Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
Fillet of a fenny snake,
In the caldron boil and bake;
Eye of newt and toe of frog,
Wool of bat and tongue of dog,
Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting,
Lizard's leg and howlet's wing,
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.
William Shakespere
Well - it's that time of year my friends - All Hallows Eve is upon us! I must admit - I LOVE Halloween - I always have. I love this time of year. The leaves are turning., the air is getting crisper and cooler and Busy Momma and crew pick pumpkins, bake apple crisps, carve the jack-o-lanterns and generally spend a lot of time together!Plus - on Halloween - the kids go out for a few hours and come home with hunderds of pounds of candy! There is NO DOWNSIDE to this holiday in my humble opinion.
Now - the only thing I don't like about Halloween is the really scary stuff - those crazy scary movies. You know the ones I am talking about. I HATE those movies that scare you by having monsters or zombies or bloody creatures JUMP OUT AT YOU when you least expect them to. Oh God - those are pee-my-pants moments. I cannot deal with those movies. But at least I know that they are fake and if I DO have to see one or walk past a room where my husband is watching one, I can console my self by saying: "It's Hollywood movie magic. It's not real..." over and over again.
But this week, my friends, this week in Busy Momma land has been filled with truly scary things that are 100% REAL. You see - PC is away on business. FAR away in Texas. So there is NO hope of him coming home early to bail me out of a jam or save me from the REAL LIFE things that really scare me.And, unfortunately for me - this week has been chock full of scary moments for Busy Momma.
Sunday was a BEAUTIFUL, beautiful fall day. PC headed off to Texas and the kids and I had tons of things to do. I had to grocery shop, do laundry, clean the house and help Bella with some homework. So - what did we do? Well, I DID grocery shop. Then we headed to the farm to pick pumpkins. Life is too short to spend a BEAUTIFUL fall Sunday cleaning the house I convinced myself. The dirt will be here when you get back I told myself. The kids will be grown and gone and won't want to pick pumpkins with you in a few short years I said to myself. So off we went. Once we got there - Jack reminded us that THIS particular farm had a corn maize and both kids were drawn to it like moths to a flame. Ohhhhhh Nooooooooooo....thought I. You see, while I love everything about fall...the corn maize is NOT one of my favorite things. In fact - I hate corn maizes - I really, really hate them. I hate the feeling of being lost and I also have a terrible sense of direction. Seriously - the Garmin has been a life changer for me. The last time I was in a corn maize - THIS PARTICULAR corn maize to be exact - I had a panic attack. I couldn't find my way out, I kept going around and around in circles and was basically in tears by the time we made it out. The corn maize is usually the type of thing that PC does with the kids and I wait at the end holding jackets and water bottles. But as PC was in a plane - it was all on me. I couldn't let them enter the deadly corn maize by themselves. What if they got lost or separated from each other? What if they never made it out? I had to go in. I had no choice. Here we are on our way into the maize of terror:
Sure - they look happy. They've never seen Children of the Corn!
About 20 minutes in - we were completely lost and I fully expected Malechi here to greet me around the next bend. I was 100% lost and turned around and had NO idea how to get out. I was seriously starting to panic. Which made both kids laugh hysterically. Bella kept running ahead of me and hiding and jumping out from the corn stalks and yelling: "Children of the Cooooooorrrrrrnnnnn!" Once again I asked myself WHY on EARTH I had EVER taught these kids how to speak.
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Finally, finally - about 40 minutes in - these children had mercy on me and led me out of the maize. And when I say "led me out of the maize" I mean they took my hand and literally led me out. Jack had a freaking MAP in his hands and knew how to get out the whole time I was FREAKING out! They purposely led me around and around in circles and pretended that we were lost in the corn because "it's really funny when you get all freaked out".
Let's see how funny it is when Santa brings them boxes of underpants and socks. And a set of encyclopedias.Who will be laughing then?
