So - it's the most wonderful time of the year. The sun is shining, the roses are blooming, new life abounds....and yes, The Real Housewives of New Jersey are back BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Many of you know of my stalker-like devotion to these wise-cracking, fast-talking, no bullshit-taking ladies of Bergen County, NJ. (Giving a shout-out to all of the ladies in Franklin Lakes and Upper Saddle River here!)
I was never a big fan of the Real Housewives series on Bravo TV. In fact, when the Real Housewives of the OC premiered, I didn't even watch it. I thought it was a flash-in-the-pan reality show, and frankly, I'm way too busy to add new shows to my already too crowded tv show list. Between working, taking care of the kids and PC - I don't have tons of extra time. And if I have to make a choice between talking to Fifi at night and watching TV - well - Fifi always wins. (Unless she calls during LOST - sorry Fifs) Between my LOST and Grey's Anatomy devotion - well, that's just about all I have time for these days. So, when the Real Housewives of NJ premiered, although highly interested, I really didn't tune in.
Until that one fateful weekend, when I came down with some sort of cold or flu or other non-life threatening illness that made me just sick enough to zonk out on the couch and watch tv all weekend while PC took the kids to the pool. And what to my wondering eyes should appear but a "Real Housewives" marathon on Bravo TV. And my life has never been quite the same. First I watched an entire season of "The Real Housewives of NY". Quite enjoyable, I must say. There are enough over-the-edge personalities in that show to keep it quite interesting. Totally unrealistic - what with a Countess, a Brooklyn-based housewife married to the most openly gay straight man on the East Coast, a wise-cracking personal chef who is SINGLE - yet featured as a "housewife", a rich Yenta from the Upper-East Side and a Ramona - who can only be described as a COMPLETE wack-adoo. Like all of the other Housewives shows in the franchize - the New York show features women who have money we can only dream of, problems we hope to never have and catfights that have not been featured on television since big shoulder pads and Kenneth Jay Lane jewelry were considered chic. Watching the New York show is like sitting in a hot bath with a good glass of wine and a People magazine on a Saturday night. Satisfying and relaxing - yet somewhat sad.
Once the New York show marathon had run its course, and my fever and sore throat hadn't, I decided to tune in the next day to see the New Jersey show marathon...and that my friends is when the magic happened.
Suddenly - I was transported back to the land of my childhood - the land of my people. A place where women swear like sailors when they're mad - and the men find it sexy. A land where money buys love and true happiness. A place where big IS beautiful - big hair, big handbags, big diamonds and big "bubbies" (aka: boobs) are celebrated. Ahhh - north Jersey - the place that I call home. Jersey takes alot of crap from people. I've heard it called the armpit of America, I've suffered thru people doing crass and stupid sounding imitations of our melodious Jersey speech patterns, and I've seen people attribute huge fashion faux pas - like acid washed jeans - to Jersey. Well, well, well - Thanks to women like Carolyn Manzo, Jacqueline Staub and Theresa Guidice - North Jersey is FINALLY getting the respect and representation that it deserves. These ladies represent some of the BEST Bergen County, New Jersey has to offer. I know - because as my mother likes to remind me....I was one bad decision away from being one of them.....
Oh yes, loyal readers...I dipped my toe into the pool of ridiculous, North Jersey Italian family excess and loyalties. In my youth I dated and thought I loved a boy who could have given me that life style...who actually did give me a bit of that lifestyle....much to my parents' horror! The idea that I might actually marry this kid was almost more than they could bear. ESPECIALLY a boy who lived in a huge house in Upper Saddle river, who drove a car that cost as much as our first house and lavished me with gifts that bore labels that read Fendi, Vuitton, Gucci, Borghesi, Rolex and on and on. All at the tender age of 17 mind you....
