Falling into Chaos....

Ahhh - Fall has arrived. The air finally has that lovely snap of chilliness, the awful Maryland humidity is gone, and I find myself longing to bake some sort of yummy treat made entirely out of apples, butter, sugar and cinnamon. But let's get real Peeps - that yummy concoction will not be baked this fall. Nope - 'cause this fall Busy Momma doesn't have time to EAT an apple - much less peel it, slice it, dice it and bake it up in a freaking pie.

With the waning of long, hot and lazy summer days - a new Momma has come to town. This Momma has no time to lounge by the pool - ok not that Summer Momma had much time for that. Nope - Fall Momma is all about the schedule. And let me tell you - it takes the nerves and know-how of an air-traffic controller to handle our schedule this fall.

See, the chaos began when Bella innocently decided to play field hockey this fall instead of dancing. Cool - right? Shaking things up a bit is healthy - right? Exploring other interests can only help kids maximimze their true potential - correct?

OK - I'm here to tell you that all of that jargon is a load of stinking, fly-infested horse manure. I am now convinced that all of those "parenting experts" who wrote the books that I read when the kids were small who told me to "encourge them to explore their interests" and "support them as they spread their wings and fly out of the nest in the direction that THEY want to go" are in fact, sadists who DO NOT HAVE ANY CHILDREN OF THEIR OWN! Because, Dear Readers, if they did, they would realize that allowing kids to participate in all of the activities they are interested in leads to COMPLETE AND TOTAL CHAOS! And, complete and total chaos leads to MOMMY MELT-DOWN.

What is Mommy Melt-Down? OMG - it is quite possibly the scariest thing ever. I know - because I can see the terror in PC's eyes as Mommy Melt-Down occurs. And it's been happening alot lately. Actually - it happened just today. This is what today's Mommy Melt-Down looked and sounded like:

The scene: PC is home with the kids while Busy Momma is working late.

The event: Busy Momma is speaking in front of a group, when she looks at the wall clock and realizes that she has gone 30 minutes over her contracted time with these people and has thrown today's after-school activity schedule into complete disarray. She quickly, yet brilliantly wraps up her talk and runs out the door while the people are still clapping. (And calling her name...concert style when the audience wants an encore...ok, maybe not. But one lady was sort of clapping - or perhaps her hand had fallen asleep. But I digress...)

Busy Momma rushes into the car and speed dials PC's cell - which he does not answer. G Damnit! Where is he? Whay does he have a %#$&*^# cell phone if he never answers it????? She dials the home number and once again - no answer. By now, Busy Momma is worked into a COMPLETE LATHER because Jack has to be at his very first Tiger Cub Scout meeting in 5...no, 4 minutes. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

So, Busy Momma does what any reasonable woman in her situation would do - she peels out of the parking lot - Indy car style - makes an illegal left turn into ONCOMING TRAFFIC and uses her 2 - yes, I have 2 - Crackberries to simultanelously call and text PC - while driving.

 I know, I know... don't tell Oprah on me.

FINALLY - on the 3rd or 4th attempt at his cell phone - PC picks up and says in his ultra serious voice :

"What's wrong?" 

Now, a normal person would have calmly explained the situation and asked PC to take Jack to scouts. However - Mommy Melt-Down was in FULL swing. From what I can remember, I think I yelled something about "WHY DON'T YOU ANSWER YOUR CELL PHONE WHEN I CALL IT? DO YOU THINK I AM JUST CALLING YOU TO TELL YOU WHAT GREAT 80's SONG I JUST HEARD ON THE RADIO?????????????????????? NO, OK? NO! JACK HAS TO BE AT HIS SCOUT MEETING A MINUTE AGO AND IF YOU HAD ANSWERED YOUR CELL PHONE THE FIRST 2 TIMES I CALLED IT HE WOULDN"T BE THE LOSER KID WHOSE PARENTS CAN'T GET HIM TO ANYTHING ON TIME WALKING LATE INTO THE FIRST MEETING!"

Then in what can only be described as a voice that would come out of someone an excorsist would be frightened of, I shouted out the address of the leader and screamed: "GET HIM OVER THERE! NOW!!!  GO!GO!GO!"

PC's response?

"Um, ok. Let me finish up what I'm doing here."

NOT the CORRECT ANSWER.

I don't honestly remember exactly what I lovingly said - which I'm kind of sure was pretty bat-shit crazy.  All I remember PC calmly saying is:

"Babe, I'm in the bathroom right now. I really need to finish what I started."

At the end of the day, Jack got to his meeting - just in time to have his snack and learn the Tiger Scout sign and pledge. At least that's what PC told me. Why wasn't I at the meeting? Because I was driving to outter Ish-Ka-Bibble to purchase Jack's Tiger Scout shirt, belt, patches and paraphenalia for his adventures in scouting. That's right - LAME PARENT that I am - my kid didn't even have his uniform for the first meeting.

What is happening to me? I am NOT this parent - I'm not. But I'm going to be honest folks - Fall is KICKING my ASS. Bella has Scouts one night a week, Field Hockey 2 nights a week PLUS a game every Sunday. Jack has soccer practice once a week, a game every Saturday morning and now Scouts once every other week. Combine that with my CRAZY work schedule,  torturous 4th grade homework and Jack's slightly less-torturous 1st grade homework - plus his Religious Ed program - and I am longing for summer. And it's only been fall for about 48 hours.

I KNOW that I am NOT the ONLY Mom who is going through this. I was venting to a gal-pal about this a few days ago and she said:

"It's only Wednesday of the first week of school - GOD I HATE this week. I HATE this Month."

As do we all Sister, as do we all. Why do all of the after-school activities have to start at the same time as school? Can't they let us get back into our groove for a month or so and THEN start up the activities? Nope - why not add insult to injury and go for the gold? Let's try to INDUCE Mommy Melt-Downs on entire communities - entire goegraphical areas - by insisting that soccer, football and field hockey practices all start the same week, the same day AND at the same time. And for the fun of it - let's throw in Girl Scout Cookie sales and booths, a first project and a couple of tests for good measure - all by the 6th consecutive day of school. I can't take it anymore!!!!!

What's a Momma to do?

I saw an interesting news item on GMA this morning. A woman who had been pretty famous in the 80's and 90's has completely gone "off the grid". This woman was worth 200 million dollars at the height of her fame. Today - she lives in the middle of the desert, in a home made entirely out of recycled materials and has NO electricity or running water. She has an outhouse. Quite literally - an OUTHOUSE.

She claims that she and her kids are happy as clams, that she has chosen this life for herself and that it is peaceful and quiet and wonderful.

PC was watching with me and said something to the effect of:

"What a nutcase."

I said:

"I know"

I was thinking:
"God - that would be AWESOME. She doesn't have to worry about GS cookies and sewing on merit badges and earning something called a totem and pissing the field hockey coach off and yadda yadda yadda. I wonder how I could do that same thing only with running water, Facebook and a nearby Target?"