When there are no words....

Angel of God

                                                                 My guardian dear
                                                              For whom God's love
                                                                Commits me here
                                                                      Ever this day
                                                                      Be at my side
                                                                 To light and guard
                                                                   To rule and guide.
                                                                           Amen

Once again, this country has been rocked to its core by an act of violence, so senseless and so brutal, it truly boggles the mind and breaks the heart. 24 hours after a man walked into an elementary school and killed 18 children - kindergarten babies -  and 8 adults, we are reeling with more questions than answers, more heartache than cognition and a unquenchable need for an explanation. We need to know WHY this happened. We need to try to understand what was happening in this man's head, why he felt it neccessary to prove his point by walking into a school and killing innocent children. What was he trying to say? And why did he need to say it that way? It is as if maybe, just maybe, if we could understand WHY he did this, we could make sense of it. And if we could somehow make sense of it, it wouldn't hurt so badly. And yet, intellectually, we know that is wrong. We know that hearing about this guy's motive, or reading a letter he left behind won't make a shred of difference, yet - we still seek to understand. We watch the news, we can't tear ourselves away from the 24-hour coverage of this event. We watch in horror as images of terrified children, traumatized families, mothers and fathers in agony flash before our eyes. We watch and cry, and watch some more. It isn't good for us to watch this - yet we can't stop because we must try try to find the answer to the question "why?".

And there is NO shortage of opinions out there. If you want some answers - just go check your Facebook page. According to the last time I checked my FB page, this happened because:

1. we took God out of schools
2. we need to "get serious" about gun control
3. we need to remember that psychos kill people - guns don't kill people
4. we are a God-less society in general
5. we need better mental health services in this country
6. apparently, it is easier to get a gun than access to National Health Care
7. we pray too much instead of focusing on what really matters - gun control

and on and on and on. At first it really pissed me off to see all of this political stuff being posted on FB right after this happened. There is a time and a place for true political discourse - but now is not the time and FACEBOOK is hardly the place. And this blog is not the place - so don't expect Busy Momma to start spewing her opinion. Because my opinion on gun control doesn't matter right now. None of this matters right now to the 18 men and women that PC and I are unfortunately welcoming into the club that we gained access to just about 2 years ago. (Actually - 713 days ago to be exact.) The saddest, most exclusive club on Earth that no one in their right mind would ever choose to join.

                                                            The Grieving Parents Club

I'm sure that you have all seen this image - it was all over FB yesterday. PC can barely stand to look at it. I love it. If I could tatoo it on my face I would. If I could wear it around my neck I would. It captures what I have felt for the past 713 days perfectly. The only thing that gives me hope as I suffer the agony of my grief on a daily basis is the hope and belief that our child is in a better place. That somehow, he is playing in fields of endless sunshine and running barefooted through silky green blades of grass covered with a delicate, crystal dew that sparkles in the early morning sunlight.  I picture him being chased by Dixie, my beloved poochie-pie, and his laughing Granddad who has to stop and catch his breath every so often as he races to keep up with the one grandson that has been entrusted to his loving care. I picture a beautiful waterfall with a cavern behind it, filled with sparking wonders hanging from the ceiling - and plenty of critters and creatures that any little boy would love to dig up and discover. I picture my boy, Aiden, running and laughing and flying kites and literally bouncing on big puffy clouds and sliding down rainbows. I have to make that mind movie every night before I go to sleep and every morning before I get out of bed. If I don't - I'm not able to do either. I have to believe that my image, my "heaven" if you will, is like that. And the 18 men and women who joined my club yesterday, might have to do something like that as well.

We all grieve in different ways. Some people will join support groups and surround themselves with other grieving parents so that they can talk to people who really understand what they feel and what they've been through. I am not the support group type of gal - because I believe that NO ONE knows exactly how I feel about losing Aiden. Even other women who have experienced fetal death. My experience and my journey is unique to me - that's just how I feel. And I doubt that these 18 unfortunate souls will find anyone - other than themselves - who really "understand" what they are feeling and working through. Maybe if they move to Columbine.

