Whoops!

So - I titled this post "Whoops!" because it's become my new, favorite catch-phrase. I seem to be saying it all of the time these days. Because, you see, Busy Momma has been screwing-up BIG TIME lately. Now, I haven't set fire to the house or misplaced a child or anything like that. That would call for FAR saltier language than "Whoops!". So nothing like that. I think I've just been going in so many different directions this summer that I have definitely let a few balls drop.

Now, in my defense - my summer has been a bit nutso. I've done a great deal of traveling - both on business and for pleasure. And it has really taken its toll on my sanity. I was away 3 out of 4 weeks in July. And one of those weeks involved 3 separate suitcases FOR MYSELF. A suitcase for a meeting in Indianapolis Sunday-Thursday. Then flying home on Thursday - making a pitstop at home to switch suitcases for an overnight on Thursday. Driving home on Friday for a pitstop and exchanging suitcases for ANOTHER suitcase to go to Cape Cod. PLUS - I also had to pack bags for the 2 little ones a week in advance of leaving for the Cape as I was only dropping by at home to pick them up on our way. Now - not to toot my own horn - but that type of packing and pre-planning requires a level of organizational skill that would lend itself quite nicely to a position as Secretary of State. 

Plus, I've had to do all of this with a broken foot that WILL NOT HEAL as quickly as I'd like it to. PLUS, I'm now back at work in what is the busiest and craziest 3 or 4 weeks of the year in my industry. So - while trying to manage my crazy travel schedule and get the kids ready to go back to school, and deal with the babysitter leaving for college - things have gotten a bit "rough" over here...pun intended!

So, here's the first big WHOOPS of the week. I have a little garden on the side of our house. Nothing spectacular - but it has a few rose bushes and a few hydrangea bushes and I love them. So you can imagine my horror at coming home from a trip and seeing a large, jungle-y looking VINE growing up the side of the house from my rose and hydrangea garden! I asked PC to go out there and chop it down - actually to tear it down QUITE NICELY - a few times. I was really nice the first 10 or so times I asked. Then, one day as I was working on a deadline of "have that impossible task to me by 3pm YESTERDAY" - I happened to notice that PC was looking at his computer screen - laughing. (This is the danger of having spouses who BOTH work from home.) So, not being able to resist and in my defense having a REALLY BAD DAY at work, I mosied on over to look at his screen. (Is that how you spell "mosey-ied"? Is mosied even a real word?) And to my delight - PC was looking at something completely un-related to work. And instead of laughing with him, I sweetly suggested that he might want to just run outside and tear that darned vine down from the house. And by "sweetly suggested" I might have threatened his manhood with a hedgeclipper if he didn't go outside RIGHT NOW and tear that mother-f$##*$g vine off of the mother-f&^%$#$%g house before someone blasts the Samford and Sons theme underneath our window late at night. Because he's OBVIOUSLY SOOOOOOOOO BUSY WITH GOD_D@*&^D WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And that's not the WHOOPS part.

The WHOOPS part was my answer to the perfectly logical question he asked before he went to deal with the jungle vine, which was: "Do you think I need gloves to tear that thing down? Like you don't think it's poisoned ivy or anything do you?"

Here's the WHOOPS part.

I'm warning you - it's bad. Really bad.

I said something to the effect of "No, I DO NOT think it is poisoned ivy. I've already had to tear that vine down this past spring and I did it with my bare hands." WHICH IS TRUE -  SWEAR TO GOD. I did. And I might have also thrown the words: "Don't be a pussy" in there for good measure. (I might have actually just thought that...but still...)

So - out PC went to tackle the vine.....of poisoned ivy.

Whoops.

