ZZZZZZ......ZZZZZZZ.....ZZZZZZZZ

My friend Hermione once told me something about love that has stuck with me for many years. She said: "Do you know how I know without a shadow of a doubt that I love my husband? It's because I have YET to smother him in his sleep. There are nights when I look over at him while he snores like a lumberjack and think: "It would be so very easy to murder you right now with this pillow. But I won't do it. Because I love you." That's how I know."
And I get it - my goodness - how I get it!

See peeps, this is me. This is my night life. Around midnight, 12:30 every single day of my life, I am awakened by a sound that is SO LOUD, I am shocked that the neighbors do not complain. PC snores like a wild boar is trapped inside of him, screaming to escape. This noise is not a normal snoring sound. Oh no - it is SO loud and SO intense, that it has woken both children who sleep in different rooms, with their doors closed to muffle out the snoring. No joke. They both sleep with their doors closed and music playing to muffle out the melodious sounds of their daddy "sleeping". How this man is able to sleep through his own snoring is one of life's great mysteries.

I take that back. We are talking about the man who was able to sleep through the agonized wails of vomit-covered, feverish babies here. He can sleep through anything.

I know what you are saying: go to the doctor, get a sleep study, get a CPAP machine, revolutionize your life. Oh, my friends, my naive friends, if only my life's problems were that easy to solve. PC, under direct threat of divorce and castration - Bobbit style - has seen the doctor and has had no fewer than 2 sleep studies. And guess what? That little %$#@)_*&^%$#-(*&^%%$$!!!!! DOESN"T SNORE IN A SLEEP STUDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Son of a motherless goat! So there is nothing the doctor can do. My husband sleeps like a baby while hooked up to 50 electrodes...but in his bed - snores like a wild animal. 

I am at the "bat-shit crazy" point of coping with this. Last night I actually used my iPhone to RECORD him snoring at 12:08 am. And I got MAD that his snoring wasn't loud enough. Then when it did get to the trapped black bear in a cave loud, I started whispering: "Do you see? Do you SEE what I have to put up with every effing night? I am going to smother you with this pillow if you do not shut the fu%$ up right now!"  Then I stopped taping and started thinking about how basically, if he did just kick the bucket right then and there, the Po-Po would basically have a taped confession and I'd wind up in prison. And how I bet it would really be all like Orange is the New Black, and would I be forced to become a lesbain in prison? And if I didn't, would I be looked upon as a snob? Like I thought I was better than everyone else? So maybe I would become a nun in jail - no one effs with the nun on OITNB. That's what I will do, I'll find religion and be all "I'm way above prison sex" to avoid the whole lesbian thing. 

Yes, this was my exact thought process at 12:15 am. I was like a CRAZY person. Like a heroin addict - only instead of looking for a hit, I was looking for a few, uninterrupted hours of sleep...in SILENCE!!!! So then I punched PC - pretty hard - and asked him to flip over onto his other side. And do you know what that humdinger did? He went:"hmmmulllhmmnn" and stayed in the same position!!!! AND WENT BACK TO SLEEP!

That man is lucky to be alive this morning - that is all I am saying. My new plan involves taking my recording - sans the murder threat - I will edit that out - to the doctor with him. Explain that basically this is a life or death situation. In other words - this man WILL DIE if he does not stop snoring. And beg the doctor to give him a CPAP MACHINE!!! If he doesn't, my next plan of attack is to steal someone else's machine and hook it up to my husband while he sleeps. If he fights it - I will give him a choice - CPAP or Pillow. Either way - this snoring is going to stop.