Welcome to One Busy Momma! The Blog for Busy Moms by one Busy Mom.....

Welcome to my blog. One Busy Momma is my space to rant about my life and the things that happen in it. I have a crazy life - and instead of focusing on the crazy - I like to focus on the funny. Because if I focused on the craziness - well, I'd have been shipped off to an institution long, long ago. And while, I'll admit, there are some days when being institutionalized sounds PRETTY GOOD compared to making ANOTHER diorama at 1am - I'd rather be right where I am - in my messy house with my not so perfect kids making crooked dioramas in the middle of the night.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

My Brand of Crazy

So - a wise woman once said that we're all a little bit crazy. (I might have totally just made that up - don't know.)  Some of us, like Busy Momma, take that crazy to a whole new level. And by 'crazy", I don't mean real mental illness. I mean everyday quirkiness that makes us who we are. I was reminded of my unique brand of "crazy" the other day as I was talking with one of my girls.

This particular gal happens to work for a minor celebrity. Actually, less of a celebrity really and more like someone who might CATER to celebrities. Let's just put it this way - if I mentioned this person's name - many of my female readers would recognize the name.The 2 men who read this blog would have no clue - that's all I'm saying'. That's all you're getting from me.

So anyway - as we were speaking about my pal's day at work, I might have casually mentioned that what her boss really needs is to have ME in HER life. Because, in MY deluded world, I truly believe that all this person needs is Busy Momma's brand of wisdom. And by "what this person really needs", I really mean what I need is to have this particular person in MY life. I'd really like to have her ear. And not because I think she's an awesome, amazing, inspirational business woman who I could learn ALOT from. Nope - not really. I think I need to have her in MY life because I am, if nothing else, at my core, a celebrity crazed, pop-culture whore who could milk this relationship for ALL it's worth. There it is peeps - in black and white. I want this gal's ear because I truly believe that she could make ALL of my celebrity dreams come true. Here is how it would work:

Let's say that this particular person and I were to randomly meet in a very carefully crafted and manipulated situation - like perhaps I "drop-in" to her offices in NYC to take my girlfriend out to lunch. (Never mind that her office and my New York office are AT LEAST 2 subway rides across town from one another and I would have no time to leave my Midtown office to just casually "stroll" down and across town to randomly "meet up" with my pal - but her boss doesn't know this...) And as I walk in, at a time when I KNOW full well that this woman will be in the office, I am uber- uber cool. I mean, Angelina Jolie level cool.

(Caveat to this plan - my friend will NEVER allow this meeting to take place because she thinks that either :

 1. I will go all ape-shit upon meeting this woman and totally embarrass her leading her to have to call the cops and tell them that I am a stalker and that she doesn't know who the hell I am and to arrest me right away.


2. I will SO over-act the whole "Angelina cool business" that the gig will be up even before it starts.

Oh yea of little faith.....)

I will say something like: "Oh, hello. You must be _____. I'm One Busy Momma - yes, the One Busy Momma. Oh - thanks - yes I do hear that the blog is sometimes funny and witty. Oh - now you're embarrassing me. You're a sweet heart. I'm here to steal your _________ away for a quick bite of lunch. I don't suppose you'd like to join us?"

And here's the crazy- she agrees. And over a lunch consisting of a Nicoise salad - a parasitic friendship is born. And I become the Kato Kalin of her life.

Now - that's crazy and deluded enough - but here is where the real crazy begins. Because I can see this one meeting leading in all KINDS of wonderfully different directions for me.  Let's say that this person could introduce me to someone TRULY powerful in my celebrity world - like Kris Kardashian Jenner! BOOM - Keeping Up with One Busy Momma and Crew ! BOOM - Busy Momma and Crew take Paris! (OK - maybe not Paris - but maybe "Busy Momma and Crew take Target"!)

Soon, I am a household name. And what does EVERY household name need? A stylist! BOOM - Rachel Zoe enters my life and it is BANANAS I tell you! Rachel and I get close - I mean REALLY, REALLY close. I give her parenting advice and she gives me tips and tricks that allow me to loose those last 60 pregnancy pounds in a month. This probably involves a small detour down "heroin highway" - but hey - I'm skinny in 30 days. Then after an embarrasing incident on a red carpet somewhere, Kris decides that for Februaray sweeps - we need an INTERVENTION episode and BOOM - Dr. Phil enters my life. The scene is set - I am invited to Kris' house for a "Tupperware" party - but when I get there - the gig is up. Rachel, Kris, Bruce, Kim, Khloe, Kourtney - and Scott - all intervene with me and convince me to go to rehab...and I say no, no, no...until I learn that rehab is in MALIBU on the beach! Holla!I quickly change my mind and BOOM! I spend 45 days at Promises in Malibu, and who do I befriend? LINDASY LOHAN baby! And what happens next is not to be believed!

I am featured on the COVER of PEOPLE magazine as the lady who FINALLY helped Lindsay clean up her act. I become a mother figure for Lindsay and the next thing you know - she is accepting an Academy Award for her gritty and raw performance as "Terri" - the girl who would become Mother Theresa. And in her speech she thanks ME for making it all possible and getting her off of the SMACK. She demands that I stand up and join her on stage - I am her date to the awards of course. And despite my best efforts and 10 pounds of Spanks, all of the excess skin around my middle is still visible under my Carolina Herrara gown - 'cause that's how I roll these days. And WHO happens to be watching the awards shows but - ADRIENNE MALOOF (my FAVORITE Beverly Hills housewife). She intervenes with her husband Paul - plastic surgeon to the stars and BOOM! Tummy tuck, boob job, nose job, thigh sculpting and butt lift!

The next thing you know, my favorite network - Bravo TV - approaches me about expanding my growing media empire. My televised plastic surgery did SO well on the ratings charts, that they would like to expand their Real Housewives franchise and feature me and the girls in "The Real Housewives of Bel Air, MD". How could we say no? And them BOOM - Sookie, Her Awesomeness, Glyniss, Xena, Carrie and myself are receiving NOBEL Peace Prizes for bringing the "reality" back to reality tv. (I think it is the episode where I sit Scott Disick down and explain to him that the only thing worse than being famous for nothing is being famous because you impregnanted someone who is famous for nothing that truly clinches the award for us.In the gut-wrenching double episode, I convince Scott that he needs to do MORE with his life than buy Bentleys, Grand pianos and wear smoking jackets all day long. And he agrees, goes to medical school and finds a cure for hormonal neck acne. It's amazing tv.)

I could go on all day here peeps. I haven't even BEGUN to explain how I become the DARLING of the gay fashion community by appearing on "It's a Brad, Brad World" OR how I save Dancing with the Stars by agreeing to go on and dance my way to the mirror ball trophy with my darling Louis Van Amstell. Our Passe Doble brings tears to Len Goodman's eyes - that's all I'm saying.

Crazy talk? Perhaps....but in a world where Scott Disick IS a celebrity, where Kim Kardashian believes that going to HAITI and watching a fashion show there will somehow save her tarnished public image and a man named Newt thinks he can become the next President of the United States - how crazy AM I really??????????????


  1. Shoot. Now you got me worried that the whole world is crazy. Hmm. I like the whole idea of having a stylist though...

  2. Right??? Rachel Zoe, baby! Bananas!!