A Hypochondriac Walks into the Doctor's Office...

Hey Peeps! Enjoying this Spring Warm-Up? Wa-HOOOO!!! I hope everyone out there is feeling good...because Busy Momma is NOT. Nope - not by a long shot. You see, it appears that after 41 years of a blissful life together - a life filled with love and happiness and Margaritas, Pizza, Nachos, and waaaay too many Oreos - my gallbladder is looking to make a run for it. She wants out - and she is NOT being subtle about it. What a BITCH!

She started complaining last Saturday night after a DELICIOUS dinner of Chicken Parm - complaining LOUDLY. In quite a rude manner I might add. The pain she caused was so severe, I had to doula myself through it with Lamaze breathing and PANTING. Yes - panting. I dare say that she caused pain that was SO severe - it was WORSE than labor. So after a trip to the doctor and an ultrasound - I am waiting for confirmation that my gallbladder and I must separate. Now, according to my doctor it is probably my gallbladder. But, according to WebMD - it could be a wide variety of other HORRIBLE illnesses. Some of them are sicknesses that I can't even PRONOUNCE. Those must be super-duper bad.

Note: in the interest of full disclosure, I am a BIT of a hypochondriac. While pregnant with Bella, my OB CONFISCATED my copy of What to Expect When You're Expecting, because I was walking into every appointment with  self-diagnosed illnesses that apparently were very rare and occurred only in people who were born in East Ishkabbibble and had recently traveled to Liberia and had been bitten by a spider monkey. And in the spirit of true transparency, I will admit that I once called my doctor and DEMANDED her one daily "emergency" appointment because I was CONVINCED that I had a pulmonary embolism. In  my defense - I did have MANY of the symptoms. Fortunately I did NOT have that horrible condition. What I had was a bad case of Indigestion...but it COULD have been an embolism 

This means surgery - laparoscopic surgery - but abdominal surgery none-the-less. Routine surgery, nothing to worry about. So easy that they let interns do it, right? Yes indeed - and if you've ever watched ER or Grey's Anatomy you know that it is these "routine", "so easy I can do it blindfolded" types of surgeries are where ALL FATAL mistakes are made. I DISTINCTLY remember George O'Malley killing someone during some sort of easy procedure...and they called him 007 until his dying day.

 And there were COUNTLESS tragic deaths on ER - at least one per week. Think about it - usually the people having some sort of "high profile" surgery...like having a bud of a second head removed or having your heart removed and replaced with a baboon heart...survive. They have the best surgeons, the best nurses, the best anesthesia people - no one is going to let THEM die. But they can put their B team - even their C team on gallbladder surgeries.

This was what was going through my head as I was having my abdomen scanned on Thursday. So - I decided to be pro-Active instead of RE-ACTIVE as I usually am. I came up with a list of rules for my OR team (Should I need one).

1. DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, do ANYTHING that would cause YOU or anyone else in the room call for an "Epi - STAT!". I don't know what that actually is, but I have watched enough ER to know that calling for an "Epi - STAT!" leads to nothing good. 
2. Do NOT, under ANY circumstances, leave ANYTHING inside of me. Do not leave any sponges, gallbladder sucker-outer tools, latex gloves, wedding rings, earrings, tissues, spare change, your watch, or a contact lens inside of me. Because anything you leave behind is mine...and it is NOT coming out. (Unless it is a Rolex or a serious diamond - then I WILL have it removed and wear it)
3. Give me enough anesthesia. I do NOT want to be waking up while you people are sucking my gallbladder out through my belly button. I will be seriously pissed if that happens.
4. Don't infect me with any MERSA or Skin-Eating bacteria or ANY of that shit. So when you are scrubbing - you'd better scrub at least 2 layers of skin off. Once you've scrubbed - scrub again. Seriously. I am a mom and I WILL smell ALL of your hands for soap.
5. We are a litigious people. We do NOT play. If you kill me - you WILL pay. My husband will sue you for enough money to buy himself a jet pack and hire a new mother for his children. Probably someone tall with a spicy Latin accent and a killer body - and we all know - those chicks are NOT cheap.
6. Don't TALK to anyone during my surgery about ANYTHING that is unrelated to me or my surgery. No talking about your brackets - I don't give a crap about college basketball. NO discussion about American Idol, or The Walking Dead or Scandal or ANY TV show...or movie while we're at it. Do NOT get distracted...that is how watches and fake acrylic nails get left inside of people.
7. Don't take out ANYTHING else. You are tasked to remove my gallbladder and ONLY my gallbladder. When I wake up, I expect to have 2 legs, 2 arms, all of my fingers and toes, 2 kidneys, 1 liver, 2 lungs and all of my other bits and pieces. (Now if someone decides to throw in a little liposuction, a boob job or a nice lifestyle lift while I'm under - I wouldn't complain.)
8. Do NOT send a priest in to "pray" with me before surgery. That will push me right over the edge. If you must send someone in - send in a hot firefighter wearing his sexy fireman pants, suspenders and not much else. 
9. Shoot me up with some happy drugs - the good stuff - while I am waiting for surgery. I want to be singing showtunes while waiting...make me happy and, well, let's face it - we'll ALL be happy.
10. I had better wake up in a private room filled with flowers and balloons and hot, male nurses. Seriously.

Oh - and I am so NOT wearing a hospital gown. That is NOT happening. I will be wearing my OWN pjs - cute ones that I will buy especially for my hospital stay. And I will be in full makeup and hair as I am wheeled in. Research says that people pay more positive attention to attractive people. They treat them with more respect, they are taken more seriously and deemed more intelligent by other people. I am not joking - I read it in O - the Oprah magazine.  

Well - that's all. I am off to The Muppet Movie to distract me while I wait for my results. This might be my last post for a while...or ever. JUST KIDDING!!!! Until we meet again my Peeps - Stay Happy, Stay Beautiful and for God's Sake - Stay Young! This getting old shit is for the birds....