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Welcome to my blog. One Busy Momma is my space to rant about my life and the things that happen in it. I have a crazy life - and instead of focusing on the crazy - I like to focus on the funny. Because if I focused on the craziness - well, I'd have been shipped off to an institution long, long ago. And while, I'll admit, there are some days when being institutionalized sounds PRETTY GOOD compared to making ANOTHER diorama at 1am - I'd rather be right where I am - in my messy house with my not so perfect kids making crooked dioramas in the middle of the night.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Dinner and Dancing the Night Away with Brian Boitano

So - do you ever reflect on your early teenage years? Not on who you were at 16, or 19 or 21...we all think about the first time we fell in love, our first real heartbreak, the first real "grown-up" decisions we had to make. I'm not talking about those years. It's Friday night and I'm never that deep on Friday! I'm talking about thinking about who you were at 13.

 Painful - I know!

I find myself thinking about this awkward time in my life because I'm listening to Kathy Griffin's HYSTERICAL autobiography right now. And she's talking about the "Suddenly Susan" years - one episode in particular. Apparently, in one of the early episodes, Brooke Shield's character Susan finds the bucket list she made at the tender age of 13. And she decides to try to make all of her 13 year old dreams come true - so to make a long story short - she goes on a date with Leif Garrison. And this got me thinking about what MY 13-year old bucket list would look like. And then, I realized, that much like my idol - Lady O - Miss Winfrey - I have saved EVERY SINGLE journal I've written in since the tender age of 13 - no joke. I wondered if I wrote something similar. So - this afternoon I dug out my beautiful journal - the one with the beautiful unicorn riding on a cloud in a purple, hazy sky on the cover, and began to read. (Oh yes - I was THAT cool at 13 .I thought my diary was THE SHIT.)

(Note to self - next time you dig this baby out - prepare yourself with a Poise pad. Seriously.).

Well, well, well - it was EYE OPENING. And not in a good way. Nope - it was bad my Peeps. Worse than I had anticipated. . First of all - the description of my first kiss - which was less of a kiss and more of a 15 second lip smushing, tonsil hockey session - took up about 10 pages. No joke. Now, in my defense - they were small pages - but 10 pages of a second-by-second, blow-by-blow description of the  - and I kid you not, I actually wrote this - "absolute best, most magical moment of my entire life". And apparently - this kiss was so earth shattering that - "I could die right now and be happy for the rest of my eternal life. Which by the way is forever. In fact, I hope I do die right when I finish writing this because there is nothing else that could ever happen to me that would be as amazingly wonderful as kissing ____ was."


I even wrote that his kiss tasted "deliciously and excitingly" of "Dorito" which, by the way I TOTALLY despise and cannot stand. I hate them SO much that I will not allow my children to eat them in the house because I find their stench so repugnant. How on earth could a Dorito tasting kiss be exciting? Would it have been less exciting if it had tasted of cheese curl? Or sour cream and onion dip? Now, apparently, what made this kiss even more magical was that by sheer coincidence, Jon Bon Jovi's hit song "You Give Love a Bad Name" was playing in the background. Apparently, this was my "absolute favorite" song off of the "groundbreakingly awesome" album: Slippery When Wet.

Oh - and I was "really, really, really, really really happy" that I was wearing my new "awesome" outfit from Foxmoore and not something that he had seen before. (Because as every girl knows - 13-year old boys keep track of every outfit you wear to every party.) Oh - and it was really "awesome" that I was wearing my "awesome" neon pink hoops instead of the earrings that I had worn out of the house. I guess my mom had decided that neon pink hoops were waaaay too "sophisticated" for me to wear to a boy/girl party. So I hid them in my purse and put them on at the party. That act of rebellion was also - you guessed it - totally "awesome".

