches from his uniform shirt tonight at the meeting. He was also missing his UNIFORM at the meeting because he convinced me that he didn't need to wear it to THIS meetings.

Then there are arrow points. I don't know what the hell they are - but he has a few and I don't know how he got them or what to do with them and I know that I don't have them all. And let's not even discuss the pins. I know that he earned them - but again - don't have the foggiest of what to do with them.
The belt loops are pretty easy to manage - you put them on a belt. Voila. Only we have the wrong belt. I don't think our belt is supposed to have a cute little tiger face on it. I think at this point it should have this on the buckle:

So I even have the wrong belt. I swear - it is amazing that we are not kicked out of this troop - I mean den or pack or coven. Not troop. I am ALWAYS behind the 8 ball with this scouting thing. We had a meeting tonight, and the AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL and PATIENT leaders who, for some reason, doesn't yet hate my guts for asking 8 million questions and forgetting to read and reply to emails, told us exactly what to bring. And I managed to remember everything. At the last minute, on the way out the door. We were supposed to bring pictures of the boys in uniform. Well, I, of course, didn't even have any recent pictures UPLOADED - so I printed out 4 pictures from an event 2 years ago! Then, she asked us to bring scrapbooking supplies. Now this is the real shame of the evening - I brought a tape runner - that I think was EMPTY and rusty scissors. RUSTY scissors - seriously. And what is even MORE shameful? I used to be a consultant for a scrapbooking company and I have TONS of scrapbooking crap in the house. Just not "scouty" scrapbooking stuff. The other moms all brought stickers and letters and boy-scout appropriate stuff. Like camping stickers that had tents and words like "The Great Outdoors" on them.I bought a sharp rusty implement of death - well, maybe not death - but tetanus. Definitely tetanus. And an empty tape runner. Shameful.

And Peeps - this is my BEST year EVER with scouts. Isn't that awful? I mean - what I just described is what I consider "on top of it". Jack is pretty disgusted with me I think. When I asked him if the other moms went camping - he looked at me like I had 10 heads and said - "Um - yeah. of COURSE they did!" and when I asked how everyone liked his brownie bites that he brought as his "camping dessert" he said: "Oh my GOD - we had this apple crisp that someone's mom MADE - and it was AWESOME!" I said "Well that's great! Did anyone eat my brownie bites?" and he said "I don't know I guess so. If not they can just go to Safeway and pick some up like you did."

Jesus.
I need to step up my game. But I don't know how. It's like I have a boy scout centric learning disability. I can't figure it out, I can't keep it all straight and for the life of me - I can't even remember what kind of animal he is supposed to be - never mind his den numbers and pack numbers. And that is AWFUL because they are ON HIS SHIRT! I think. Oh God - I hope I have them on his shirt...

Home, Home on the Range....

Good morning my Peeps! The Busy Momma crew is up nice and early this morning because the boys are getting ready to go camping with the Boy Scouts tonight. So PC is mowing the lawn and pulling out all of the camping gear and packing up.

Spitting out your coffee are you? SHOCKED the Busy Momma even HAS camping gear? Well, I certainly do. And by "I" , I mean PC does. I have absolutely nothing to do with it. You see, I will do anything, ANYTHING for my kids. I would gladly take a bullet for either one of them. I will sit at a sporting event in makeup melting conditions. I will even for forgo a much needed dye job or pedicure if need be. But the one thing I will not do - I will NEVER do...is camp out of doors in a tent.

Look at that picture. What does it make you think of? Now some of you might say: "camp fires" or "s'mores" or "great times". You know what it makes me think of?

Seriously - where are the people in this campground? INSIDE OF THIS BEAR - THAT'S Where!

Come on Peeps! The great outdoors are for...well, out-doorsey creatures. Like bears and mountain lions and rattle snakes. They don't WANT us just tramping into their homes and just pitching a tent in THEIR living rooms and building fires and cooking food in the middle of their bedrooms! I mean, imagine if a bear walked into YOUR home, built a fire in the middle of the living room and decided to put a human hand on a stick, roast it over an open flame and sandwich it between 2 graham crackers and a Hershey Bar? You'd be pretty pissed, right? I argue that human beings have NO BUSINESS camping out of doors. We belong inside, in beds, in a structure that has a floor. THINK about the lengths we take on a daily basis to protect ourselves from bugs. We have the perimeters of our homes inspected for them, we have or lawns and our foundations sprayed with pesticides, we set up bug zappers and light citronella candles to keep them away from us when we are partying out-of-doors. Yet, when we go camping - we invite them to crawl into our ears and other openings by SLEEPING IN THEIR BEDS with them! That's right - the GROUND is the BED of the BUG!

