I think Christmas is trying to tell me something. Now, I know that sounds completely crazy, or like I've had more than my share of the holiday wassail....but it is. I think it's trying to say "It's OK, ot's ok". Let me explain....
Most of you know that I'm really not into Christmas this year. Not at all. If I had my way, I'd go to sleep today and wake up on January 3rd. It's been a year since my Aiden died, and the nightmare of it all started on December 23rd, 2010. So, this Christmas marks a really painful and traumatic anniversary. One that I never thought I'd be marking. So, Christmas is just not about happiness and peace on earth and silent nights for us this year. It's about remembering. And sometimes, remembering is hard.
So, I've been trying to balance Christmas still coming and celebrating with and for the kids and my feelings. And I think I have done a good job. The house is decorated, the cards went out, the gifts are wrapped and we even did a few different things this year to try to make new, happy memories. We went to Hershey Park to see the lights, and it started to SNOW while we were there - which made it all the more magical. I'm really, really trying. But some things have fallen by the wayside. The elf on the shelf arrived with his usual fanfare - but he keeps forgetting to fly back to the North Pole and change position every morning - that silly elf. And I didn't bake my favorite Martha Stewart cut-out sugar cookies. I just didn't have it in me. I didn't bake Carmella's pecan puffs or any chocolate chip cookies. I did get my rear in gear and I did bake a pan of Brownies and the kids made chocolate dipped pretzels for our neighbors. So that will have to do for Santa tonight. He will probably appreciate a nice brownie. By the time he gets to us, I'm sure he will be on cookie overload.
And, I've been feeling guilty about being such a Grinch. I really have, but things keep happening and my holiday plans have gotten all messed up this year and I think the universe is sending me a message. I think the universe is saying "It's ok. You don't have to be into it this year. It's ok" First of all, I came down with a wicked, wicked stomach virus the other day, and all of the baking I did plan on doing just fell by the wayside. And I am still recovering. I literally could do almost nothing but lay down for 2 days. Then, my dad got sick and I think he's going to be down for the count for the entire holiday. So there goes the family getting together at the butt crack of dawn to exchange gifts. And then my brother's house sprang some sort of ridonculous leak - and now they can't come down for our celebration until next weekend. So everything that we normally do - all of the traditions that we've had for years and years and years will be tweaked a bit. And in any other year - this "tweak" would have just devastated me so much. I like change - but don't mess with my Christmas. But this year, somehow all of the sickness and plumbing emergencies seem appropos. Like a gift from the universe. With all of these changes and all of this upheaval, this Christmas can't be like Christmases past. I don't have to try to make it that. I just have to be. Go with the flow and see what happens. And that's really what I need this year.
No worries, Santa will still come. He has his bag full of surprises and everyone will be happy and sugared up by 9am tomorrow morning. The roast beast will be in the oven at 3 and dinner will be on the table by 5 - I hope. And when it's all said and done, when everyone is in bed tomorrow night, PC and I can breathe a sigh of relief. because it will be over. We will have made it through what would have been "Baby's First Christmas" without baby.
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