Some people will turn this around and make all sorts of wonderful things happen because of this tragedy. Parents will start scholarships and other types of memorial funds. Countless other kids will benefit from the work that these parents will do in the hopes that somehow, some way, their beautiful, precious child will be remembered for something good - great even - NOT as just another name in the roster of victims from yesterday's event. I wish them well and so admire the strength and courage they will exhibit.

No matter how these people grieve outwardly - their inner life will be forever altered. They will never get a break from their grief, they will never have a day where they don't experience some facet of heartbreaking sadness. They will go on, I hope. They will continue to live their lives and they will somehow find the strength to rejoin polite society. I bet some of them will move away and try to start anew. I bet many of them will get sick of people staring at them or worse - averting their eyes from them - in the grocery store, at the dry cleaners or the pizza place.

In the coming days, they will be overwhelmed by the generosity of their friends, neighbors and people they don't even know. They will also hear some stupid, insensitive comments like: "It was just her time to go", or, my personal favorite: "You are young. You can have another child and start over." They will hear some people say that "this was God's plan" for their baby. These people mean well, and are trying to comfort - but their meaningless, senseless platitudes will, undoubtedly, send one of these parents over the edge. The grief monster will come and live under their beds, like he lives under ours. He will sneak up on them when they least expect him to. They will think they are going crazy because they will hear their child calling out to them as they pass a playground. They will see their child running away from them in a crowded mall. They will fill their cart at the grocery store with "his" favorite juice boxes or "her" favorite cookies and only realize what they did when they are checking out and then they will start to cry and walk out - leaving a full cart and a very uncomfortable checkout clerk behind. They will feel like they are drowning in their own tears, and then they will feel like they have cried out every possible tear - and when they start again - they will be shocked that they have more tears to cry. In short - they are in for a lifetime of "This Sucks".

Don't get me wrong - there will be happy days ahead. Their other children will bring them such comfort and help them heal. They will do things to help themselves - like take a great vacation, get a puppy, take up a new hobby - something that gives them something to look forward to. So that they don't have to constantly look back. Some of them WILL have another baby - and that will be wonderful for them. But, no matter what they do - in the back of their minds - or maybe at the front of their minds - there will be a little cloud of saddness. The knowlege that someone is missing, that somehow, no matter how pretty the picture IS, something, someone is missing. Something is just not quite right. The picture should be prettier.

I don't know why these things happen. I don't know why a loving God would give us these children, only to take them back so quickly. I don't know what we are supposed to learn from this - I really don't. But there are some things that I DO know.

 I do know that these parents, like PC and I, are probably no longer afraid of death. I heard Patsy Ramsey - Jonbenet's mom - say something so profound once. She was being interviewed and it was widely known that she was suffering with terminal cancer. And the interviewer said: "Are you afraid of death?" And Mrs. Ramsey's response was so amazing. She broke into a HUGE grin - her face literally LIT UP - and she said: "Oh no. Oh no - I know that when I die, I will get to see my Jonbenet again. No, I am not afraid at all." She died a short while later.

I DO know that THIS was certainly NOT God's plan. This is not God's fault. This was the fault of one man - the man who walked into that school and made the choice to reign down unspeakable evil on those 28 innocent souls.

I DO know that God was there yesterday. I DO know that God, or his Guardian Angel, was with each and every person gunned down yesterday. I KNOW that those boys and girls and men and women were led to heaven by a loving God. A Guardian Angel.

I DO know that it will be by the grace of God that those parents and family members will make it through the coming days. The grace of God will help them make arrangements and watch as their babies are lowered into the ground. The grace of God will keep them from jumping in the hole in the frozen ground as they will want to do. The grace of God will help them face Christmas Day - because as much as they won't want it to - it will dawn. And they will have to somehow make it through the day. And it will be by the grace of God that the day will end. And a new day will dawn. And they will have survived.