Monday started off well enough - got the kids up and out, everyone was dressed, clean and fed. I was headed to NJ for work. I packed up the car, I had my brand new book loaded onto the iPhone, I had my coffee and my Diet Pepsi AND my lunch packed and ready to go. I backed out of the driveway and then it hit me - the sun - right in my eyes. So, I reached into my purse for the sunglasses...and found an empty case. Crap - I left my sunglasses inside on the kitchen counter. So, I put the car in DRIVE, pulled back into the driveway and ran inside to get the sunglasses. As I was getting back into the car, somehow, some way, I tripped and fell. My left leg went one way and the rest of my body went the other. And I felt what can only be described as the most painful simultaneous tearing and popping sensation in my left calf. I knew instantly that something VERY VERY bad had just happened. This was not an injury that could be "walked off". So - what did I do? I tried to get up and "walk it off". Understand that I was sitting in the driveway CRYING. Not a pretty picture. So, I was able to get up but I couldn't make it back up the steps and into the house. To make a long story short - my dad ended up coming over and rescuing me. My 73-year-old father had to come over and take me to the doctor who diagnosed me with not one but 2 torn calf muscles! So, I am resting it, elevating it, icing it AND wearing a very attractive air cast .I can only come down the stairs once and go up once per day. That's convenient. I can't carry the laundry down to the washer. I can't run the vacuum, clean the bathrooms or mop the floors...hmmm...maybe this injury isn't as bad as I initially thought. I also can't go on the hike PC and I were planning for this weekend. Whah, wha,whah...I know it could have been worse - at least I didn't break my leg or hit my head. But it sucks - it really sucks. Oh, and it hurts - it really hurts too.
So - I spent Tuesday on the couch. What possibly could go wrong with me on the couch?
Oh yes my friends - spiders. Big, scary, giant spiders invade the family room. WTF????????????? It's like they knew that PC was away and said: "Hey guys - the big scary guy is gone. It's just the gimp in there. Let's par-tay!" So there I was, RICE-ing (resting, icing, compressing and elevating - oh yes - I follow directions Peeps) when I see this giant spider crawl across the carpet...and another and another! These bad boys were so big that I was afraid to kill them with just a paper towel and my hand. I needed a spider basher. I actually grabbed a magazine and wacked these guys until they were good and dead....and mashed into the carpeting...ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. So then I had to pick crushed spider parts out of my carpeting. One would think that I had experienced enough drama for one day - but no. Karma had other plans for me. Tuesday night, a stink arrived in our family room that can only be described as the smell of death. It was the sickest, most disgusting smell I think I have EVER smelled. The kids were screaming, gagging...completely freaking out. It took about 3 seconds to trace the source of said stink to Jake - Destructo Dog. He must have rolled around in a zombie patch because he just stank to high heaven.
He needed a bath - immediately. Thank GOD Bella - pictured above as the cutest zombie ever- was willing to give him a bath. So - as Bella is bathing the dog of death, Jack decides that he needs to go outside and see EXACTLY what Jake rolled in. And in one of those epic "Don't go outside- because I said so...I'm going anyway...just for a minute..." moments - he somehow manages to push the sliding back door off of it's track - completely. Like - the door is no longer attached to the house. Like - now the zombies can just walk right in because I no longer have a back door.
Did I mention that PC is in Texas? And that I am in a leg cast? And now, I don't have a back door.
So, as I am having images of duct taping a sheet across the gaping hole in the wall of the family room, I am reminded that I do have neighbors and perhaps one of them might be able to lend me a hand. Thank GOD my neighbor's son and his friend were able to come over and fix the door. And as I am thanking them profusely - I hear screaming from upstairs and all of a sudden - a very wet and excited Jake runs down the stairs and proceeds to shake, shake, shake and gets smelly, dirty dog water all over my neighbor, her son, his friend and me. He then proceeds to run all over the house and track dirty, stinky water on every couch and all over the carpets.
Wednesday dawned bright and beautiful. I returned to work and had a pretty good day. And then the children came home. They both claimed that they had "NO homework". So, I immediately knew that something was very, very wrong. Why, pray tell did we have NO homework??? Well because we have math tests tomorrow. MATH TESTS.... next to scary movies and corn maizes, math tests make my blood run cold in my veins. Now, 4th grade math is OK. I can handle it. 7th grade math is a whole different story. I can't do it. When I look at Bella's math book I wonder what the heck I was doing in 7th grade? Did I even GO to 7th grade? Did we have math class? I look at it and it looks like a different language. So, math tests - especially Bella's math tests are PC's domain.
Did I mention the fact that PC is in Texas?
Yup - it's all on me peeps. I'm pretty sure Jack will be OK. But poor Bella is on her own. She studied and did her extra credit. When I dropped her off this morning I felt like saying "Go with God". But I didn't...
PC comes home tomorrow night. Then he will once again take care of all scary things for me. He should be home in about 34 hours....that's a very, very long time.Here is my prayer:
Please God....don't send me into any more corn maizes
Don't send the Children of the Corn to visit
Please keep the plague of spiders outside
And let nothing else break in this house.
Please let there be peace on Foxborough Drive
Please let the math tests be completed and passed today
And please, please do not let PC's flight be delayed on Friday.
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