Somebody HELP Me!!!!

So - in the annals of total insanity...I am going camping this weekend. Now, for those of you who truly know me - you are probably asking yourselves: WTF? For those of you who don't know me that well..."camping" to me is staying at a Holiday Inn or some sort of "motel". The whole idea of real-life camping - in the outdoors, with all forms of creatures and critters- is TERRIFYING to me. Truly, truly terrifying. I do not like the outdoors. Now, don't get me wrong - I enjoy sitting by a nice pool, or sitting on a nice beach somewhere...but being in an outdoor environment that is not patrolled by waiters and towel boys is not my idea of a good time.

So, the question is: WHY on EARTH am I going camping????? The simple answer is: Bella. Bella's brownie troop is camping this weekend and she wants to go. Quite shocking to me - but she really wants to go and won't go if I don't go. So, I'm off to the woods. I am so out of sorts about this adventure, that I couldn't sleep last night. So, I decided that I would do the mature thing and make a list of all of the things I am scared of and then rationalize them away. So - about an HOUR later - here is my list:

I am afraid that:

bugs will crawl on me while I sleep

bugs will crawl into my ears

bugs will crawl into my hair

a snake will slither into my sleeping bag

a mouse or other awful rodent will crawl on me in my sleep

a bear will come into our cabin and eat me or Bella

some sort of bug like creatures will bore into and under my skin and lay eggs

Something will sting me

I will get poisoned ivy or oak or whatever the hell else is poisonous and I will scrtach myself crazy and spread it before I know any better and I will get poisoned ivy blisters on my lady parts

I will get left behind on some sort of hike and be lost forever in the woods and when someone finds me, I will look like Clare on LOST.

While sleeping in these cabins (yes - cabins - no tent camping for me!) I will breathe in some sort of awful mold that will set up shop in my lungs and I will be sick for weeks on end

By the end of the trip - I might smell as I am afraid to take a shower in the showers

A crazy person will wander into the camp and take us all hostage or worse

And last - but not least - Bella and I will get some sort of disease from the toilets

And here is the problem with this list - all of that stuff CAN happen!Seriously. And when followed to the worst possible outcome - the outcomes of any one of these scenarios is pretty, pretty bad. ESPECIALLY the very IDEA of getting poisoned ivy on my lady bits and pieces. Or having bugs crawl into my ears. I honestly could not sleep last night. So, in an effort to protect myself from some of this awfulness - I am packing the following supplies:

toilet paper - the nice soft kind from home

bug repellant

calamine lotion

sneakers - for running thru the woods - and I will wear them with jeans - which I realize is a HUGE fashion faux-pas - but in this case I think Anna Wintour would forgive me

2 blackberries - in case one breaks or looses it's signal and I'm stuck out in the wilderness

my portable GPS navigational system

my flip camera - so that I can record my last moments "Blair Witch" style

a bottle of wine - cause I'll need it

a bottle of valium - self explanatory

Tylenol with codene - in case I break, sprain or bruise something

2 or 3 pillows - to make my sleeping nest

sheets for the bunk

my brand new sleeping bag - that is not even pink and has NO sparkle!

towels that smell like Bounce fabric softener

I'd really like to bring my air purifier for the cabin

my kindle

tampons - cause wouldn't you know it

a kick ass first aid kit

really cute baseball caps in case my hair gets all messed up

ear plugs - so that no bugs can crawl in while I sleep

my camera

benadryl

my rosary beads

So that is my plan of attack. I am seriously sweating this. I don't know if I'll be able to do this. I get really cranky when I don't sleep and I'm sure that there will be very little sleeping happening. What was I thinking? Why didn't I offer to take Bella to a spa instead???????? WHY didn't I make that vagazilling appointment I've been interested in making?

Little known fact - when one gets vagazilled, one cannot engage in any "vigourous activity" for 24 hours. I'd say that girl scout camping is vigourous activity - right????

So, now I have to finish packing and doing laundry. Then I'm taking Bella to the craft store to get a nice, quiet craft to do tomorrow afternoon during our "down time". I'm going to hit the road around 7:45 tomorrow morning. I'm getting coffee for some of the other moms who are staying over TONIGHT - crazy people I tell you. Staying out in the wilderness for 2 whole nights. They are now TWICE as likely to get eaten by a bear as me. That makes me feel a bit better. (It's every man for herself once you get out there.)

If I make it out of the woods alive - I'll update you all next week. If I don't make it out - it's been fun peeps.