The mouths of babes.....

What is it they say about kids? They say the funniest things? Well, this week, at my house, they have said the funniest, nastiest, most disturbing and most ridiculous things we have ever heard! It's like our two children have lost their minds. Or, like PC says: It's like being the wardens in the insane asylum. I don't know if it's the heat, or the fact that they have been trapped inside more than normal because we've been having these rolling thunder storms...or the stars are misaligned or what - but my children have gone bonkers and I don't like it one bit!

It all started innocently enough. Monday morning, Jack woke up pretty early and came into my bed for a nice early morning snuggle. This rare treat is one of my favorite left-over rituals from the baby-days. Both kids would wake up early for that 5am feeding and then we'd snuggle up and cuddle and go back to sleep for a bit. Jack still wanders in every now and then, cuddles up and drifts off to sleep for an hour or two before he wakes up ready to face the day. So, you can imagine my surprise this past Monday when he came in, turned over to face me and had a very serious and disturbed look on his face. I folded him into my arms  and asked:
"What's wrong Bud? Bad dream?"
And, in his very serious little old man voice he replied:" Um, I don't know how to say dis without soundin' mean - but it's time to go to da spa and get your moustache waxed off again Momma."
And, with a fart and a yawn, he proceeded to snuggle into his hairy beast of a mother and drift off to sleep.

What a nice way to start the week - and it only gets better from there.

He is on a very serious tattle-tale bender. He tattles on everyone - all of the time. And when I say everyone - I mean everyone. Of course he tattles on Bella - that's a no brainer. But he tattles on the babysitter, the babysitter's boyfriend, the boyfriend's mom, his friends, his friend's moms, my parents and - and this is the best - on PC!!! He tattles on his own father. Sells his ass right out to me.
"Mom, Daddy said the 'S' word!"
"Mom, Daddy said God Damnit again!"
"Mom, Daddy gave us soda and we're not supposed to have soda. And he gave us soda twice. Hehehehehehe."
"Mom, Daddy forgot to (fill in the blank) even though you told him to do it three times before you left and then after you left he said 'why don't you tell me one more time in case I'm really retarded like you seem to think I am' and he forgot to do it anyway. Hehehehehehehehe"

OK - that last one was really funny actually.

And then there is Bella...

Jack is looking forward to a trip to New York at the end of this month. My brother has given him tickets to a NY Yankees game - and Jack is anticipating this event the way a child anticipates Christmas. He is counting down the days, he tells everyone he encounters that he is going to "New York City to the New York Yankees "Stamium" to see the New York Yankees play a Yankees game". The maillady knows about the trip, the dry cleaner knows, every life guard at the pool knows, every camp counselor knows, every neighbor knows, the checkout lady at the grocery store knows - pretty much everyone in town knows that Jack is headed to New York to see a game. Of course, every time Jack gleefully informs someone about the upcoming trip - Bella's nose gets a bit out of joint. It's not that she's never had such a trip - in fact - she has had SEVERAL. It's that this particular trip is all about Jack. Hmmph. This is highly unacceptable to Bella. So, she has come up with a plan for her OWN trip to New York. And in what I can ONLY attribute as a passive-aggressive, "Eff-You" to my brother, who is persona-non-grata after having the sheer audacity to arrange this Yankees game trip for Jack (as he has arranged the Mary Poppins, Beauty and the Beast, Museum of Natural History, American Girl Place and Little Mermaid trips in years past for the princess), she has deemed this trip "Katie and the Aunties Weekend of WONDERMENT". The "Aunties" in question are my newly minted sister-in-law and her sister, whom Bella has adopted as her new fairy godmother and honorary "Auntie"  - like it or not. When questioned about what exactly a "weekend of WONDERMENT' enatils - my darling girl calmly replied that a weekend of wonderment would probably start with :" a trip to a nice spa to get one of those treatments where they put cucumbers on your eyes and all of that gloop on your face. I mean, Mom, we've sort of done the mani and pedi thing to death. Then, I'm thinking that we take the Aunties on a tour of American Girl Place. You know - show them where the dolls can get their hair done and the doll hospital. Then we can shop of course and get a new doll and her stuff. We'll probably want to grab a bite to eat while we're there don't you think? Then shopping of course - we can probably get a new wardrobe while we're in the city. And I'm thinking that we'll do a Broadway show that night - I'm thinking "Wicked". What do you think?"

Ummm - let me see. I think that I will be bankrupt by the end of the weekend - that is what I think!!!! I think:

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?????????????????????????????????????

ARE YOU NUCKING FUTS??????????????????????????????

What I said was: "Well, those all sound like really fun ideas! However, they also sound like really expensive ideas too- so why don't we try to decide which ONE of those ideas - a show, a trip to American girl or a MINI-spa treatment - we will enjoy. And then we'll talk to the Aunties and in the end the grown-ups will make the final decision." HOLY COW!

And it only gets better from there....

As we are discussing the Aunties, Bella asks what her fairy godmother does for a living. So, I reply that she is super-duper smart and worked really, really hard in school and is now a lawyer. She worked SO hard in school that when it was time to apply to law schools - she got into and went to the BEST one in the whole country - probably the whole world - Harvard Law! Isn't that FANTASTIC???????

And in what can only be described as a moment that literally took my breath away....and not in the good way - like when your kid wins the spelling bee or walks down the stairs in her prom gown or leaps across the stage in the Nutcracker - this breathtaking experience was more like when someone punches you in your solar plexus...my brilliant, beautiful daughter said:

"I just don't understand why Auntie wastes all of her time lawyering when she is so beautiful. She could just be a super model. Do you think she thought of that before all of that boring Harvard business?"

OH....        MY ....       GOD.

After PC difribulated me back to life...and the paramedics left, I sat and reflected upon my parenting strategies up to this point. I am a feminist, and I wear that title proudly. I'm a Mommy - and I'm a damned good one. I've read all of the books. I've done all of the things I'm supposed to. I did pre and postnatal yoga. I did Gymboree. I did Kindermusik.  I made my own babyfood. I've bought the organic milk and chicken and beef. I've avoided the trans fats. I've read to them every night since they came home from the hospital and limited screen time. I've tried to instill values like honesty and goodness and kindness and fairness. I've tried to model the value of education and knowledge. I've honored their interests and tried to get to know and honor who they are - not who I want them to be.

 FOR WHAT? FOR WHAT I ASK YOU??????? From the looks of it, all of my freaking efforts - my attachment parenting, my co-sleeping, my organic everything - has netted me a Paris Hilton wanna-be and a tattle-taling aspiring aestician/waxing professional.

So, here is my new strategy. It's every man for himself over here from now on. No more organic bullshit. It's Dingdongs and HoHos for breakfast, Pixie Sticks and white Wonderbread for lunch and Mountain Dew and meals that come in a box for dinner. You might never poop again - but who cares? No bedtimes, books are banned, porn for all, neck tats for every birthday and "Homework is for Dorks!" is the new family motto.  No extra-curricular activities either. No ballet, horseback riding, piano, soccer, baseball, field hockey, Scouts, Nutcracker, Lego builders club - nothing - nada.You want dance class? It had better involve a pole, kiddo. Shake your moneymaker, 'cause Momma needs a new pair of shoes.

I'm walking around this place with a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other. I'm going to Walmart and investing in a bunch of Mumus and haircurlers. And I'm going to drive around town like that. The new strategy is: That which does not kill you will make you STRONGER.  Obviously, my attempts at parenting them and molding them into decent human beings isn't working. So now, I think I'm going to have to frighten them into becoming the brilliant, over-achieving type A people I know they can become! And if anyone can frighten them to greatness- I can....I know I can do it...