Ass Purse..and other work-a-day things...

So Peeps - can't believe it's here again. Girl Scout Camping weekend. Wow, it seems like it was only 365 short days ago that Bella and I travelled deep into to the wilds of Harford County, MD to spend a weekend camping - and well - what do you know? Time to do it again. Tonight. Well isn't that just a crap-tastic kick in the pants? Not that I don't enjoy communing with nature and all of that stuff - but I don't . I really, really, really don't. And as the rancid whipped cream on this yulk-sundae, I am missing a nail appointment AND I lost a pinky nail today AND it is supposed to rain - ALL DAY tomorrow. So it's shaping up to be a great weekend. And by "great" I mean shitty.

However - it will NOT be any crappier than the week I am leaving behind. (And I think that perhaps, I just invented a new adjective in "crappier" - I'm not sure.) Oh no - not unless I do get poisoned ivy on my lady parts - see last year's camping blog - it will in NO WAY be worse than this past week. You see this week- I had the unique and distinct pleasure of personally visiting buildings in a ceratin school district that is, shall we say, not so scenic - or safe for that matter. Now, to illustrate how unsafe I felt in this particular place, I'd like to transcribe a conversation I had with PC this morning - just to give you an idea of where MY mind has been all week:

PC: "So where are you headed to day?"

Me: "Oh - to the 1800 block of "people murdered here every weekend" avenue. What about you?"

PC: "Uhhh - I'm picking up dry cleaning and having these pants let out a bit."

Me: "Cool. Have fun."

PC: "Um, are you sure it's safe for you to be going to this neighborhood by yourself?"

Me: "Oh, if you're worried about me being dragged from the car, beaten with lead pipes and then being fed to a pack of starving pitbulls - that would have been more appropriate to worry about on Tuesday. Today's neighborhoods might just involve a quick drive by shootiong or a more mundane car-jacking. Nothing too bad."

And here is the sad part - totally not embellishing that one. You know it's been a bad week when a potential car jacking seems "not that bad". When I started this 3 day excursion on Tuesday, PC jokingly said "Just get in and get out." I reminded him that the getting "in" and getting "out" parts were, in fact, the most dangerous parts of my workday.

But, like every ridiculous situation I find myself in - and I seem to find myself in a lot of these - there were many humorous moments interspersed with the terror. Like on Tuesday morning, as I waited to see the principal of a particular school - I was spit on. Yes, that is right - spit on. No, not by a llama as one might expect- but by a human being.  A lovely, darling and obviously precocious little psychopath - I mean cherub- as he was being dragged kicking and screaming into said principal's office. Yes, this little darling took one look at me in my Talbot's crop pants and Ann Taylor twin set and thought: "What's missing on her lovely little springy ensemble? Earrings - check. Necklace - check. Bracelets - check. Oh wait - I know - a lugey. Great - just what I've got." And he proceeded to SPIT on me. Precious - no?

After a series of Brillo pad and Lysol showers, I headed back onto the mean streets this morning to finish visiting my assigned buildings. And boy, oh boy - today did NOT dissappoint! I thought being spit on was exciting - but it pales in comparison to my ass purse. Yes - ass purse - more on that later. But let me tell you about the first building I visited. This particular building was obviously dedicated to employing former circus side-show performers. For every grown-up that I saw was covered in ink - the kind of ink that must be applied to the skin with a series of needles. And one of these heavily tatooed individuals greeted me at the front desk. And let me tell you - nothing says "Welcome to our safe-haven of learning" like being greeted by a woman whose neck is covered in tatoos. As I meekly asked to speak with the principal - she emerged from her office dragging a bored looking child after her and threw him into a chair while screeching, and I quote here: "If I was the police, your butt would have been taaaazzzzzed by now!" I decided that SHE was having a challenging morning and dropped my information on her desk and calmly ran, I mean sauntered, out of the building. At lunch time, while in another fine institution of learning, I heard the following words being gently yelled at a small child - who, incidentally was on his way into the cafeteria to eat: "Get your hands out your pants - that's nasty. Now you gotta eat off those hands."

Nothing puts me in the mood for a good burger like the image of dirty hands covered with hiney-germs holding that burger. Thankfully, I was able to swallow down the throw-up that came up into my mouth and I didn't embarrass myself by puking on the floor.

But, the BEST part of my day happened at the LAST school I visited today. And by BEST - I actually mean best. Totally, ball-busting BEST thing any kid has EVER said to me happened this afternoon - and this is how it all went down:

Me: walking down the hallway, looking for the main office.

Her: walking out of the girl's bathroom as only a self confident 11 year old girl who actually does know "it all" and isn't afraid to show it can walk.

Her: "That's one big purse Lady...not as big as your ass...but big enough."

Yes - she compared my Coach bag...which I'd call mid-sized - to the size of my ass. And yes, she was right - it is , indeed, NOT as big as my ass. Now, while many of you might have been angered or horrified by her fresh-mouthed assertion, I was not. In fact - I was QUITE amused.

Me: "Huh - really?" It was at this point that I took my purse and held it up to my ass and said: "Huh - you're right. It IS smaller than my ass. Cool - thanks for the info."

Now, while you might be wondering "Why wasn't she enraged? Why didn't she report this fresh-mouthed girl to the princiapl?" I was wondering: "Why would she associate my purse with my ass? Are ass sized purses the new trend? Is it only a hip hop trend? Or will this ass purse trend become mainstream? Will Vera Bradley be coming out with new printed, ass- sized handbags? WIll I have to buy the big one? Will it be mandatory to buy one in the size of your ass? Shoot - I really have to rejoin Weight Watchers if this is the new trend. I don't want to have to pay for the big girl sized Vera Bradley bag. Jesus - how expensive will THAT be?  "

WHY didn't I lecture her on the inappropriateness of her comment? Um - have you read the entire blog? This was the last place I had to be. And compared to the delightful things I'd seen and heard this week in the hallways of some of this nation's institutions of learning - this comment was BY FAR the FRIENDLIEST interaction I'd had.

Ok - so now I'm headed back into the woods. AND I was reminded this afternoon that I am NOT to bring booze this year. Apparently it's against some sort of Girl Scout rule. For the love of God - woods, bugs, rain,no heat, no AC, missing a nail appointment AND no booze? ?

Glad I have all of my stuff already packed in my gigantic ass purse.....