HELP! I've P90X-ed and I can't get up!

Well - it's come to this. A drastic, no holds barred attempt at whipping my fat butt into shape in the next 90 days. Actually, I have less than 90 days to get in shape. You see, my darling brother is getting married on June 5th and his beautiful bride-to-be has graciously asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. And against my better judgement, I said "yes".

Now, it's not that I don't want to be in the wedding - I do. It's just that I feel that I've reached a certain age where one tends to NOT want to parade down the aisle in front of every distant relative you haven't seen since YOU were the beautiful bride, outfitted in brightly colored chiffon.

When I was the blushing bride, 11 or so years ago, I floated down the aisle in a size 8, custom fitted, couture gown fresh from a trunk show of one-of-a-kind couture gowns. It was made of the finest silk and most beautiful, hand-made lace, delicately beaded and artfully draped to show off my tiny waist and my 20-something year-old beautifully displayed and expensively pushed-up and supported bosom.

Fast forward to 2010. The waist isn't exactly tiny anymore and no amount of money will be able to support this bosom after two babies have done their due dilligence in destroying any semblance of what once was able to be artfully displayed by Victoria and her many secrets. Instead of a one-of-a-kind couture gown, I will be wearing a beautiful, strapless, chiffon bridesmaids gown. (Thank GOD my future sister-in-law has good taste.) Here is the problem: what I REALLY want to wear is a burka or some sort of head to toe garment made out of BLACK military-grade kevlar that will suck me in and flatten me out and make me look 50 pounds thinner.Sort of like military grade spanx. I cannot IMAGINE "floating" down the aisle in the bright pink satin and chiffon gown I purchased and looking "beautiful" in my current state of affairs! I have nightmares of relatives looking at me and thinking "Jesus, what the hell happened to HER?" Or - my worst nightmare scenariogoes like this: I walk down the aisle and some distant cousin looks at another and says: "Aww - poor thing - she's really let herself go."

Jesus. Put a bullet in me now and be done with it.

Here's the thing, I really haven't "Let Myself Go". I've let life get in the way. I work a crazy new job - a job that I love - but I keep crazy hours and I have no predictability in my schedule. One day I'm out of the house at 5:45am, the next day I'm here until noon and I'm not home until 6. When I'm home, I'm either working, cooking, cleaning, doing homework, laundry, ferrying someone to practice or one of my other 10,000 Mommy duties. AND I'm an emotional eater. I "reward" myself for a good job with Oreos. I console myself for a bad day with Oreos. I cure boredom with Oreos...see a pattern? Oh - and I HATE to excercise. HATE it. I hate to sweat. Hate to perspire, hate to be smelly, hate to be uncomfortable. I HATE every form of excercise - which, coupled with the Oreo addiction, makes the process of "letting myself go" pretty easy!

Now, for those of you who haven't seen me in a while, let me assure you - it's not like it's code red over here or anything. I'm not a candidate for The Biggest Loser. Richard Simmons wouldn't waste his time visiting me. We don't need to call the Emergency Squad to airlift me out of the house or anything like that. PC hasn't fitted me for the scooter. (Yet.) I'm just not where I want to be. I'm not happy in my skin right now. I don't like how I look - and being the vain and totally shallow person that I am - I'm hating it. I have great clothes that don't fit. And it totally sucks. So - it's time to do something - and walking around the block a few times just won't cut the mustard I'm afraid. Not if I'm going to look amazing for John's wedding. (OK - I don't have to look "amazing" - just not like Fatty Patty's sister - Tubby Theresa.)

It's time to break out the big guns...it's time to get serious and break out
the P90X.

"What IS the P90X?" you ask. Well, it is a series of insane workout DVDs that focus on "muscle confusion" so that you loose fat at a rapid pace and build and define muscle and "get into the best shape of your life" in 90 days. WHY do I think I will be able to do this when marathon runners, cops, swimmers and other uber-athletes that I know have made comments like "Oh THAT? Those people are ANIMALS!" or "Oh - that was more like P88X for me because I only lasted 2 days." or - and this is my favorite - "Just be careful because after 2 or 3 days of that I couldn't use a toilet because I lost my ability to squat." Why do I think I can do this when I cannot complete Jillian Michael's "30-Day Shred" without throwing up and peeing my pants a little? The answer to that is: I really don't know. PC, while always encouraging, is actually a little afraid for me. OK - more than a little afraid. He thinks that this will kill me - as in actually put me in the ground. All I know is this - I have to do SOMETHING! I cannot stay the way I am right now. I must endeavor to break out of this Oreo rut. Glynnis is doing it too. Now - mind you - Glynnis is like 6 feet tall and 125 soaking wet - so she really doesn't NEED to shred anything. But she thinks I can do it.

I've had it for about 4 months - and I've been looking at it and looking at it. I finally opened it yesterday. After I wiped the layer of dust off of it - and watched the introduction DVD and read all of the introductory materials - it actually looks kind of sensible. Really, really hard - but sensible. So I'm going to try to start it tomorrow. I think the hardest part will be actually carving out the hour every day to do it. Once I can make that committment to myself - actually working thru the DVD might be the easy part. I'll keep you posted.......