I don't understand what is WRONG inside the minds of you campers.  And I take SERIOUS offense with the Boy Scouts. I mean the Boy Scouts of America have been encouraging our children to become hardened criminals for YEARS now! That's right - Home Invaders of all of the out-doorsey creatures and bugs. And this crime spree has GOT to stop. I am making it MY mission to STOP the Boy Scouts of America from corrupting any more of our youth with this ridiculous notion of camping outdoors. With this blog post, I am launching my campaign: End the Cycle: Stop the Insanity 2012.:No More Home Invasions

And like any great reformer - I have a plan,. I have an alternative to this crazy, outdated Boy Scout approach to camping. Just take a look at the images I present and try and tell me that MY method is not superior to this:

So here is my alternative plan:

Now - this is a much more creature-friendly camp ground. Note the RAISED hardwood floor. Notice the lighting, the king-sized bed that is RAISED off of the floor and the rustic looking throw-rugs. This still gives the camper the best of the outdoors along with the safety and security of a bug-free sleeping zone.

Now, my other problem with camping in the wild is the lack of plumbing. I mean how does one wash the stink of the outdoors off? Well - voila...my solution. A beautiful pink claw-footed tub filled with hot, rose-scented waters by handsome men whenever a weary camper needs a soak.

I mean really - who would want to cook weiners over a smokey fire pit when you could have waitress service and eat off of fine china? I say it again my Peeps: Boy Scouts of America! STOP THE INSANITY!

So, as I send my boys off this evening, know that it is with a heavy heart. They do not agree with me. They claim that they would never agree to ANY of my plans and that they would never bathe while camping. They spew nonsense about communing with nature and how it is really "fun" to get dirty and how there are no bears or moutain lions on the St. Claire's farm where they have been invited to camp. Just fainting goats - whatever those are. PC thinks that I might need therapy to get over my "irrational" fear of camping outside. I argue that I certainly do not need therapy. Camping is DANGEROUS. People get EATEN by bears while camping. People who say things like: "There ARE no bears in this part of Maryland". I mean really - do you think that the people who DO get eaten by bears say things like: "Well, sure there are people eating bears out here! But going to sleep and hoping that they don't eat us is all part of the fun!" Do you think this guy said that?

From the Mouths of Babes...

Hi Peeps! Happy October. Fall is certainly in the air - FINALLY! I don't know about you guys, but I am MORE than ready to put away the shorts and pull out the sweaters and jackets. I am done with this sticky, humid, end-of-summer crap.

So, a good friend of mine recently revealed that she is expecting her first baby! And I couldn't be more excited for her! What an exciting time...once you get over the puking and the tender boobies and , well, the puking - pregnancy is really a magical time. Especially your first pregnancy. Everyone treats you like a rock star - well, at least everyone should. I mean you are only going about your daily business AND growing a whole, entire person in your uterus. It's nothing short of amazing! Every day brings a new experience and something to wonder about. Who will the baby look like? Is it a boy or a girl? Will the baby have my hair? I hope the baby will have my hair...I hope the baby doesn't have his hair...Oh God, what will we do if the baby has his hair? And is a girl? Oh crap - that will suck. I don't know how to do anything with that kinky, curly hair. The baby had better not have his hair, but it probably will...he's the whole reason why my head is in the toilet every morning that sonofa...

Oh wait - sorry.

OK - anyway, so this friend's announcement got me thinking about my life and my kids and how incredibly wonderful and rich my life is because of my kids. And how incredibly funny and messed up some days are because of these crazy little people who insist on calling me Mom. And I can't help but think about how different I am now that I am a mom. All moms know that their kids teach them - A LOT. Our kids teach us quite a bit about ourselves and the world around us. Once you squeeze that baby out, watch that baby lifted out of you or are handed that baby - you are fundamentally changed. You will never be able to sleep the way you were able to sleep before that baby was born. Moms are always listening - even when we're sleeping. You will forever more wear your heart on the outside of your body - and you would gladly trade your life for that baby's life. And on the other hand, you will develop this new, terrible fear of death - because your greatest fear will be leaving your baby to grow up without you.

