I'm a Tiger Beat Widow

Well, I'm officially in mourning. Cory Haim was found dead this morning. An apparent OD - although there is no official report and that is just speculation.

I'm an official Tiger Beat widow.

When I heard the terrible news this morning - as I hear most of my celebrity death-watch news- via a facebook post, I remembered taking the life-altering "Which Lost Boy is Right for You?' quiz in 1987 from my beloved Tiger Beat magazine. The very same magazine that I would buy from Maxine's Five and Dime on Sundays after mass. That quiz - which I'm sure was put together by the same match-making geniuses who went on to found Match.com - told me that, based on the answers I provided - answers that came from hours upon hours of deep soul searching, I was meant to spend eternity with Cory Haim. My happily ever after was meant to be spent in the arms of the boy with the unruly, curly mop of sandy brown hair and the slightly upturned upper lip.

This news brought great joy to me. Although I was secretly hoping to steal Kiefer away from Julia - I knew in my heart that he was too old for me. Yes, Corey Haim was the perfect choice for me. I pictured us hand in hand on the red carpet at the Oscars. I pictured him winninhg his award and tearfully thanking me - his rock, his raison d'etre, the mother of his 8 children. I pictured us totally making out on the beach - like in the crashing waves. (Having absolutely NO experience making out in the waves - or anywhere else for that matter at the time - I didn't take into account the decidedly UNROMANTIC nature of sand in the bottom of the bikini and biting sand flies.) I would fantasize about us walking thru an airport together - hand in hand. For some reason - this image was the height of romance for me. The airport image would make my heart beat a mile a minute and just take my breath away. I had pictures of him in my journal and would practice kissing techniques on him. I wrote him love letters and planned our beautiful wedding in my little purple diary that had a unicorn on the cover.

I still have that diary. I opened it this afternoon and read those letters that expressed my innocent, unrequeited love for this boy - the funny boy with the curly hair and the upturned lip. And as I read, I really started to get sad! I started to wonder if anyone really DID love Corey Haim. I'm sure that there are thousands of us ladies in our mid to late thirties who are Tiger Beat widows tonight. Did he ever find one of us? Did he ever find a girl who really, truly loved him for him?

I joked today on my Facebook page that had we married, his life would have turned out differently. A dear old friend joked that the only thing that would have been different if we had married would be that instead of people wondering WHICH of the 80's Corey had passed away, people would have known that the 80's Corey married to ME had passed away. But I beg to disagree! I really want to think that if he had married me - or someone who truly, truly loved him - as the 13-year old version of myself thought she did - that maybe his life would have turned out differently. Maybe he wouldn't have turned to drugs and booze for comfort. If he had found his soulmate - the woman who completed him - his true other half - maybe- just maybe - he would have been up on that stage Sunday night, tearfully thanking his rock, his raison d'etre, mother of his 8 kids.

Now before you guys get all up in my grill - I realize that addiction is a powerful demon. I'm not that 13-year old girl anymore. I've seen addiction up close. I know how powerful it is. I've witnessed it's destructive ugliness. I know that love does not conquer all. But it sure does conquer a lot. Maybe it could have saved him. Stranger things have happened.

I'm sure in the coming days there will be reports on his "final moments". There will undoubtedly be the "911" call on some website or TV show. There will be overviews of "What went wrong" and countless magazine articles about "A Real Life Lost Boy". And, as much as I hate to admit it, I'm pretty sure that Corey Feldman will get his 15 minutes from this whole thing too. We'll see footage of the funeral, a flower covered casket, weeping family members...and a weeping Corey Feldman. But I hope that somewhere in the crowd, there will be a weeping girl - a heartbroken girl who lost the love of her life. And as sick as that sounds - I really mean it. I hope that he had that. I hope that he had someone who loved him.

So, I will bid my Tiger Beat soulmate farewell in my own, private way. I will bid adieu to the sandy haired, mop-topped boy with that ever-so-sexy upturned lip and I will pray that he finds peace and love in heaven. And maybe, just maybe, one day - 100 years from now when I walk through the pearly gates, if I've been a REALLY good girl - Corey Haim will meet me and take me to the beach for one totally rad night.....