Well - the big day is almost here! After a year and a half of patiently waiting - the big, momentous day is finally upon us.
Bella's FINALLY going to be a flower girl on Saturday.
Oh - and while Bella is knocking them dead with her petal flinging abilities - my brother will getting married.
The excitement is palpable at our house. We just got a call that Jack's tux is ready to be picked up. Bella's dress is being pressed as I type. Carrie finished all of the alterations on my dress and it too is sitting at the drycleaner's awaiting a final pressing. Jack practices walking down the aisle holding a pillow every night as Bella coaches from the sidelines: "Too fast! Slow it down! Not THAT slow Jack - you're holding up the wedding! You're like a turtle with rings on its shell. Oh great - now you tripped and the rings have flown off the pillow and are gone and lost forever. Good job." Poor Jack is now SO nervous about this that I think he will need therapy. He now tells anyone who will listen that being a "ring barrier" is a "big wee-sponsibiwity". PC and I finally broke the news that the rings on the pillow are fakes and that Uncle's friend will have the real rings safely tucked away in his tuxedo jacket. This admission, while basically a confession that the job of the ring bearer is a pretty useless one, also lessens the likelihood that this kid will need a Zanex and a shot of Jack to make it up the aisle.
Bella, on the other hand, has absolutely NO DOUBT that SHE will be the absolute STAR of the show. She stole some of my beautiful begonia blossoms from my hanging baskets to "demonstrate" how to be a flower girl to some neighborhood friends over the weekend. Now, not only does Bella get to have a fluffy dress, a TIARRA, have her hair done AND wear LIP GLOSS on Saturday....but she feels an obsessive/compulsive need to tell this to ANY little girl between the ages of - let's say 2 hours old and 121 years of age. It's really bordering on obnoxious. She is actually upstairs as I type, flinging ripped up toilet paper out of her Easter basket while wearing Princess Ariel's wedding gown from our trip to Disney a few years back. She is also singing a lovely little ditty that goes something like this: "Here comes the bride...all dressed in white...she slipped on a turtle and there goes her girdle!" She's calling this grand exercise a "dress rehearsal".
All of this excitement and "preparation" on Bella's part has led PC and I to sit the children down and have a nice "discussion" with them about wedding do's and don'ts. And while I'd like to say that this "chat" was filled with tidbits of wisdom and advice that one would find in an Emily Post Guide to Weddings - I really can't. You see - Emily Post doesn't cover the kind of ground that PC and I find it neccessary to cover with Bella and Jack. For example - Emily Post would never, EVER, list:
"One must not toot or burp out-loud during ANY wedding festivities - including, but not limited to: the Rehearsal Dinner, The Wedding Ceremony, Reception or Brunch the following morning. No one wants to hear how loudly you can fart. No one wants to hear how many times in a row you can pass gas. No one is interested that you can toot on command. If you feel a toot coming - for GOD'S SAKE hold it in until you can get to a bathroom."
...as Rule Number 1. PC and I MUST list that as Rule number 1. Numero Uno - MOST IMPORTANT RULE OF THE DAY. No joke. This offense is punishable by taking the Wii and XBox away for 1 solid month if we both feel that the offensive noise - and accompanying odor- could have been prevented. This rule is aimed at Jack...but I've also put PC on alert that this one covers him too.
Rule number 2 is JUST as important...and it is aimed at Bella:
"There will be NO TOUCHING Auntie once she has her dress on. NO physical contact of ANY KIND will be permitted once that dress in on her body. No hugging, kissing, holding hands, jumping or climbing on Auntie will be permitted. In fact - you must keep a 3 foot wall of personal space between you and Auntie at ALL times once the big, white, fluffy is on - NO EXCEPTIONS." The "No EXCEPTIONS" had to be added because Bella began thinking of all sorts of INSANE scenarios where Auntie would have to be touched. Some of MY personal favorites include:
Auntie spontaneously bursting into flames and Bella being the ONLY person in the room with her who could smother the fire with her bare hands. (I'm crediting this scenario to the Percy Jackson books we've been reading.)
