Welcome to One Busy Momma! The Blog for Busy Moms by one Busy Mom.....

Welcome to my blog. One Busy Momma is my space to rant about my life and the things that happen in it. I have a crazy life - and instead of focusing on the crazy - I like to focus on the funny. Because if I focused on the craziness - well, I'd have been shipped off to an institution long, long ago. And while, I'll admit, there are some days when being institutionalized sounds PRETTY GOOD compared to making ANOTHER diorama at 1am - I'd rather be right where I am - in my messy house with my not so perfect kids making crooked dioramas in the middle of the night.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Well..it's been real Peeps!

Well, hello there loyal readers. I am writing what might very well be my last blog post ever. I'm not sure if you all are aware of this - but APPARENTLY, the world is about to come to an end. No kidding. Happy Saturday!

IMAGINE my surprise when, this past Wednesday, I was driving to work, minding my own buisiness, and what do I hear on SIrius radio but a discussion about The Rapture and Judgement Day and the Second Coming of Christ - and holy cow - it's all happening on May 21st! Now, I wasn't listening to some sort of Holy Roller station - I was listening to STARS. I just subscribed to satelite radio and I'm still getting familiar with the stations but STARS seems to be just a mash up of famous people with radio shows. So the show I was listening to featured 2 guys - Opie and Anthony "Lite" type guys - funny but not disgusting. And these guys were talking about how according to some right wing conservative  Christian group, the Rapture will take place on May 21st, 2011 and the world will come to an end on October 21st, 2011. Apparently these people read the bible literally and use it as some sort of calendar to predict major events.

Well butter my butt and call it a biscut, because I had NO idea. I mean none. We only have 8 days left Peeps. Well, let me reframe that - SOME of us only have 8 days left. The rest of us - those who are still here on the morning of May 22nd- are basically screwed.

Or ARE we???????

Here's my take on this...and my plan. Listen, those of you who know me know that I'm basically a good person. However, I have my faults...overall snarkiness, a bad attitude sometimes, I enjoy me a cocktail or 7, I can swear like a sailor and let's just say this: come after me or one of mine and I will DESTROY you with my razor sharp tongue and poisoned pen. (That should make some of you laugh very hard this week.) And let's not even discuss my views on gay rights or any other topic that, according to these Christian folks, will send me STRAIGHT to hell and damnation. (Along with all of my closest friends) So, if we are to believe these guys - I'm still gonna be here on May 22nd with all of my gay and lesbian friends, my Jewish pals, the Muslim brotherhood, anyone who believes in science and the value of research and Lady Gaga. Now, at first, this upset me. But now, I'm kind of seeing this as an opportunity rather than a tragedy.

Here are my thoughts - if I'm left behind...I'm going to LIVE it UP! First thing I'm doing is learning how to hot wire a car. Then, I will find the home of someone who has been raptured - or whatever the heck we will call it, and I'm "borrowing" their car. Now, I have a friend who happens to have a Porche. He's a good guy. Chances are - he's going to go. So, I am asking him NOT to have his car keys anywhere on his person on May 21st. That way, if he does go - the keys to the Porche are still here and I don't have to waste time learning how to hot wire.

Next - I am finding the most AWESOME house I can - pool, jacuzzi, tennis courts, state of the art sound system- and I'm MOVING in. I'm bringing my suitcases, my kids and PC and we're in like Flynn. I'll immediately change all of the locks and I will guard my new house like a hungry pitbull guards a Porterhouse steak.

Then - I'm partying like it's 1999. Seriously - why not? If we're all going to hell anyway - why not DESERVE it? Gluttony and  Debauchery every night! I'm pulling the kids out of school - because God knows, I don't want to spend the last 6 months of my life worrying about book reports and Social Studies tests. We will travel and live it up. I mean we might as well go out in style!

Now, there is ALWAYS the possibility that I am wrong and that I will be swept out of my shoes and just ascend into heaven in Blessed Mother style. And I've gotta say - that would be pretty freaking AWESOME! Although...I don't want to be literally swept out of my shoes. I really like my shoes. Especially my new pink patent leather peep toe pumps. I'd hate to leave those puppies behind. Anywho... if that DOES indeed happen - here's the plan. We need a meet up point in heaven. Hermione and I spoke about this at length yesterday. Hermione seems to assume that she's going straight up - no judgement here - but she's pretty confident - that's all I'm saying. And she doesn't swear as badly as I do - so she does have a better shot than me. Anyway - we agreed to meet in the shoe department of the heavenly Nordstroms. We think that in heaven, there is a Nordstroms with the most amazing shoe department ever. And all of the most beautifully impossible shoes you could imagine will fit you, be comfortable AND will be GIVEN to you. (It is heaven!) So, Fifi, Hermionie, Glynnis, Sookie, Her Awesomeness and Xena will ALL be there when you arrive. DON'T go to the Juniors shoe department - we will be in the big girl department looking at Manolos, Jimmy Choos, Loboutins and so on. None of those Steve Madden cheapies. $500.00 a pair and UP in heaven. I will be the one wearing the diamond encrusted 6 inch stilettoes. Fifi will be instantly recognizable by the offbeat yet incredibly fashionable, incredibly high heels she will undoubdtedly be sporting, Glynnis will be recognized by her sheer regal height - she's already 6 foot without heels - she will be towering over all of us in her 6 inch spikes. (She will also be getting shoes off of high shelves for me.) You will recognize Sookie by the tasteful, yet elegant and refined pumps she will select. I'm thinking a timeless black patent leather pump by Louboutin with hot red soles. Xena will be wearing Dansko Clogs - cause she loves them and even in heaven - she's staedy as a freaking rock and will remain true to herself. Her Awesomeness will be recognizable by...well, let's face it - her sheer, unadulterated awesomeness. No doubt she will be running the show up there, making sure that everyone gets what they want, no one - like me - hogs the diamond shoes and that no one has to wait in line. She will also know exactly where to go to get matching sexy dresses that do NOT require any type of Spanks-like garment underneath to make you look 10 pounds thinner. Knowing HA - she will already have a map of the heavenly Nordstroms in her purse. And Hermione will be the one arguing with me. I will be saying:
"GET the diamond shoes! It's HEAVEN for God's sake! They don't cost anything! For ONCE in your LIFE do something CRAZY!!!"
And she will say:
"I don't care - they are a waste. I won't wear them. I'm getting these Puma sneakers. That's it. I don't need anything else. And where are YOU going to wear Diamond shoes? How will you walk to the ballfield to watch Jack and Aiden's games in those? Get a freaking pair of sneakers and Give those diamond shoes to Bella ."

So Peeps - this might be goodbye...for now. Hopefully we will all meet again in the heavenly Nordstrom's. If not - head up to my neck of the woods. Listen for the soulful sounds of Jon Bon Jovi blasting late into the night. Watch for the unmistakable flashes of disco ball lights...follow the gloria Gaynor song you hear...and you will find Busy Momma and all of her friends rocking in the rapture....

1 comment:

  1. I will only go for the Pumas if they are a fun color. I like to put the "Uh, what the hell?" in my dressy work clothes. Afterall, I am running after kids. Wait a minute! It's Heaven! I don't have to run! Okay, sign me up for an amazingly tall pair of Jimmy's with lots of bling, that God created with comfort in mind and a pair of angel wings on the heels (just in case any of my little hellions make it into Heaven with me).