The GREATEST Show on Earth!!!!!!!!!!!

Well hey there Peeps! It's been a while. Spring has spung here in Charm City, and that can only mean one thing....the circus is in town. That's right - every year Baltimore hosts the Greatest Show on Earth - America's Living National Treasure - The Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Circus during the end of March/beginning of April. And this year, Busy Momma and her crew decided to celebrate the beginning of spring, and Bella and Jack's birthday month by going to see the circus. I'll admit it - I LOVE the circus. And to be quite honest, I've been surprised at the number of friends and acquaintences who have told me that they HATE going to the circus! Shocking, truly shocking! Where else can you see elephants, tigers, acrobats, tight rope walkers, fire eaters, trapeeze artists and their death defying stunts all under one roof while drinking a $12.00 watered down coke and eating a $17.00 box of stale popcorn? Haters.

Anyway - yesterday was the big day. We had taken Bella to the circus when she turned 4, so she didn't really remember a whole lot about it. What she DID remember was being very afraid of the clowns, and she still kept a safe distance from the clowns she saw yesterday. Bella - being the first child - was taken to her first circus as a "Circus Celebrity". A "Circus Celebrity" gets to sit in the very front row AND gets taken onto to circus floor and sits in one of the three rings for part of the show. Pretty cool, huh? Unfortunately for Bella, when it was time to walk down onto the floor, a clown walked up to us and was to act as our escort. Let's just say that this was the day that we learned that Bella was afraid of clown. We learned it, the cast of clowns learned it and EVERYONE at the 4:30pm showing of the circus realized it as well. Needless to say, we opted to be regular circus audience members this time around. It was Jack's first time - and he was beside himself with excitement. And the circus did not disappoint. He was wide eyed from the moment the circus started until the very end. He loved the motorcycle acts, the tigers, the elephants, the cotton candy, the popcorn, the soda, the hot dags and of course - the spinny light. Poor Jack had NEVER been to an event that required the purchase of the $15.00 spinny light. How on earth has he reached the ripe old age of "almost" seven and NEVER been to an entertainment event that included a spinny light? So - yesterday he got the magical motorcycle spinny light. And Jack, being the rule follower that he is, spun that light like his life depended on it every time they dimmed the lights in the arena.

And it is at this point in the blog that I'd like to send a shout out to the dried-up, wizened woman who was sitting behind my wide eyed, excited, beautiful little boy. While I will never understand why you did not splurge and shell out the $15 bucks it would have cost to make your little darling happy with her own spinny light, it is not mine to ask. HOWEVER, when you go to a circus, and the adorable little boy in front of you holds up his spinny light during a BLACK OUT When YOU CAN"T SEE ANYTHING ANYWAY - try not to let your inner and obviously disappointed and troubled child out by telling MY SON to put his light down because you can't see. Might I remind you that unless you have spidey senses or "magical eyes" you can't see SHIT during a blackout and they tell the kids to spin their lights. So please crawl back under the rock you slithered out from and STAY THERE!

Other than that - Busy Momma and her crew had a WONDERFUL time at the circus! Much to Bella's delight - there was not one, but TWO ladies dressed up as Mermaids! Those meramids became aerialists who spun around on bright silver rings that hung from the arena ceiling. And as my children looked on with wonderment, and gasped in delight at the fearless and unbelieveably talented performers - Busy Momma's mind was whirring. The gears were in motion and I became obsessed with one question:

Who are the STUDS of the circus?

That's right - you read that right. For most of the circus, I wondered about the back stage hook ups. Who hooks up with whom? Now, being a theater geek, I am well aware that with every show, there is always a pecking order if you will of hook ups. So I began to wonder - who are the studs of circus life? Who are the most elegible bachelors on the circut? Here are my thoughts n this most important topic:

1. The tiger trainer? While the tiger trainer was kind of good looking and all muscle bound, I am going to say that No, the tiger trainer is NOT the stud of the circus. In fact - PC and I both believe that the tiger trainer guy is the "creepy wing man" of the studs of the circus. He's the guy at the bar who wears pants that are a bit too tight, a shirt that is unbuttoned a bit too much, a chest that is a bit too hairy and gives you the creeps the moment he makes eye contact. His pick up line is old and as stale as his breath. He probably hits on all of the girls in the chorus and winds up spending the night with the bearded lady.

2. The clowns? Obviously not. While I WAS impressed with the clowns who could juggle fire - and think that they are definitely at the TOP of the clown hook up pecking order - PC and I once again agree that clowns only hook up with other clowns. I think that is an unwritten and largely unbroken rule in circus life. I just can't see clowns co-mingling with the acrobats or the aierialists. I just don't see it happening.

3. Acrobats - hmmm. Tough one. While they are muscle bound - and bendy- the acrobats we saw yesterday were, for the most part, all dressed as sea urchin type creatures. They wore head -to- toe purple and neon orange bodysuits. This detail, while seemingly small and unimportant, is, I believe a huge "tell" in the back-stage hook-up pecking order. No self respecting stud would EVER wear a head-to-toe spandex bodysuit. Would he? I am making this decision STRICTLY on costume - but I am going to say that NO - the acrobats are not the circus studs.