After reading this and peeing myself a little bit, I did two things:
  1. Changed my pants
  2. Kept on reading
And while I didn't have a specific bucket list entry - I did have some grand plans for my future. GRAND plans my friends. So here, in a nutshell, is what SHOULD have happened to me by the time I became an old woman of 35:

  •  Apparently, I was SUPPOSED to marry Tom Cruise. This would happen because I was SUPPOSED to go to the Naval Academy "for college" and become a fighter pilot. And once I was "an award winning" fighter pilot - of "jets", Tom Cruise would hear about me and want to meet me - you know 'cause he was Maverick and he would want to make a sequel where Maverick would want to find Goose's body and Tom would need to do "research" for this role. And in doing this research, we would fall in love and he would ask for my hand in marriage. As one does.
  • Before attending the Naval Academy - to learn how to fly jets and thereby seduce Tom Cruise - I would attend the High School for the Performing Arts as portrayed in one of my all-time favorite tv shows - FAME! I would spend my lunch periods dancing on tables, in leotards and leg warmers. And I would spend long nights with all of my artsy friends who would really "get me".( How I would make it into NYC everyday from River Edge, NJ seemed to be a bit unclear - but was a very small factor in a very large and detailed plan.)
  • I would wear a prom gown that was all white, had a hoop skirt AND was made entirely of lace. Either that - or a Madonna inspired number - tulle skirt, black leggings, hundreds of jelly bracelets, a black mesh top over a hot pink off the shoulder tee shirt and a giant neon pink bow in my poodle perm. 
  • I would have a spiral, poodle perm -done PROFESSIONALLY.
  • After the High School for the Performing Arts - which , no doubt, would prepare me beautifully to be accepted into the Naval Academy - I would date Brian Boitano. "Olympic gold medalist" Brian Boitano. Who was most certainly NOT gay. My friends only said that because they were obviously JEALOUS of my love for and devotion to - BB. Brian ORCER - the Canadian Figure Skater was the OBVIOUSLY gay one. Duh.BB and I would do really "awesome stuff" - like shop, and go to dinner in fancy restaurants that had "lobster bibs" and then he would take me dancing all night long.
  • I would have "tons" of babies with Cory Haim. Now, I don't know how Tom or Brian Boitano were supposed to feel about this. I also do not know if Cory and I were to be secret lovers or if we were destined to be married. Very unclear, as about 2 months before Cory Haim was being mentioned in Unicorn central - it was ALL Cruise and Boitano...Perhaps the three of them would duke it out for me and my "tons of babies" producing super-womb. 
  • I would find out where Molly Ringwald shopped and totally copy her Breakfast Club look. Oh - and I would figure out what sushi was and bring it to school for lunch like every day.
  • Somewhere in my free time from flying "fighter jets" I would become a best-selling author. I would write a book about a group of people who come together for a reunion of their 8th grade class. Now, I don't want to give away too much of the plot - but rumor has it that the main character - one Mary Catherine McLane was married to the "hottest" guy from that 8th grade class...and he smelled excitingly of Doritos.....
How depressing. NONE of these predictions has come true. I do NOT know how to fly jets, I have never met Tom Cruise. I have never danced the night away with the very obviously straight Olympic gold medal winning  figure skater Brian Boitano and I did NOT wear a hoop-skirted dress to my prom. I never had a PROFESSIONAL spiral perm, I did not attend the High School for the Performing Arts, I never danced on a cafeteria table in leg warmers. And I never did find out where Molly Ringwald shopped for her Breakfast Club wardrobe.

Oh - and my super-womb did not house a litter of Cary Haim's babies.

Epic fail - epic.  SO here is my question for you - my beloved Peeps: What was on YOUR bucket list when you were 13? Did anyone else want a litter of Haim babies?


  1. Hmmm. The only things I remember from my bucket list were: driver's license as immediately as I could obtain one; an athletic scholarship to college; and moving out on my own as quickly as possible. That was it. Made me happy. I didn't long for much except those three things in particular. I had no imagination.

  2. Come on K - you NEVER wanted to go on a date with Kirk Cameron or Keifer Sutherland????? Not even Keifer???