So, Bella came home from a sleepover the other day with a terrible, earth-shattering pronouncement. "Well, Mom, we always knew this day would come. I've lost my Best Friend, (insert dramatic pause here) FOREVER!"
(Feel free to imagine the accompanying hand-wringing, head-tossing and puppy-dog eye making gestures that accompanied such a pronouncement.)
Apparently, Bella had been terribly wronged at the sleepover. My best friend Hermione's daughter is Bella's FBFFWLTP (First Best Friend Forever Who Loves to Play - duh!). We will call this little girl Nahla.(for reasons that Hermione will undoubtedly love) Anyway - Nahla goes to a different school and has a group of girlfriends from this school who were invited to the sleepover. Bella knows these little girls - who are lovely- and has played with them several times over the past 2 or 3 years. Apparently, everything was going great until Bella wanted to play "horse trainer" and the other girls wanted to play "American Girl dolls". Well - that's when the sh#t hit the proverbial fan. Nahla had to make a choice - play horse trainer with Bella or American Girl dolls with the other girls. And in a betrayal that, in Bella's mind rivals Deliahla's betrayal of Samson, Nahla sided with her other girl friends. Not one for just "going with the flow", Bella stomped downstairs and complained BITTERLY to Hermione. Well now, what's a mom to do? Hermione went upstairs to gauge the temperature of the room - and it seemed that Bella was just sh#t out of luck - the girls were playing American Girl Dolls and having a grand time. Bella was going to have to either join the group or go pound sand. Thankfully, having known Bella since the moment she was born, Hermione was able to diffuse the situation with a puppy and a well done corn dog. Crisis averted.
However, 24 hours later, the betrayal still smarts a bit and Bella is just not quite right. I can tell that she's turning the situation over and over in her mind and realizing, for the first time in her life, that Nahla has a whole other life - apart from her. And this life includes friends and experiences that Bella is NOT a part of. Hermione and I have been dreading this moment since we realized that the girls were going to be raised in 2 different towns and go to two different schools. We've often discussed what would happen and how we would handle a situation like this one. Granted - Hermione got off easy this time. But what about next time? I could tell that Nahla felt a bit left out at Bella's birthday party this year, and no amount of coaxing or propping her up helped her feel like she was part of the group of Bella's friends either. So the question is: what is going to happen as the girls get older? Are they going to find a way to manage this obstacle and figure out how to manuever around it? Or are they going to see it as a road block and allow it to impact their relationship? Hermione and I hope and pray that they'll work their way around it - and I think that we will be able to help them do just that.
Nahla and Bella are as different as night and day. Nahla was born six weeks after Bella. Hermione came to see Bella - or I should say Hermione waddled in to see Bella - moments after she was born. And I remember taking Bella's teeny, tiny hand and putting it on Hermione's ENORMOUS belly, and telling her that her best friend was inside waiting to meet her. When Nahla came home from the hospital, Bella and I went to the house for a visit. Nahla was laying on her back on a blanket on the floor and I laid Bella beside her. And in a moment that still makes me tear up - Bella grabbed Nahla's little hand and held on tight. And that is how it's been ever since. Whenever Bella is having a really rough go of it - like the time she was the ONLY girl in her class NOT invited to a certain someone's birthday party - she wants Nahla. And Nahla is the same way.
Bella is my creative genious. My artsy-fartsy little girl who will one day run a fashion house that will surely rival that of her idol - Coco Channel. Bella's mantra is "Rules-Schmools!!" Who needs to learn their multiplication facts when you have a calculator? Bella is the kid who comes home from school with 7 out of 10 spelling words correct on the test and will say "I know -way to go me. 7 right! Wo-HOOO!" That's my Bella. The things that would upset Hermione and I - like getting a 70 on a spelling test - roll right off her back. However - leave her out of a game, tell her that she's stupid or her idea is dumb - or horror of all horrors that she is a bad artist - and you devastate her. Nahla on the other hand is a whole different kind of gal. Getting a 70 on a spelling test would DEVASTATE Nahla. Not understanding long division IMMEDIATELY upon explanation gets her panties in a wad. However - Nahla is not one to crumble under peer pressure or criticism the way Bella can. Nahla can wait to do her crumbling in private whereas Bella puts it all out there for everyone to see. Nahala is going to be the CEO and COO of "House of Bella Fashion Design". Bella will be the creative genious and Nahla will reign her in and keep her from going broke. And Bella has planned it out this way. She and Bella will share all of the profits 50/50 so that Nahla can run a horse farm on the side while Bella runs a "Baby Orphanage" where she takes care of babies and gives them away to people who want them. (We can chat about the legalities of this particular arrangements at a later date.) I tease and terrify Hermione when I say that I have no doubt that Bella will be the one who teaches Nahla how to shimmy down a drainpipe with a lit cigarettte in her mouth while never breaking a nail. Hermione counters by telling me that while Bella is doing her lung-endangering, terribly irresponsible acrobatics, Nahla will be firmly planted in the window with 911 already predialed into her cell phone "just in case". These are our girls.
