Hi Peeps! Well - it's that time again - the Winter Games are in full swing. And as always, it is SO exciting. So far we have watched the figure skating team competition and a few of the skiing and snow boarding events. I am really looking forward to the rest of the figure skating - it's my favorite! So, yesterday, I was listening to a morning show on the radio, and one of the DJs asked: "What winter Olympic event do you think you might be able to medal in?' And, sadly, when once I would have said figure skating...yesterday - I said Curling. Because it's essentially what I do every night when I sweep the kitchen floor - right? How sad is that? The only "sport" I think myself capable of excelling in is...sweeping the floor. That might be impressive in the Cinderella Olympics.on a Disney Cruise.....but not so impressive in Sochi.
Oh no. These events will be epic. And hard - really challenging. Because really, Olympic mommies need to go hard or go home. So - here it is - a list of the Mommy Olympics Events:
1. The Mommy Biathlon: Now in Sochi, the biathletes strap cross country skis on their feet and a shot gun on their backs. They ski and every now and then, they drop to the ground and shoot this gun at a target. For no apparent reason. Seriously? Anyone can do that. The Mommy Olympics Biathlon will still involve strapping on cross country skis. However, instead of a gun, the moms will strap a sick baby on their front. The baby will have some sort of GI issue - so the kid will either be puking or pooping. The mom will have to cross country ski to a supply station where she will have to get a prescription filled, and purchase supplies for the sick baby - Pedialyte, diapers, wipes and baby Tylenol. All while keeping the sick baby from flipping out AND spewing or pooping all over the supply station. If the baby spews, has a diaper blow out or flips out - the mom is DQ'd.
2. The Mommy Bobsled: So, I will admit - bobsledding is seriously hard core. I had the opportunity to do it at the Salt Lake City Olympic venue a few years ago. AND I totally wussed out. I mean, seriously, I break my parts by walking down the street. I was seriously afraid that I'd kill myself. That being said - the Mommy bobsledding event will involve the actual bobsled event, on the bobsled track, however - the bobsledders will have to balance a travel cup of hot coffee in between their knees AND they also MUST install a carseat properly into the bobsled. This installation will be timed and must be checked for safety by a State Trooper before the sledders push off. The team that finishes first with the car seat still in the sled AND has not spilled their coffee are the winners.
3. The Mommy Speed Skating Event: Speed skating is pretty easy - I mean it's just a race on skates. Little kids in Holland do this every day - Hans Brinker sound familiar? We need to "mommy-fy" this event - so here's what we will do: The event will involve the moms running late and racing to make a Parent Teacher conference. The moms will have to strap on not only speed skates, but also one of those creepy life like animatronic babies. They will have to speed skate to the finish line - the meeting- all while keeping that baby "sleeping" and navigating around roadblocks...like traffic jams on the ice, red lights and slow old-lady skaters blocking their path. They cannot cuss or shout, or they will wake the sleeping baby and be DQd.
4. The Mommy Downhill: As I do not ski, I really shouldn't pass judgement on how hard it is... and as several famous people have died while skiing downhill - I'm going to assume it is not as easy, breezy as it looks. But still - we have to Mommy-fy it.
So in this event, the moms will have to ski down a quadruple black diamond run - while checking in at several pit stops along the way. Each Mom will have to pick up several items at each pit stop: Stop 1: dry cleaning, Stop 2: A case of diapers, Stop 3: a healthy dinner from Boston Market for 4 people and Stop 4: milk, bread, eggs and toilet paper. The moms will have to find a way to attach these items to her person, and cannot break or lose anything on the way down the hill. If something drops and does not break, the mom will have to stop and pick it up, adjust her packages and keep on skiing. If she loses any of the drycleaning, Boston Market Side dishes, the diapers or breaks the eggs - she is DQd.
5. The Mommy Skeleton Event - OK, so have you seen the Skeleton event yet? It's really like sledding...headfirst at insane speeds along a super-slippery death track. Look - does this look safe?:
So, I can't make this any scarier or harder....or maybe I can! The moms will not compete in this event. Each mom will get a call in the middle of the night that one of their kids was screwing around on the Skeleton track and is currently in the ER. The mom will have to get dressed and make her way to the hospital, in a foreign country, in the middle of the night. Once mom gets to the ER, she will be told that their kid is ok - but "pretty banged up", is being XRayed and that the doctor will see her soon, In the meantime, she will have to fill out the intake paper work with a gum chewing, 19 year-old hospital worker who takes mom's insurance card and promptly tells mom that her insurance has been cancelled. Mom will have to contact her insurance company and will be told that this is all a mistake, but unfortunately it will take several days to get everything sorted out. So she should just pay her ER bill and submit the receipts. And she will "eventually" be reimbursed. Then she will be told that the doctor is ready to see her. When the doctor opens his mouth to speak - she can't understand a word that he says. The more she asks him to repeat himself, the angrier he gets. The mom who keeps her shit together and doesn't go postal when given a bill for $8,000.00 wins a medal.
So - who wants to sign up for Team Mommy USA? Spanx , Tampax , Berringer and Gallo wines are our team's official sponsors. We will have really awesome uniforms that have built in tummy tucking lycra technology and will, of course, be fashioned out of moisture wicking fabric for team members who are experiencing hot flashes. I think I have thought of everything here. Comment if you'd like to be considered for the team!
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