Awareness

Ok - I feel a bit better after shouting that. Well, shouting it in my mind anyway. Don't want to alert the natives that Mommy's about to have a freaking breakdown.  I have decided that I officially HATE the month of October - which sucks, because until a few weeks ago - October was my FAVORITE month. The leaves change colors, the humidity FINALLY goes away, We spend Sunday afternoons taking hayrides and picking pumpkins and  I can finally cover my beefy thighs in pants for the rest of the season..all really great things for me. And Halloween is in October - who doesn't like an entire day devoted to CANDY? (Hmmm - maybe all of that candy over the years has something to do with the afore mentioned "beefy thighs".)

But now, October is ruined for me because it seems that October has been assigned the additional job of being "Fill-in-the-blank AWARENESS" month. We all know that October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. I donate money, wear my signature color, support Race-for-the-Cure...listen, I do want to save second base, save the ta-tas and all of that great stuff. I do. I'm all for Breast Cancer Awareness month - let's raise all of the $$ we can to wipe out this awful mommy-killing disease.  But I'll bet many of you DIDN'T know that October is also....wait for it....INFANT DEATH AND STILLBORN AWARENESS MONTH!

AND the crowd goes WILD!


Yup - it's infant death and stillborn awareness month folks! AWESOME. Because hey - if it's one thing we all need to be reminded of - almost every f-ing day all month long it's that babies die. Yup - they die. Each and every day. Some die being born, some die right inside of their Mommy's belly, some die in their sleep. Some die for no apparent reason, some die because they have conditions that are "incompatible with life", some die because at the moment of conception something in their genetic code gets all fucked up and they grow and thrive and kick and wiggle and get you all excited about their arrival but, in reality, don't have a snowballs chance in hell of ever surviving outside of the womb. Aren't we all super glad that we are aware of this???

Bitter, party of 1? Your table is apparently STILL available!

I thought I was doing really, really well. In fact, I remember having a day in September where I literally felt like a veil was lifting and that I was sort of returning to life. Not just surviving anymore - like not having to get through each day one step at a time anymore. Not telling myself "OK ,  it is time to get out of bed now. OK - get a cup of coffee. OK - you can't go back to bed now because you are drinking a cup of coffee. Good girl. Let's get dressed. and see how we feel." I was starting to come back to life - starting to care about things again. And then - the invitation came.

The hospital where Aiden was born sent us an invitation to a "Day of Remembrance". A ceremony for families who have lost infants to stillbirth or infant death. Oh - and by the way - they say - we STILL have the photos we took of your son after his death. Do you want them?

Oh Fudge.

 It was like a punch in the gut. Just when you think you are recovering nicely - something like that arrives in the mail and rips the scab right off the gash in your heart. Do we go? We don't want to go. We don't feel like we're ready to go. How can we NOT go? What kind of shitty assed parents are we if we can't even do this for him? What about the pictures? What do we do with them? Do we want them? What will the hospital do with them? Should we look at them if we get them? Where will we put them?

Fun stuff

So - I reverted to my oh so healthy "take to the bed" method of coping...and we eventually decided that we're not ready to go. So we don't go. But we did have the pictures sent to us.

THEN - we get another invitation in the mail. This time it is from the social worker at our local hospital, who invites us to THEIR Day of Remembrance because - you know - October IS INFANT DEATH AND STILLBORN AWARENESS month! Just in case we weren't aware. Apparently, she got a copy of Aiden's death certificate, and added us to her "list". Awesome. I'm starting to feel like the most popular girl in the class. Once again - I take to the bed, only this time I help myself to a glass...or 4 of Pinot Grigio.

And the NEXT day - the pictures arrive. Wow. Killer week.

But then I realized that despite these setbacks, despite the staggering amount of Pinot Grigio I have consumed since these things started arriving in the mail, I AM doing ok. I'm sad, I cry and then I go to sleep, wake up and start the next day. And I'm ok.

But today was the day of my complete and utter undoing. And now I'm sort of pissed off to be honest.
Today- we got yet another "mystery" package from the hospital. You would think that I would have a "no open' policy for packages from the hospital at this point. But - nope. Like I dope - I opened the envelope.The hospital sent us the program from the Day of Rembrance. Now I know that it sounds lovely, and I am sure that it was a lovely little shin-dig. The program contains the "agenda" for the ceremony - it seemed nice, they had clergy there - and a harp player. Classy. Butterfly release - nice touch. Should have stopped right there. But no- they included pages of poems. Not uplifting poems about anything...uplifting. Nope - poems that read like Nicholas Sparks wrote them specifically to make you have a nervous fucking breakdown. Here is the opening of the first little ditty:

Please Mommy, don't cry, don't be sad.
Treasure the time however short we had.
I miss you too, but I can feel your love.
Even up here flying, like a little dove.

Shall I continue? It goes on for 4 more suicide-inducing verses. Lovely, right? The next 2 poems weren't nearly as bad. Of course I just realized that now as I have finally stopped crying hysterically and the swelling in my eyes has gone down a bit. So here is my question for these people: WHY? WHO is this supposed to be for? Does this make ANYONE feel better?? SERIOUSLY? WHO? Who in their right mind wants to be reminded of the most awful day of their life over and over again?

WHO needs to be made AWARE of this awfulness? CERTAINLY not the parents and siblings of the children who have died. CERTAINLY NOT their grandparents. CERTAINLY not their friends who now have to deal with hysterical phone calls and text messages in the middle of the workday. The jackholes who were insensitive when the baby died still need a bit of awareness - but this is not aimed at them. This "awareness" movement is aimed at the people who are the MOST aware each and every day of the realities of stillbirth and infant loss.

I realize that I probably sound like a jackhole right now. I know that people grieve in different ways and that these lovely social workers are just doing their jobs.Perhaps this ceremony was perfect for another mother. But not this one. For the love of God in heaven above - stop already. I'm aware...I'm really really aware...