Home, Home on the Range....

Good morning my Peeps! The Busy Momma crew is up nice and early this morning because the boys are getting ready to go camping with the Boy Scouts tonight. So PC is mowing the lawn and pulling out all of the camping gear and packing up.

Spitting out your coffee are you? SHOCKED the Busy Momma even HAS camping gear? Well, I certainly do. And by "I" , I mean PC does. I have absolutely nothing to do with it. You see, I will do anything, ANYTHING for my kids. I would gladly take a bullet for either one of them. I will sit at a sporting event in makeup melting conditions. I will even for forgo a much needed dye job or pedicure if need be. But the one thing I will not do - I will NEVER do...is camp out of doors in a tent.

Look at that picture. What does it make you think of? Now some of you might say: "camp fires" or "s'mores" or "great times". You know what it makes me think of?

Seriously - where are the people in this campground? INSIDE OF THIS BEAR - THAT'S Where!

Come on Peeps! The great outdoors are for...well, out-doorsey creatures. Like bears and mountain lions and rattle snakes. They don't WANT us just tramping into their homes and just pitching a tent in THEIR living rooms and building fires and cooking food in the middle of their bedrooms! I mean, imagine if a bear walked into YOUR home, built a fire in the middle of the living room and decided to put a human hand on a stick, roast it over an open flame and sandwich it between 2 graham crackers and a Hershey Bar? You'd be pretty pissed, right? I argue that human beings have NO BUSINESS camping out of doors. We belong inside, in beds, in a structure that has a floor. THINK about the lengths we take on a daily basis to protect ourselves from bugs. We have the perimeters of our homes inspected for them, we have or lawns and our foundations sprayed with pesticides, we set up bug zappers and light citronella candles to keep them away from us when we are partying out-of-doors. Yet, when we go camping - we invite them to crawl into our ears and other openings by SLEEPING IN THEIR BEDS with them! That's right - the GROUND is the BED of the BUG!

I don't understand what is WRONG inside the minds of you campers.  And I take SERIOUS offense with the Boy Scouts. I mean the Boy Scouts of America have been encouraging our children to become hardened criminals for YEARS now! That's right - Home Invaders of all of the out-doorsey creatures and bugs. And this crime spree has GOT to stop. I am making it MY mission to STOP the Boy Scouts of America from corrupting any more of our youth with this ridiculous notion of camping outdoors. With this blog post, I am launching my campaign: End the Cycle: Stop the Insanity 2012.:No More Home Invasions

And like any great reformer - I have a plan,. I have an alternative to this crazy, outdated Boy Scout approach to camping. Just take a look at the images I present and try and tell me that MY method is not superior to this:

So here is my alternative plan:

Now - this is a much more creature-friendly camp ground. Note the RAISED hardwood floor. Notice the lighting, the king-sized bed that is RAISED off of the floor and the rustic looking throw-rugs. This still gives the camper the best of the outdoors along with the safety and security of a bug-free sleeping zone.

Now, my other problem with camping in the wild is the lack of plumbing. I mean how does one wash the stink of the outdoors off? Well - voila...my solution. A beautiful pink claw-footed tub filled with hot, rose-scented waters by handsome men whenever a weary camper needs a soak.

I mean really - who would want to cook weiners over a smokey fire pit when you could have waitress service and eat off of fine china? I say it again my Peeps: Boy Scouts of America! STOP THE INSANITY!

So, as I send my boys off this evening, know that it is with a heavy heart. They do not agree with me. They claim that they would never agree to ANY of my plans and that they would never bathe while camping. They spew nonsense about communing with nature and how it is really "fun" to get dirty and how there are no bears or moutain lions on the St. Claire's farm where they have been invited to camp. Just fainting goats - whatever those are. PC thinks that I might need therapy to get over my "irrational" fear of camping outside. I argue that I certainly do not need therapy. Camping is DANGEROUS. People get EATEN by bears while camping. People who say things like: "There ARE no bears in this part of Maryland". I mean really - do you think that the people who DO get eaten by bears say things like: "Well, sure there are people eating bears out here! But going to sleep and hoping that they don't eat us is all part of the fun!" Do you think this guy said that?