4. The Motor-Cycle Men - now while it might seem an easy pick, as they wear leather and ride motorcycles and really are in ALOT of danger in the "Sphere of Death" or whatever they call that steel cage they ride around in - I'm saying no. Here is what I think - I think that the motorcycle men are NOT studs at all. I think they are a quiet bunch of very religious, very Catholic guys. They are supposedly all members of one family, they are from South America AND they are 3rd and 4th generation circus performers. So, I can't see being the big man-whore of the circus community while your parents and brothers and sisters are all on tour with you. I just don't see it happening. Not that they don't get any tail - I'm SURE they do - they just do it covertly and in the backseat of somebody's car or in the elephant cages, the way the rest of us good Catholics do.
5. The Tight-Rope Walkers - again - all one family. Don't see it happening with mom and dad in the act. Plus, these days, they are all attached to some kind of harness - so their act just doesn't seem a "death-defying" when you can clearly see the wires and you know that if they fall - they will just look like fish on a hook hanging from a pulley attached to the ceiling instead of plummeting to their certain death.

So who does that leave us with? Well, one very obvious choice and one not-so-obvious, but I think sure winner. Now according to PC - the studs of the circus are:

The Flying Trapeeze Guys and Girls.

Why?

Well because first of all - they save the flying trapeeze act until the very end of the circus - thereby highlighting their importance in the show. And let's face it - who DOESN'T want to hook up with the star of the show?  AND they can fly. I mean say what you will about them - but they are in AMAZING shape, they are all pretty great looking AND they can do amazing tricks. So PC and I both think that the absolute STUDS and hardest to get hook ups are the trapeeze guys and gals.

HOWEVER - I believe that there is another group of circus folk who probably get all of the best looking girls. And this will SHOCK you - but when you think about it - it makes perfect sense. Who do I think gets the prettiest acrobats, aerialists, contortionists and dancers to go gaa-gaa over them? Who makes the prettiest, most stuck-up girls on the circus circut go weak in the knees? Are you ready?

The elephant trainers.

Yup - the guys who take care of the real stars of the show - the elephant trainers. THINK about it. While these guys are not the most ruggedly handsome, muscle bound men you can think of - they take care of the circus' treasure and most beautiful and gentle cast members - the elphants. Taking care of elephants is NO easy task (or so I've been told). They don't get the accolades, they don't get the applause, but they are there every day taking gentle, loving care of those beautiful creatures. A man who can whisper to an elephant and get her to dance and lay down and  - well do anything - is a powerful, yet gentle man. And THAT will make the girls go wild. My theory is that the trapeeze guys have HUGE egos. And MY theory is that they go through cast members like the rest of us go through panyhose. They use them up and then - once they've gotten all they can from them - they ball them up and toss them out. And I dare say that some of the more seasoned ladies on the circus circut can see them coming a mile away. THIS is why the elephant trainers, in my estimation, probably get just as much if not MORE tail than the Flying Trapeeze guys.

Now as far as the girls on the tour - here is how PC and I see it. We think the easiest girls are the dancing girls in the chorus. Now, I will admit that I was a bit disturbed by how quickly PC blurted out "Chorus girls" when I posed the question. For those of you who DON'T know my PC - he spent YEARS doing show after show after show...usually as the lead (think trapeeze guy). Why he was able without a moment's hesitation to id the chorus girls as the biggest sluts on tour is a bit troubling. (Especially because in most of the shows I was in - I was a CHORUS girl! Hmmmm) We both think that the flying trapeeze girls and the girl who spins around in the air by her hair are the biggest bitches in the circus and thereby the hardest to hook up with. I think the contortionists are religious freaks.  Why ? I have no idea. But that's what I think. And any of the girls in the family acts are probably locked away in their circus trailers at the end of every performance because their older brothers know exactly how horny the other performers can get and they will KILL anyone who mars the honor of their little sisters.

So by now you all either think that I have a sure and certain mental problem because these are the things that ran through my mind all day yesterday - or you are laughing your ass off because you DO really know me and are not surprised at all that these are the thoughts that preoccupied my brain all day long. If my thought process disturbs you - keep this in mind.....if YOUR child ever runs away and joins the circus - now you will be that much further ahead of the game in preparing them for circus life. You see, PC and I would not be surprised AT ALL if Bella came home from school one day and announced that she was running away to join the circus. Sparkly costumes, mermaid tails and spinning while upside down at very high speeds while dressed in a sequined covered mermaid tail is simply an opportunity that my Bella would NEVER EVER be able to resist. So, in all fairness to me - these thoughts were simply me being a good mother. Trying to prepare myself for a future that might include nightly updates from the circus tent...that's all I'm sayin'.