So - imagine his and my shock the next morning when he woke up looking like a cross between the Elephant Man and Rocky Balboa after his fight with Clubber Lang. The ENTIRE right side of his face was pink and swollen. His eye was swollen shut, and he was a mess of pink splotches from his hairline down to his cheekbone. We both thought that perhaps he was having an allergic reaction to some sort of bug bite. And to make matters worse - he had a BIG client meeting that morning that he HAD to attend. Looking like he had been on the losing end of a bar fight. CLASSY! By that afternoon, the itching started and he had to hightail it to Urgent Care where the doctor diagnosed a really bad case of plant-based something something...poisoned ivy basically. He had to get a SHOT of cortizone, is STILL taking steroids and is applying Benadryl and Calamine lotion like they are spa treatments. AND it has spread to his arms and the other side of his face.

And I am currently looking for a new place to live.

Just kidding.

As if having a Dad who looks like an outfit Lady GaGa might wear to the Oscars wasn't bad enough-  we then had what is now being referred to as: The Class List Debacle of 2012. My kids go to a private Catholic school. And we find out who we have as a teacher each year 2 weeks before school starts. The posting of the class lists is a HUGE event in our house as the kids want to see who will be in their class for the coming year. (They could really care less about who is TEACHING the class.) So - the lists came out earlier this week - while i was away on business - of course. And a calamity that one might associate with learning that the house you were living in was haunted by the ghosts of 12 murdered seriel killers ensued. What happened, you ask? Well, it seems that Jack and Bella weren't on ANY of the lists. They weren't in ANYONE'S class. We were overwhelmed with text messages, emails and phone calls..."Why aren't you on the list? Are you guys leaving the school? What happened? What's going on?......."

Now this REALLY TOASTED MY ONIONS. I mean for the love of God - I've bought all of the uniforms, I bought the pre-packaged school supplies, everyone has new socks and underwear, new school shoes and sneakers. I have worked so hard to have them ready to go back! We have new backpacks, our locker chandelier has fresh batteries, the shag carpet for the locker has been laundered and we are trying to convine the Elephant Man, I mean PC, to let us get magnetic wallpaper for our locker! I've done all of this in July and early August so that I have all of my ducks in a freaking row for school and the ONE thing the school has to do is just put them in a freaking class and they don't even get that right. God Freaking D#$&*t - help a Mommy out. And just make this whole mess worse - I am AWAY when I find this out and I have 2 crying kids staying with a very concerned Nanny and Poppy who can't IMAGINE why this is happening and are at DEFCON 10 with worry and hysteria.

I mean I am so organized that I TOTALLY remember getting all of the re-registration paperwork out, writing the check and putting it in Jacks' folder and then thinking:

"You Jackhole! You don't put a check for hundreds of dollars in the folder of an 8-year old boy! Put it in your purse and deliver it to the main office yourself."

Which I did.

Right?

I TOTALLY remember putting the envelope with the paperwork and the check in my purse.

Huh...funny, I can't remember delivering it. Huh....when did I drop that off?......

Whoops.

Now, one would think that the school would CERTAINLY send out an email or 2 to gently remind you to hand in that outstanding deposit, right? One, two or maybe 4 or 5...

Whoops.

You know, you find ALL SORTS of crap when you clean out your purse. I found a GREAT MAC lipstick I'd been missing. A half-full mini-tin of Altoids. A hotel receipt that I needed for work...a few expense reports ago and lo and behold...a crumpled up envelope containing my re-registration paperwork and a nice fat check.(And it was wet - which is slightly disturbing as I can't figure out why.)

Whoops.

So - what does this all mean? Am I suffering from the onset of dementia? Am I starting to lose my memory due to my peri-menopausal state of being? Is it West Nile virus? Am I sleep-drinking and having black-outs that I don't know I'm having? (That would be kind of cool actually.) Probably not. I think I'm just doing too much! I need a break. A brain break. I need a medically induced coma where my brain could rest and rejuvinate...like they do for your face at a medi-spa. But I can't find anyplace - within the United States - where a board-certified physician will put me in such a coma. Something about "things going bad when Micaael Jackson tried it" bullshit. (There goes the word "pussy" through my mind again....)

So WHAT is a Momma to do? I need help my Peeps! Am I doomed to have a crazy school year? Is this Class List Debacle a preview of things to come? If it is - this is all I can say...there is not enough wine in the world to get me through it. It might be time to dust off the old cocktail shaker....