Um - Yeah, That Didn't Go So Well...and Other Musings

So - the no sugar experiment is officially over. It lasted about 24 hours. And, as I like to say - it sucked ass - big time. It was horrible. First of all - trying to do it while there is about 87 pounds of chocolate in this house was insane. Second of all - trying to do it AT ALL was insane! However - the experiment and the research leading up to the experiment HAS made me very, very aware of exactly HOW MUCH sugar I HAVE been consuming and how I need to STOP eating and drinking so much of it.So, all in all - even though I have sneaked a few chocolate eggs - I'm much more mindful and aware of what I'm putting in my mouth. So, I'm counting the 24-hours sugar free as a huge success.

The "Eat Clean Diet" book should come with some sort of warning label. You know how some of those drug commercials have those disclaimers that say ridiculous things like: "if you experience suicidal thoughts, if your head pops off, if your eyeballs turn bright purple, if you experience an erection that lasts for 3 weeks, discontinue use of this medication and seek immediate medical attention."? Well - this book should come with a disclaimer that reads: "This diet will turn you into a raving lunatic, bitch within 24 hours. Your loved ones may want to move out as you will become irrationally angry at them at times and want to throw things at their heads. Erratic mood swings and crying for no reason may occur. Headaches, dizziness and general feelings of unease and homocidal rage are normal and should subside in a few days. If you find yourself face-first in a gallon of chocolate ice cream, seek immediate medical attention"

So - eating 'clean" isn't for me. Back to Weight Watchers. My good friend Xena - the warrior princess - just lost about 60 or 70 pounds and looks AMAZING and sexy and AMAZING with Weight Watchers. She's encouraging me to try it - so I will. Something has got to work - between P90X-ing and being really careful with what I eat...hopefully I will get back down to a normal, healthy size. If not - there is always reality TV. I mean it - there is "Dance Your Ass Off" - where "big" girls dance with pro dancers. It's a mix of The Biggest Loser and Dancing with the Stars...minus the stars. The only problem with this one is that I'm not fat enough. Fifi found this show last year and has been encouraging me to "bulk up" for the show. Fifi is obsessed with being on a reality dance show and thinks that this is her best shot. She will be the supportive best friend of the fat girl. Sick? Yes - certainly. But, it might be a better option than going to Mexico and intentionally getting a parasite - which has crossed my mind. A lot lately. And I do love my Fifi and owe her alot. But I'd seriously need to gain a good 50 pounds...that's alot of love.

Now, there is always The Biggest Loser - but again - not nearly fat enough for that. And there is the Jillian issue. Hate that biotch. I'd have to be on Bob's team and I'd probably end up falling in love with him - which would be a problem as I'm married to PC...oh and as Bob is gay. But - we all know that I do have a thing for the gays...HOWEVER - I would probably end up having a HUGE HUGE girl fight with Jillian and I would SO smack her skinny ass down JOISEY style. So I'd get pretty famous for that.But I'd also get kicked off the ranch before getting skinny either for beating the crap out of Jillian or sexually harassing and frightening Bob.

My best option might just be Dr. 90210. I'd go for that narssicistic Cuban doctor. The one who does Karate and wears tight scrubs and always gives people big boobs - Dr. Ray? First of all - he's a hot, Latin guy. Who doesn't love that? Second of all - I need so much work that I would probably be a good 2 hour Dr. 90210 movie! I can hear the announcer: "Never before has Dr. 90210 been faced with such a challenge - a whole body makeover...in a day." It would be awesome. He could just suck all of my fat out - bind me up in a girdle, send me to a recovery spa, pump me full of oxycotin, and then - give me a makeover and a big reveal. This is a really good idea! The drama would be incredible. First of all - I am SUCH a baby and a wimp - I'd be AWFUL with the pain. I'd cry and throw up and yell at everybody. And then they could cut back and forth between me being really mean and mad and pathetic and poor PC taking care of the kids. Shouldering the whole burden for his awful, selfish wife. And he's be so upset with me for doing it in the first place - and he'd probably punch Dr. Ray if he gave me super big boobies- it would be SO Jerry Springer.

Hmmm...but then there is that whole "major surgery" thing. And the possibility of dying and whatnot. And I REALLY don't want to be "that mom who died while getting plastic surgery". Can you imagine my kids having to tell that to all of their boyfriends/girlfriends? How humiliating.
"Your mom is dead? OMG! How Sad! Cancer?"
"Nope."
"Car Accident?"
"Nope"
"Suicide?"
"Nope - Brazillian Butt Lift"
"Oh"....uncomfortable silence...........

Yeah - can't do that to them. Crap - I guess I'll have to keep doing P90X...........