An Open Letter to the Gal who Bagged My Groceries....

An Open Letter to the Bag Girl at Shop Rite:


In Defense of Your Mom



Darling:

While I realize that bagging groceries is a difficult task, and I thank you for not crushing one item in my order last week, we need to talk about your attitude. You see, I did not mind when you asked if “Me and HER can switch out so I can bag and she can ring”. I truly didn’t. As much as I itched to correct your grammatical mistake – I refrained. I waited patiently as you switched positions, counted your coupons and entered your codes into the scanner. And while I didn’t mean to eavesdrop on what I ASSUME WAS MEANT TO BE A PRIVATE CONVERSATION BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU, I couldn’t help but overhear your comments about your mother.

While you were bagging my vegetables, milk and frozen waffles, your counterpart asked you a question about your phone. Remember? She asked you why your phone was off. Ahhh – yes, it’s all coming back to you now, isn’t it? You told her that your mom turned your phone off. And when she asked you WHY your mom would do such a thing, do you remember your response? I do. Your exact words were:

“ I have no idea. I didn’t even do nothin’ wrong.”

And your girlfriend said: “Then why would she turn off your phone?”

And your eloquent, well-thought out response was poetic in its simplicity:

“’Cause she’s psycho!”

Ahhh – the old psycho mom excuse.

Well, sweet, sweet girl, I am writing to you to explain why, in fact, your mom is probably NOT psycho. She’s probably a pretty good mom. How, pray-tell would I know that- You ask. Well, you see 2 reasons.

1. I AM a mom.

2. I WAS a pain-in-the-ass teenager – and I know your game.

Let’s start with the fact that I was a pretty huge pain-in-the –ass between the ages if 14-18. And sweetheart – let’s be real…you know EXACTLY what you did. You might not know how your mom CAUGHT you, since, with your obvious brain power, your plan must have seemed absolutely FOOL-PROOF to you. But, apparently it wasn’t Mom-Proof. And there is no shame in that. You see – what you don’t yet realize is that we – and by “we”, I mean moms in general – are smarter, wittier, more clever, wiser and savvier than you could ever be right now. You might know more about the cast of The Jersey Shore and what’s happening on The Bachelor – but honey, I will bet you dollars to doughnuts that your mom knows everything there is to know about how that little pea-brain in your head is working. And it probably scares the crap out of her. Does she get her hair colored? Have you noticed new lines and creases around her eyes and along her forehead? That’s all because of you, lady. Those are worry lines and just THINKING about what YOU are THINKING about and plotting has scared the beautiful natural color RIGHT OUT OF HER HAIR. So you can just stop pretending that you have no idea why she turned your phone off. The gig is up.



Now – let’s talk for a moment about Moms – and what we know and all that good stuff. I’m pretty sure that your mom is in fact, NOT psychotic. Let me ask you a few questions to help you determine if, indeed, she might suffer from psychosis:

• Has she ever forgotten to feed you?

• Has she ever left you somewhere for days on end and not come back to get you?

• Has she ever disappeared for days and days and days?

• Has she ever forgotten your birthday?

• Has she ever beaten you to a bloody pulp?

• Has she ever tried to intentionally hurt or harm you in any way?

• Has she ever tried to sell you on Craig’s list?

If you can answer NO to all of these questions – then chances are, she’s NOT a psycho. She just has your number. She knows that you and your friends live, breathe and die by that phone. That phone is your life-line, your social currency, your social oxygen mask, if you will. It’s probably the ONLY thing that you really value and care about right now. That type of possession – is what we moms LOVE to take away. NOT because we are psycho – but because taking it away is the ONLY WAY TO GET THROUGH TO YOUR IDIOT TEENAGE BRAIN.

And it’s not all your fault. Biology does come into play here. While you are obviously no Shakespeare or Emily Dickinson, I will admit that your teenage brain is not fully developed. So some of your obvious stupidity can be attributed to your age. SOME of it….

Your mom shut your phone off to teach you some sort of lesson. So, instead of “staring at it and wishing that it will just turn back on by itself” why don’t you reflect on what you think you might have done to cause mom to turn it off in the first place.

(Oh – and phones don’t just “magically turn themselves back on”. Sorry – hate TO BURST YOUR BUBBLE. )

And here is the last reason why I just KNOW that your mom is not psycho – she is willing to listen to you bitch and moan about this phone being turned off to help you learn a life lesson. If she was really a psycho – she would just leave that phone on and let you yak yourself into a Snookie-like state. But, she obviously has more faith in you. She thinks that you might be able to rise above your obvious aspirations to get onto a reality show about teenage grocery baggers with bad grammar. So, hey – try something new while the phone is silenced. Try to crack open a book….one without pictures…just try it – ok?