From the Mouths of Babes...

Hi Peeps! Happy October. Fall is certainly in the air - FINALLY! I don't know about you guys, but I am MORE than ready to put away the shorts and pull out the sweaters and jackets. I am done with this sticky, humid, end-of-summer crap.

So, a good friend of mine recently revealed that she is expecting her first baby! And I couldn't be more excited for her! What an exciting time...once you get over the puking and the tender boobies and , well, the puking - pregnancy is really a magical time. Especially your first pregnancy. Everyone treats you like a rock star - well, at least everyone should. I mean you are only going about your daily business AND growing a whole, entire person in your uterus. It's nothing short of amazing! Every day brings a new experience and something to wonder about. Who will the baby look like? Is it a boy or a girl? Will the baby have my hair? I hope the baby will have my hair...I hope the baby doesn't have his hair...Oh God, what will we do if the baby has his hair? And is a girl? Oh crap - that will suck. I don't know how to do anything with that kinky, curly hair. The baby had better not have his hair, but it probably will...he's the whole reason why my head is in the toilet every morning that sonofa...

Oh wait - sorry.

OK - anyway, so this friend's announcement got me thinking about my life and my kids and how incredibly wonderful and rich my life is because of my kids. And how incredibly funny and messed up some days are because of these crazy little people who insist on calling me Mom. And I can't help but think about how different I am now that I am a mom. All moms know that their kids teach them - A LOT. Our kids teach us quite a bit about ourselves and the world around us. Once you squeeze that baby out, watch that baby lifted out of you or are handed that baby - you are fundamentally changed. You will never be able to sleep the way you were able to sleep before that baby was born. Moms are always listening - even when we're sleeping. You will forever more wear your heart on the outside of your body - and you would gladly trade your life for that baby's life. And on the other hand, you will develop this new, terrible fear of death - because your greatest fear will be leaving your baby to grow up without you.

But that's the stuff that everyone will tell you before you have the baby. It's in all of the books, it's on all of the baby shower cards - heck, it's all over Facebook and Pinterest too! That's not the point of this post. I want this post to be super useful. I want this post to really reflect the IMPORTANT lessons about motherhood and children I've learned over the past 11 1/2 years. So here goes - Busy Momma's Top Ten List of the Most IMPORTANT Lessons I've Learned from my Children:

1. The amount of puke coming out is not always equal to the amount of food/liquid that just went in. Babies, and kids for that matter can puke up A LOT. Like seriously, in the case of babies - twice their own body weight. (Disclaimer - even though Busy Momma has watched a great deal of Grey's Anatomy that in NO WAY makes her a medical expert. Even though she likes to think she is one. IF your child does indeed puke up a volume that you feel is equal to twice his or her body weight - it's probably prudent to call an actual doctor.) Busy Momma has seen children slowly sip two or three small, microscopic droplets of ginger ale and then IMMEDIATELY spew up at least a gallon or so of vomit. This does not, in any way, mean that death is imminent. At least it hasn't yet...

2. Never EVER believe a child who claims that:

• he has NO IDEA how that PERMANENT INK marker mark got onto the couch cushion.
• someone stole his Kindle Fire somewhere between the beach and home because he KNOWS he packed it.
• he is no longer lactose intolerant while on line at Cold Stone Creamery.
• he really won't get sick going on that roller coaster after eating an undetermined number of corn dogs at Hershey park.
• she really won't get scared in the Haunted House and HOWL the entire time you are in there screaming to be let out.
• Daddy said it was ok.
•  the teacher said that he/she didn't have to do that homework.
• somebody else's mom totally lets them ____ (fill in the blank - go to the mall by herself at 11, get something other than an earlobe pierced, stay up all night long, play Halo, watch The Ring...oh the list goes on and on and on.)

3. They will SUCK down their anti-biotic if the doctor calls it "Bubble Gum Soup".

4. You are IN NO WAY the WORST MOM EVER because you won't allow them to play with _____.(Again, fill in the blank - Bratz dolls - you know the ones that look like teeny tiny hookers with deformed lemur-like eyeballs. Or guns that look like real weapons of mass destruction or video games where people are killed or cars are stolen or violence is pointless and glorified.)

5. As soon as you are ready to leave on that magical weekend away that you planned with your husband, the one that was destined to help you reconnect and catch up on much needed sleep, one or both of your kids will get sick. So be sure to buy travel insurance.

6. Your definition of "clean" and their definition of clean is IN NO WAY THE SAME. A CLEAN body to them might not ever involve soap or shampoo -just a bit of running water.

7. Even though every single one of the 752 Barbies that live under the bed looks exactly the same to you - you can be assured that the one you decide to give to GoodWill because it looks like Pamela Anderson might look after a weekend retreat at a crackhouse is her "favorite". And you will NEVER hear the end of how you gave her "favorite" Barbie away.

8. Your husband will, inevitably, always be the good cop and YOU will always be the bad cop. This will happen because your husband will, one day, while you are in bed with a 104 degree fever, chills and a headache that feels like a tomahawk is lodged in your skull, decide that chocolate cake and ice cream is a perfectly acceptable breakfast treat. He will then take the kids to the movies - to get them out of the house so you can rest - and allow them to get the value sized Mountain Dew and sprinkle Pixie-Sticks on top of buttered popcorn. He will them take them to the jumpy place in town where they will spend 45 minutes jumping in various inflatable bouncy houses and immediately puke once they get back in the car. He will drive the puke covered kids home - in YOUR car- and wake you up by saying "Are you awake?" while shaking your fever ravaged body vigorously. When you peel open the one eye that is not crusted over, he will say something romantic like "I don't want you to panic or anything, but theoretically, if puke is coming out of the nose as well as the mouth - and it's kind of a neon green color - is that a really bad thing? Oh and when did we have broccoli? Wasn't that like last week? " And then, once you have everyone cleaned up, laundry in the machine and soup on the stove, he will look at you and tell you how freaking exhausted he is AND that he thinks the kids have some kind of hyper activity problem and that YOU should really get that checked out.

9.  They will totally humiliate you out in public by using your own words against you. For example, while at the mall, your darling little girl might look at a morbidly obese person driving a motorized scooter and shout out something along the lines of: "OOOHHH NO MOMMY! Look at that fat guy! He must be makin some real bad choices! Too many cookies for dat guy!" Or perhaps your little boy might see an elderly gentleman wearing an eyepatch while eating lunch at Subway and point to him and say "Oh Look Mom! A Pirate! Just like Jack Sparrow!" and before you can do anything - he runs up to this clearly aggravated fellow and says "ARRRGGGHHH Matey!" That was a fun day...

10. You probably can't really screw them up too too badly if you are really doing your best. Will they all need therapy one day? Yeah probably - but don't we all? If you do your best, keep your wits about you and roll with the punches - chances are, the kids will be ok. At least that's what I keep on telling myself!