Auntie being kidnapped by ...I kid you not..."BRIDE-NAPPERS" who only want her dress. And Bella being - once again - the ONLY person in the room who could possibly save her - and the gown. (I picture a gaggle of Bridezillas in this scenario all fighting over this amazing gown like on opening day at the Filene's bridal gown sale.)
Auntie fainting on the altar - and Bella, having just earned her first aid Brownie badge - being the ONLY one who would be able to revive her. (Never mind that Auntie's daddy went to med school...)
The door of the limo blows open and Auntie - who forgot to put her seatbelt on, flies out the door and can only be rescued by - you guessed it - Bella - pulling her back into the car using the train of the dress.
And I'm sure that, by Saturday afternoon, there will be a few more scenarios to add to the list.
The other rules we've put in place include:
No fighting. (To which Jack responded - "Then we'd better not talk to each other." I kid you not.)
No silly faces during pictures.
You MUST share Uncle and Auntie - they are NOT getting married to give you two something to do for the day.
NO bunny ears or Loser "L"s at the last minute during pictures.
NO hands down your pants if you get bored. (Mainly for Jack...but PC has to obey that one as well.)
NO COMPLAINING will be tolerated. If your shoes hurt, your dress itches or you are tired- DEAL or we will find other children to fill in for you.
NO eating or drinking anything RED after you are dressed. Bread and water only until all pictures are taken.
No running, jumping, hopping or spinning will be permitted.
No break dancing.
No cartwheeling.
No jumping off of elevated platforms, chairs, stages or - God forbid - the altar.
No CRYING or WHINING allowed.
There will be no Hannah Montana, Taylor Swift, Justin Beiber of Jo Bros songs played. DO NOT approach the band leader and request any song - of any kind.
The phrase "I just wanna show you something really cool that I can do..." is banned for the weekend
And most importantly : Keep Calm and Carry On
Yes - I do realize that these are a lot of rules for a 6 and 9-year old. However - I KNOW the above mentioned 6 and 9-year-old very, very well. And I know the evil little plans that might be in the works. I'm afriad that I've forgotten to mention something in my rules. PC and I lie in bed at night going over the various disaster scenarios that might occur:
What if Bella wants to "try on" Auntie's veil- or even worse - DRESS - and disater ensues?
What if Bella rips all of the petals off of Auntie's bouquet, thinking that they are for her?
What if Jack rips one off during the vows?
What if one of them throws up???
And on and on...if we keep this up, WE will both need Zanex and a BOTTLE of Jack by Saturday morning.
I also realize that the above cited list of rules makes my children seem like holy terrors. And they're not - they truly are wonderful kids. They are usually very well behaved. They don't generally swing from chandeliers, we can take them out to a nice restaurant and they are both normal, well-adjusted kids. People will occasionally even stop us to tell us how well-behaved they are. They are not destructive in any way.
So why the rules. you ask? Because they're KIDS! Excited, hyper, nervous kids. And that combination, coupled with unfamiliar food, late nights, and copious sugary treats could lead to bad decisions which could lead to unmitigated disaster. And we really don't want any of that. So, we've tried to anticipate what we could anticipate and prevent any preventable mess from occurring. A fool-proof plan? Hahahahahahahahahaha - we've been parents long enough to know that there is no such animal. But what is it they say about a drop of preperation???
And for those of you reading this post and thinking: "Jesus - she's out of her freaking mind. Those POOR kids! She's got them on such a tight leash - they can't have any fun!" ...consider Fifi's advice to me after reading over my list of rules:
"Margs - don't forget this one: If the reception venue has statues of naked people - as many reception venues do - resist the urge to drop your trousers and have your cousin take a picture of your naked bum next to the statue's naked bum. As funny as it might seem at the moment - it is most certainly NOT funny AT ALL."
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have fun at the wedding!!!! can't wait to hear all about it!
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