I've heard people say that the New Jersey show is just as fake and phony as the rest of them....not so I'll argue. By now - if you haven't heard about the infamous "table flip" - you've either been living under a rock or pursuing a much more meaningful life - and then good for you. You freak. Anyway - I digress. In the last show of the 1st season of the Jersey housewives, there was a showdown between 2 of the ladies. The way it went down was classic Jersey - one said "Pay Attention" and the other said "I AM Payin attention - you prostitution whore.....at my shore house....." and then she flipped a table at the alleged prostitution whore. Big friggin deal - who HASN'T been at a nice, north Jersey restaurant with a big Italian family where a table hasn't been flipped? My girlfriends in Maryland were horrified by this display of raw emotion and rage. Me? Not so much. I can honestly say that I've been out to dinner at a very nice establishment in Jersey where not one - but 2 tables were flipped. By the people I was eating with. No one got shot - no one stopped speaking to anyone else at the table. They got mad, they exchanged words, and one of the guys got so enraged that he flipped our table. And then - he was still pretty pissed off - so he flipped the next table over. Big deal...by gones - ya know? We all went home - to the same house, the 2 hotheads worked it out and we all took a dip in the pool. Seriously - a true story. And yes - we went back to the restaurant - the same restaurant where we ate every Friday night - the following weekend and all was well.
I think that watching this show actually does transport me back in time. I can identify with these women. I undertstand what Theresa means when she says things like "uncleansy". I understand their fierce loyalty to their families - I learned that from my own family. I can understand why Caroline - the "matriarch" if you will - took the blame for ruining another woman's reputation in town when the culprit was actually her younger sister.This show isn't really about money or excess or boob jobs - it's about family - and loyalty. Yes - the excess and the money is fun to watch - but it's not what keeps me coming back for more. I keep tuning in because I see something of myself in these women. I can relate to Caroline - the fierce family lioness who so famously and threateningly said "in my family - we're as thick as thieves" to her arch-nemesis. I see my much younger self in Theresa - the table flipping girl who just wants bigger "bubbies" and to make babies with her indulgent husband - Joe. I see a version of my teenage self in Jacqueline - who is torn between fitting into this family that she married into and loves and her true, authentic self who doesn't really want or need Caroline and company telling her what to think and who to befriend. I see alot of my 17 year-old self in Jacqueline actually. I can so relate to these women in fact that after watching the table flip with me - PC actually made a very intense and telling comment. He said: "You know, as gay as this sounds - I'm glad that I watched this. I feel like I understand you better now that I've seen that." And I swear to God - it's true. he's never been able to understand how I can go from normal to ENRAGED in 60 seconds FLAT and then back to normal once I yelled and shouted and cursed it all out Jersey style. It used to unnerve him - and dare I say it - scare him a little bit! I think he finally gets that my propensity to get intensly passionate about things is my Jersey coming out!
As I write this, I am reminded to my first few weeks living in Maryland. It was rough - really, really hard on me. Here I was - 18 years old, HUGE, HUGE hair, great designer clothes and shoes, makeup galore, accesories to match every outfit, expensive perfume and an over possessive, wealthy and somewhat controlling boyfriend back in Jersey. I was trying to find my place in a place where girls wore their hair long and straight - in pony tails that were embellished with ribbons. I remember seeing this popular hairdo and thinking that we were reveryting back to prarie days! Girls in Maryland wore a kind of short called a 'lacrosse short". I had no idea what lacrosse WAS - never mind what kind of fashion choices the sport called for. NO ONE I was rooming with had a boyfriend who drove a Monte Carlo,a gold Mercury Cougar, or even a Beemer convertible. None of these boys had designs shaved into the sides of their heads - or even wore an earring. These boys wore madras plaid shorts with deck shoes, listened to rastifarian music, and smoked weed. Not Marlboros! And they all thought that I had an "accent". They made me say words like "drawer" and "water" over and over again. It was a nightmare. Like boot camp for Jersey girls. But -I found my place. The hair eventually deflated, the accessories became a bit understated, the boyfriend got lost and I actually met a nice boy who has never flipped a table or gotten into a fist fight at a bar or club or thrown car keys or anything else at my head. I'd say I traded up!
However - I do sometimes miss that tough talking, hair teasing, fashionista who lived inside and outside of me. And I'm so glad that I get to revisit her every Monday night from 10-11pm as I watch my beloved housewives. You should try it.....you might find YOUR inner Jersey girl...even if you do still wear a pony tail tied with a ribbon that matches your lacrosse shorts....
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