Now you might be thinking that Hermione and I are some sort of controlling and manipulative mothers who are forcing our girls into an artificial friendship. So what if we are? I think there is inherent value in having a friend who has known you forever. Who knows all of your secrets and flaws and loves you anyway. Don't we all need someone like that in our lives? Hermione is that someone for me. I can say anything to her - literally ANYTHING to her - and she listens. She doesn't judge or tell me that I'm wrong or crazy. She just listens. And sometimes she doesn't listen - she simply hears me - there is a big difference. When I preface a statement with "OK, I can only say this to you..." or "I know I'll go to hell for saying this but..." or "I know this is the most awful thing I can say right now..." she hears it. It goes in one ear and out the other - because she knows me. She knows who I am and what I believe in and what I stand for. She knows that I try to be a good person, that I'm trying to grow emotionally, spiritually and intellectually. She also knows that when you hurt me or one of mine - that I'm going to lash out. And that it won't be pretty. In fact - it will be pretty ugly and that I will say the most awful, hurtful and innappropriate thing I can possible think of to get back at you. But I will say it to Hermione - just Hermione. And she will listen, let me rant, and go about her day. She also holds grudges for me - and I do the same for her. Which, is infinitely more healthy than holding our own grudges. When someone hurts Hermione or Nahla - I just want to rip them to shreds. I have no mercy - I want justice - swift and severe. NO EXCEPTIONS. And Hermione does the same for me. We forgive but we don't forget...so it's not all that unlikely to hear one of us saying to the other" "You have to let that go now. I let it go a long time ago." And that is what we want to Bella and Nahla. Who wouldn't want that for their daughters?
I have no doubt that Bella and Nahla will be friends forever. I don't know what that friendship will look like or how it will impact the rest of their lives. I hope it turns out the way Hermione and I want it to - minus the drainpipe moments. I'd like to think that the girls can turn their roadblock into a strength. I hope that they can use one another as a sounding board about their other friends. The person to turn to when you've done something foolish or hurtful to another friend and you need someone completely removed from the situation to tell you how to fix it.
I also have no doubt that Hermione and I will be friends forever - we have to be. I can not imagine my life without her. Of course there have been times when we've wanted to kill each other. There have even been times when we haven't spoken to one another - we've needed a break from one another. But we've gotten past those times - thank God. Hermione and I have reached that stage in our friendship where we know where the bodies are buried. It's a good, comfortable place to be. We know how to soothe each other's hurts, celebrate each other's joys, and talk each other down from the ledge. She knows that my pantry will always have double stuffs and Diet Pepsi. I know that her pantry will always have Diet Coke and some sort of awful candy that she enjoys chewing and occasionally breaking teeth and caps and crowns on. I know never to offer her a hot beverage in the morning. She knows enough to give me coffee or tea in the morning if she needs to tame the savage beast. I know that she talks in her sleep - and that even in sleep - she is Bossy Betty. She knows that I snore and must make a nest of at least 4 pillows around me in order to get to sleep. She knows that when I'm worked up in a lather and I'm screaming mad, that most likely I'm not mad at all - just really, really hurt and wounded. I know that when she says "Whatever" about a person, that person is about to be voted off the island - for good. We love each other's mothers like they are our own. We know exactly how they push our buttons - and ALWAYS defend them when they piss us off. We love each other's siblings and consider them semi-extensions of our own families. I love hearing updates about her nieces and she has enjoyed hearing about every moment of wedding planning with my bro. We still get jealous of each other's other friends. We always have and probably always will. Of course - we'd NEVER admit that to one another. We are waaaay to mature to admit that to one another. But I'll say it - if I wanted to play horse trainer and her lovely pals (who I do truly love and have a great time with) wanted to play American Girl Dolls and Hermione decided to play American Girl Dolls with THEM - I'd be devastated and complain bitterly to PC. And while he would probably mix a nice martini to try to soothe me - he probably wouldn't be successful. The only thing that could soothe me would be Hermione calling me and asking me to come over and play with her for a few hours - just the two of us. I would pretend to look at my busy schedule and then begrudgingly agree to come over for a little while. And by the time I had my feet inside the door and my toys unpacked - I would have forgotten the slight and be enjoying every precious moment with MY BFFWLMTB. (You hear that other girls? She might be YOUR BFF - but she's MY Best Friend Who Loves ME The Best!!!!!!!!!!!)
I love you Miss Granger!!!!!
xoxoxo
Professor McGonegall
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