My Son - the Priest?

Hey peeps! What's cooking? All is well and BUSY in Busy Momma land. Getting ready to host Lane Christmas - my family's EPIC Christmas extravaganza - and my absolutely FAVORITE day of the entire year. It's the day that MY family gets together to celebrate Christmas as only the Lane family can do - LOUDLY, with much fun and frivolity. This year I think we are up to 20 people because the fabulously GORGEOUS Erin Lane is joining us as she recently moved to DC. My cousin and I trade off on hosting duties year to year and this year is my turn. I usually get the whole she-bang catered - but this year I COOKED everything myself. I have 2 lasagnas, 2 trays of meatballs and home made sauce in the freezer. Mom is making appetizers, I ordered an awesome Graul's cake..all I need to do is a booze run and make a salad and we are locked and loaded!

The other project we are working on is Jack's 1st Communion. What an endeavor. Sookie and I are trying to get Jack and Sook-ette's 1st communion on the same day so that we can have a combo party. That's not the stressful thing about this project. What is stressing me out is working with Jack to complete the First Eucharist book. Now, if you've been reading the blog - you know that religion is NOT Jack's cup of tea. Jack prays at the altar of the Baltimore Ravens every Sunday. He begrudgingly goes to mass and has been known to do things such as roll his eyes and visit the bathroom 27 times during a 45 minute mass. When he was in Kindergarden, his sister asked him about the "real" meaning of Christmas. He responded that Christmas is about Santa, Rudolph and The Grinch. His sister was appalled and IMMEDIATELY launched into a diatribe about Jesus and his birthday and Wise Men, Shepards, Angels and Stars. Jack replied: "Oh right - Jesus. He's the guy at church with the arms? " (Jack does his best cruxifiction pose at this point in the conversation.) "I totally forgot about that dude."

So - needless to say, we don't have high hopes of Jack entering the seminary. (Despite the fact that he is the lone son of an Irish mother.) Getting through the Reconcilliation book was bad enough - so I was semi-prepared for what was facing me with the 1st Eucharist book. Or so I thought.....

The book is due in a few weeks, and last night we had a pretty light homework night. So, I decided to bite the bullet and do the first chapter with my boy. Keep in mind that this is not brain surgery and we are encouraged to make the time we work on the book a "special" bonding time to prepare the family for the many blessings and graces that the sacrament will provide.

The very first page of the book was a "family activity" page. So, like any good Catholic mother, I read him the directions while I was making dinner and we talked about what he was supposed to do. This is what the directions said: " With your child, recall experiences of thankfulness by writing or drawing about something that makes you feel thankful."

NOT DIFFICULT. Just the nightbefore, Jack said that he was thankful that Dixie sent Jake the puppy to us. So I reminded him of this and told him to draw a picture of Jake, our puppy. So, as I was busily making pork chops, Jack was drawing a picture. I realized that something was going HORRIBLY wrong when Jack started laughing - like a maniac- and was covering his paper - like someone might be copying his work. As my hands were covered in raw pork chop goo, I needed to wash and dry them before I investigated.

Are you ready???

My darling boy - my love, the boy who once told me that he wanted to marry me and only me...had indeed drawn a picture of Jake the puppy. Unfortunately, his rendition of Jake is of a dog, raising it's back leg and pissing on a carpet - complete with anatomically correct boy dog parts! And to top it all off - the puppy has a speech bubble over his head that reads:

"Hahahaha Mommy! I am peeing on the carpet!"

In the FREAKING 1st Communion book - for all the world to see! The VERY FIRST THING his teacher will see when she checks this book is a picture of my dog PISSING on my carpet and LAUGHING at me!!!!!!!!

Want to know what Bella's picture showed? (because Oh yes - I DID save her book and I checked it!) It showed ME as a mermaid - and it said:

 "I am thankful for my Mommy"

As it should...

(And I had a lovely rack and very skinny mermaid tail in HER drawing)

WHAT IS WRONG with JACK????????? HOLY SHIT! So of course I freaked the freak out and erased the picture and made him draw it again. Now the speech bubble says: "I love you". Poor PC was home at the time and could not even understand what I was saying until he looked in the book and then walked away so that he could laugh in private.

AND THEN - to make matters WORSE...the next thing we had to do was draw a picture of what we already knew about Jesus. So, Jack draws Jesus on the cross. Ok - no problem. Until I said that he had to COLOR the picture. Well - you would have thought I asked him to crucify himself! The child colors the cross brown and says - "Well, I'm all done here." And I said: "No you're not - what about Jesus? Color Jesus!"
So Jack is SO exhasperated at this point he GLARES at me and says: "Fine - give me a purple crayon."

And ALL HELL breaks loose. PURPLE??????????????

Poor PC. He's just about had it at this point and he rushes into the room to save Jack's life as I am LITERALLY SCREECHING: "JESUS DIED ON THE CROSS FOR YOU! THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS COLOR HIM SKIN COLOR! HE IS NOT A GOD DAMNED MUPPET!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I don't know if we're going to make it to First Communion, peeps. I really don't. Jack wants to make his Eucharist banner out of Star Wars Lego characters. I am volunteering to be on the retreat committee so that I can be in charge of Jacks' banner. I am literally afraid to leave it up to him. Will the host sizzle on his tongue? Will it bounce out of his mouth? I'm sweating this - I really am!

PC is working through chapter 2 in the book as I type this post. So far, so good. No screaming or screeching.  The again...chapter 2 does not involve drawing of any kind....

Dear God help me.....