But that's the stuff that everyone will tell you before you have the baby. It's in all of the books, it's on all of the baby shower cards - heck, it's all over Facebook and Pinterest too! That's not the point of this post. I want this post to be super useful. I want this post to really reflect the IMPORTANT lessons about motherhood and children I've learned over the past 11 1/2 years. So here goes - Busy Momma's Top Ten List of the Most IMPORTANT Lessons I've Learned from my Children:

1. The amount of puke coming out is not always equal to the amount of food/liquid that just went in. Babies, and kids for that matter can puke up A LOT. Like seriously, in the case of babies - twice their own body weight. (Disclaimer - even though Busy Momma has watched a great deal of Grey's Anatomy that in NO WAY makes her a medical expert. Even though she likes to think she is one. IF your child does indeed puke up a volume that you feel is equal to twice his or her body weight - it's probably prudent to call an actual doctor.) Busy Momma has seen children slowly sip two or three small, microscopic droplets of ginger ale and then IMMEDIATELY spew up at least a gallon or so of vomit. This does not, in any way, mean that death is imminent. At least it hasn't yet...

2. Never EVER believe a child who claims that:

• he has NO IDEA how that PERMANENT INK marker mark got onto the couch cushion.
• someone stole his Kindle Fire somewhere between the beach and home because he KNOWS he packed it.
• he is no longer lactose intolerant while on line at Cold Stone Creamery.
• he really won't get sick going on that roller coaster after eating an undetermined number of corn dogs at Hershey park.
• she really won't get scared in the Haunted House and HOWL the entire time you are in there screaming to be let out.
• Daddy said it was ok.
•  the teacher said that he/she didn't have to do that homework.
• somebody else's mom totally lets them ____ (fill in the blank - go to the mall by herself at 11, get something other than an earlobe pierced, stay up all night long, play Halo, watch The Ring...oh the list goes on and on and on.)

3. They will SUCK down their anti-biotic if the doctor calls it "Bubble Gum Soup".

4. You are IN NO WAY the WORST MOM EVER because you won't allow them to play with _____.(Again, fill in the blank - Bratz dolls - you know the ones that look like teeny tiny hookers with deformed lemur-like eyeballs. Or guns that look like real weapons of mass destruction or video games where people are killed or cars are stolen or violence is pointless and glorified.)

5. As soon as you are ready to leave on that magical weekend away that you planned with your husband, the one that was destined to help you reconnect and catch up on much needed sleep, one or both of your kids will get sick. So be sure to buy travel insurance.

6. Your definition of "clean" and their definition of clean is IN NO WAY THE SAME. A CLEAN body to them might not ever involve soap or shampoo -just a bit of running water.

7. Even though every single one of the 752 Barbies that live under the bed looks exactly the same to you - you can be assured that the one you decide to give to GoodWill because it looks like Pamela Anderson might look after a weekend retreat at a crackhouse is her "favorite". And you will NEVER hear the end of how you gave her "favorite" Barbie away.

8. Your husband will, inevitably, always be the good cop and YOU will always be the bad cop. This will happen because your husband will, one day, while you are in bed with a 104 degree fever, chills and a headache that feels like a tomahawk is lodged in your skull, decide that chocolate cake and ice cream is a perfectly acceptable breakfast treat. He will then take the kids to the movies - to get them out of the house so you can rest - and allow them to get the value sized Mountain Dew and sprinkle Pixie-Sticks on top of buttered popcorn. He will them take them to the jumpy place in town where they will spend 45 minutes jumping in various inflatable bouncy houses and immediately puke once they get back in the car. He will drive the puke covered kids home - in YOUR car- and wake you up by saying "Are you awake?" while shaking your fever ravaged body vigorously. When you peel open the one eye that is not crusted over, he will say something romantic like "I don't want you to panic or anything, but theoretically, if puke is coming out of the nose as well as the mouth - and it's kind of a neon green color - is that a really bad thing? Oh and when did we have broccoli? Wasn't that like last week? " And then, once you have everyone cleaned up, laundry in the machine and soup on the stove, he will look at you and tell you how freaking exhausted he is AND that he thinks the kids have some kind of hyper activity problem and that YOU should really get that checked out.

9.  They will totally humiliate you out in public by using your own words against you. For example, while at the mall, your darling little girl might look at a morbidly obese person driving a motorized scooter and shout out something along the lines of: "OOOHHH NO MOMMY! Look at that fat guy! He must be makin some real bad choices! Too many cookies for dat guy!" Or perhaps your little boy might see an elderly gentleman wearing an eyepatch while eating lunch at Subway and point to him and say "Oh Look Mom! A Pirate! Just like Jack Sparrow!" and before you can do anything - he runs up to this clearly aggravated fellow and says "ARRRGGGHHH Matey!" That was a fun day...

10. You probably can't really screw them up too too badly if you are really doing your best. Will they all need therapy one day? Yeah probably - but don't we all? If you do your best, keep your wits about you and roll with the punches - chances are, the kids will be ok. At least that's what I keep on telling myself!